Sunday, May 22, 2016

Blessings beyond the pain.

It's been quite awhile since I've written.  Many things have transpired.  My stent has been removed from my kidney - and there's some post pain - but nothing like I've had.  I thing all together I had six ER visits throughout the ordeal.  Plus, my boss politely, (and I say that kindly) as I got my nails done, let me go...stating that I just wasn't able to do the job.  This was a total switch from his telling me to completely heal 100% prior to returning to work, as though he was actually concerned for my wellbeing.  I'd went in to retrieve my very small pay, and get my nails done - and although my nail services had been being free..... he charged me, leaving me with a whopping $12.00.  How kind of him.....  I was really shocked, and somewhat dismayed.  I suppose - such is life.  So here I am, on the mend with no employment and so little money it is actually funny.  Yet, I'm feeling so much better emotionally - I have faith that everything will be just dandy.

I've made a new male friend that I don't believe that I've mentioned - and he has been a godsend.  Sort of like the brother I never had, only much better - he's been there when no one else has - and most definitely shown me that he is a tried and true friend.  He's waited hours for me at the emergency room, actually took me to surgery - and brought me home, and all with brilliant valor.  He's a friend like I've not had in quite sometime - and I adore him for his character and integrity.  God works in mysterious ways..... His wonders never cease.  I am so grateful for this relationship - I cannot even put it into words.  He does what he does purely out of the goodness of his heart.  He's helped me restore faith in mankind.  God knew.....

I've also reconnected with someone that I never thought that I would - which I once loved with all of my heart.  It's a story like no other and it seems like for whatever reason that it's now not at it's end.  Now whether or not this goes no further than a strong friendship or becomes something more -- I am deeply pleased.  I thought that I'd lost all contact with this man, forever.  Matter of fact the things that I "thought" -- as per my sometimes dysfunctional thinking do not serve me well.  However, I am learning.  Praise God!!!  I am captivated by how God works in my life, and so often in such a subtle, gentle manifestations.  This is the glory of the Father -- to do the impossible.  What I mean by this is that I'd gotten on an internet dating application.  Mostly for fun, and out of sheer boredom.  This is how my beloved friend and I reconnected..... except he says that I sent him a message - but I did not.  I couldn't have because he isn't in my contacts to do so.  I believe this was a divine intervention.  He would say that I'm loony - but I know what I know.....  now we have plans to reunite, and this makes me enormously happy.  

I have also reconnected with a dear female friend and it has just been delightful.  She is one of the most generous, kind, giving, authentic women that I have known in quite some time.  We've been having a splendid time together.  Last Sunday - I had several friends in my home, and my phone actually rings and dings with messages, calls from people that are in my life.  God has answered my prayers.  Even though I've not really been able to deeply pray lately other than to praise Him, even in this awful pain - He's answering my prayers!  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and doing so beautifully.  Although I've not been to church, nor am I a consistent reader of the word (not that I'm advocating these things) - but I truly believe it's about a state of the heart.  Not that one's heart has to be 100% pure either, because I have my demons, just like everyone.  But, God is life - beauty, and for me, He's in the quest for wholeness.  He knows the desires of my heart and He has heard my prayers.  He's heard me praise Him for all things, even the most basic things - even in the depths of my despair.  His love is so vast that it commands my attention despite my human trust issues....of which I am not proud.  He understands it.  He understands all.  

I do not have the connection that I did when I was at Midland Church - albeit God is still with me just as strong.  I miss my church immensely - but God is still at the center of my life.  As Paul White used to tell us, "God isn't in this building... He's in your heart."  I've always known that in my head, but praise Jesus, I'm finally beginning to conceive that in my heart.  This is where it needs reside.  

Don't ever doubt that God is for you and not against you.  He hears your prayers, even when you cannot utter a word.  The Holy Spirit intercedes for you - and makes your requests be known and I believe sometimes that's our best communication with God, when there just aren't words.  When the heart speaks, I believe  people as well as God, listen.  It's hard to grasp during those deeply pain-filled moments, but God is ever so near us.  Our torment is His.  If we can just learn to give it to Him.  This is one of my greatest weaknesses, the pain sucks me into it, and away from God, but I am learning.  Ask for the Father to deliver you... because He will, each and every time.  It may not be the way you think it should go -- but I tell you He will transform your life.  Pain always transforms us.  All we have to do is feel the pain, and trust the Lord.  Praise Him anyway, hold on and see what happens.  It doesn't even take great faith, for we all falter at times when we're hurting.  Just try and remember what man uses for evil, God will use for His good.  

And always, always --- have hope.  God will make something beautiful out of your suffering.     

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