Wednesday, February 10, 2016

The Relentless Journey.....from head to heart.

This is the picture of my current quest.  These two books my mates.  My first reading of the day is: "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young.  I read this one first for it's inspiration and strength building in the Lord..... and it's wonderful messages, just as if Jesus himself were speaking to you.  I personally, find it quite uplifting and heartfelt.  I read the ascribed scriptures, in which I find much comfort.

The second book is: " Mean Mothers"- Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt.  I suppose the name pretty much says it all.  For those that are faint of heart - and that have a hard time imagining a mother as anything other than the virgin Mary --- take heed, because this is going to get hairy.  I've written previously about some of the issues that I had with my mom, but I'm now on a mission to HEAL.  I'm dedicated to break the power that this relationship had/has over me and my relationships ( and with  myself).  I would be honored if whomever would follow along with me in this process - but if you just cannot, I fully understand.  All that I ask is that if you know of a woman or a man that this rings true with --- Please, PLEASE inform them of my writing.  I am not only doing this for my own therapeutic benefit, I do this in high hopes that this might help someone else heal as well.  All of my writing is for hope's sake, of being beneficial to someone else.....  So please be kind enough to pass on my link.

Reading "Mean Mothers", is enormously difficult.  I have had to make myself read it.  Ms. Streep's experience is so similar to my own that it is frightening.  As per our culture -- we think/believe/affirm that motherhood is like a reflex.  We in America just annotate that a woman has a baby and everything that she needs to know just shows up "poof", after she has the baby - like magic.  This is such as misnomer.  Mothers are human too, they have feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, and struggle just like everyone, every human.  It takes skill, enormous patience, kindness, gentleness, selflessness, and extreme effort to be a good mother.  Some woman have what it takes, and some don't.  It's not a promised skill.....maternity.  It certainly isn't magical.  Trust me, I know.  I've been on the receiving end of one of the ones that didn't get a good dose of fairy dust.

As I really process this content - or even approach this book and all of it's emotionality - I feel a bit like I've a touch of PTSD.  I do not say this lightly.  I've shared that I do not remember much of my childhood - what I do remember is as if I were looking at a child that I do not know..... from outside of her.  I know that this is a very intimate thing to admit - but if I am going to do this, you're going to have to see inside of me. ( I just pray that God will protect me, and grant me the blessing with the knowledge that the sole purpose of this is to enlighten, and inform.)  This is what intimacy is -- "in to me see. "  This little girl is hollow, and she is afraid.

What I know as of now - having had a parent that stiffens when you approach them for love, all the while knowing intrinsically that they do not love you (I knew by the tine that I was 4) makes for horrific feelings of self-doubt.  One tries to figure out who's at fault, that is what children do --- and looking at your mother who from all intensive purposes, looks perfect - without a hair out of place, you conclude that the problem must be with you.  And so you swallow that inside yourself.  Thus is I believe the beginning of my memory loss.

How could I want to remember that she has no desire to comfort me?  How could I want to remember when she would scold me for being in pain?  I can remember bits and pieces of lying in the bed sobbing (I was ill as a child with reoccurring bladder/kidney infections) because I hurt.... and the shaking of the bed would wake her up --- and she'd scold me.  Not really for being in pain, but that I'd not woken her earlier - and she'd attempt to sooth me, but I was so afraid of her.  My mom did not respond well to fear.  Fear made my mother angry.  That was a combo.  Of course my little mind didn't comprehend that she was angry because I'd not woken her - all I felt was her anger.  Being such a sensitive child, I was already riddled with so much fear -- and he yelling at me, did not help - it broke my heart.  Her attempts to soothe me, fell on a wounded heart.  Then came the shame of it all....."if you would have just told Mommy"....  Yeah right.  Like I'm going to trust you.....

This just one experience -- out of many hospitalizations of which she never attended..... it was always my dad.

So as I'm understanding all of this, and beginning to dig into the feelings associated -- therein lies the years of self doubt, fear, and self loathing.  Does anyone fully understand now why I've been in therapy for 25+ years?  Make sense?  I have  chrome around my heart.  It started forming when I was a child.  I've tried to remove it, but I didn't have the right tools.  I believe --- now I do.  All things come in God's timing.  For everything there is a season.

This, this is why my life is empty and I have addictive behavior jumping like crazy.  Wounds.  We all have them, some more, some less, some people never attend to them and they run their whole lives.  I refuse to be prey to this junk my whole life.  I deserve SO much more!!!  Lord Jesus Christ I will heal.  I did not deserve the things that were during my childhood, nor the affect that it's had on my adulthood either.  These mother/daughter issues have prevented me from having fulfilling relationships for half my life and although it is not going to be an easy endeavor - I will heal.

Merciful Father,
Thank you Lord for this branch to healing.  Thank you Lord for my life, shelter, food, and sustenance.     As I have prayed for my head and my heart to converge, Lord mend my emotions - and guide my relationships.  I thank you for the precious people in my life, and I continue to ask you to bless, keep, guide, and direct each and everyone of them.  Lord let my life be a reflection of You- and use me for Your honor.  As always Lord, thank you immensely for your grace - Your precious gift of redemption, and love.  I pray for Your precious will in my life - today and alway.  In Jesus sweet name, Amen.

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