Friday, December 18, 2015

Faith and Trust -- the transformation.

I'm at a presuppose in my life.  I'm completely at the jumping off juncture to either leap and fly or stand an stay.  Simply everything comes down to trust at this particular period of time in my life.  As those of you that read my blog know -- with my history - trust isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to harness.

It's very interesting that even when things go well in our lives, we wonder.  We wonder when the next shoe is going to drop.  Perhaps it is only I that feels this way - but when everything seems to line up just beautifully -- I sort of gasp.  Being the kind of person who's used to having been punished for doing the "right" thing -- I'm a bit uneasy even during good times.  There, I said it.  I know that isn't always the greatest thing to have to admit -- but I'm sorry with my background, lets face it - life has been very unstable.  However, I am actively learning to trust, to believe in people again, and the one thing that I do trust is God.  This is what I have to focus upon in all matters.  The area's where I've been lacking in my faith are my own fault, I haven't been to church for a variety of (some valid, some not) reasons.  So I'm missing this in my life.  I haven't been reading the word, again, my bad.  So my connection is not what it could be, and I would like for it to be.  I still am prayerful and thankful, daily.  I never completely, ever stop thinking about God.  Nor gratitude --- it's just who I am.  But alas, I've digressed!!

I've met someone wonderful.  Yep.  Me.  The part that is so amazing is that this feels like a gift straight out of heaven.  I won't bore you with all of the ways this man fulfills my prayers and how beautifully creatively God answered my prayer because if you've experienced God answering your prayers, then you already now how amazing that is.  Neither of us intended to meet each other --- it just sort of fell into place.  Beautifully.

Now you might ask what this has to do with trust and faith?  Oh boy.  There are things that we have to learn, journeys that we have to walk out that only can be accomplished when we are in relationship.  Some things just cannot be addressed while your single.  It takes the risk of love and the sacrifice to bring you through to the other side. It feels akin to a baby bird on it's first flight lesson.... or at least it does for me.  I've been single with a few exceptions, for almost 25+ years.  I've become quite comfortable in my single life... being accountable to only me.  It's a whole new world, needing or wanting someone around.  I'm just not used to someone being there.  Honestly -- it almost feels foreign.  It's been just myself and God for so long -- that sometimes I'm not quite sure how to act.  An this is hard to explain to someone that has not been where I've been.  In the river - dying of thirst.  It truly rings true right now how there just comes a time when someone finds you and it's like you have known each other your whole life, even though it's only been a short time.  Also how they just seem to know what you've needed all this time.  It can be rather uncanny at first, and offsetting, yet wonderful.....  It's hard to explain.  I know this is choppy and I apologize, I've not written in some time.

My one and only goal in life has a duality.  My life's focus is to love God back and to allow myself to experience the peace that Jesus gave me in this lifetime .  It's actually a combination of my attempting to understand ( and comprehend) everything that I am in Christ and to let Christ live through my life. I don't always measure up - however - the Lord knows my heart better than anyone ever could, and I rest in that.  One of the most beautiful gifts that Pastor Paul White ever gave me was to learn to "sit-down" on the inside.  Because my Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God -- as long as Jesus is sitting --- what would I have to be concerned with?  Which means precious peace.  He is my all and all, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  I do write about my struggles here -- but I am human, not super natural.  If a person tells you that they don't have doubts at times, they're not be forthright.

I'm going to have a decision to make.  The man that I care for lives in another state.  At some point quite possibly soon - I'm going to have to decide what I am going to do.  It's going to require much thought, prayer, and faith.  Isn't life interesting when it presents you with something that you've wanted basically all your life?  It is very interesting to watch the opposition come in.  To negate the fears.  Fear of what, being happy?  Therein lies another whole concept........

Alas ...  I am enormously grateful for this "problem"... and I say that with tongue in cheek.  I know it is going to be transformative because of the risk that is involved, I can feel it.  I welcome it.  He is a very wonderful man, and I'm at peace with him.  What seems to be the biggest battle that I fight (as with most things) is within my own thoughts.  I'll keep you posted.

Father God, Thank you for this opportunity  to love someone and to have someone love me for me.  Lord, thank you for answering my prayer so beautifully at the exact moment that you knew was right.  Help me quell my fears Lord, and put to rest my thoughts, help me to listen an hear the holy spirit as it guides and directs me.  I pray for your  perfect will in my life Lord, that I know it and fulfill it.  Thank You Jesus for life, in Jesus name,
Amen.