Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hello and welcome to my new home!!!

Hello!!!! I apologize for taking such a long hiatus from writing!  Much has transpired.  Obviously I am now in a new home.  A miracle has taken place...a much prayed for miracle.  Despite my failings, (and I fail daily) God in is ineffable mercy has blessed me beyond measure.  I am in a brand new apartment - with much lower rent.  It will take a little time, but financially things will be much, much, better.

I have been ill.  My right kidney and my liver has some spots on it... and I'm getting that checked out but I had a few months of mind-blowing pain.  I had great difficulty with the medical community - and I find that many other's at this time are having problems with medical things also.... so at least I don't feel alone.  I had one physician never call about the results of a test that he ordered... which to me is just unacceptable.  I find our medical community is really substandard at best these days.  They want high dollar, but don't give the same in service.  Anyway.....that's been my experience as of late.

I've returned to Midland church, which is home.  It feels great to be worshiping again.  I really don't know why I ever stopped other than I needed to process the loss of Pastor.  I'm in a much better place with that than I've ever been.  Loosing someone that means so much to you - deserves time.  Give yourself what you need in life.

I have a new therapist.  I am still working my way to break free from my past.  I just want those of you that do follow my blog to know that I'm not going to do this the rest of my life.  It seems that the affects of the relationship that I had with my Mother is the taproot of a great deal of my "self-talk".  I am still in process of learning how to nurture myself - and it's not been the easiest of ventures.  I have a therapist now that nails me when I say derogatory things about myself or pertaining to myself, he just won't allow me to do it.  Oft times, I do not even know I'm speaking negatively, it's so ingrained into my psyche.  When all you've heard growing up is how stupid you are, it tends to stick.  Most of what damaged me in the dealings with my mother were her behaviors.  I was a very sensitive child, probably too much so.  I did not need punishment many times, because I would cry when she looked at me.  I "felt" her disappointment and disapproval.  I think sometimes that is worse than the latter.  I felt every bit of disgruntled feelings she had towards me, and I knew at a very young age that she did not love me.  I have a highly developed intuition.  I did even as a child.  I sensed things about people, who was safe and who was not.  I believe this is why I cannot remember - my brain protected me.  I am highly grateful.  There was a time that I tried to recall, I was hypnotized twice in college trying to recall my childhood - but it was unsuccessful both times.  I thank God for that.

I am currently working on understanding my limits with pain.  I have a tendency to over do  - and then suffer the consequences.  This is unhealthy.  I think to some degree I am not accepting my disability.  I mean who would want to?  It takes guts to admit ways in which you are vulnerable in any circumstance.  I thought I had the ability to be vulnerable - but I suppose there are always levels in which we don't want to go and this is one for me.  It makes me feel weak, and powerless.  As many  opportunities as I've had to experience powerlessness, one would think that I'd be used to it by now - but I'm just not.  It's not a comfortable feeling, I don't think for anyone.  Knowing that you are or have reached your limit and there is nothing further that you can do -- most of the time just feels helpless, and who on earth wants to feel that?  It feels lazy at times, and I'm far from lazy.  I suppose it has all sorts of connotations that aren't necessarily positive and this is hard.  I'm working on trying to be gentle with myself, and honor my body.  It's a work in progress.

The loneliness has finally abated for now.  I've had two rather large shopping spree's.  That's what I do when I feel totally alone in this world.  Alone, bored, and itching for something, someone, or some feeling to fill that huge void.  You all know what I'm talking about - that place where the grass is always greener, dropping everything and just getting in the car to destinations unknown?  That place where everything would be alright if we could just walk away from our troubles.  Well, when I shop - I go to that very place.  It's new, bright, shinny, and has nothing to do with now.  When I order online - I have something to look forward to, and when I get to go to a store, I'm lost in the moment (which sometimes last hours)... and then when I get the purchases home, I carry the feeling through because I have new things.  It's a straight up addiction for me.  I go into a kind of mode, my heart races, and my thinking changes.  I'm aware, but I don't want to be - and I don't listen to the opposing voice of reason.  I know that the voice of reason for me is the holy spirit.  I'm always sorry that I did not listen.  Especially because I know that it is the holy spirit, because it is trying to protect me.  Always to protect, guide, and instruct, and uphold truth.

I've been so busy lately with the move and all but I've gotten back into reading my Bible again.  For me, reading scriptures brings me back to my days with Pastor Paul - and the truth about my Jesus.  I love the living word and how it speaks to me.  I love how God will help me find passages that touch my heart and feed my soul right when I need them.  God is so amazing like that.  It blows my mind that I am still learning from the four years that I studied under Pastor Paul.  How blessed I am to have had his teaching for the time that I did.  It is just beyond words.  I will be grateful the rest of my life for that time at Midland.  It was truly a gift from God.

This apartment is a gift from God.  I've got a lot of things going on.... but alas, everything will work out.  I'm getting on a budget to try and fix this mess I've made - and I will do it with God's help.  I've got appointments to find out what these spots are on my kidneys and liver (scary) but it will all work out.  I have no doubt that God's got me.  I'm not going to work for awhile unless this really neat thing that's in the works - comes through - and I'm going to focus on some volunteer work.  I love doing volunteer work.  It's so rewarding, and the relationships that you make are extraordinary.  I might work with children this time.  I'm not certain just yet.

Whatever comes next will be a blessing.  This is my hope for you too.  That what ever you are dealing with that you have someone or something in you life that brings you joy.  This world is hard enough.  We need joy.  We need peace.  Most of all we need something or someone that we can call on outside of ourselves that is bigger than we are for our hope.  For me this is Christ.  It can be anything you need it to be.  However it's important that we believe in something or else life just gets to be too much.  I hope you have that.  I don't know what I'd do without God.  Being such an addictive type person - I believe I'd be deceased already.  Especially with both my parents being gone.  It's almost impossible out here alone.

So I wish you hope, peace, and health.  I hope you come back and join me.  We're all in this together - Grace, Peace, and many blessings from my new home!!!    

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