Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Love. Mercy. Grace.

As I sit here this morning, I've thought of many things.  As I do when I think of writing, a feeling overtakes me.  I think of Father God and all that I've been through.  I think of the love that is never ending - the constancy I'd never known - and how this has affected my life.  These are the times when there just aren't words.  Words fail when it comes to describing the Father's steadfast, enduring, heartfelt love.  His mercy so great that one's heart feels as if it might burst with such feeling of earnest emotion.  Never will I be able to describe it, nor in all actuality live my life to the full that I know that the Lord would have me.  Do not be confused, this has nothing to do with working to pay the Lord back, not to live up to some "standard", or fulfill some payment -- but how I know that my Savior would have me live in the riches of happiness.  I say that with sadness, a transfixed emotion -- because of God's true nature.  

What do I mean by that?  I believe God loves hanging out with us.  He walked with Adam in the cool of the day in Eden.  We were created by God I believe for his pleasure.  Not as we think of pleasure, but an unconditional love like we cannot even fathom.  This I believe, is how His mercy is so great.  All because He loves us this much.  It's taken me my entire life to come to this understanding or consciousness.  

I think about how I love people.  It pales in comparison (mine) to how God must love us.  I think of the comprehension that I have of unconditional love.  It must merely be the tip end of a pencil to how God loves.  Oh, how this warms my heart.  How it enlarges my heart.  How it fills my heart with great joy.  It is my driving force.  Love, mercy and Grace.  God's grace.  

And  what of the poem above?  God answers my prayers in astounding
 ways. In such creative ways sometimes I have to chuckle.  Sometimes I am in such awe of the mind of God.  In truth, I'm always humbled by the mind of Christ.  

I've been struggling as of late, grappling with anger and things of this nature.  I've been flying off the handle and it seems I cannot control it.  It's a season of difficulty for me right now.  I don't know it's purpose.  I am assured of one thing:  God has one.  What God brings you to, He'll bring you through.  

I prayed yesterday to see something beautiful.  Today God brought me to some of my past writings.  He led me to remembering someone that I love deeply.  He gave me precious sleep.  All of these things led me to remember that what I felt Sunday at church - I will be eternally grateful to have been made known to a God of consistent love.  I'd never known a love like this.  Love that endures.  

I love people, love a lot of people.  When I pray for them I ask God to scoop them all up in a net like structure for fear of forgetting someone -- much like the  nets the disciples used in the bible when fishing with Jesus.  Then I pray for them.  It is my way of getting everyone.  I guess I've had faith that it works.  The faith is the key....

May you have faith today.  Even if it's just a little.  For we're all given a measure of it.  It waxes and it wanes and this is okay.  Just have it.  Nourish it.  Cherish it.  Let it be your little light that shines.  Believe and know that the Lord loves you beyond your comprehension.  More than you mother.  Contemplate on that.  His mercy and His Grace endures forever.  Amen.    

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The madness of Fibromyalgia and depression.

And I've struggled.  For months.  Medication can be our undoing.

It was subtle at first.  I seemed to not care about things that used to matter to me.  Cleanliness of this, tidiness of that.  Then came the desire to sleep.  It was so subtle in fact, I did not notice it.  Depression is a nasty, nasty, entity.  The dark days landed.  It seemed my insides would unseal.  It feels as if there is a separation  of soul and spirit.  One begins to discover the malady.

First it seems to be the discovery -- then comes the how of the solution.  What has caused this?  What can be done?  All this falls on a dis-eased mind..  The pondering and pining is enough to give way to one's final push to the undoing.

It's hard to let others know you're struggling.  Especially on this magnitude.  One fears judgement, and rejection -- of both I endured.  People that don't live with this state, really don't understand it, or rather they fear it.  I've one true friend, and I owe so much to her.  Even she lost her patience with me a bit.  This bout was an angry depression, of all the horrible ones, I despise it the most.  I almost lost my job -- in an angry outburst.

I'd not thought at this juncture in my life that I'd hit such a wall.  Yet I did, even in grace.  I'd not lost site or feel for God -- just couldn't connect as I'd been able.  I'd been out of church for sometime, hiding from my weight gain.  Yes, you read that right, I have hid because I'd gained so much weigh from a medicine and an insatiable appetite.  I'm starving now.  I'd gained so much water weight too, barely able to make a fist in the morning - and hideous marks from my socks in the morning.  A bloated lot...   I owe all of this to a medication that WAS helping me in some respects.  It was on the verge of killing me in so many others.  I had to come off of it, but with the nerve pain, what ever was I going to do?

It's interesting what people do when they become depressed.  I become like a mole.  I don't want to go outside. I  Don't want to be SEEN.  I had it confirmed by someone that sees me regularly - "Your not yourself - I'm not used to seeing you this way."  Then I knew.  It was time I did something about it.  The days lavishing myself had to end.  The excessive spending, the sleeping, the need to hide from people needed to stop.

We take risks with people sometimes.  It backfires.  This has let me know that I'm firmly rooted in my relationship with God, of which I haven't been in previous times.  I'd always (I use that word loosely) in past, when a man would come into my  life, they'd become my God.  I've grown through this, and I'm proud to say -- over it!!!  I keep God centermost of my life -- for I got news last Sunday that my beloved Pastor is leaving my church.  This news has devastated me.  It has barely been news that I've been able to digest.  I understand it intellectually -- and for his sake, but to my heart of hearts, I'm broken over it.  As I've stayed away from church over silly, ridiculous matters, now the tables have turned and he will soon be gone.  Oh, how devastated I am.  The man that introduced me to the faith that has transformed my life, and has become my confidant, will be lost to us.  The church is in shock.

At any rate, the depression is lifting, as I come off the medicine that had me descending into the depths of inward darkness.  No one knows truly how bad it had gotten, I won't even allow my own mind to deepen on its own accord for there are times when fear is a good thing.  Now I have to deal with physical pain, but that is no stranger to me.

Today is a new day with a new dawn.  There will be struggles ahead, for this I am certain.  I will meet them with a renewed strength.  Light is reaching the end of the tunnel, to coin a phrase.  I am a woman of vast resilience.  My therapist is working diligently with me on taking the things of my past the negatives   and turning them into triumphs.  I know that I have a strong reserve.  I know that I am a woman of faith and future.  I know that I have God's favor -- and I am one of His children.

My faith has wained.  I've been able to think of little else but my silly little world, and a dear, dear friend reminded me that there is many a battle that I've had to face the other day.  I'm immensely grateful for her.
 from the website buterfliesandpebbles.com - @ instagram - I love this photo.... It depicts how I feel.  Grace will always reside in my heart - and fire in my soul.  As I worship today, I will remember all that I am so grateful for -- rough patches, and difficult times aside: I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me.  For I am renewed day by day.  I Love the Lord.  With all my heart and soul. No matter who I encounter, this will never change.  I'm grateful for who I am and who Christ made me to be.  Amen.