I feel inspired - and I haven't written in quite some time so I want to share with those of you that stop by - an anyone new that may happen to stumble onto my words. I have actually been through so much it is difficult to even know where to start and what to share. With the mind that I have, the one that hardly ever rests or takes a break - the thoughts usually tumble out pretty much on their own so we'll just see where the path takes us. I truly hope that this finds everyone well, of sound mind, content of heart, and living a life of your choosing.
I have been on one hell of a journey as of late with a multitude of things to surmount. I have been attempting as best I know how to heal from an experience that I never in a million years would have ever imagined would have happened in my life. It's some of the deepest emotional pain that I think I have ever encountered, and I am still on a healings way. Thank God, however, I can now finally begin to see the top of the water - and I am coming towards the surface. I'm almost to the end of this horrific batch of experiences that for reason unbeknownst fully to me I have gone through.
I like to think of myself as a tad bit of a wordsmith -- yet an I find difficulty summoning the vocabulary to express what I have endured. I want to share because I always have the hope that just maybe my experience frees someone a little, helps them understand, or lightens their load -- or simply allows one to feel less alone or separate in this big world. It's the whole aim in why I share my life. This isn't about me folks - I am certainly no one special. It's my hope I extend. I know that the hope I hold is extraordinary, because of God. I wish to give of this.
We all go through passages, rough spots, seasons and trials -- etc. that we don't understand, and cannot make sense of. What I have just been through was something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams. It actually should have never happened - from an ethical standpoint. One never imagines being hurt by those that are designed to heal. Let me tell you when it happens - it's shocking, and if you had the circumstances I did - the pain will rip you to your core. As I sit here now in hindsight - I'm not really sure how I got through it without becoming suicidal. Oh, don't get me wrong I did not particularly care if I lived or died -- but I didn't reach the planning of my demise stage. This is different for me. I'm grateful - ever grateful. I did, however, loose copious amounts of all forms of trust. The process in which had, on one hand, helped me heal - in turn, walked away without word one --- and in so doing, ripped my heart out.
I felt the emotional and mental anguish of every last morsel of it too. No closure of any kind. As my guts (sorry) lay outside my body - my heart removed, and I wasn't given any kind of explanation - even when I begged for answers. Given no replacement - well with exception of someone I had already had contact with - but it was not what I needed. I wasn't asked what I needed.
Anyways, I don't want to get stuck on that -- just to fill in the gaps. I also Oh my goodness --- and this was excruciating... had an insurance issue around the first of the new year and could not get some medication that I have to have. I have shared that I have and live with chronic pain. Well, I was forced to go through full-fledged withdrawal from my pain meds. I thought before it was over- it was a horrifying 5 days of sheer hell on earth - I was going to lose my mind. Having to deal with the symptoms of the withdrawal itself from the meds was bad enough - but I had not experienced the full-blown pain that I have in over six years I think, and the neuropathy in my legs has gotten so out of control. It was a living nightmare. I don't know that I have ever been so grateful for my medication. I was able to get to the clinic earlier than I was scheduled - thank God - because I had already been to the ER three times and they literally did NOTHING. No compassion, what so ever. This country, people have abused medication so badly --- and this angers me so ---- that someone with my medical issues cannot even get treatment. It appalling!!! So I'm sorry to say but I ended up going the natural route --- I don't even care - I had to do something or I was going to go insane. I laid and writhed in agony for 5 days with pain levels of 12+ and it would have been utterly unbearable for the average person my pain tolerance is extraordinary. I couldn't handle it. NOR should I have had to.
SO, my friends, I have had a quite lovely time lately. Alas, I've grown. Yet - still - I AM stronger.
So these things, this rift in my existence has been well, it is so hard to even utter. I pushed God away --- you know like we do when we really need Him. OH, I would talk to Him here and there- and He is always in my heart. Always. He is and will always reside in my being. I just stopped doing the things which draw me near Him, strengthen my faith, and help hold me up. And this is so mystifying to me. I abandon Him when I need Him the most. I guess it was the breach of the trust I went through -- I am not completely certain. I thought I had gotten a bit better at this, however, eventually not. But you know -- I don't know how anyone could have dealt with abandonment so brutal like I went through and did anything different. I'm being completely forthright when I say that event almost broke my spirit. If I had given in --- I would not be here right now. Oh, I have messed up - and I'm still not on the right path -- but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing the best that I can do with what I have been through. And I am not ashamed. I refuse to feel bad for the coping measures that I have used. I should have NEVER been put through the ravages of emotional turmoil that I endured.
Anyways, I am getting better each and every day and I will rise up and I will utilize each and every last ounce of pain, trauma, grief, betrayal for my strength to become the woman that God designed me to be. Goodness forgive the grammatical mistakes there folks. LOL It sounded good in my head!!!
I am crying less and less. I am processing information better. I am feeling less burdened and happier again. The emotional load has lightened. I am talking to God/Jesus again. I am finally beginning to let go of the thing that haunts me the most--- and that's the need for information. See, I have such an analytical "need to understand" mind. It's not so much a matter of why - I know this doesn't solve or really change anything. I also get that understanding does not bring peace. I still get stuck in wanting information. This time no one is saying anything. This is also where my faith has got to come in. God's ways are not my ways. His understanding is beyond my comprehension. The only choice I have really been given is to accept. But let me tell you now --- this one was and is -- really hard to swallow. I am a creature who screams for a deep need for justice in my life, and the people I love. My father began telling me at a very young age, "life isn't fair." He tried his absolute best... but I'd say, "Awe dad!" I had a hard time with it. Treatment helped and A.A. brought it home. I get it now.
I apologize this has gotten so long. I have got a nice ending though!! I appreciate those of you that read all the way to the end more than you know. This blog, and my contributions to Quora - are what I can do with what I have to offer right now. At least in all humility - I offer what I do have and that is my experience.
We can and we do heal. It does not happen by accident, however. It takes work. It takes focused, persistent, determined, raw, courage. Sometimes it will seem like it is bigger than you - depending on what you have encountered, or lived through. Do not let fear lie to you. Fear is a liar. We cannot and must not believe all of our own thoughts. We mustn't. Depending upon your path -- chances are you're going to need a higher power, something outside yourself of a spiritual nature that is much, much, more powerful than you are. Also, you will want to have a good relationship with that power. I really don't know of anyone that has ever been able to achieve true lasting change without it. I've worked with many, many people when I was counseling. It is just imperative that we believe in something (and not another human) outside of ourselves. You all know that for me it is Jesus. I am not religious, at all - I have a relationship with Him. I make mistakes every day -- but He knew it before I did it. His compassion is beyond our comprehension.
I feel hopeful right now and I am so grateful I have this outlet. I pray something I share motivates or strengthens at least one person. That is my prayer.
Please if you will - listen to this song. God gave it to me today. It's amazing. I was so ecstatic to share it with you guys. I found so much hope in it. I hope you do as well. Thank you again, for reading my words. Be blessed beyond measure until we meet again. Please remember - when you're at your most devastated, you are so close to healing. Never give up. Never! There are always options if we seek them out. Humans are survivalists. Your darkest day is right before the dawn.
God Bless!
I love it SO MUCH!!!
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