Monday, November 28, 2016

On My Mind

I'm going to publish this mainly because I truly believe in it's content --- even though it's a post from last week.  Things have transpired and I did get some help from some dear friends --- that I cherish.  However, I've had much thought, and I've processed things almost incessantly.  My depression has somewhat subsided, I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  When you feel so alone in the world  - a world that feels cold, detached, and uncaring, it's a devastating feeling.  I know some of you can relate.  Missing loved ones, spending holidays by yourself, and being broke to boot - feels like hitting a bottom where hope is concerned.  I made it through, of course  but not without pain.  I don't like emotional pain.  Who does?  But I had to ask myself many questions, and I did not like some of them.  I did not like it because some of them were in regards to my being angry with myself.  Those kinds of queries are never easy to admit.  But if I am anything I am honest, and this includes with myself.  Those are the hardest questions to face.  But they must be faced if we are to be forthright with our true selves.  I surely don't want to be a type of person that blames others for my own crap.  I refuse to do that.  So, I have to own what's mine.  Yeah, I've been pretty miserable lately, and yes, I have been upset with myself.  I"m not going to wallow in it, but it is true.  It's going to take time to get out of this financial mess.  I'm going to struggle.  That is fine.  I own that,  much as I don't want to, I have to.  Difficult times, bring about, and expose real truths.  That's just what I've been through.  I always strive to learn from life.  It's a passion of mine.  People show their true colors when you're in need - believe you me.  It's in our best interest to discover what roles people play in your life, or you'll be let down, for sure.  I'll say one bit of a little wisdom that I learned that's not new news but that is a truth -- when people show you who they are -- BELIEVE THEM.  *********************************************************************************

LIFE is difficult - this is a great truth.  I cannot remember where I read this, but I recall it sharply - and it bumbles around my dark mind.  This month has been pure unadulterated hell.  I have had no money basically since the third, and anyone that's ever been broke knows, money is life.  You have no choices without funds.  Everything you want to do and NEED to do evaporates without funds.  Your chances are eliminated, your choices are reduced to basically nothing - and life pretty much ceases to exist.  However, I've done my best to take this with a grain of salt - and go on - the hardest part is truly finding out who cares for you and who doesn't.  Because when the chips are truly down, you find out what's up.  An you find out quick who's in your corner.....and who's not.  You even find out who's supportive and who's not.  It's actually sort of interesting watching it all unfold if you can stomach it ---- because believe you me - it hurts.  Especially when you're a giver.  I'd never leave one of my friends in the position I'm in.  I just wouldn't.  This is what friends are for.  At least in my mind, maybe I have got this thing mixed up or inaccurate in my mind - but to me, when we are at an all time low - aren't we supposed to help pick each other up?  Not because we're "supposed" to - but out of the goodness of our hearts?

See I'm real confused right now.  Real confused and hurt.  I guess I'm naive.  However, I still would not change who I am for anything in the world.  I believe whole-heartedly that this is the way that God designed us.  We were put on this earth to help each other.  Not to be selfish and self-seeking.  We were put here to unite and support each other.  This is how my heart works.  If I knew that some one was struggling like I've struggled this month --- and I had money to share, there is no way that I'd not have helped him or her.  And I'd joyously have done it.  Do you think this has been done for me?  I guess you can answer that by reading this post.  I've had a few compassionate people come to my aid - dear people that I call true friends - the others, my feelings have changed about entirely.

You may ask yourself... isn't she having expectations?  I've asked myself the same question.  I don't expect people to help me, and I fully realize that not everyone has the same heart that I do.  Yet, I question - what does lifelong friendships mean?  I am totally perplexed.  I've had basically strangers help me, meet basic needs, and have more compassion!

My heart is heavy, and I'm quite depressed.  Yes I realize that this is no one's responsibility - and these are MY problems.  I'm a BIG girl.  But where is the compassion?  Where is the concern?

I have so called friends (and I'm rethinking this believe me) that wouldn't buy me food if I were hungry.  I'm hurt and I'm angry.  Maybe I'm out of line, I don't know alls I know is that I'm really done.  I'm done with selfish people.  I'm done with people that judge me.  If you haven't walked in my shoes - and lived in my skin you have no right.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah, I've made mistakes, but does this matter when it comes to survival?  It shouldn't.  When I am someones friend, it's an unconditional love.  My friendships are everything to me.... but then again I'm rethinking this too.  I certainly seem to give to much of my heart to people that clearly don't deserve it.  This is going to stop.  I don't even care if this looks, smells, or appears like self-pity, because it's not.  It's just cold, hard, FACTS.  The fact of the matter is that I'd help my friends if they were in my situation, and they could really care less if I have enough.  Very few, if any of them have verbalized "Ghee Gina I'm sorry your having such a difficult time"....  it's just like "oh well".  I suppose I'm just supposed to be okay with being flat ass broke for weeks on end.  I guess it's no ones problem but my own.  This is the kind of world that we live in now.  I guess I'd better get used to it, Christian or not.  It's dog eat dog.

I guess I"m the real fool here.  Maybe I'm completely off track.  I don't know - maybe I'm just an odd bird in wanting to help others when they struggle.  God forbid that I get a blessing out of lightening some oneness load.  I must be a lunatic.

All's I know is that my heart is hurt.  Oh I'm learning alright.  I refuse to let it turn into a resentment - that's why I'm writing.  Call me crazy but I will let this go.

I will be spending Thanksgiving by myself this  year.  My friend will bring me a plate of food.  I'll survive.  I received two invites, but I don't have the gas to go.  So, I'll stay home and watch T.V. with my cat.  I'm learning about people, people that say that they love you.  I'm learning more and more about life and how hard it is without family.  Even with family it's hard......depends upon the family.  God will see me through.  He always does.  There's about 10 more days left of the month, and I don't exactly know if next month will be better or not.  It should be.  Regardless,  I'm going to move on with my life.  I'm just going to carefully reconsider who I call my friend.

Maybe I"m totally wrong, maybe I'm completely off base.  I know that there are people that are in WAY worse circumstances than me --- please, I know this.  So please don't judge me in that way.  This is not a pity party.  It's my attempt to process what my heart feels, and my head thinks.  I also know, unequivocally that I 'm going through this for a reason - things always happen for a reason -- and that this is only for a season.  Things will get better.  Of all the populace, I shouldn't have to justify myself with you all.... my hope should stand for itself.  It's mostly the state of the world that has me so upset, and now self-focused most humans are nowadays.  It just makes me wonder what Jesus would think, and what it's doing to His heart?  Cause I know it's hurting mine.

Be that person that those close to you can rely on.  Give from your heart.  Think about others needs.  Consider your neighbors struggles, with compassion.  We all need each other.

God Bless.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Unexpected Answers......

It's been a while since I've written.  I've had several new things develop.  I've began a new therapy, and I'm ever so excited (and hopeful) about it.  I had decided to change therapist's because of a multitude of inappropriate things that were taking place, the main thing was that I was not being heard.  Knowing from my own background -- a good therapist listens, whereas what I was experiencing was being told that what I felt was inaccurate.  That's a huge red flag.  My self-esteem might not be stellar but it isn't the lowest of low.... and I kept having that shoved down my throat.  If I know anything I am a survivor, and a damn good one at that - I may not have the greatest of coping skills, however they've gotten me through many a trauma.  Besides, I got very tired of hearing stories about other clients (no names were used of course) as if these stories were somehow useful to me.  Take it from me, if you feel like you're not being heard by your counselor or therapist, listen to your gut..... I couldn't even confront it because he would get mad if I spoke up.  There is some serious dysfunction there.  It was how he saw it, or I needed to see someone else... so that is what I did, and man what a blessing from God!!!

This new Doctor is a God send.  It is an answer to many a prayer.  I am doing what is called EMDR - Eye movement desensensitation reorganization.  It's a re-mapping of the brain memory strands.  I probably don't have that quite right, but you can google it, and read more information about it if you would like, but the basis of it is that you take traumatic memories and re-map them, reorganize them with other memories that aren't traumatic.  It's done through some touch (on your knees), and rapid eye movement.  The process involves activating both brain hemispheres.  I've had two sessions.  I'm so hopeful.  The thing that I see most out of what I've done so far is that I am not reacting to thing like I would have used to, and I'm much more emotionally balanced.  Just calmer.  It has really increased my dream life - which is what Doc said would happen ---- it's the brains way or reorganizing these traumatic events.

This therapy really is what I've prayed for because I've basically tried everything else.  I cannot remember who said it, I think it was Einstein, but "you cannot solve problems with the same brain that created them", and I truly believe this.  There has to be some form of intervention.  EMDR is my intervention.  It used a lot with PTSD - and really anyone with a traumatic background.  It's not widely known about - and is fairly new.  I urge you to check it out if if looks like something that might be of help.  It is extremely enlightening.

On the home front - Gracie (my tabby) has had bad, bad allergies.  I took her to the vet and got a steroid liquid and man talk about a fight to give a cat meds.  It did not work however, and it hurt my heart to have to basically wrestle her daily to get it in her little mouth.  Of course she thought she was being punished and it just killed me.  Half (if not more) of the medicine went flying all over the kitchen, it was a nightmare.  So now I have to take her back and get the shot which should have been given in the first place.  Another large vet bill and a 60 mile trip that freaks her out.  She cries all the way there and all the way back.  It's really fun folks.  I take her so far because it is so much more economical and I've been to this vet for years.  They really are less expensive than the one's here in town.

I've not been to church, every Sunday I wake up in awful pain.  This past weekend I was on day three of double dry socket.  I had two teeth pulled Wed.  Of course I got dry socket.  Life wouldn't be normal if it weren't difficult for me......LOL.  It's going to be yet another difficult month financially - and I'm so tired of it.  One would think that I'd be used to it by now - but you never get used to not having enough to get the things that you need, and never having anything left over.  I need a (financial) miracle.

It's all going to get better, it's just going to take time.  I was the one that shopped myself in to a nightmare and now am having to pay the financial consequences.  I have no one to blame but myself. The holy spirit warned me when I was spending without thought of consequences - and I did not heed the warning .... I proceeded to feed my disease.  I am so hopeful with this new therapy that my compulsions can be healed, and I can get my financial circumstances in order and stop using spending money that I don't have as an improper coping mechanism.  It's got me imprisoned right now with no money and no gasoline..... for three more days.  I don't feel sorry for myself - I'm not really angry, I sometimes feel defeated, but for the most part I just accept it and understand.  I don't know if this is "healthy" - or I'm in denial to be honest.  I don't know what I could do different actually.  It's done, I've made purchases this month on the cards that are saved in certain stores online - because I can't seem to stop myself.  I'm still hopeful!!!  Yes, damn it, I said hopeful!  If anyone spent as much time as I do alone, and broke --- well I tell you riding yourself of coping skills is not easy.  An perhaps that is just a justification I'm not certain - I try and be as honest with myself as I know how to be, alas, I'm human.

This will balance itself out.  I know it.  I will choose different behaviors.  I'm claiming it.  See Doc explained to me that the things that we did when we were at the age that we experienced the trauma - and lived the lives that we did --- were methods of survival during that time.  However, we grow up and we are not in that environment any longer.  We grow up yet we are still behaving, coping, and attempting to adjust in that same manner and it has now became a "symptom".  This is where a huge amount of depression, addiction, compulsiveness ---ect. comes from.  What once served us, now hurts us.  GOSH where has this information been all my life?????   Praise Jesus, I'm so filled with gratitude right now..... and I have been! It makes so much sense to me.  All of the things that I did as a child attempting to "not be seen", "avoid feeling", and "hide" - are now anxiety, fear, depression, and disconnection from everything.

Wow.  I say.  WOW.

The other side of this is that my intellect over serves me.  I over think everything.  It gets in the way of my relationship with God even.  It prevents me from asking for help.  It oft times keeps me isolated, and alone.  It really no longer serves me.  I need to find a balance between thought and feeling.  Trust is all bottled up in there as well.  I'm not sure how all of this will come about, but I do trust that it will.  I'm very hopeful, God has brought me this far.  If it hadn't of been for my ability to think quickly as a child, I would have never survived.  Now, however, it doesn't serve me as well.  It has become a symptom of discontent.

It never ceases to amaze me at how my Lord knows me.  The ways in which He answers prayer.  So unexpected and so beautifully.  My heart is tendered more and more each and every time, for I gain greater understanding of His heart.  An that my friends is amazing.

Thank you Jesus, sweet Jesus, for answering my prayers so eloquently as You always do!  I'm so filled with blessings for and to You at this time in my life I hardly know what to do with myself.  I know I'm healing Father, and I thank You so much.  Father, help me, help myself in every manner that I need to - Father and give it my best effort.  I pray for those that read this blog Father, that whatever healing that they  may have, or need be lifted up to you to Father, and bless them as You've so bountifully blessed me!  In Jesus name I pray,  Amen.