I ponder lots of things as I spend hours in my own mind. I battle with this thought and that --- fighting off the ones that are negative and don't serve me. I'm going through another preening process amidst some other changes, and man do I ever feel it. Lots of tears today. Tears are so healing. The Holy Spirit revealed much to me this morning, as I made the gamut.
I began in that desolate place, that empty place that is so familiar ... where there is no one. There is no one out there who knows what I go through, what I feel, how I ache, to be known. A dark vast place that always comes up empty. However today - TODAY - I realized I don't belong in this place. I never did. It was the voices, that voice, my voice that put me there in the first place. My ego is what wants me there. My nasty, nasty, separatist ego. The one that loves for me to FEEL all alone and blame people for it. To blame people for everything. For me, it IS the separation of self and Christ. I no longer want to dwell there. Albeit --- recognition is the foreknowledge of change.
Jesus is the only One that truly knows me. He knows me every breath. Every emotional influx. Every hair on my head. How, how could I ever be alone? I cannot. I had that realization today. I've had it before but not on this scale. I did not realize that I was battling with my ego so much. What a stubborn lot. Wow.
I don't like that feeling that I have. It's destitute, and alone. I have to push myself to stop feeling those feelings. I have exceeding great promises!!! I just got a new job on favor alone, no reference checks, no grueling interview -- it was all Jesus, why am I groveling? Because I'm in a tempered place. I have few people in my life. Things are changing. The ego grapples for control. It can't have control of me. It just can't. I won't allow it to ease Jesus out of my life. This is just a fact.
As I begin this new chapter in my life, I wrestle with the newness. It is the cold night just before the dawn. Everything looks hopeless - but I know, I know, I know who holds my future. And even despite looking like a stark raving maniac -- I write because someone may understand. Someone may understand what it's like to have their ego attempt to choke out the presence of the Living God.
I AM NOT ALONE. It has little to do with how I "feel", for we walk by faith- not sight. It is not how it seems. I must trust. I know who holds all my tomorrows. I know who holds today. I will rejoice. Jesus knows. The pain of yesterday sometimes hinders me. I believe it is the fuel of my ego. This is what makes the tears so precious. As these tears fall, so does the pain associated with them... He replaces it with abounding joy. Rejoice I say! REJOICE!!!! As much as my mother may have tried to have hindered if not destroy my spirit, the Lord strengthens me - I will walk it out. Armed with my sword. He'll repay me double for my trouble. The favor of God is with me -- ahead of me making a way when there was none.
Thank You Jesus for revealing to me today the loveliness of Jesus. Thank You Jesus for dispelling my ego. Thank You for the tears of healing. I know you caught them all. In Jesus name...Amen.