Monday, February 1, 2016

The Edge.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  For me, her words so profound - it's like reading in velvet.  She has been such a part of my self-discovery and inner journey that I hold her in such high esteem.  I just recently purchased a book of her prayers - and I'm not sure why I did, I cannot seem to find the mindfulness to read it.  I am in an odd, odd place as of late.  One that I don't quite know that I've been before.

I am so tired of battling fear and the emptiness in my life - that this feels like a jumping off place.  I called my best friend this morning in tears - and all it seems that I can see is loss.  My distrust has my life barren.  It isn't as if I don't know why.  My Mom passed a few weeks ago - and I have been unable to grieve.  I've lost my job and have been so stuck that I cannot even look for work. My coping behaviors have me imprisoned.  I lost my job because I wasn't paying attention, and was somewhere I shouldn't have been anyway - with someone I shouldn't have been - doing things I shouldn't have been doing!  I missed a shift.  I was "out of pocket."  Attempting to fill the void.  The void that has allowed me to gain 30 pounds.  Mostly because I haven't been caring for myself.  Oh, I profess - but I don't do anything.  I "know", but I don't really do anything about it.

The definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  I don't know that I expect different results, but I hope that things will get better. basically without my having to change anything --- which is insane.  Don't we do that though???

I know that it's fear that has me paralyzed.  Just dead stuck.

I lean to much on my own understanding.  My own mind.  It betrays me.  I betray myself.  I let my inner defenses have their way.  I suppose it better than feeling what is under it.

Ever since my mentor left, I have been so lost.  It isn't if I don't know the way -- isn't as if he did not teach me.  With all that I have to deal with - I cave too easily.  It's almost as if I'm not in the drivers seat - and I'm on auto pilot.  I just am along for the ride.  I know that I can change, I have done it before.  I need a miracle.  Once again.  And I know from where it needs to come.  Jesus has never failed me.  He won't fail me now.

I'm grateful for my path, but it is mine alone.  I know this.  For those of you few, thank you for taking it with me. This pain, this emptiness, my addictions, and the lot --- is hard to manage -- but I'll rise again.  I've always heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I'm banking on just that.

From bar to church --- Lord please help me.  I need an intervention of some kind, into my life.  On so many levels.  I've got to stop professing and get down to the nitty gritty.  I've let my character defects run amuck and I'm sick of myself.  Life is what we get when we're not paying attention, and when we don't consciously choose.  I've not been choosing, but just letting it ride.  That isn't going to get it.  Momma's gone, and I've got to deal with the damages.  The tally's quite high.  An the bodies keep piling up.  So high that it is overshadowing my life.  It's like the Sahara desert up in here.  It's my own damn fault.

My friend, my precious friend says, "Trust God and do good."  That's my mantra.  One damn foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  This too shall pass.  One thing I know if I know nothing else.... the only thing that stays the same, IS change.  I suppose when I get really ready -- which for me today is church.  It's a giant hole in my life.  Today that stops.  I hope it's a good fit.  Please God.  I need it so badly.  That's the amazing thing about God, if you step out for Him, He will always reach out to you - He'll come running to you.  I'm counting on just that.  I don't know why it is taking me all of my life to accept and comprehend that God is a constant --- I suppose because I did not bond with my Mother.  This chrome that is surrounding my heart.  Barbed wire more like it.  Not that I don't feel anything -- because I do -- feel so much.  But God isn't about feeling - it's about knowing and believing.  I have so much doubt in myself, and life.  At least right now.  God knows me, and He knows my heart.  I've never had that kind of permanence - I don't know how to trust something that I've never had.  I'm trying to comprehend however.  I was almost there once.  It was so beautiful.... I'm so glad that I wrote...

Thank you Jesus for keeping me safe in my own selfishness.  Your grace is immeasurable.  It truly blows my mind.  Settle my heart, and my mind.  Lead me home.

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