My Father raised me to believe in people and to be kind. Dad was one of the easy going people I guess I've ever met, I don't recall his ever saying a bad thing about anyone. Now he could stand his own if something were to happen to me or the boys - like a man should, he just didn't believe in talking about people behind their backs. To him it just wasn't something that you did. Daddy was one of the most honorable men that I have ever known to date. I learned so much vast knowledge from my pop -- he didn't complain no matter what had to be done, what broke-down, all the crap that mom put him through. He truly was the epitome of patience, tolerance, and tenacity. I will never forget his telling, "honey, life isn't fair", to which I'd just giggle, at the mere age of 4 or 5 and espouse -- awe Daddy! I did hear him though - I heard and depended upon every word that man uttered to me.
Most that read my writing know that I'm basically out here (as most of us are) doing this life thing by the seat of my pants. No real family and pretty much zilch for support with exception for the ones that are paid to do so. I find this appalling. It doesn't exactly make for the grandest of feelings of self-worth. The copious amounts of time that I spend alone just further validate what seems to be true in the first place. I know that this has to be extremely hard for those who have no outlets like I do-- or have coping skills to get the duct tape out and hold the head on -- when it just feels like all of the thoughts (and feelings) dare blow your mind/head right off your chest. Loneliness is no joke.
Well mine has placed me in some pretty messed up situations - dangerous ones at that. Mostly because when you have no human contact - ANY seems do-able. Even when the stakes are enormously HIGH, and every fiber of your being is screaming "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" Why would someone do such a thing? I'll tell you why - because after being alone for days, months, years - when you do finally get an invitation.... you jump at it with glee. Coming from my background of not mattering, or being good enough -- someone wanting me to go with them? Well dang - it feels pretty good, and you override all the flaming red flags - to be able to feel wanted. All caution is thrown into the wind because I truly think us incapable on some level--- to even be able to say "NO." This is the part that people who judge us will never understand -- with families, husbands, boyfriends - friends --- full lives -- they had choices. I suppose if I were going to put it in metaphorical terms it's like that last piece of your favorite candy -- like you're not going to do everything in your power to get to it, and consume it regardless of what other people think.
Old coping mechanisms die hard, and some never die - they just lay in wait --- gaining strength as you struggle... waiting silently until it knows the perfect time to begin it's speaking death to you. It's an odd malady -- the disease of addiction/alcoholism has so much influence on the mind of the addict. It can be so powerful, you begin the believe they're your own thoughts. It takes great examination to be able to decipher between it and your real thought. Most people aren't aware really that the disease wants nothing more that you dead. This is the reason that it propels you so -- to use, and use, and use -- over and over --- because for goodness sake no matter how hard an fast you chase it -- there is just simply never a cutting off place, and NEVER ENOUGH. In reality -- enough equals death.
I'm so enormously grateful and thankful to God for the knowledge that I have about this disease. It doesn't make me any better, less apt to relapse -- because knowledge alone in no defense against this demon. You can know all day you have a problem and still keep pushing that truth way down with drugs. Alcohol is especially bad - the denial mechanism is the worst.
I'm in a rough spot right now - I crossed paths with a predator. He basically destroyed my life in a manner of two days. Money gone - car stolen, no phone, he rendered me basically powerless - and I've been like this for going on three weeks. It took 4-5 calls to the police to get them to actually believe me. He's in custody now and things are progressing - but man talk about people shuning you when something happens? No one person will do anything for me -- like this was all my fault. I can't say I can comprehend that kind of dysfunctional cognition. Even what family I do have decided to talk to the police instead of me. How very sad.
I will keep you posted as I can -- I have to figure out how to pay my bills according to how long it takes to get my account together. Maybe no one really cares - and I'm writing for no reason but my own, but it's not my intent. Just please be careful in this world --- it's full of vile, vile, predators - and if you are a kind person like me-- it's always open season--- and your Bambi.
All will be well, because I believe that what man uses for evil, God will use for good. My faith grows stronger each and every day. I do not harbor ill feelings for this man --- I've seen inside his heart - or what heart there is left. I pray for him, and the enormity of the pain he is going to have to overcome-- that is if he so chooses. I realize the things that he did, weren't personal. I'm a big enough woman to not own that. I think the most difficult piece is when humans hurt other humans because they can. Being who I am, this I'll never comprehend. I just don't want to - I don't have it in me. I am real grateful for that and these facts I know to be truths about who Gina is. The peace that I feel does not belong to anyone, circumstance, or thing outside myself in this world. That right there? Is priceless. I'm strong, I'm loved, I"m favored, and I will rise again. Praise my Father in heaven, Jesus Christ. He loves me even when I (and I do it daily) miss the mark.
God Bless you and keep you all --- until next time.
This video --- should he find it, is for Anthony.