Saturday, March 26, 2016

In the blink of an eye.

So much has transpired, I hardly know where to begin.

Mostly what I want to convey is the pain that I feel and how vastly I am trying to understand the ability of humans to be so callused, cold, and detached.  How much control plays a part in relationships between a man and a woman.  I've never experienced it on this level.

I suppose I thought that I had the corner on family dysfunction...but for all intensive purposes, I know now that I am not alone.  When people walk out of your life and emotionally cut you off --- the pain is brutal. I've been here before.  No answers, no validation, no closure, no end in the attempt of the mind to process what just happened.  It searches for answers.  It can't but not.  Seek and search - that's what the brain does... endlessly.

People can come into our lives for all sorts of reasons.  For all sorts of seasons.  Sometimes it is hard to tell, and sometimes we have to wait for the answers.  Sometimes even when we ask for what we need in the best possible way that we know how --- be that right or wrong in someone else's eyes, we get rejected.  Rejection on any level is brutally painful and very devastating to our self-esteem, not even to mention our hearts, and our spirits.  It is exceedingly difficult to keep positive thought, care, and concern about the person that has abandoned - and or rejected us.  One would have to be a saint.  Rejection on any level is an ego-murder.  I've worked long and hard on my ego life, but yet, this has damaged me greatly.  For a person that has had as hard of a time learning to ask for what they need, to do so and be abandoned, this was horrific.

This experience has taught me.  This experience has brought me right back to the crux of innate human behavior an how truly cruel humans can be.  Without information, what else is left to speculate?  When another person denies all contact at the end of a close relationship there is nothing to do but speculate, and this I tell you is cruel.  All that is left to deduce is that humans are cruel and harsh.  It may not be the absolute truth - but it is my truth.

I have been in so much agony and pain in the wake of one human being.  I'm almost ashamed to say.  Yet I know that I haven't responded much different than anyone else would have done who cared about another person... I've attempted to communicate and seek closure.... but who wouldn't with such an event?  Being left high and dry leaves one emotionally bankrupt.  Women give, that's just what we do, and this time I gave it all.  I don't do that often - but for this man I did.

Of course I want to tear him to screeds.  However, I actually feel compassion for this individual.  Fear must dictate his every move.  I'm grateful I don't live like that. It wasn't wrong that I asked for what I needed, no the problem was that he couldn't give.  I'm sure it's perceived as I asked for too much, but I know better.  I know what it takes as a clinician for a relationship to function and thrive - and ours wasn't cutting it.  When I am really honest with myself, as much as I cared for him, I wasn't happy.  My needs weren't being met.  Of course it isn't always just about that - it goes both ways -- but if the other person doesn't speak for themselves, there isn't one single thing that will make the relationship work.  Hope will not make a good relationship work.  I'm high functioning and I know it.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I do my part, and then some - if I haven't already done the work, you can bet I'm aware that I'm in process.  I'm just open and not every one is.  Period.  Most folks don't even think about they're thinking. That is a FACT.

Life has been pretty brutal as of late.  Long days and difficult nights.  I started a new job and this has been stressful but good.  I thank God for it.  As my stress level rises I find myself as risk of addictive behaviors, and some not so great thinking that I have to stay on top of.  I could easily fall back into addictive behavior because I have been in such intense emotional pain.  I won't lie I've thought a lot about using.  I've used chemicals in my head.  It didn't help -- it never does.

I've been almost in constant prayer.  I've had to be.  I know that either God took this man out of my life, or I just don't have the answer yet.  I'm really trusting God to work this one out, because I'm incapable.  My answers have come from God.  God endured every emotion that we could ever in His time here on earth.  He overcame, and so shall I.  Nothing is too great for Him.  I've laid and cried and cried, and prayed and prayed.  I know that it doesn't fall on deaf ears.  I know that God counts my tears.  In all reality, I don' think that this man doesn't care, I really believe that he's just incapable of being with me.  For whatever reason, this is what he chose because it's easier for him.  Most people choose the easier route.  In all actuality this probably isn't about me at all --- most people are quite selfish.  This is a sad fact, but a fact no doubt.  His level of dysfunction is pretty high.  This is quite evident.  No matter the reason.

I've had the weirdest feeling that this isn't over, alas I suppose because there was really no end.  I do still have quite deep feelings for this man.  I understand why people do the things that they do.  It doesn't excuse the behavior however.  Nothing excuses that kind of cruelty.  I blamed myself for a while.  I stopped that.

God will answer my prayers.  He always does, and does so in amazing ways.  I do trust.  I am learning.  This is what I live for, to learn.  Nothing is ever a mistake, if we always learn.  What is this trying to teach me?  Just because you ask doesn't mean you get.  Relationships aren't always the answer.  Sometimes they're the problem.  In my loneliness I sought out something I thought I did not have... only to find it wasn't there.  God had it all the time.

 I still do not believe we are meant to be alone in this world.  Yet, there are those that just cannot give of themselves, or don't want to.  Maybe they just don't need.

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