Down to One.
I don't mind taking risks, I'm a risk taker by nature. My life is pretty much (you've probably already figured this out) an open book. I don't have a great deal of secrets. This draws back to my A.A. roots. I just come from the line of thinking that secrets keep us sick. This line of thinking works for me, and it keeps me accountable. People still do not trust however. People have their own ideals. It doesn't usually take me long to decipher this. It's also true that I have some fears of my own when it comes to meeting someone new with my history -- you can imagine. So, this combo is often times.... difficult. I just think that I've reached a place where I'm about to close a door that I'm not going to be willing to open again for some time. Perhaps this is a knee-jerk reaction to what I've just gone through ---I'm not certain. However, when you communicate with every effort and you're still misunderstood -- it makes it rather difficult to want to open that door again. Attempting to fight with another person's personal demons is a no win situation. I realize too, that mine are difficult enough. It goes both ways. This makes me wonder--- how two people ever really get together? How do you do away with the wreckage of the past, and compete with the inner dialogue that blinds your partner from really understanding you? I'm not sure, especially when the other person isn't even aware they have issues. It's pretty much a done deal. I certainly cannot compete with someones ego. No one can really compete with mine. So you reach this precipus where neither of you can move on nor advance further. It's a stalemate. If things get said in anger at this time, its disastrous.
I'm uncertain as to why people resort to nastiness when they reach a painful point, or a fear of rejection. I don't understand why there is the need to hurt or sting prior to feeling fear. Our defenses rear up, and we sting. An we'll do it with whatever available ammunition. Hardly thinking of the consequences. It's almost as if it is an "automatic" to hurt because we're hurt. Isn't this what little children do? Aren't we adults? At least the last time I checked I was an adult. I've worked so hard at learning and training myself to NOT react, that this took me by surprise. I was quite taken by it, and the rest of the bitterness that transpired with it. It is so mind boggling to me how true it is that people play parts, they play Mr. Nice until the gloves come off. An Lord help you when they do --
I don't know...... Alls I know is that sometimes reaching out isn't it's all cracked up to be. As hard as I might try - I cannot give another human a different perspective, perception, nor a impression of life. Sometimes how they see things is just that and it's immoveable - period. Case closed. Even when it's about your own life. An they hardly know you. When that happens you know that it's time to move on - even though every person that we meet we met for a reason. WE MATTER. I MATTER. WE ALL MATTER. No matter what anyone, anywhere tells you. Ever. Do not allow another person to "sweep your pain under the rug." As if it is nothing to them.
I learned many years ago that people that haven't dealt with their own pain will not tolerate anyone else dealing with their pain. What I mean by that is- we've all known those persons that are so quick to say after a particularly difficult life event to tell you, "you just gotta get over it." As if we can play hop-scotch with our emotions and jump over the pain and emotional difficulties in life. Trust me, they're out there... and it sort of gives you the feeling that you shouldn't feel. Nine times out of ten -- these people have not dealt with their own emotional issues, and they can't (surely) stand to watch you deal, or go through yours. They want you to "just get over it already!" This to me is bordering on abuse. Stifling someones pain is NOT okay. Telling someone NOT to feel, is not okay. In all actuality -- it is very selfish. We cannot just stuff these intense emotions and expect for life to be okay - because it's going to present itself in another area.... because it needs to be addressed or it will just morph into something else in your psyche.
Human beings are so complex. Yes, it is easier to deny what you feel -- whether or not it be grief, depression, or regret that is plaguing you. However, I will tell you as I know that I've stated in this blog elsewhere --- we are what we feel. Our emotions are how we tell that we are alive. It is how we experience life. God gave our emotions to us for a reason, and only to the extent that you allow yourself to experience sadness/devastation/hurt - is to the extent and exact opposite of which you will be able to experience joy, elation, and true happiness within yourself. If you deny yourself in one aspect - you will also be denied in the other. It's all about balance. Yes, the painful - sometimes extremely painful emotions can feel overwhelming at times -- but we must remember that everything that we go through is temporary. Everything. The only thing that is constant in our lives IS change. BE who you are -- even if this isn't popular. Being our own authentic selves is the greatest challenge (I think) that we face here on this earth. I believe this because so many people will want you to be like they are -- and adhere to their beliefs, and ways of doing things. It takes great courage to stand alone in your beliefs and your personhood. Give yourself this gift..... and know without any doubt -- that what you feel, think, believe, and know... MATTERS.