Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Finding Freedom


"Being must be felt.  It cannot be thought."  Eckhart Tolle

Each and every one of us ...at some point in our lives reach a particular juncture in which the elements and or circumstances have risen to a point where we can no longer continue to cope.  It seems that we've pulled every coping rabbit out of our proverbial hat --- even used some that we didn't know that we had in us-- only to find... that life has more in store for us, yet and still.  Life seems to have just asked too much of us, and our brains cannot, in all good conceptual thinking skills, accept what is taking place.  Yet we must keep going forward despite our feelings, the depth at which we are hurting, feel as if we've totally emotionally as well as mentally collapsed.

My beloved Psychologist is leaving the center where I see him on Fridays.  I just learned of this information at the end of our last session.  This news was entirely unwanted.  I was not in anyway expecting it, however, it did not shock me.  I am though, the type of person that has worked long and hard to not "react" to situations or circumstances - things have an impact on me much later.  And boy did it ever.  I felt the impact of it of course when I was alone at home by myself.  Then it absolutely began to seem that so much trauma has piled up that my life was much akin a massive multiple car crash on any given highway.  Anger, that nasty resentment, and pure pessimism erupted my being.  This is odd for not often do I feel such things but I spewed it out to a few others in my angst - and this I hardly ever do.  I knew then, I'd reached an end.

As I laid crying, I ask God for help.

This is a monumental change for me.  I have rarely thought to ask God for help when I'm deeply hurt.  I have never really understood why - I've written about it - pondered it and deeply questioned my faith.  What I have understood is that it's fairly normal for us to retreat when in pain from God.  However, under this particular weight of life, I didn't.  I think I knew it was more than I could handle.  And matter of fact - it surely is.

I needed a miracle.

I had been scooting around the apartment Sunday - I wasn't able to go to church - I fell and hurt my hip Friday night.  I had been in so much pain, I could barely get around the house.  I happened to think that Super Soul Sunday on the OWN channel was on - which I adore.  I have gained so much insight from this program and the Master Class program -- it's amazing.  I wanted to use one of the images, however, I wouldn't like to get sued.  LOL.

At any rate, Eckhart Tolle was on.  I love his work.  I only caught about half of the program, however, it was enough.  Oprah and he were discussing his book "A New Earth".  I was so excited because I have this book.  Now, I am not advocating every concept that is in this book.  There are concepts that I will adhere to, and those I will not.  We learn in life to take what is needed and leave the rest.  It is a great lesson in life.  Now some will accept and some will not.  Some folks will be willing to take in new information, and others will not.  This is life - and how we perceive it.

So, I started reading... I have been trying to decipher in my mind how I can explain this in a nutshell.  What I discovered is that particularly pertaining to my Therapist, he is not mine.  He never was.  The moment we see something as ours - we identify with it.  It becomes a part of our identity.  It "enhances" our being, so to speak.  Now, this can be a car, a house, or a job.  From infancy - we are taught - "me", "mine",  and so forth, about things.  Just let someone take those things from us.  See what happens.  We learn from the beginning to identify with things as we do people.  I do it more so with people because of my childhood and the neglect that I experienced with my mother.  I will get more into this aspect later because we are not what we've gone through.  (Praise God!!!)

This was HUGE information to me.  I had identified myself with Doc.  Think about how we all identify ourselves with the "things" that we have.  How important "things" have become in this world.  It's insane.  Insatiable.  There's never enough... and this goes right back to the core of my shopping issues.  And so much more.  So much as been illuminated.  So many people could benefit from this book.

God gives us what we need.  He gives us what we need, exactly when we need it.  Whatever you may be needing may not come to you when you believe you need it - it will come in God's time.   I don't actually know but I propose that it might be because God know's no space or time.  Doctor - was never "mine".  He was with me for a season - just like everything else is a season in our lives.  He was on loan to me, for a while.  And I so grateful.  He has helped me immensely.  I will grieve.  It's just part of the process.  People will come and go, and I have to learn that they aren't mine.  As hard as this might be.  Feelings are a huge part of life - it is our guiding light.  How many of my clients have I told that to?  Counselor, take heed.



Thank you, Jesus.    




Thursday, October 12, 2017

Communication, Perception, and Surrender.



I believe in miracles.  The majority of those that read my writing know this - but if anyone happens to stumble across this and is new -- this is a true statement - for me.  I've witnessed several in my lifetime.  I just recently went through a seriously mentally and emotionally taxing ordeal with little sleep, as well as a gross miscommunication with someone who is dear to me.  I did not think that the period of insomnia would ever end, I was unable to sleep more than two hours per night for a horrifying two weeks.  I felt myself slipping into an odd mental and emotional state, one that I certainly did not like.  I had had a severely confusing interaction with my psychologist - partially brought on by communications from an outside source.  It was horrible going through this with no real rest, increased pain levels due to lack of sleep, and inability to clarify information with Doc until my appointment time.  I went an entire seven days - in the confused, unclear, and misunderstood communication headspace.  I'll say, it took its toll on me.  I felt the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for my Doctor - he has helped me find answers to questions that I have had my entire life.  Therefore, being in this crux with him was considerably unsettling.  My blood pressure was high, I experienced headaches and high anxiety.

Communication.  Such an easy word to roll off the tongue.  So multi-faceted.  How important it is in our lives, and how little attention we give it.  How bad things can get when it breaks down.  How many ways it can go awry.  This is what happened to me, and it was actually relatively a simple miscommunication, yet it completely riveted my life.  We rarely think of the ramifications of miscommunication until it damages our lives.  Until one feels its impact, there's little concern, there's little thought conceptually - of how much our lives are hung on whether or not communication works.

Perception is another concept that we give very little mental energy.  Yet, how we see our world completely colors our lives.  We often look through eyes of fear due to unresolved matters and it clouds everything we do.  This flavors every interaction we have, every thought we process, every decision we make.  How we view our world has everything to do with how we interact with it.  If we expect it to be hostile, we'll get what we expect.  Life just works that way -- because it's what we'll see.  It's the same concept as expecting positive experiences - what we look for is generally what we encounter.  Our thinking and our perception set us up to receive what we long for.  Perceptions in life albeit positive or negative -- are essential.

Perceptions can be changed, however.  If one will allow new information or new insight into mind.  There can often be a simple shift in thinking - to a mind-blowing intervention.  Perceptional shifts are awesome and can be so enlightening -- bringing a whole new and freshness to life.  It often feels like a springtime breeze of the mind, an awareness that is on another level.  It takes courage often and it takes an openness to learn.  Growth spurts usually involve a little fear mixed in with vulnerability.

My adventures over the last two months have been taxing.  Between finding out that my medication has aided in my compulsiveness -- of which has been owned by me and added to my list of defects despite the medications known side effects, has been enlightening.   However, I actually feel better knowing that the medication aided me in this horrifying shopping nightmare that I have been in.  I've known in my heart of hearts that I didn't use to be like this.  I wasn't always compulsive! I used to be really great with my finances - and could live off of nothing in college.  I have really felt like I was out of control and literally did not know how it happened.  Well, I guess now I know --- I had help.  This medication helped push me over that edge into being unable to control that irresistible urge.  So this particular part of my life feels much better and I'm actually coming off the medication and doing much better behaviorally.

I've since gone back to church at Midland.  There's a new preacher now.  I like him.  I'm excited to get back into church life again.  I have missed church a lot.

After the miscommunication from last week that was so devastating for me,  I am so filled with gratitude for my psychologist.  I was a wreck by the time I got to see him.  Not being able to sleep, thinking obsessively, and expecting the worst - really had me reeling.  I was just electric with nerves by the time my appointment came, even though I had been with Doc over a year, I was quite afraid.  I knew that I had to clarify the situation and straighten things out and try to find some sort of peace.  I just wasn't sure how I was going to do this.  Thank goodness, I just reached the place in my life where I can surrender and give it all to God when I completely am powerless.  I prayed a lot, surrendered, and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me.  I was so upset that I just didn't know if I could handle it.  So, I let God do it.

That was the miracle.

Everything went beautifully.  All of the issues that needed to be addressed were - and then some.  What was so awesome was that I really sensed that the Holy Spirit was with me.  It was one of the best sessions that we've had.  I left that appointment feeling better than I've ever felt.  I truly felt clean inside.  That may not make sense to some of you - but it will to others.  When you come from a shame-based family--- clean is the last thing you feel inside.  Broken is what you know.  Damaged is what you identify with.  It's not that you "make mistakes" - You are one.  That is what shame tells you.  Shame is extremely difficult to overcome.

I've been on this journey for 25+ years folks.  I'm nearing the end.  I felt and believed that I can achieve it at the end of last weeks session.  Shame can no longer keep it's residency here.  I am not who I was.


 Hallelujah!






Chemicals no longer needed.

  I agree with this wholeheartedly.   I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....