Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Layers

I've been in much thought about my childhood as of late.  Not a subject that I particularly enjoy - but one that must be endured, especially as I work thru this current addictive process that I an incurring.  I gave up my credit cards - only to open up another charge account.  I'm not certain what I was thinking.  Oh I know what I was thinking - I want a new coffee table and a new rug for my new apartment - but how ridiculous?  It is so sneaky and pervasive.  I lie to myself - the denial is so strong.  I don't want to be accountable - and I want to have what I want, when I want it.   I want the control.  And that is it.  Control.

My recent session with my therapist was about the feelings associated with where I am at with my mom.  She's past now and I've not shed a single tear.  I know that this isn't normal.  However, I'm so conflicted.  I do miss her, but not the relationship that we had.  We had no relationship.  It was a facade.  A superficial facade.  This feels very sad and there are so many times when I am saddened because I did not have a real relationship with my mother.  This is compounded with multiple feelings.  Sadness, anger, rage - feelings of nothingness --- inadequacy, defectiveness, and shame.  Please know that my transparency - and the reasoning behind it is in the hope against hope that someone somewhere might be enlightened by my honesty.  There has to be others out there that had mother's like mine.  I know that there are because I've read about them at Psychology Today's website.  I've read other blogs about it and the comments.  I know that I'm not the only one.

My mother was evil.  So evil in fact that I've blocked out pretty much the entirety of my childhood.  I cannot remember hardly anything.  People share about "when I was 6"..... and I just sit there...astonished at how they can recall the information.  I remember hiding in closets, and under this huge claw footed dining room table that we had with a big table cloth on it.  I'd hide for hours on end.  I did not matter anyway - and I was invisible in my family.  My words did not matter, I had no voice. My presence did not matter - all I do remember was getting into trouble or being criticized by my mother, so why not hide?  It felt safer.  Safer than always being afraid.  Fear was all that I knew.  I was either being beaten up by my brothers, or yelled at by my mom.

Now this isn't the way that my brothers would tell it.  No, they saw a whole different life for me.  They believed that I was spoiled rotten.  It may have looked that way, but it didn't feel that way.  I don't know if either of them have ever read my blog (I doubt it) but I'd be surprised if they had.... my eldest brother hates me.  I'm not sure as to why.  He actually doesn't even know me.  I have cousin's and nieces that I have no contact with.  Quite dysfunctional.  What I did, I do not know.  Speak?  Try and be a person?  That must be it.  For I've never had a voice, and it was preferred.

At any rate - my addictive behaviors all stem from the family of origins.  I'm trying to heal.  Addiction is a pervasive illness.  It stems from a feeling of emptiness.  A void.  A lack.  What I like to call "The Black Whole."  It's shucked many people and many things into it, and they don't come back out.  It's wreaked havoc in my life for many a year.  It morphs and changes to suit the timing in my life.  I praise God that it's not drugs and alcohol now, but it's still got control of me, nonetheless.  It still wants fed.  It reminds me of a line from the movie, 'The Never Ending Story',  "Those who have no hope are easily controlled."  Yet I have hope.  At least I think I do.  Perhaps a part of me has given up because of the difficulty that I have in trusting.  It even affects my relationship  with God.  I really have a great deal of distain in saying/admitting this.  How does a person learn to trust when they couldn't trust one of the most important people in their lives???  An my father wasn't much help.  He did not protect me either.  My mother was in control.  Definitely.  She wore the pants in the family.  Sadly I say.

Somehow this will work itself out.  I did give up my cards - even if I did open up a line of credit - I only charged a small amount.  I don't have any intentions of charging more.  I know that I have to get this under control.  I work on trusting God everyday - and I don't even know if it's a lack of trust of God - or it's just lack of trust of myself.  I'm in some kind of process - and I'm not even sure what it is.

Things are going well, I've friends now at least.  My new home is wonderful, and I'm in church.  I actually had weekend plans last week.  People are coming to visit.  I have one friend I can see right now is only out for themselves - and I have got to axe that.  But things are going well, and I have goals.  I'm going to try and volunteer at the place where I go to therapy.  I'm going to go today.  I know that I will feel a lot better if I'm useful.

God will help me heal.  I've prayed for healing - and He will help me heal.  Writing helps.  Hope helps.  Being and getting in touch with my feelings associated with it, helps.  God will guide my steps.  This I do trust.  I know that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  I believe, and I have faith that God helps me daily make better choices than I made the day before.  God is healing me where I don't have the answers.  I cannot undo what she did or didn't do.  Only God can do this.  I cannot make a relationship where there was none.  Only God can do this.  He will guide my steps and  heal my heart - like only God can do.  I have to just hold on, keep believing, and have faith.  Healing takes time, and I deserve it.  This is the hardest part to believe - that I matter, but I do.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Surrendering Out Loud

Anxiety.  In a word - it's fear.  Fear amped up.  I feel this more today that what I'd like, more as of late than I usually do.  Mostly it's because I have to give something that I truly enjoy -- up.   I have to give something up that I will still have to continue to do ----in a controlled fashion.   Having to do things that you are addicted to in a different way is damn hard.  I suppose it's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling today... sort of lost and out of sorts.  I really don't know where to begin to attempt to surrender this.  It isn't as if I've not been here before, because I have- with food, alcohol, drugs, and other negative behaviors.  Yet this sure feels different.  I'm not certain as to why.  The feelings of powerlessness are just difficult - I don't care how one slices it.  Powerlessness feels like defeat, like weakness, like the end of the line, and void of choices.  I just wonder how much of that vein of thought is my disease talking... because it doesn't want to let go?

Some folks don't believe in addiction as a disease.  In reality dis-ease is a state of being.  A person certainly isn't at ease when under the spell of alcohol or drugs...... or whatever "it" may be.  Professionals such as myself are taught that alcoholism and addiction is a disease because it's a progressive disorder that eventually leads to death if there is no intervention.  There's actually five precise elements - five markers or factors that have to be met in order to be diagnosed just like a person with an emotional disorder or personality disorder in the DSM ---whatever level they are on now.  (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual)  There's a difference between abuse of chemicals, and addiction.  People throw these words around a lot and do not really know what they are stating medically, but it's understandable.  That is not what this blog is about.  However calling addiction a disease is not and does not let the addict or alcoholic off the hook, by any means.  He or she is still responsible for their recovery.  Just as I was, and am.  This shopping addiction has gotten me into one hell of a state financially.  I'm dealing with the consequences as I sit at the keyboard today.  It's not  pretty.  It's quite depressing, as well as devastating.

I've felt this coming on, this conglomeration of feelings - this process that I'm going through.  The only way that I know I can stop continuing to charge is by giving up these cards.  I've just got to do it.  There is no other way around it.  I am powerless.  The hard part for me is that I judge myself for it, and the crazy old tapes from my mother kick in - and I have all sorts of negative self blaming and judgement.  I don't need this.  I never needed that - I especially don't need it now.  This is hard enough.  If I could or knew how --- I'd erase everything that woman ever said that was negative to me.  That would be a tall order but at some point in my life, I've got to let it go, and heal from it.  I just wish upon wishing, I knew how.  No one knows how hard I've worked to rid myself of my past.  Grace has relieved a great deal of the shame, guilt, and intense anger that I once had towards my mother but I'm not completely free from the damage.  I praise God that I cannot remember most of my childhood - so that I don't have more to deal with than I do - because what I have is enough.  More than enough.  But apologetically - I digress.

I know in my mind logically that surrender is about winning.  I stand at the edge.  It's really the worst place to be, vacillating, having difficulty making any decision because of this horrible feeling of powerlessness.  I've got to make a decision.  Not making one is making me feel ill.  It's times like these that I think we ask ourselves, "how did I get here?"  It's a rhetorical question.  I'm smarter than this - but addiction has nothing to do with intelligence.  Most addicts are quite smart - quite ingenious actually.  But anyway -  part of my problem is that I'm trying to do this alone, and I need God's help.  More now than ever - I need His guidance, strength, and direction.  I cannot do this alone.  My intellect is my greatest weakness... and it's when I don't think about God.  Actually there isn't much to think about - I know what I need to do.  I've been stalling out of my own unwillingness.  Hoping there was another way.  However, there is not.  I know this.  Jesus will see me through.  He always has.  He always will.  I've certainly been through worse.

No matter what you  are struggling with today - as you see - we all struggle.  I am an addictive type of personality.  It has morphed into shopping now for me - and I have done some damage.  It's (Thank God) nothing that can't be corrected - with some discipline and tough choices, but I'll be okay.   We aren't  perfect people.  We're all flawed.  Some folks like to make you think that they're perfect, but somewhere they've got things they don't tell anyone stowed away as well.  It's human nature.  It's ok.  This is why we need a power greater than ourselves for strength, and hope.  Mine is Jesus.  I got lost in the problem for a second, as we do.  He understands how we are.  My independence is a character defect of mine.  Thank goodness I know it.

Father God, forgive me for getting lost in my own mind and forgetting that You're my greatest problem solver.  Thank you Father that you know what lies ahead and have already made a way where there was none.  Help me Father to stay centered in You and at peace during this time in my life as I face my financial consequences of my actions - for I know that You can do for me what I cannot do for myself.  Help me always be mindful of You, allow me to be able to bless others Father, as it be Your will.  Be with me and those that I love today and always, keep us safe - thank You Jesus -- in Jesus holy name, Amen.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Elements of Change.

As much as I welcome change in some areas of my life - there are those certain elements that I just want to fight with everything in me.  I've known for months that this change had/has to come about, however I'm having a great deal of difficulty surrendering to it.  Despite the fact that it has reeked havoc in my life, the consequences are great ---I just do not want to have to do this work.  It isn't that I cannot overcome this - because I know that I'm capable.  The fact of the matter is..... I don't want to, and I suppose if truth be told, I'm struggling with willingness.  This is really insane, and it's multilayered with emotions, behavior, as well as full well knowing that my life is not going to get better if I do not submit to how powerless I truly am with this mixed mass of issues.

Change is hard, no matter how we approach it.  Some people resolve themselves to never change - and man, am I grateful that I'm not one of them.  Depending upon the type of change -- it can be life altering.  Of course, much of it (as with most things in life) depends upon how we process it in our minds.  It depends upon how hard we fight it, what beliefs we have about it, and what we expect of the outcome.  This is true of everything.  Our own unique perception plays such a huge part.  Still knowing this, life can yet throw us curveballs.  I tend to believe that our intuition will warn us of possible roadblocks -- but sometimes we are taken off guard.  We as humans can't possibly be mindful of everything that could possibly go wrong.  With that said, therein lies the vulnerability of change.

People, especially friends, family, loved ones, and non-addictive types of folks often judge those of us that have lost control of chemicals (including alcohol, money, sex, etc.) so harshly --- because they just do not understand and cannot place themselves in the addicted person's shoes.   I'm a strong believer of "We fear what we do not understand."  Fear isn't an emotion that most folks are comfortable with either!  We mask it (just like emotional pain) as all sorts of other things - rage is easier, resentment is easier ...and so much more powerful as is anger.  Oft times anger and depression is unreleased grief and pain.  It amazes me how so much of the time, we'll forgo the root of the emotional distress for something else ( and sometimes it's like autopilot ) because what was allowed in our childhoods.  Most of the time, we're not even aware that we do it.  Talk about confusing - and destructive in relationships... the expressed emotions aren't even what's really going on with the person.  There can be no resolution!

I'm immensely grateful as I write this that I have done the work, and that I know myself.  Oh, please I'm far from being perfect at it - I still get scared at times.  Emotional work is hard, I don't care how you slice it because it is a risk.  The longer time goes on and we hide behind technology.... the less real we have to be (just my opinion.)  I'm blessed to have the few people that I have in my life that are genuine, know themselves, and aren't afraid to be real.  This is precious in this day and time.

I have to give up my credit cards.  This is where all of the above thought process came from.  It is not going to be easy.... because I spend/shop addictively.  I do it for a myriad of reasons - but it gives me the same "high", regardless.  In all honesty, I don't want to do this.... but I know that I have to.  It feels scary.  It feels unfair.  I'm not certain how it's unfair, other than I really like and enjoy it.  I know in my heart of hearts that it has to be done.  I will never get ahead if I don't.  I want a bright future, the way that things are going - this is not going to happen if I don't get this under control now.  As with anything that's done addictively - it's a dual edged sword.  It's all good when I'm purchasing the things that I want - but it doesn't take long at all for the remorse to set in.  I'm tired of the mass of feelings that go with it.  I'm tired of trying to justify it, (there just isn't any anymore) and the consequences are quite much.  I know too,  I am healthier than this, and smarter than this.  I just allow myself to get caught up in the moment or more like it "the lie."

Thursday is probably going to be "D" day for  me.  I see my therapist and it's already been discussed. I'm not certain how I feel inside (there is a conglomerate of emotions) however, seems like most of it is sadness and fear.  That may sound silly to some of you - but if you haven't been there ------don't judge.  I know that God has got me and I'll be okay.  Of this I'm sure.  Thank you Jesus.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

God is so good.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks since moving in, we've gotten through almost all of the boxes - my oh my how much stuff a person accumulates in a few years time.  I got nicknacks that I don't know what to do with, and don't want to discard, everywhere.  I had almost unlimited shelf space at the other apartment, thus creating lots of collecting of trinkets - and now that I've downsized, there just isn't a place to set them.  Oh well, I've got storage this time round, and I suppose that is where they'll land.  It's just that sometimes it's hard to part with the things that you love, especially the things that your used to seeing everyday...even if it is just to put them away for a while.  I'm a sentimental old fool I suppose - things remind me of events and people, and I like this.  I'm fully aware that people take priority over things, but for me they are connected at least in this life.

I'm going through medical stuff again, appointments and such.  I just found out yesterday that my thyroid is off.  Great... another medication.  More side affects.  I'm up now, after not sleeping - laying there thinking from 9:00 p.m (when I went to bed) and finally frustrated I got up at midnight.  This is a lovely side affect of the new med, no sleep.  However, it makes sense, because I've been horribly fatigued.  I just thought it was my fibromyalgia.  I'd went in last week almost in tears with this move asking for a B12 shot because I was so tired.  Life eh?  So we'll see what happens now.

I wanted to write because I've been so blessed this month.  I don't know how I'd of made it if it hadn't of been for the people in my life.  The thing is that it all happened so casually and so effortlessly.  I've been without money pretty much since the month began.  Attempting to pay the bills that I have and get by on my income is almost impossible.  I've had no extra - period in the last few months since I have not been able to work -- especially with that high rent that I was paying.  My money would hit, and as soon as I paid my bills,  I had little if no money left for food, gas, or anything else.  God has just always provided throughout the month somehow - be it credit cards or other sources.  But this month - in the last few days it's been friends.   I am so grateful for this.  I found myself with little food for the last few days of the month and God provided.  I knew that I would make it, I could find something to eat - it wouldn't be what I wanted to eat - but still, Id eat.  But I was blessed.  Gas money - food money, and more.  It's amazing to watch God work right in front of your eyes like this.  It humbles my heart.  I'm no one special - but He loves me still.  He loves me a lot and I know this, I know this because of His Word - and because of my life.  It isn't a life that one can really say is overly successful - but hey- I'm alive, I'm not throwing 6-7 pills down my throat 3-4 times a day anymore, I don't drink daily - and I'm not a bitter, angry, resentful wreck of a human being.  There's something to be said for this.  I could be.  But I'm not.  I cannot say that I love myself yet (that's going to take more work) but I do like who Gina is.  Believe it or not that took a tremendous amount of work to be able to say that, and mean it.  The amazing thing is that I know  peace today.  A peace that I've never known.  Peace from the grace of God.  That's already in my blog (earlier posts)....but I can't ever speak about it enough, it is so precious to me.

I do have a conundrum.  I don't recall if I ever mentioned that I was feeding a small brood of cats at my other apartment.  I cannot even remember how this started really.  I believe it began with a mother and her kittens.  I call her "Momma", she's a very sweet Calico that I of course felt for and began feeding a few years back, and it turned in to what is now 7 cats strong.  I'm still going back over there and feeding them.  I'm at a loss as to what to do with them.  They had became like my little family - and now I don't know what to do with them.  They are dependent upon me, and my landlord's wife is pretty adamant that the will starve if I don't continue to feed them.  Two of the males are pretty docile - and I believe at one point they have been  inside cats.  They used to run inside my apartment when I opened the door to feed them, and I know Momma cat had been inside before.  I'm 12 days out  and haven't a clue what to do for these felines.  They need a country home.  There are two of Momma's babies that are kind of wild, no one can touch them but me - and they all come running when I pull up.  I wish I knew what to do - from what I understand no kill shelters won't take ferrel cats.  At least that is what I've been told.  I'm going to pray about it.  God will answer my prayers.

I look forward to being better off financially - and getting my credit back on track.  I know that I can do this - I know I can.  It's interesting - it feels different in this new  space.  I don't feel as depressed - I don't know if it because everything is so new or what but it definitely has a different feel.  I'm so glad of that.  It feels like a new beginning in my life.  I'm all about new beginnings - and new chapters.  Praise God!  So far I've been so blessed -- I know it and I feel it and I thank God for it.  All I really want out of life at this point is for God to bless me so I can bless someone else, this has always been my prayer.  I don't care about grand schemes or big dreams, that's just not me.  Let me loose in nature, and let me help someone - that's the kind of stuff that makes me happy.  Cooking for people that I love.  Seeing the smiles on their faces  and hearing their "yums".  It's really simple for me.  Yes I think about complex things at times, but I will always be a simple girl.

Thank you, all of you that read my posts.  It gladdens my heart.  It is for you that I write.  I just hope on some level I inspire.  This is my aim.  May God bless you richly - and heartily, and answer your prayers as He does mine.  Life is not random.  Take television and news-stories with a grain of salt - remember heartwarming, God filled things don't make front page news.  God is mostly suppressed in the media.  Remember that.  It's really easy to get caught up in worldly stuff.  It's really depressing.  God understands, but He can't hardly reach you there.  It's too noisy.  Try and sit quietly once in a while and see what He has to say.  This is the other part of prayers and meditation.  Quiet.  How else can He (or the holy spirit) speak to you?  We need quite time.  I hope you can find some.  It's the pathway to peace... precious peace.

God Bless you until next time.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hello and welcome to my new home!!!

Hello!!!! I apologize for taking such a long hiatus from writing!  Much has transpired.  Obviously I am now in a new home.  A miracle has taken place...a much prayed for miracle.  Despite my failings, (and I fail daily) God in is ineffable mercy has blessed me beyond measure.  I am in a brand new apartment - with much lower rent.  It will take a little time, but financially things will be much, much, better.

I have been ill.  My right kidney and my liver has some spots on it... and I'm getting that checked out but I had a few months of mind-blowing pain.  I had great difficulty with the medical community - and I find that many other's at this time are having problems with medical things also.... so at least I don't feel alone.  I had one physician never call about the results of a test that he ordered... which to me is just unacceptable.  I find our medical community is really substandard at best these days.  They want high dollar, but don't give the same in service.  Anyway.....that's been my experience as of late.

I've returned to Midland church, which is home.  It feels great to be worshiping again.  I really don't know why I ever stopped other than I needed to process the loss of Pastor.  I'm in a much better place with that than I've ever been.  Loosing someone that means so much to you - deserves time.  Give yourself what you need in life.

I have a new therapist.  I am still working my way to break free from my past.  I just want those of you that do follow my blog to know that I'm not going to do this the rest of my life.  It seems that the affects of the relationship that I had with my Mother is the taproot of a great deal of my "self-talk".  I am still in process of learning how to nurture myself - and it's not been the easiest of ventures.  I have a therapist now that nails me when I say derogatory things about myself or pertaining to myself, he just won't allow me to do it.  Oft times, I do not even know I'm speaking negatively, it's so ingrained into my psyche.  When all you've heard growing up is how stupid you are, it tends to stick.  Most of what damaged me in the dealings with my mother were her behaviors.  I was a very sensitive child, probably too much so.  I did not need punishment many times, because I would cry when she looked at me.  I "felt" her disappointment and disapproval.  I think sometimes that is worse than the latter.  I felt every bit of disgruntled feelings she had towards me, and I knew at a very young age that she did not love me.  I have a highly developed intuition.  I did even as a child.  I sensed things about people, who was safe and who was not.  I believe this is why I cannot remember - my brain protected me.  I am highly grateful.  There was a time that I tried to recall, I was hypnotized twice in college trying to recall my childhood - but it was unsuccessful both times.  I thank God for that.

I am currently working on understanding my limits with pain.  I have a tendency to over do  - and then suffer the consequences.  This is unhealthy.  I think to some degree I am not accepting my disability.  I mean who would want to?  It takes guts to admit ways in which you are vulnerable in any circumstance.  I thought I had the ability to be vulnerable - but I suppose there are always levels in which we don't want to go and this is one for me.  It makes me feel weak, and powerless.  As many  opportunities as I've had to experience powerlessness, one would think that I'd be used to it by now - but I'm just not.  It's not a comfortable feeling, I don't think for anyone.  Knowing that you are or have reached your limit and there is nothing further that you can do -- most of the time just feels helpless, and who on earth wants to feel that?  It feels lazy at times, and I'm far from lazy.  I suppose it has all sorts of connotations that aren't necessarily positive and this is hard.  I'm working on trying to be gentle with myself, and honor my body.  It's a work in progress.

The loneliness has finally abated for now.  I've had two rather large shopping spree's.  That's what I do when I feel totally alone in this world.  Alone, bored, and itching for something, someone, or some feeling to fill that huge void.  You all know what I'm talking about - that place where the grass is always greener, dropping everything and just getting in the car to destinations unknown?  That place where everything would be alright if we could just walk away from our troubles.  Well, when I shop - I go to that very place.  It's new, bright, shinny, and has nothing to do with now.  When I order online - I have something to look forward to, and when I get to go to a store, I'm lost in the moment (which sometimes last hours)... and then when I get the purchases home, I carry the feeling through because I have new things.  It's a straight up addiction for me.  I go into a kind of mode, my heart races, and my thinking changes.  I'm aware, but I don't want to be - and I don't listen to the opposing voice of reason.  I know that the voice of reason for me is the holy spirit.  I'm always sorry that I did not listen.  Especially because I know that it is the holy spirit, because it is trying to protect me.  Always to protect, guide, and instruct, and uphold truth.

I've been so busy lately with the move and all but I've gotten back into reading my Bible again.  For me, reading scriptures brings me back to my days with Pastor Paul - and the truth about my Jesus.  I love the living word and how it speaks to me.  I love how God will help me find passages that touch my heart and feed my soul right when I need them.  God is so amazing like that.  It blows my mind that I am still learning from the four years that I studied under Pastor Paul.  How blessed I am to have had his teaching for the time that I did.  It is just beyond words.  I will be grateful the rest of my life for that time at Midland.  It was truly a gift from God.

This apartment is a gift from God.  I've got a lot of things going on.... but alas, everything will work out.  I'm getting on a budget to try and fix this mess I've made - and I will do it with God's help.  I've got appointments to find out what these spots are on my kidneys and liver (scary) but it will all work out.  I have no doubt that God's got me.  I'm not going to work for awhile unless this really neat thing that's in the works - comes through - and I'm going to focus on some volunteer work.  I love doing volunteer work.  It's so rewarding, and the relationships that you make are extraordinary.  I might work with children this time.  I'm not certain just yet.

Whatever comes next will be a blessing.  This is my hope for you too.  That what ever you are dealing with that you have someone or something in you life that brings you joy.  This world is hard enough.  We need joy.  We need peace.  Most of all we need something or someone that we can call on outside of ourselves that is bigger than we are for our hope.  For me this is Christ.  It can be anything you need it to be.  However it's important that we believe in something or else life just gets to be too much.  I hope you have that.  I don't know what I'd do without God.  Being such an addictive type person - I believe I'd be deceased already.  Especially with both my parents being gone.  It's almost impossible out here alone.

So I wish you hope, peace, and health.  I hope you come back and join me.  We're all in this together - Grace, Peace, and many blessings from my new home!!!    


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Blessings beyond the pain.

It's been quite awhile since I've written.  Many things have transpired.  My stent has been removed from my kidney - and there's some post pain - but nothing like I've had.  I thing all together I had six ER visits throughout the ordeal.  Plus, my boss politely, (and I say that kindly) as I got my nails done, let me go...stating that I just wasn't able to do the job.  This was a total switch from his telling me to completely heal 100% prior to returning to work, as though he was actually concerned for my wellbeing.  I'd went in to retrieve my very small pay, and get my nails done - and although my nail services had been being free..... he charged me, leaving me with a whopping $12.00.  How kind of him.....  I was really shocked, and somewhat dismayed.  I suppose - such is life.  So here I am, on the mend with no employment and so little money it is actually funny.  Yet, I'm feeling so much better emotionally - I have faith that everything will be just dandy.

I've made a new male friend that I don't believe that I've mentioned - and he has been a godsend.  Sort of like the brother I never had, only much better - he's been there when no one else has - and most definitely shown me that he is a tried and true friend.  He's waited hours for me at the emergency room, actually took me to surgery - and brought me home, and all with brilliant valor.  He's a friend like I've not had in quite sometime - and I adore him for his character and integrity.  God works in mysterious ways..... His wonders never cease.  I am so grateful for this relationship - I cannot even put it into words.  He does what he does purely out of the goodness of his heart.  He's helped me restore faith in mankind.  God knew.....

I've also reconnected with someone that I never thought that I would - which I once loved with all of my heart.  It's a story like no other and it seems like for whatever reason that it's now not at it's end.  Now whether or not this goes no further than a strong friendship or becomes something more -- I am deeply pleased.  I thought that I'd lost all contact with this man, forever.  Matter of fact the things that I "thought" -- as per my sometimes dysfunctional thinking do not serve me well.  However, I am learning.  Praise God!!!  I am captivated by how God works in my life, and so often in such a subtle, gentle manifestations.  This is the glory of the Father -- to do the impossible.  What I mean by this is that I'd gotten on an internet dating application.  Mostly for fun, and out of sheer boredom.  This is how my beloved friend and I reconnected..... except he says that I sent him a message - but I did not.  I couldn't have because he isn't in my contacts to do so.  I believe this was a divine intervention.  He would say that I'm loony - but I know what I know.....  now we have plans to reunite, and this makes me enormously happy.  

I have also reconnected with a dear female friend and it has just been delightful.  She is one of the most generous, kind, giving, authentic women that I have known in quite some time.  We've been having a splendid time together.  Last Sunday - I had several friends in my home, and my phone actually rings and dings with messages, calls from people that are in my life.  God has answered my prayers.  Even though I've not really been able to deeply pray lately other than to praise Him, even in this awful pain - He's answering my prayers!  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and doing so beautifully.  Although I've not been to church, nor am I a consistent reader of the word (not that I'm advocating these things) - but I truly believe it's about a state of the heart.  Not that one's heart has to be 100% pure either, because I have my demons, just like everyone.  But, God is life - beauty, and for me, He's in the quest for wholeness.  He knows the desires of my heart and He has heard my prayers.  He's heard me praise Him for all things, even the most basic things - even in the depths of my despair.  His love is so vast that it commands my attention despite my human trust issues....of which I am not proud.  He understands it.  He understands all.  

I do not have the connection that I did when I was at Midland Church - albeit God is still with me just as strong.  I miss my church immensely - but God is still at the center of my life.  As Paul White used to tell us, "God isn't in this building... He's in your heart."  I've always known that in my head, but praise Jesus, I'm finally beginning to conceive that in my heart.  This is where it needs reside.  

Don't ever doubt that God is for you and not against you.  He hears your prayers, even when you cannot utter a word.  The Holy Spirit intercedes for you - and makes your requests be known and I believe sometimes that's our best communication with God, when there just aren't words.  When the heart speaks, I believe  people as well as God, listen.  It's hard to grasp during those deeply pain-filled moments, but God is ever so near us.  Our torment is His.  If we can just learn to give it to Him.  This is one of my greatest weaknesses, the pain sucks me into it, and away from God, but I am learning.  Ask for the Father to deliver you... because He will, each and every time.  It may not be the way you think it should go -- but I tell you He will transform your life.  Pain always transforms us.  All we have to do is feel the pain, and trust the Lord.  Praise Him anyway, hold on and see what happens.  It doesn't even take great faith, for we all falter at times when we're hurting.  Just try and remember what man uses for evil, God will use for His good.  

And always, always --- have hope.  God will make something beautiful out of your suffering.     

Monday, May 9, 2016

Lost lives.

I have mixed emotions today.  This has always been a difficult day for me -- having had the childhood that I had.  I realize that I won't be anyone's favorite when I admit that I really dislike Mother's day.  For me, it evokes much distain.  Having had a mother that was mentally ill, cruel, and with such a duality - as much as I wish it hadn't; my mother affected my life quite adversely.  I've never liked Mother's day.  I'd search for hours sometimes trying to find a damn card that said anything near the truth to our flimsy relationship - in all reality it was a love - hate one at best.  Hallmark doesn't really make cards that requite those feelings.  "Dear Mom, I love you --- despite the fact that I have HUGE amounts of time that I can't recall or remember due to your demonic character......"  Those aren't sold on the shelves.  It was a complex relationship at best, I did love her, it was just "scary" love.  Love filled with fear.  As hard as I try,  pray, read, weep, the fear in love or connection with people is still there.  There's few that I trust, even fewer that I let know me, and when I do - it's a double edged sword.  This is what love was for me, it always seemed to hurt somehow.

I've been in incredible pain.  This along with the pain that I live with on a daily basis has just about put me over the edge.  I had a kidney stone obstruction that went on for about 12-14 days.  I finally had surgery last week.  I still have a kidney full of stones.  They kept telling me it wasn't obstructed, and I knew better.  They wouldn't pass.  I was in agonizing pain,  One of my friends after a misunderstanding with another friend... in which I'd hoped for support with, actually told me to get off my pity party.  Needless to say her and I are not friends anymore.  She seemed to think that she understood my pain.  I cannot imagine saying something like that to a friend....no matter what the circumstances.  She said that being supportive of me what a challenge.  That's interesting.  I found this very interesting.  Of course people come to you through the veil of their own pain - emotional and spiritual.  I guess in all actuality I shouldn't have expected anything more.

It's been a long time since I've thought about expectations and the problems that they bring.  I used to be very good at not having them.  That was back in my A.A. days - for it's one of their philosophies.  The less you expect the better off you are.  I lost someone else this week that I fully know was a result of my relationship, and it's affects with my mother.  When I begin to get close to someone, especially a man, I panic.  I get frightened on a level that I'm not even aware.  My mind races, and I get out of control.  I've lost several people like this... and it is part of the root of my anxiety.  He too, just disappeared.  I don't get a chance to explain  - and really after the way that I behave sometimes, why should they let me explain?  It's a pretty unattractive trait.  I wish I knew the answer to getting to the root of this.  This is exactly what I've prayed for God to heal.  You see, I had begun to care for this man, and that's when it happens, when someone starts to get close.  I suppose awareness is half the battle, however I'm getting really tired of looking at this dysfunction of mine and not knowing what to do with it.

We all have our stuff.  Some of us have more stuff than others.... but we all have it.  Even this guy - he has stuff.  None of us are perfect.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me,  he didn't think it would work out.  He just stopped talking to me.  Men are great at that.

So the numbers keep racking up of the people that I've lost.  It's never easy.  I keep wondering when I'm going to learn this lesson, and I keep praying for healing.  Actually I haven't really been able to pray here lately.  I'm sort of numb.  When I screw up and I know it's my fault like with the guy - and I know it's my childhood dysfunction -- it makes me really sad.  I get depressed.  I've been depressed, in horrible pain and out of touch with God.  I hate this fear that I feel.  I wish fear didn't exist.  Oh, I've read all the books, and I've done the work, but I still have it.  The only way that I truly believe that I'll ever get over it is for someone to love me through it.  Someone that is strong enough to see past it.  I don't know if there is that person alive.  I pray there is, I pray.  Someone that won't abandon me when it gets tough.  Someone that see's my scars and can still love me.  I realize that this is a tall order - and maybe I'm hoping for too much, but I truly believe this is the only way that I'm going to heal.  Love heals, unconditional love.  I know of it, I try my best to give it to my friends, and it's what my father taught me.  I thank God for my father, for with out him - I don't think I would have survived.

As I approach the anniversary of my Dad's death - once again, I reflect on his character.  Dad was a wonderful man.  A true man of integrity.  My whole aim in life is to be his daughter, and carry on his legacy.  It is very hard to be all the things that he was in today's society.  I fail miserably often times, yet I pick myself up.  I write so that others may know that they are not alone in life's struggles.  Hopefully, that somewhere, somehow, we're all in this together.  Shared experience makes for lesson's learned - hopefully.  As I've shared throughout these four years, I've hit bottom many times, yet here I am.  There is always hope.  God is our hope.  He is our guiding light in an ever present darkness.  I'll find my way through this dysfunctional behavior somehow, with His help.  He will answer my prayers - for He always does.  Sometimes the weeding out of people is necessary.  I don't always like it - but God know's best.  I believe my healing is coming --- and I'm going to stand in that truth.  God has brought me to far for me to live my life in this kind of hell.  I don't like hurting people, it kills me.  No more then I like being hurt.  It's just not what God intended.  I just have to have faith, and hang on.  And so do you......hope springs eternal, Jesus is our healer.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Hope in Healing.

I had an epiphany yesterday... as I read my bible and pondered many things.  My life feeling quite broken and empty.  Life has been full of pain and confusion - fear and mistrust, I found a glimmer of hope inside my prayers as I finished my morning's activities.  If when attempting to heal, you're just bombarded by more and more problems instead of answers, it isn't a healing's way.  I had been following a woman's work about being a damaged daughter, and the depth of the carnage continued to pile up.  I continued to seek answers for my wounds - and there seemed to be none.  Not concrete answers anyway -- every-time I turned around there were further posts on damage, but no real cure... I had begun to over identify with the wounds.  I will not be a "wounded woman"... for I have overcome far too much in my life, and I serve God of the Most High - and my beliefs are not in alignment with this vein of thought.  Again, my intellect is my own worst enemy.  I began to pray for relief ---- Father God, relieve me of my humanness..... and heal my wounds as only You can.... In Jesus precious name.

I've struggled with my issues from/with my Mom my whole life.  It had become an identity and I wasn't even aware.  Oh how we can let things take ahold of us, and not even realize and here I had this woman telling me that I was HARD wired in my brain to act, think, and react a certain way because of my Mom.  It may be true, but I cannot eat, live, breathe, that.  Yes, I have problems but I also know that I have a LIVING Savior who IS SEATED besides the right hand of God.  I'd gotten lost somewhere in this deal thinking that I had to do the work.  Oh my goodness.  How foolish I am.  My brain.  My overactive, "I'll fix it", workaholic, "I got this", over functioning, brain.  Like a sheep awaiting slaughter I was.  Oh I'm a trooper alright, but a foolish one.  When I actually think of this -- this enlightenment was an answer to a prayer.  God is my healer.  It's already FINISHED.  My healing was done 2000 years ago at Calvary.

It's been an interesting week thus far, I'm still passing kidney stones - or NOT passing - they are stuck. I'm still out of work, and nothing I can do about it.  This down time was needed.  I'm realizing how cruel people can be.  People can and will say anything with the help of social media.  They will say what they would never say to you to your face.  I hate this culture that we have now.  It is hard to trust.  People all have their own limited views of who you are, and there isn't anything that you can do about it.  People's perception of you is, nine times out of ten, not what you think.  People will go off on you with out provocation, and without hesitation.  They see you through there own lens of disfunction - and pain.  I guess in all reality how else could they see you.  I thank God I've been taught to see things with objectivity.  It's a pain on pain world.  If you've possibly hurt them, they'll die trying to hurt you back.

It really seems like God is directing me to live my life without the aid of other people.  Seriously.   My life continues to be narrowed down more and more to a mere nothingness.  I could disappear and no one would be privy.   That's ok, there is a reason this is happening.  If I am to retreat into myself and God that much, I will be ok.  If God is to be my everything, then so be it.  I will make do just fine.  Apostle Paul went through much worse than I'm going through.  So did Jesus.  Not that I'm comparing in any way... but to have very little human contact is hard and can be quite distressing at times especially for a chronic pain person.  There are things I can do.  It should prove to be an interesting summer.  I will be grateful for what I have, and rejoice in the answers that God has provided, because I believe that people always show their true colors.  God will reveal, always.  Any friend that talks about her other friends behind their backs, will talk about you behind your back.  Remember that.

I have surgery on the 4th of May.  I'll be good as new and my life will return as normal... whatever that is.  I'm going to stand fast in the Lord and read God's word for healing and restoration.  My intellect is my enemy.  My healing is in Christ.  When I can remember to yoke up with Him, every single issue in my life is solved.  It doesn't make things perfect, or me, by any means -- but it means I have answers where there were none and perfect answers.  I can live life in awe and wonder.... as it should be.  Having people in your life can be wonderful and devastating both at the same time sometimes.  Right now, I just need Jesus.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Present Pain.

I'm at a place that I don't know that I've been.  In attempting to deal with the issues of my childhood (my mother), my recent break-up, abandonment, silencing, my friends (so called) ignoring me, and the disrespect at my job.... I'm just about to snap.  I've been through many, many an ordeal in my life -- but how and why things are piling up quite the way that they are now is just almost more than I can effectively manage emotionally.  The amount of sheer will that it is taking to just get up and function is about to do me in.  It's taking a tole on me physically - I'm passing kidney stones, I have a sinus infection, and the fatigue with my fibromyalgia is horrific.  My depression is real fun too.  I must be right on the edge of major change, for all of this has brought a plethora of emotional pain.  There's anger too, which is even harder to control.  This is what frightens me, for I know I have rage.  Untapped rage.  I believe a lot of us do --- if we're honest.

The loss of this relationship has affected me deeply.  I have been unable to separate it from my thought for many weeks.  It's been consuming.  Even when I don't want to think about it, I do.  My mind steadily attempts to try and figure out what I don't understand... over and over.  It's getting better, but not with out increasing some of my medications.  The only way that I know how to explain this is that one some level, my soul knew this man's soul.  We just sinked.  Plus, for whatever reason, my intuition tells me that this isn't over yet.  Perhaps that is because it never ended... He did not end the relationship he just left.  He ran.  I asked for what I needed from him and he ran.  How validating is that?!  I was in shock for a few days, until the reality set in, only to find that he'd blocked me from his phone.  And he wasn't calling like he said he would -- typical male behavior, except I was deeply in love with this man.  Deeply.  I did not even realize how much until he left me.  There were days that I cried so hard I could not breathe.  The pain was horrific.  Although this wasn't a long term relationship I sensed something about this man the very first time that I saw him - before I actually met him.  My spirit knew his spirit.  Perhaps this is why he left, I will never know.  I do not know if he had another woman waiting, or if it was fear that made him run.  I do believe that he is in a relationship now though, however -- which to me is actually quite sad, but typical of men who don't deal with their issues.  He said that he couldn't give me what I needed, but (ahem) how about an attempt prior to running like mad?  I suppose some men just can't handle women that know what they need?

I thank God for my job, but it's been challenging as well.  I work for people from a different country.  For the most part it's ok.  My boss is very respectful and kind.  I don't know much about their culture and I suppose I might want to look into that so as not to offend anyone, but as of late, it seems that one of them certainly hasn't cared if she offended me.  She piles work on me, and wants all of it done in an impossible time frame.  Her husband is the "working" manager and my regular boss is on vacation... I'm sensing that she is upset with me about something.  She speaks very little english, so it is impossible to communicate with her.  She has been very rude to me on several occasions.  I almost walked out yesterday -- but I know that I need my job, so I bit my tongue.  However, I will not tolerate it much longer.  My boss will be back today.  Thank goodness.  It's interesting working with people of a different culture, most of them are really kind - but language is a huge barrier.  I just know that disrespect is universal... or at least it should be.

My friends, well they seem to think that it's perfectly fine to just ignore me when I try to communicate with them.  Several of them don't bother to answer their cell phones, don't reply to texts, for days!  I'm sorry, that's just plain rude.  If it had just been one person it might not be so bad, but 4-5 is just too much.  People are just damn rude nowadays.  People are so self-centered.  It's becoming a nasty world.  Even the people that you think care --- don't really.  I can count like two people in all of this earth that really give a crap.  That is sad.  Most folks care about as much as what they can get from you.

So - I've been in a awful depression.  I've been on autopilot most of the time because to be "live" is just too damn painful.  When I do get in touch with my pain, well it isn't pretty.  It's as if I'm getting a lot of evidence that I really don't matter.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe this is where I'm lost.  I've been lost ever since I lost Midland.  My church.  And again I'm at the presuppose that I'm not supposed to be "of this world".  This world only brings heartache.  Man am I there.  The worst?  I know better.  People will treat you however they like.  There's not really too much you can do about how they act.  But, I can overcome, and overcome is what I will do.  So what if people are being jerks, I don't have to be one.  This is what I love about writing - getting things outside of yourself helps you process... THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Jesus overcame the world, He was betrayed - beyond anything we could ever imagine.  We will never actually know that kind of suffering.  I know what I need to do, I've been under so much stress and emotional baggage that I've not been willing to make the effort to go to church.  The Sunday that I did, I felt better.  It wasn't Midland, but I was still there to worship.  It is hard when everything requires EFFORT.  I am beginning to see however, that the depth of this pain is going to bring me to an awesome place.  Immense pain always does.  I welcome it.  I embrace it.  I'm so ready for change. Yet, I know that change requires my participation.  I cannot sit and wallow in this murk, and hope it will get better.  I have to be a participating force in my own life.  Pain pulls me away from God and I know it... I call out to Him - but the pain pulls me back to it.  Pain is a definite faith tester.  Knowing it doesn't change how it feels either.  I'm doing what I usually do --- battling with my own intellect.  My greatest demon.  It cancels out everything Godly.  What a struggle, and humbly I admit --- how prideful.  It makes me feel just awful.  I've had to rely upon myself so much that I've just learned to set God to the side when the going gets really rough.  It's all about trust.  Man, that's hard to admit.  I know I'm not alone.  It helps me to know that my Savior understands and His mercy covers me.  He just knows.  He just understands.  For this, and so much more, I'm immensely grateful - even in this pain, for my life.  There's always beauty here.  If we can rise above our struggles and learn from them.  This isn't going to break me, even though it may feel like it - feelings are just feelings ... I'm securely in the palm of my Father's hand.

"The only real failure is the failure to grow from what we go through."  Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

In the blink of an eye.

So much has transpired, I hardly know where to begin.

Mostly what I want to convey is the pain that I feel and how vastly I am trying to understand the ability of humans to be so callused, cold, and detached.  How much control plays a part in relationships between a man and a woman.  I've never experienced it on this level.

I suppose I thought that I had the corner on family dysfunction...but for all intensive purposes, I know now that I am not alone.  When people walk out of your life and emotionally cut you off --- the pain is brutal. I've been here before.  No answers, no validation, no closure, no end in the attempt of the mind to process what just happened.  It searches for answers.  It can't but not.  Seek and search - that's what the brain does... endlessly.

People can come into our lives for all sorts of reasons.  For all sorts of seasons.  Sometimes it is hard to tell, and sometimes we have to wait for the answers.  Sometimes even when we ask for what we need in the best possible way that we know how --- be that right or wrong in someone else's eyes, we get rejected.  Rejection on any level is brutally painful and very devastating to our self-esteem, not even to mention our hearts, and our spirits.  It is exceedingly difficult to keep positive thought, care, and concern about the person that has abandoned - and or rejected us.  One would have to be a saint.  Rejection on any level is an ego-murder.  I've worked long and hard on my ego life, but yet, this has damaged me greatly.  For a person that has had as hard of a time learning to ask for what they need, to do so and be abandoned, this was horrific.

This experience has taught me.  This experience has brought me right back to the crux of innate human behavior an how truly cruel humans can be.  Without information, what else is left to speculate?  When another person denies all contact at the end of a close relationship there is nothing to do but speculate, and this I tell you is cruel.  All that is left to deduce is that humans are cruel and harsh.  It may not be the absolute truth - but it is my truth.

I have been in so much agony and pain in the wake of one human being.  I'm almost ashamed to say.  Yet I know that I haven't responded much different than anyone else would have done who cared about another person... I've attempted to communicate and seek closure.... but who wouldn't with such an event?  Being left high and dry leaves one emotionally bankrupt.  Women give, that's just what we do, and this time I gave it all.  I don't do that often - but for this man I did.

Of course I want to tear him to screeds.  However, I actually feel compassion for this individual.  Fear must dictate his every move.  I'm grateful I don't live like that. It wasn't wrong that I asked for what I needed, no the problem was that he couldn't give.  I'm sure it's perceived as I asked for too much, but I know better.  I know what it takes as a clinician for a relationship to function and thrive - and ours wasn't cutting it.  When I am really honest with myself, as much as I cared for him, I wasn't happy.  My needs weren't being met.  Of course it isn't always just about that - it goes both ways -- but if the other person doesn't speak for themselves, there isn't one single thing that will make the relationship work.  Hope will not make a good relationship work.  I'm high functioning and I know it.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I do my part, and then some - if I haven't already done the work, you can bet I'm aware that I'm in process.  I'm just open and not every one is.  Period.  Most folks don't even think about they're thinking. That is a FACT.

Life has been pretty brutal as of late.  Long days and difficult nights.  I started a new job and this has been stressful but good.  I thank God for it.  As my stress level rises I find myself as risk of addictive behaviors, and some not so great thinking that I have to stay on top of.  I could easily fall back into addictive behavior because I have been in such intense emotional pain.  I won't lie I've thought a lot about using.  I've used chemicals in my head.  It didn't help -- it never does.

I've been almost in constant prayer.  I've had to be.  I know that either God took this man out of my life, or I just don't have the answer yet.  I'm really trusting God to work this one out, because I'm incapable.  My answers have come from God.  God endured every emotion that we could ever in His time here on earth.  He overcame, and so shall I.  Nothing is too great for Him.  I've laid and cried and cried, and prayed and prayed.  I know that it doesn't fall on deaf ears.  I know that God counts my tears.  In all reality, I don' think that this man doesn't care, I really believe that he's just incapable of being with me.  For whatever reason, this is what he chose because it's easier for him.  Most people choose the easier route.  In all actuality this probably isn't about me at all --- most people are quite selfish.  This is a sad fact, but a fact no doubt.  His level of dysfunction is pretty high.  This is quite evident.  No matter the reason.

I've had the weirdest feeling that this isn't over, alas I suppose because there was really no end.  I do still have quite deep feelings for this man.  I understand why people do the things that they do.  It doesn't excuse the behavior however.  Nothing excuses that kind of cruelty.  I blamed myself for a while.  I stopped that.

God will answer my prayers.  He always does, and does so in amazing ways.  I do trust.  I am learning.  This is what I live for, to learn.  Nothing is ever a mistake, if we always learn.  What is this trying to teach me?  Just because you ask doesn't mean you get.  Relationships aren't always the answer.  Sometimes they're the problem.  In my loneliness I sought out something I thought I did not have... only to find it wasn't there.  God had it all the time.


 I still do not believe we are meant to be alone in this world.  Yet, there are those that just cannot give of themselves, or don't want to.  Maybe they just don't need.