Saturday, February 7, 2015

Accepting loss and allowing grief.

Grief.  I'm no stranger to it.  I wouldn't say that I like it, but I do know that it's transformative.  Grief in and of itself can only leave you a better person, if you allow it's ebb and flow of emotionality.

My beloved pastor is leaving in a few short weeks.  Even as I write this, I feel the pain inside of my heart.

This man who if so dear to me is not only leaving our church, but he is quite possibly leaving the country -- and although I have accepted the facts, I am still heartbroken.  Part of me doesn't know yet what emotions I will feel or experience.  I've been to him several times for counsel, and hold him so dear to my heart - for I've shared some deep things of my heart with him, things that had held me hostage for many years.  Releasing those secrets set me free.

Secrets keep us sick and stuck.  Secrets never mean as much to others as they do us.  Revealing dark and heavy truths about oneself can only bring new life and entrap false fears, releasing new freedoms.    The greatest barrier to truth is our own minds.

I feel so deeply about the above statements, else I wouldn't write it.  I realize that it doesn't really fit - but it bares writing and spreading all over the entire world....  people walk around in prisons of their own making, much to often from false fears appearing real...

I've shared here what those secrets were.  This is how free I am now.  I live my life like an open book, and I don't fear much.  Some say that this makes me a remarkable woman - but I just say, "it's all Jesus."

My pastor preaches the loveliness of Jesus, week after week.  He paints a picture of how beautiful Jesus is.  He describes His life, His love, His truth, His faithfulness.  There have been so many Sundays that I walk out of that church on air... three feet off the ground because Jesus has been revealed.  Pastor Paul is so anointed, he is an amazing man.  I'm going to miss him like something awful.  I dread his last Sunday - and I know it's going to hurt really, really, bad.

I've seen pastor several times when I was really upset, or struggling with things.  He has always been there for me...  But he has equipped me with enough of Jesus that I know that I'll be alright.  I know why he is leaving and I know that there are others that need him as badly as I did.  I want those people to have the same opportunity to know how beautiful Jesus is too.  It is only right.  I don't like the grieving process, but I accept it.  It is here and coming and I have little choice.  Not being a person that chokes down my feelings, I have to face this head on.

God to me is like a diamond.  He is multi-faucited, brilliant and ever so beautiful.  Like all the colors of the rainbow -- His love shines.  He can't but illuminate all that He touches.  I bought pastor Paul a diamond paperweight.  I hope he likes it, for it is my concrete representation of what he has given me.  God's love, in all it's majesty.  God's love is so vast, and so beautiful -- it can't but not light up all that it is therein.

Pastor Paul has given me such a beautiful gift.  He really had taken me on a path back unto myself.  A path back to loving myself, accepting myself, being kind to myself.   He's given me the beautiful gift of loving others.  He's taught me how to love, period.  Saying good-bye is going to be difficult, at best.  I will trust however, because pastor taught me about seasons of life.  Things always work in seasons.  This is a season...  and I will wait upon God, for I know that he has amazing things in store of pastor and me.  It will be a painful time, but pain brings change.  Change is a gift.  Never forget this.  It is the heartbeat of who we are as American's.  I will embrace it.  God is with me, every step of the way and the Holy Spirit will lead me.

Isa.  40: 31 (NKJV)
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength:  They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

2nd Corth.  4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day, for our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen.  For the things that are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal.

2nd Corth.  5:5-9.
Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has also has given us the spirit as a guarantee.  So we are always confident knowing while we are at home in the body are absent from the Lord.  For we walk by faith now by sight.  We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.

God has given us His spirit as a guarantee!  Where else in life do you get this?  Nowhere!  I trust today, I accept.  The light of the path will be shown.  Don't believe for a moment that grief is in "stages", or phases.... it's just not true.... we're dealing with broken hearts, not broken minds.  Our minds know full well what it is that's taking place, it's the heart that must heal...  Allow your heart to heal, however it needs to.  Know that God isn't some man walking beside you on some beach somewhere -- His spirit is inside you!  The holy spirit holy spirit guides us everyday.  God's never walked beside you.  His spirit has always been inside of you from the very first moment that you accepted Christ as your Savior.  Trust Him that he will guide you, lead you, and keep you safe, every last step of the way.

I pray for my pastor.  I am excited for the people that will hear precious grace for the first time.  How that fire will engulf their hearts!  Just as it did mine.  He will undoubtedly make a joyful noise unto the Lord!  He will carry the Gospel to other nations just like it says in the bible.  How pleasing this must be to The Lord.  I am happy for him and his family, how excited he must be for his new journey!  There just are times when we must lay aside our own selfishness and bless those whom we love.... For he is my brother in Christ.   Amen.

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