Saturday, September 10, 2016

Surrendering Out Loud

Anxiety.  In a word - it's fear.  Fear amped up.  I feel this more today that what I'd like, more as of late than I usually do.  Mostly it's because I have to give something that I truly enjoy -- up.   I have to give something up that I will still have to continue to do ----in a controlled fashion.   Having to do things that you are addicted to in a different way is damn hard.  I suppose it's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling today... sort of lost and out of sorts.  I really don't know where to begin to attempt to surrender this.  It isn't as if I've not been here before, because I have- with food, alcohol, drugs, and other negative behaviors.  Yet this sure feels different.  I'm not certain as to why.  The feelings of powerlessness are just difficult - I don't care how one slices it.  Powerlessness feels like defeat, like weakness, like the end of the line, and void of choices.  I just wonder how much of that vein of thought is my disease talking... because it doesn't want to let go?

Some folks don't believe in addiction as a disease.  In reality dis-ease is a state of being.  A person certainly isn't at ease when under the spell of alcohol or drugs...... or whatever "it" may be.  Professionals such as myself are taught that alcoholism and addiction is a disease because it's a progressive disorder that eventually leads to death if there is no intervention.  There's actually five precise elements - five markers or factors that have to be met in order to be diagnosed just like a person with an emotional disorder or personality disorder in the DSM ---whatever level they are on now.  (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual)  There's a difference between abuse of chemicals, and addiction.  People throw these words around a lot and do not really know what they are stating medically, but it's understandable.  That is not what this blog is about.  However calling addiction a disease is not and does not let the addict or alcoholic off the hook, by any means.  He or she is still responsible for their recovery.  Just as I was, and am.  This shopping addiction has gotten me into one hell of a state financially.  I'm dealing with the consequences as I sit at the keyboard today.  It's not  pretty.  It's quite depressing, as well as devastating.

I've felt this coming on, this conglomeration of feelings - this process that I'm going through.  The only way that I know I can stop continuing to charge is by giving up these cards.  I've just got to do it.  There is no other way around it.  I am powerless.  The hard part for me is that I judge myself for it, and the crazy old tapes from my mother kick in - and I have all sorts of negative self blaming and judgement.  I don't need this.  I never needed that - I especially don't need it now.  This is hard enough.  If I could or knew how --- I'd erase everything that woman ever said that was negative to me.  That would be a tall order but at some point in my life, I've got to let it go, and heal from it.  I just wish upon wishing, I knew how.  No one knows how hard I've worked to rid myself of my past.  Grace has relieved a great deal of the shame, guilt, and intense anger that I once had towards my mother but I'm not completely free from the damage.  I praise God that I cannot remember most of my childhood - so that I don't have more to deal with than I do - because what I have is enough.  More than enough.  But apologetically - I digress.

I know in my mind logically that surrender is about winning.  I stand at the edge.  It's really the worst place to be, vacillating, having difficulty making any decision because of this horrible feeling of powerlessness.  I've got to make a decision.  Not making one is making me feel ill.  It's times like these that I think we ask ourselves, "how did I get here?"  It's a rhetorical question.  I'm smarter than this - but addiction has nothing to do with intelligence.  Most addicts are quite smart - quite ingenious actually.  But anyway -  part of my problem is that I'm trying to do this alone, and I need God's help.  More now than ever - I need His guidance, strength, and direction.  I cannot do this alone.  My intellect is my greatest weakness... and it's when I don't think about God.  Actually there isn't much to think about - I know what I need to do.  I've been stalling out of my own unwillingness.  Hoping there was another way.  However, there is not.  I know this.  Jesus will see me through.  He always has.  He always will.  I've certainly been through worse.

No matter what you  are struggling with today - as you see - we all struggle.  I am an addictive type of personality.  It has morphed into shopping now for me - and I have done some damage.  It's (Thank God) nothing that can't be corrected - with some discipline and tough choices, but I'll be okay.   We aren't  perfect people.  We're all flawed.  Some folks like to make you think that they're perfect, but somewhere they've got things they don't tell anyone stowed away as well.  It's human nature.  It's ok.  This is why we need a power greater than ourselves for strength, and hope.  Mine is Jesus.  I got lost in the problem for a second, as we do.  He understands how we are.  My independence is a character defect of mine.  Thank goodness I know it.

Father God, forgive me for getting lost in my own mind and forgetting that You're my greatest problem solver.  Thank you Father that you know what lies ahead and have already made a way where there was none.  Help me Father to stay centered in You and at peace during this time in my life as I face my financial consequences of my actions - for I know that You can do for me what I cannot do for myself.  Help me always be mindful of You, allow me to be able to bless others Father, as it be Your will.  Be with me and those that I love today and always, keep us safe - thank You Jesus -- in Jesus holy name, Amen.

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