Wednesday, June 7, 2017

High Anxiety....

I've been quite anxious lately, all the while, fully knowing that anxiety is: wishing or hoping that the present moment be something that it is, or cannot be.  It's almost like a wish.  It's acquiescence in reverse.  When we don't accept where we are, what we are, what this present moment brings -- it produces anxiety.  I've not been able to sleep really - all because of my inability to process or let go of what my mental processes are.  It's is amazing to me how much power we give our minds.

Most folks don't understand that "blind" thought is just that --- blind thought.  It cannot in absolute be trusted.  They are just thoughts.  It Does NOT make it reality.   I have at different times in my life, shared this with people and gotten looks from them, that would really amaze you.  I suppose although fairly simple the concept it seems to me, this isn't information that everyone has.  Our thoughts are random.  What generates them is from our beliefs, our history, genetics, and more.  It has nothing to do with hard facts.  There are hard facts that we learn, but even at that, some of those are "theories" from other people.  Reality is relative.  It's multidimensional.  Seriously.  It's quite intense actually.  Most of us think that we have a grip on it, but it is transforms steadily.  An it does so for each individual.  This is why it is so important that we understand and practice acceptance, awareness, and empathy.  Simply because or in light of the fact that you are awake in your reality --- does NOT have anything to do, say, or reveal what another person's reality may be...unless they share their's with you.   We ASSUME so much in life.  An we're bad at it even.  Some folks are so close-minded they will never even be enlightened enough to engulf these concepts.  We are a dynamic lot... we humans.

All of this totally amazes me when I reflect upon Jesus, in human form.  What He must have went through.  His emotions, His empathy, His suffering.  An I admit that with my childhood history --- and my intellect being what it is, (the majority of my being ) I struggle with feeling connected still.  Oh, I can psychologically sense a connection, but to emotionally rely?  This is too frightening.  I've had FEW and I mean few humans that I've ever depended upon for security, or any kind of safety.  They have always failed me.  An actually - they will fail--- how ridiculous  - they are human, and cannot help but fail.  As I have shared before - WE ARE ALL WOUNDED in one way or another --- but you know what?  As I learned in the psych ward --- broken crayons still color!!!  It's all okay - and we arrive again at acceptance.

Acceptance, the consumption of the concept has been a huge part of my soul's journey.  I will not say that I am a master, for I am not.  However, I do and am able to walk myself through the process of acceptance when needed, and this is because of Alcoholic's Anon.  It saved my life.  If it not for the 12- steps, as well as working them diligently -- (with God of course) I would not be alive today to write anything.  There is something miraculous that happens in that process - I'm proof positive.  It's principles, it's process brought me through the most difficult period of my life, when I did not know how to live, it gave me a way,  and introduced me to a power greater than myself that I could accept.  I owe a great deal, if not everything to A.A.  It and the miracles that it contains - have been my saving grace before I found The Finished Work Christianity - and the Grace therein contained.  I've been through such a transformation -- most people would not even believe who I was.  Addicted at 17 - afraid to breathe - here I am now writing about life.  It's miraculous.

I'd read my bible as a young girl, and I'd read where it said, "My peace I give to you"... but I did not understand.  I still struggle with worry and anxiety - at times.  However I believe it is mostly self-propelled.  I am at peace in my heart - because I know my Jesus SITS at the right hand of the Father.  As long as Jesus is sitting down, and undisturbed, I'm fine.  When I remember this.  It is my flesh that is weak, and my human condition that is to fault.  Those times when I want something other than what I have... I become anxious.  It usually only takes a prayer, a scripture or a phone call for it to subside.  I'm very fortunate.  His peace, He DID give to me, Praise God!!!  I have it.

I loose sight sometimes.  We all do.  I am tremendously grateful for my life.  I am so blessed.  I've seen miracles, and not everyone can say this.  Jesus is my redeemer - and I have been redeemed.  I'm not who I was.  I'm not anything like -- who I was.  An I owe most all of it to Jesus.  The time around the tables of A.A. helped me accept who and what I was.  But Jesus fueled the whole fire.  Hallelujah!!

As we go through this difficult life in these days with little connection, and less and less sense of community - it is going to become more important to have a relationship with God.  I'm not talking religion -- I'm not religious.  At all.  I'm talking relationship.  Look back at my past (say two years ago) blogs - "Grace 101" and it explains as best I know how, to learn of what I speak.  Grace has completely set me free from condemnation, shame, and guilt that I carried for so many years.  And His name is Jesus.

Live life and see good days -- may the favor of God be upon you.  Grace an Peace to you all always-- that is my prayer... until next time,