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Showing posts from September, 2016

Silencing the inner critic.

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I've ran across these cool video's - from "The school of Life." There is everything you could possibly want to know from Philosophy greats to 'how to do drugs,' which I didn't watch but thought to myself - I probably could teach them a thing or two....

I chose this one because I believe that we all have inner voices that we contend with daily that wreak havoc on our lives.  I know that I do, and I battle with this daily.   For me, there are several different "types" of voices, some good, some brutal.  The most devastating ones, are self-hatred.  They tell me that I'm unworthy - unloveable- ugly - fat - disgusting - and a nobody.  I know who's voice this is.  I imagine if you have these kinds of voices, you too know who's voice it is.  It was whomever was your worst critic in your life.

I've pondered many an hour as to how to stop these voices.  I've put up mental barriers and imagined stop signs in my head.  I've even …

In Search of Acceptance.

So much thought this a.m.  I've been up since 2.  My mind has pretty much been ablaze since I saw my therapist last week.  I know what needs to be done - yet I am not certain how.  I suppose if I am brutally honest, along with not being certain as to the how - I'm afraid of what follows.  I'm not even fully certain what I mean by this.  All that I know is that we as humans maintain identities for ourselves throughout life.  We think of ourselves in various ways, and we become quite attached to these manifestations in our minds.  I am the survivor (from multiple things) of a mentally ill mother, along with various other things, which hindered my life in devastating ways.  I'm a survivor of trauma, and this is how it has  it has been for many years.  It has affected every aspect of my  life.  As  deeply as I regret, I believe that this has become my identity.  Actually I know that I've identified with it, because I've prided myself as becoming an overcomer.  But …

Layers

I've been in much thought about my childhood as of late.  Not a subject that I particularly enjoy - but one that must be endured, especially as I work thru this current addictive process that I an incurring.  I gave up my credit cards - only to open up another charge account.  I'm not certain what I was thinking.  Oh I know what I was thinking - I want a new coffee table and a new rug for my new apartment - but how ridiculous?  It is so sneaky and pervasive.  I lie to myself - the denial is so strong.  I don't want to be accountable - and I want to have what I want, when I want it.   I want the control.  And that is it.  Control.

My recent session with my therapist was about the feelings associated with where I am at with my mom.  She's past now and I've not shed a single tear.  I know that this isn't normal.  However, I'm so conflicted.  I do miss her, but not the relationship that we had.  We had no relationship.  It was a facade.  A superficial facade. …

Surrendering Out Loud

Anxiety.  In a word - it's fear.  Fear amped up.  I feel this more today that what I'd like, more as of late than I usually do.  Mostly it's because I have to give something that I truly enjoy -- up.   I have to give something up that I will still have to continue to do ----in a controlled fashion.   Having to do things that you are addicted to in a different way is damn hard.  I suppose it's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling today... sort of lost and out of sorts.  I really don't know where to begin to attempt to surrender this.  It isn't as if I've not been here before, because I have- with food, alcohol, drugs, and other negative behaviors.  Yet this sure feels different.  I'm not certain as to why.  The feelings of powerlessness are just difficult - I don't care how one slices it.  Powerlessness feels like defeat, like weakness, like the end of the line, and void of choices.  I just wonder how much of that vein of thought is my disease tal…

Elements of Change.

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As much as I welcome change in some areas of my life - there are those certain elements that I just want to fight with everything in me.  I've known for months that this change had/has to come about, however I'm having a great deal of difficulty surrendering to it.  Despite the fact that it has reeked havoc in my life, the consequences are great ---I just do not want to have to do this work.  It isn't that I cannot overcome this - because I know that I'm capable.  The fact of the matter is..... I don't want to, and I suppose if truth be told, I'm struggling with willingness.  This is really insane, and it's multilayered with emotions, behavior, as well as full well knowing that my life is not going to get better if I do not submit to how powerless I truly am with this mixed mass of issues.

Change is hard, no matter how we approach it.  Some people resolve themselves to never change - and man, am I grateful that I'm not one of them.  Depending upon the …

God is so good.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks since moving in, we've gotten through almost all of the boxes - my oh my how much stuff a person accumulates in a few years time.  I got nicknacks that I don't know what to do with, and don't want to discard, everywhere.  I had almost unlimited shelf space at the other apartment, thus creating lots of collecting of trinkets - and now that I've downsized, there just isn't a place to set them.  Oh well, I've got storage this time round, and I suppose that is where they'll land.  It's just that sometimes it's hard to part with the things that you love, especially the things that your used to seeing everyday...even if it is just to put them away for a while.  I'm a sentimental old fool I suppose - things remind me of events and people, and I like this.  I'm fully aware that people take priority over things, but for me they are connected at least in this life.

I'm going through medical stuff again…