It was subtle at first. I seemed to not care about things that used to matter to me. Cleanliness of this, tidiness of that. Then came the desire to sleep. It was so subtle in fact, I did not notice it. Depression is a nasty, nasty, entity. The dark days landed. It seemed my insides would unseal. It feels as if there is a separation of soul and spirit. One begins to discover the malady.
First it seems to be the discovery -- then comes the how of the solution. What has caused this? What can be done? All this falls on a dis-eased mind.. The pondering and pining is enough to give way to one's final push to the undoing.
It's hard to let others know you're struggling. Especially on this magnitude. One fears judgement, and rejection -- of both I endured. People that don't live with this state, really don't understand it, or rather they fear it. I've one true friend, and I owe so much to her. Even she lost her patience with me a bit. This bout was an angry depression, of all the horrible ones, I despise it the most. I almost lost my job -- in an angry outburst.
I'd not thought at this juncture in my life that I'd hit such a wall. Yet I did, even in grace. I'd not lost site or feel for God -- just couldn't connect as I'd been able. I'd been out of church for sometime, hiding from my weight gain. Yes, you read that right, I have hid because I'd gained so much weigh from a medicine and an insatiable appetite. I'm starving now. I'd gained so much water weight too, barely able to make a fist in the morning - and hideous marks from my socks in the morning. A bloated lot... I owe all of this to a medication that WAS helping me in some respects. It was on the verge of killing me in so many others. I had to come off of it, but with the nerve pain, what ever was I going to do?
It's interesting what people do when they become depressed. I become like a mole. I don't want to go outside. I Don't want to be SEEN. I had it confirmed by someone that sees me regularly - "Your not yourself - I'm not used to seeing you this way." Then I knew. It was time I did something about it. The days lavishing myself had to end. The excessive spending, the sleeping, the need to hide from people needed to stop.
We take risks with people sometimes. It backfires. This has let me know that I'm firmly rooted in my relationship with God, of which I haven't been in previous times. I'd always (I use that word loosely) in past, when a man would come into my life, they'd become my God. I've grown through this, and I'm proud to say -- over it!!! I keep God centermost of my life -- for I got news last Sunday that my beloved Pastor is leaving my church. This news has devastated me. It has barely been news that I've been able to digest. I understand it intellectually -- and for his sake, but to my heart of hearts, I'm broken over it. As I've stayed away from church over silly, ridiculous matters, now the tables have turned and he will soon be gone. Oh, how devastated I am. The man that introduced me to the faith that has transformed my life, and has become my confidant, will be lost to us. The church is in shock.
At any rate, the depression is lifting, as I come off the medicine that had me descending into the depths of inward darkness. No one knows truly how bad it had gotten, I won't even allow my own mind to deepen on its own accord for there are times when fear is a good thing. Now I have to deal with physical pain, but that is no stranger to me.
Today is a new day with a new dawn. There will be struggles ahead, for this I am certain. I will meet them with a renewed strength. Light is reaching the end of the tunnel, to coin a phrase. I am a woman of vast resilience. My therapist is working diligently with me on taking the things of my past the negatives and turning them into triumphs. I know that I have a strong reserve. I know that I am a woman of faith and future. I know that I have God's favor -- and I am one of His children.
My faith has wained. I've been able to think of little else but my silly little world, and a dear, dear friend reminded me that there is many a battle that I've had to face the other day. I'm immensely grateful for her.
from the website buterfliesandpebbles.com - @ instagram - I love this photo.... It depicts how I feel. Grace will always reside in my heart - and fire in my soul. As I worship today, I will remember all that I am so grateful for -- rough patches, and difficult times aside: I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me. For I am renewed day by day. I Love the Lord. With all my heart and soul. No matter who I encounter, this will never change. I'm grateful for who I am and who Christ made me to be. Amen.