Tuesday, February 16, 2016
A Stark Reality.
It sort of shakes inside my frame. This unsteady place that I've reached. It's very uncomfortable to be here, matter of fact it feels quite unsafe. Unstable. A bit akin a cliff, an edge to some foreign place for me emotionally -- a state that I do not yet know. It feels sharp, yet fresh because it is new but not without a great deal of fear.
As I delve deeper into the book, I am having all sorts of memories flood back from my childhood. Things that I do not necessarily want to remember. The times that I would hide. I'd hide for hours on end, under the table, in the closet. I was frightened, horribly by my own mother. Mom was a Jekyll and Hyde most of the time... I just never knew when was which, and who was going to show up. I lived most of my childhood in terror. I tried to anticipate her every mood -- staying astutely attuned to her as I possibly could as to not set her off. Still one never knew.
It takes a great deal of courage, guts, and truth accepting to come to grips with the fact that your own mother was mentally ill. I know that now. I cannot tell you how this helps or doesn't? And for whomever might stumble upon this and wonder why a person would even address such an issue? Because I bleed when I'm cut, and this crap is hurting me. The damage that this has done to my life -has formed patterns and adaptations which are controlling my life. It's like a bad root. I've got to get it out.
Insecurely (disorganized) attachment. That's what this book is calling my relationship with my mother.
"Attachment: A system of the inner brain that evolved to keep human children safe because of the length of time that it takes to reach maturity. Attachment has three affects, first, it enables the child to seek proximity to the parent; second, to go to the parent for comfort in times of distress; third, to internalize the relationship with the mother as an internal model of a secure base."
Daniel J Siegel, M.D. , Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., Peg Streep, Mean Mothers - Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.
So it's no wonder that I don't remember - these connections begin at birth. This astounds me. I literally do not know how to feel, or how to try and comprehend this. All that I do know folks is that I've spent $1400.00 in two weeks. Every addictive behavior that I have is screaming. I do not want to accept this. I've replicated these relationships over and over. It's basically how my mind is hard wired. I had a friend of mine breakdown the other night, sitting right here in the other chair in my office. I had hurt her with my disapproval/intolerance. My internal "nail people to the wall", because I can - had gotten the best of her. It is a new friendship and I stay on her all the time. I was somewhat aware of it, but I had no idea that I'd hurt her so. Of course it makes me fell horrible. It is as if I cannot control myself -- I have something akin to an inner Hitler - at times. I think I have worked so hard to become my own person (too hard) that I push people so far away from me when they begin to get close..... To be transparently honest -- I don't think I even know how deep this junk runs. Sometimes, often times, it doesn't feel safe inside my own mind.... alone. It just makes me wonder --- if anyone else has ever felt like this.
God Help me if I make it out of this alive. That's what my brain/heart thinks but I know that this is a lie. I'll survive, and surpass it. If I weren't up for this task, God would not have brought me here. I don't know where this comes from inside me, but recent prayer - but it's in my mind.
Insecurity attached is anxious, ambivalent, and disorganized in nature -- but mine goes further than that -- since I had to reach for my mother and she as the abuser emotionally - I had to go the the very thing that was the source of my terror to attempt (but not achieve) resolution. I just thank God that she didn't physically abuse me, for this I'm grateful.
My actual status is disorganized attachment - which is the worst of the three different categories. It is difficult, especially with all that is going on in my emotions to try and explain what all is being communicated in Ms. Streep's book. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best right now to get this outside of me and make some sense of it. I'll be real glad when I reach the part where we get into the recovery section instead of the depth of the destruction.
Yes, I am in therapy -- never to fear. I'd never attempt to do something like this alone. The other six days a week are what's hard.... because I have such an inner defiant little girl. I will do what I'm going to do at all costs. I'll shop until I have 3$ in my account. Spend every penny. The totally sad part is that part of me doesn't care, but a larger part does.... so the damn struggle begins. Of course Ive discovered that you cannot just talk to anyone about this kind of work. Some people wouldn't do it if they were drowning. I cannot keep from doing it...I'm so miserable. I've always been a search and seek person - I guess those of us that felt like we were unloved, out of place, different, and strange just do that. Chemicals have always been the only thing that has ever made me feel normal when I was younger -- and they (even though they don't work) still are old coping mechanisms. Even the shopping gives me brain chemicals - it's an avoidance behavior. So is sex, sleep -- eating. The brain doesn't fail us - we get the goodies.
Ok now here is where I have to end this thing and find a solution to how I feel and this is going to be a difficult accusation this time people. Well if I had to start with what first emerged from my mind, it's that I will make it through this - victorious. I did not post that image for grins and giggles. My track record with the Father is 100%. I've so-far made it through every single nasty ordeal that life has presented me. I have facts of this. I should not even be here people. I've caught myself on fire. This is just ONE debacle that I'be been through with my addictions. I lost quite a bit of hair, but otherwise I was okay - I woke up. Talk about being humiliated. People laughed at me, literally. I've fell asleep (nodded) absolutely everywhere... even in church. When you do it, you don't realize what you're doing. It's mortified me the very day when I watched Intervention, and I saw a woman strung out on Percocette - and she nodded too. I cried like a baby -- full well knowing that this was me. It was like God holding up a mirror to my face, and it changed my life. I'll write more about what pain will do to you at another time, but it is relentless- some types and it will eat you alive. Emotional and physical if you do not deal with it. That has been the experience of my life.
So - I forge ahead. So I'm the worst of the three attachments. Oh well. For some reason - it made me think that I had or must have a wonderful crown coming. Don't ask me where that came from. I feel more hopeful getting this outside of my head. My mind and my body want to heal. Healing is the most natural and perfect process of the body. It is abnormal to not evolve. It takes work. We, man -- were designed to adapt, change, metamorphosis -- learn - and grow. This is what I SEEK. I've stated it before as I believe in conjunction with Marianne Williamson --- a miracle can purely be a change in perception. I believe in miracles, I have witnessed them in my own life on more than one occasion. I fully believe that I am being directed by the Holy Spirit, through this healing. This is only but a season.
Thank You merciful Father for life. Father help us live it more abundantly -- as the children that You would have us to be. Help us be equally yoked with You, and let these earthly shackles fall from our hearts and minds. Mend our hearts so that we may see and know ourselves as You see and know us. Help us love each other with brotherly love and be joyful in our daily walk. Thank You for our grace, blessings, and favor. In Jesus precious name, Amen.