Saturday, March 9, 2019

Lie to Me

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
                                                                                                   Carl Jung

There's so much flying around in my mind I am not certain where to begin.  I know what I want and need to convey it's just where to start.  I find myself in a really odd place in my life.  It's almost as if I'm not really sure how I got here.  I don't mean that as I take no responsibility for where I am, no it's not that - it's more like I haven't really even had the energy or the ability to pay close attention.  At least that is how it feels at this moment.  Depression.  It's getting worse. I have never had the symptoms of not being able to get up - you know sleeping all the time? Well, I have been sleeping for almost 24 hours (close to it) in the last few weeks.  I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  Oh, it bothers me, don't get me wrong - it driving me nuts.  The energy it takes to get up and sit here - it's about all I have.  It took me 5 days to pay bills -- normally it's the first thing I do when my check hits the bank.  

I don't know - I'm hoping some of the things that are trying to get worked out-- get worked out soon.  I can go and see a psych.   I need help working through what I've been through.  Sounds odd doesn't it when it's said out loud -- like a merry-go-round.  Believe me, that's what it feels like.

What is weighing so heavily is what has ended up being my plight with people.  So many assumptions have been made.  People actually think they know me from the place I'm in right now.  I hardly allow other people's opinions of me bother me, but there's so much of it going around right now-- it just feels awful.  Everyone backs away from me like I have the plague.  People will not ask questions because they're afraid -- so they assume and jump to conclusions.  And boy the conclusions.  It's almost comical.  Nothing I can do about it -- I've even lost a friend of 45+ years in the last month or so.  People love to judge - all the while they hypocritically do what they do in private.  I don't judge - what's the point?  Where I'm at is because I was stupid enough to say the demon word "NEVER", oh and there's another one that's just as ridiculous... I"ALWAYS" they are both setups!! Don't do it, I'm telling you, it will come back around and make you eat your words plus have to deal with whatever it was you declared you ALWAYS did or NEVER was going to do!!! 

There are very few that could survive what I have been through in my life.  I'm a tough old bird.  No one really knows the whole story -- not even my (past) friend of 45+ years.  I've not really met anyone that wanted to know it all! I don't blame them, hell my own mind blocked a whole hell of a lot out especially for me!  

I am having a very difficult time with motivation in getting done what I need to get done.  It is hard without support.  I have been able to at least pray small short prayers.  It's more than I was able to do for a while -- I was just completely shut down emotionally -- just numb.  I think I have been on autopilot - at least as far as just living goes.  Somehow I manage to eat, do laundry - things like that - but that's about it.  I manage to keep my basic life details intact but I did mess up my funds this month - because of self-medicating.  I need to see a psychiatrist. My meds are in serious need of adjustment.  I have been trying to get by with my primary physician and what I was prescribed previously and it's just not working any longer.  I'm in serious need of an overhaul.  Problem being - I cannot afford to pay 20% of said Psych.

I'm fighting my addiction daily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.  Many people don't understand this. Oh, how, however, they do like to judge -- what is so damned interesting to me is -- how folks attempt to make a judgment call on something they cannot begin to comprehend.  It's just something I think about - a lot.  It really tears me up too - how different chemicals - are on different levels of "Oh my God - they're doing THAT???"  Ah, folks, they're all just mood-altering chemicals - I fail to see or understand why -- any of them need be placed into the horrendous categories that society places them in.  Wasn't it ah, about 20 years ago -- if that long that alcoholics were skid row bums??  People that hung around on the corner - begging for money and drinking out of paper sacks.  Ah, yeah.  It just floors me - how people love to judge what they do not understand.  People fear what they do not understand. All addiction is devastating.  All of it can and will kill if not arrested folks.  It rips families apart - it destroys nearly everything it comes into contact with if it continues on a long-term basis, and there is no intervention.  Addiction is progressive, it is deadly, it follows a known path (to destruction) at some point it renders it's the user powerless and incapable of stopping - needing the drug in order to attempt to feel or obtain some kind of normalcy.  There are specific markers - that addicts and alcoholics go through - stages - predictable phases and this is why it is a disease.  Many people do not believe and that's fine.  People love to blame -- I have known a few that ended up having the disease themselves over there nasty attitudes towards the disease -- and man are they in deep denial.  Life is odd like that -- sometimes.  It is a huge piece of why I do not judge -- I don't want to find myself sitting in the same shitty pool of nastiness I have thought about another human -- because it can and sometimes does happen.  It's all back to the NEVERS.  It doesn't feel real good, trust me.

So here I am, isolated, fairly deeply depressed,  not really one human to talk with who I really trust - and fighting a battle from hell.  It feels a lot like trying to climb out of a well that's been slathered with grease.  Hell of a metaphor don't you think?  I just can't seem to get a hold of anything.  I really do well to get a grocery list finished - but you see - people don't want to hear that.  People want you to lie and tell them I'M FINE.  GREAT! So that's what I'm going to do.  It seems to be the only way to keep them from running away.  I don't know if it's the times, or people are that damn shallow.  Yeah, shallow.  It's like the "happy, happy, joy, joy" society.  I've never belonged.  I guess I never will.  I'm a realist, I say what I think, and how I really feel.  It doesn't go over real well, and people surely judge you by it.

(He's all of 16 years old here-- plz check Johnny out. He's amazing.)

I hate that people take a slice of your life - and determine who you are because of where you're at - at that particular time or season.  Assumptions are made, and it may only be a tiny slice of your life - but their minds have slammed shut on who you are.  It's damn frustrating - especially when you've been through what I have been through in the last year and a half.  I have endured probably the most traumatic time in my entire life - it represents nothing like I've ever gone through in my life -- but it's now the example of who I am.  WoW.  Really? So you think based on where I am at now -- everything else in my life prior is null and void?  Do you even know how I got here? No, it doesn't matter because it's not relevant -- judgments already been made.

This is from the Myers Briggs Personality type test. Check it out - I am an INFJ - only 2% of the entire population are my personality type -- pretty rare. It's a very excellent way of getting to know yourself.  I recommend it highly.  

It's difficult when you don't put others in boxes, with four walls of who you have declared them to be - and why.  You know, that mental quadrant folks love to place around people in our lives -- the categories, the sections like in the mail sorting rooms -- "good", "bad" -- "sort of okay" - it's drives me insane.  The world where people are mind readers -- and they can see into crystal balls.  Fortune tellers, and psychics.  It's odd too because I'm an empath - I can read a person in just a few seconds upon meeting them -- but what is so interesting -- I see good in people -- I see a person's potential.  I can sense the negative and also the dangerous - but it's not what I necessarily focus upon.  I do know it's there.  I don't judge it - I just observe.  That is what I love about people -- observing and learning - from them, who they let me know they are versus who I sense they are.

What is heartbreaking? Getting the exact opposite of those in my life.  Oh well.  Not much I can actually do -- I'm done trying to explain -- just DONE.

Expectations ---- KILL.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  

I won't be in this place forever.  I promise anyone that.  Especially myself, that's all that seems to matter anyway.

To thine own self be true.

God Bless.   

Friday, January 25, 2019

Hope's Return

I am not sure where to begin.  The last year of my life has perhaps been one of the most difficult to endure, although on a much different level of existence than I have ever experienced before.  I have spent copious amounts of time alone with nothing other than my thoughts and said thoughts not being productive, positive, nor in any sense of the realm - life-enhancing.  I spent several months fighting suicidal ideation and planning.  I spent said months with a straight razor in the overhead shelf - just waiting to slice my carotid artery on my neck and the femoral artery on my leg, knowing fully of the finality of these actions.  I was completely alone and devoid of any feeling other than pain, the inability to generate any real reasons as to not take my life --   it seemed logical at the time.   If it had not been for my cat and one friend - I don't know if I would be here today.  I certainly did not have any internal motivation for continuing my existence.

More than anything - I felt trapped.  I still do to a certain degree.  I lost hope.  If you know my blog - then there is an understanding of the significance of the devastation that I endured and how deeply I was depressed as well as the bottom that I reached.  For me to lose hope is like a flag to no longer flys in the wind.  It is about as devastating a state of being that I would have believed to found myself in.

I have spent months and months emotionally numb.  Not actually choosing to  be void of emotion, but more of a state of apathy.  I would classify it as knowing in my mind --the lack of emotion - but it was more like a passing thought - certainly not a concern.  I still struggle to connect my mind and heart accessing emotions from the experiences of the recent past.

I have shared part of what I went through in the last few blogs.  I do not wish to go back into those issues, but what I will share is that even when (and if) you have the ability to forgive someone for what seems to others as the unforgivable -- do not allow the source of said pain of cruelty back into your life.  Your ability to forgive is your superpower it has nothing to do with their ability and capacity to further be a destructive force in your life.  Evil is evil, and it has no place in or near the heart or home of a person who embodies goodness.  Destruction will always try to destroy what is good, I believe because it knows it's evil.  Darkness cannot exist nor prevail in the presence of light.  The light will always reign over the darkness, no matter what.  Light illuminates and exposes darkness for what it is -- nothing but a mere shadow. Sometimes only a shadow straight out of the pits of hell.

Love this prayer.  Love Marianne. 

I have fallen back (for lack of better verbiage) into my addictions this last year.  I won't say I'm ashamed - it's just what we do as addicts trying to deal with the symptoms of trauma, inability to face or feel through difficult issues, intense emotional pain and the like.  I do not justify - merely describe.  I don't know of too many who could have endured this isolation as well as the issues I have had to face - and stayed sober.  There have been times I thought I would just go insane here in this space alone - no human contact for days.  The absolute odd element was that often the only interaction I would have with anyone would be with fellow addicts.  A lot of the time, the only help I would be offered  - rides to and back from the store - etc. - was from fellow addicts.  Sometimes even now its still true.  I've felt more compassion, more empathy, and much more willingness to help me from people I've gotten high with than people I've gone to church with.  This is beyond my belief - and extremely disheartening. I know exactly why -- the addicts don't judge me like the Christians do.  Yes, that is what I said.  Those that believe they're in an elite status -- (in their minds) distance themselves, therefore they would never admit it, somehow, somewhere there is an egoic mentality -- of superiority.   I have felt it inside my own home church.  It isn't acceptable to be "different" and still fit in.  One will surely find themselves alone one their pew for perhaps years -- and I did.  I have always been one people where just not quite sure of.  The oh so odd thing is - I love people (and kitties) probably more than most.  Yet, the level of my honesty has (I guess) been too difficult for most.  It is difficult for me to understand most of the time, in order for me to live - in sobriety anyway- rigorous honest was the only way I could stay alive. I took the tools presented to me, deeply to heart.  I have never been one to lie, nor hurt someone with the truth either - but most don't want to hear your truth.  It makes them uncomfortable.  I have been shunned by quite a few.  It's perfectly alright - it is who I am now, I don't hide behind what is "acceptable" in society - that to me is nonsense. I'm not pretending for anyone.  I don't even believe I could.  I actually fail to see any purpose in it.   

Oh, Eckhart.  How true.  What a thinker I am.  This is one of my favorite quotes.  I spent many years avoiding feeling anything.  My desire to not feel is what propelled my addiction.  Well, this and the massive "black hole" in my gut.  All addicts/Alcoholics have it - even if they won't admit it.  Some don't really know what it is or have the ability to define it as such.  I truly believe we are born with it. it's like a part of us is missing.  It's kind of like a deep sense of longing for something- someone- somewhere - inside that is so elusive and evasive that the searching, the longing - seems to never end.  Just when it seems it might be somewhat satisfied, it begins gnawing and it's hungry again. It is a constant state of emptiness, it tells you that you are not enough, you don't belong - you don't measure up - you are defective - and once you find that substance which fulfills that need --- it's never enough no matter how much or how often.  I recall waking up when I was truly at the height of my addiction in my teen years and early 20"s the very first thought upon waking, I would have my very first thoughts of  "how am I going to get high today." Those thoughts were never far from my consciousness - They were on replay 24-7 even when I was so high -- it was never ending - because where is the next one coming from?  What do I have to do to make it happen, where do I have to go, do I have to steal, manipulate, or talk out of?  The preoccupation was a living nightmare.  This is why living in the present now is so extraordinary.   I can be present and be free of that burden.  

Even though I am still struggling, I have much to be grateful for and I am indeed grateful.  No, my life is far from where it should be, and I slip still.  I have very little support.  I have found people so selfish.  selfish beyond my imagination.  I don't even like being in this world right now.  It is brutal.  The majority of humans could care less if you eat, see anyone for months on end - and will do absolutely NOTHING for you.  NO matter what your circumstances are.  I'm living proof of this.  It literally makes me sick.  I just know it must be breaking Jesus's heart.  It must because it breaks mine. Oh yeah, people want to jabber about being this and being that-- but when it's time to do what you've said you would?  You can hear the crickets chirp!!!   No one's home!!!  And I'll tell anyone flat out -- if you can't stand behind you're word?  There's nothing to you.  Don't mean to be rude -- that is just HARD COLD FACT.   It's just another flimsy, fake, plastic person.   I won't apologize -- I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I guess I"m a part of a dying breed.  Kindness, honesty, authenticity, integrity, and being genuine are all attributes I have worked the majority of my life to uphold as a human being.   It is how my father raised me.  I mess up at times, we all do - but each new day -- we get another chance.  Just like God's mercy - it's renewed and (praise God)  we can set our sails towards being the best versions of ourselves with the dawn.  

I want to make something clear.  I have been judged and actually, people have turned their backs on me - just cut me out of their lives because of my addiction.  My across the way neighbor - I was honest with her about what had been taking place in my life - and all of the sudden I was just shut out.  it's happened to me on several occasions.  To me - and I mean no disrespect - it is ignorance. By this, I mean lack of knowledge.  It really blows my mind how people actually believe that one of us (for example) is "better" or "worse" than another based upon behavior.  Behavior does not define a person.  This in itself I suppose is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where the knowledge of humans is so limited.  Being trained no less nor differently than any traditional therapist - I understand why and how this happens.  People become afraid that what "you " do will, in fact, look like it is a reflection of who you associate with.  Of course, there are all sorts of other things to consider. Things that attribute.  We fear what we do not understand.  We distance ourselves from it.  This way if it is indeed harmful - (just in case) said thing is less likely to be able to harm us.  There's also the concern about society's opinion.                                                  I still have a hard time with people that make fun of addicts especially depending upon the type of substance used.  I have seen posts on social media where people are absolutely cruel towards those of a highly addictive drug when in fact there should be support and prayer.  It sickens me.  It may well be that I being who I am and what I know - realize the substance, mode of ingestion, frequency -- all of this is merely a symptom of the disease.  We do not make fun of people with cancer, or diabetes, why do we belittle addicts? It's barely been 10 years since alcoholics were the target - skid row bums.  Are we so petty as a society - as to need to make someone who's already suffering - perhaps more than anyone will ever comprehend - feel less than human?   What is the purpose of this I ask?  What kind of sick pleasure is found in kicking someone who is already aware of how far down their life has gone, and the consequences piling up way overhead.  Really???  I don't know -- maybe I'm a horse of a different color.  

An addictive substance - I don't care what it is -- (and why should you) is just that - a chemical -- that fits the receptor sites in the brain.  I don't care if it's marijuana, beer, vodka, hydrocodone, methamphetamine, Xanax, acid, YOU name it-- there is a process called neurotransmission of the receptor sites in the brain.  So many things just fit into these sites just like our own natural chemical transmission of hormones -- and reuptake inhibitors.  I fail to comprehend why there is so much judgment as to what chemical is used to feed the demon?? I especially fail to understand it from those who haven't a CLUE what addiction is - but want to sit on the sidelines and judge someone who is fighting it or in its throws.  Again, REALLY? What right does anyone have to look down their proverbial nose at another? 

I adore this.  I am still a kid at heart.  I hope I will always be.  Growing older isn't much fun, but there isn't much can be done about it.  We are complex human beings.  I am a firm believer that our differences, diversity is what makes our lives so rich and fulfilling.  I don't want to have to eat the same damn meal every day - over and over -- would you?  Nope, I would just eventually stop eating.  Discovery whether it be in a forest, or on a beautiful sandy beach somewhere tropical - that ability, that awesome possibility of finding something that you have never seen before - is so exciting to me.  I really love that feeling as well as that possible potential for a new experience!  I pray that I never lose that spark or that sense of awe and wonder.  I cherish those feelings, they let me know I'm alive.  I know that I don't know everything.. how could I?  But there are people out there that believe they do.  That is scary to me.  I love the feeling of expansiveness in the knowing that more is to come in knowledge and life's experiences.  That is like one of the coolest things for me.  I have little time to be concerned with who does what with what or how or any of those types of things.  I am not even living up to my own potential, I know it, so who am I to condemn anyone of anything?  I just simply have NO NEED.  

One of my most loved bible verses is: There is, therefore, no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  Not sure exactly where it came from - what book of the bible - what verse -- but that particular passage was a big part of what set me free of many chains in my relationship with Christ.  I assure you if my Jesus isn't condemning me?  There is no place in my heart to do so with anyone else either.  So many times it all comes back to me - why I adore Marianne Williamson - her book "A Return to Love" - also it's part of her beliefs - "there are only two emotions -- love and fear."  She purports that when we are living in fear, we cannot experience love, when we are living in love, fear cannot exist.  I love that.  She is a phenomenal woman if you do not know of her or her work, I highly recommend her.  She is quite the extraordinary child of God.  She is a miracle worker who teaches all of us how to be miracle workers too.  Goodness do we ever need this very kind of encouragement in our lives now, and someone who upholds us to a loving state of mind as well as a heart.  I sincerely hope you seek her out.  You have the same potential as I did when I first graced her healing power.  I promise you will never be the same. 

Forgive the length.  It's been a while! God Bless, always.
Love this.  Hope you enjoy her too. 

It's good to be back.  
God Bounty and Luscious Grace to you.   

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Ties That Bind - A Submission From 7-12-18 - A Brutal Betrayal

This is the account of the experience of my life.  The brutal  seven days from July 5-12, 2018 are indelibly marked in my mind as well as my heart.  Little did I know how much would transpire, and how powerful this time would end up being, how much change would take place, affecting my life beyond belief.  Please think twice when placing yourself in the care of a Mental Health Facility.  What can look like a professional organization doesn't not always mean it's a healthy environment -- and it does not promise that you won't endure abuse by said system.  I'm here to tell you -- it CAN HAPPEN.  Below is my personal hell and final account with a VERY unhealthy "Mental-Health" Facility deemed on getting revenge.  I guess there is just some sickness and some "so-called" professionals in charge - that don't like being confronted with the truth that will go to ANY lengths to abuse said powers, albeit, via deception or ruse.  

Mental Illness, Addiction, and Chronic Pain - all of these issues such delicate things to balance in an individual's life.  All of these conditions - in reality - are what is called "silent illnesses" - they can't under ordinary circumstances be "seen" just by looking at an individual for "proof" of the beholding, or identifying markers of their presence in a person's life.  Especially true of physical pain, and mental illness.  Sometimes what the beholden endures - is so offensive, so shocking, especially these days with the "WAR" on opiates - pain medication - for those of us who suffer and have for years with chronic, often debilitating pain.

I went through just this month, an abusive ordeal in a "mental health facility" hell bent on forcing me to comply, and sign a hard copy -- in admission - that I was/am indeed "Addicted" to opiates.  A plan was devised, a deception (without my knowledge) unbeknownst to me had been set into motion to attempt to force the removal of prescribed medications (throwing me into a vicious withdrawal) given to me by my primary Physician for documented (17+ years ) of medical conditions.  It was the facilities aim to (all Psychiatrists, Nurse Practitioners, and Support Staff) remove my prescribed medication, even to the point of hostility and belittling, with absolutely flat out denial as well as refusal to discuss documented FACT of my longstanding, relevant disabilities.  When I attempted to raise issues in defense pertaining to my conditions, I was met with the staff's response of, "we aren't going to discuss that!" Wow.  Is this America?  Have people lost their bloody minds?  Have we reached a place with this medication insanity - where a person such as myself -- HAVE NO RIGHTS?  Something here about this Hydrocodone deal has to be addressed.  This is pure INSANITY, people, has everyone lost their mind?  

The plan was to place me on Suboxone - the hottest and most prescribed new "Opiate of choice" - with many nasty side affects, a withdrawal from HELL - compared to with that of Methadone (you don't even want to know).  But alas, what is so special about this particular drug?  There's lots and lots of BIG Pharma funding right now for it's push and use in programs such as where I was.  It blocks feelings of euphoria that one might have from other opiates, and supposedly reduces cravings for other drugs.  There's pro's and con's alike out there--  Everyone seems to be being put on it these days- even pregnant women - Lord knows at what expense by it being such a new drug, and trials surely not being certain to the possibility of harm to these women's babies.  There were five women I think there and most of them were on it.  Seems damn near everyone was on it.  What I was unable to comprehend as I researched the drug, it's just another addictive substance... what gives?  Why would someone such as myself do that - there's no way in hell - I'm going to be in full blown pain, how does this make any sense in my case? Even if I am not being believed in my medical/surgical history -- I have SO many scars on my body (and in my defense I SHOWED them) where I have had multiple surgeries in attempts to correct the ailments pertaining to what is causing my pain.

I was belligerent,  I came unhinged,  I was enraged - I wonder what anyone would have done?  Here I was, a former Chemical Dependency Counselor -- being berated, told - what and who I was.  I had a televised appointment with their "program" physician who told me flat out that he did not care if I was in "full blown pain" I was to come off the opiates -- at which I just got up and walked out of the office.  It was like a nightmare in real life - except there was no waking up.   FINALLY.. after an agonizing seven days - I was discharged - and allowed to leave.  Oh, I knew there were going to be severe consequences, because of the plot and the plan that had been laid - I did not comply with the "orders" set before me, I knew now I'd have to pay.  I had no idea I'd already been discharged from all services -- here at the Bluff.  Odd, I had received a letter upon arriving home that said I had ten days to respond - yet when I called I was informed I had been discharged a day before 7-11-18) I was discharged from the other program?  I'm befuddled, bewildered, and ah, at this point it's beginning to seem funny, how all of this has ensued.

What I want to be known here is that at no time have I ever had an intake or an assessment for my "so called" use/abuse/addiction of Opiates.  I realize what I am saying. But please hear what I need to vocalize - it is my fervent belief that documents have been falsified in my case history - charting done that is illicit.  The last communication that I received stated, "your self-confessed opiate addiction" -- this is a an outright untruth.  An outright LIE.  I was sent to a program on complete and utter deceptive pretenses - an organization that I have trusted with the health and welfare of my mental stability for over seven years -- betrayed my trust -- and attempted to force me to admit something that just is not the truth. WORDS put into my mouth.   Never in my WILDEST dreams could I have ever believed something like this could have happened, but it has, and I have no idea what to do.  They are fully aware I have no financial ability to seek  legal counsel so they have the upper hand.  But dear God -- if they will do this to ME with the intelligence that I have - what are they doing to those that DO NOT???  

IT horrifies ME!!!

When the truth has been used against you - and all seems lost - don't be dismayed.  It would seem so easy to cave in and give up -- ah, but NO ONE knows that strength and the tenacity I bestow -- it is my Father's blood running threw my veins.  I don't have a QUIT.  Do what you will in said sickness.  I will survive.  I promise that.  I've survived the living hell on a level no equivalent will ever know.  Vicious and so evil -- well let's just say -- my mind took over and blotted out the remains of those days.  I was a mere little tot way back then, and I still overcame.  Just imagine what I'm capable of now... after all I've experienced along the way.

I lost my Gracie, my girl.  It was so unnecessary - to have gone through this debacle derived out of pure deception with no intent to help me.  How cruel - I cannot even fathom.  My service animal - hit by a car - dead on the side of the road - I can't get it out of my head.  We can't even find her to bury her - she was all I had - and now she's dead.  I hope everyone is real proud of the work that's been done.  Mission accomplished ... job well done! 

I profusely apologize to those who read my blog - this is now a positive posting.  It is nothing like my usual content.  I still believe it needs to be verbalized, for the sake of it's content.  Organizations of this magnitude have a great deal of power.  Don't blindly trust - like I did.  Do your research as best you can.  Dig and dig more one the professionals it employs.  Confront red flags when they erupt, trust yourself.  I should have walked away from this organization some time ago - I didn't and this is what has happened as a result.  Attempting to "hang in there" is not always a good choice.  I will tell you when you come from a background of abuse, we often make excuses for intolerable behavior --- we tend to "normalize it" even though we know in our guts it wasn't okay.  Believe in yourself and trust your intuition, it's the greatest gift you'll ever receive in this life.  It will lead you into all truth if you allow it...honor it, and know the power of it's truth.  It's God inside of us - what and Who that is to you.  This guide loves us and wants what is right, best, and true always in our lives -- trust is so hard for so many of us.  We trust things we shouldn't and don't trust what we need to.

My prayer will be for all of you to - as with myself-- learn to listen and discern that voice inside of us -- each and everyone who always has our BEST interest at heart.  The one that will lead us and guide us safely, honorably, to the best places in life where we belong, were we should have been all of our lives.  Please if you will, pray for me - the is a really hard place in my life.  I am not certain what my fate is going to be, loosing my beloved animal  so tragically.  I share this video with you -- it's been a strength to me since I got home.  It was shared with me from a friend, and now I share it with those of you.

To my girls who might read this-- you're spirits, your smiles, your courage, your strength is still with me.  I was an honor to have been in your company even if it was for a short while.  All of you gave me back a hope that I haven't had for some time.  Thank each and every one of you for the compassion, the kindness, the warmth, and especially the enormity of strength in our connectedness a power that transcends all time and space.  I miss you guys.  I'm there in spirit.  Always know you so worth each and every right decision you make - run toward wholeness (not that you aren't already) - do not let anything deter your personal journey.  Know you're loved, know you're blessed, and you will always rise above!!  To Thine Own Self Be True.

Thank you Jesus - for building and sustaining my strength - 
Thank you Daddy - for the tenacity, courage, and persistence - 

God Bless all of you, Until we meet again.  G.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Turning Points

Today is one one of the more painful days I've experienced in my life and so was yesterday.
Getting breath in and out has been a struggle.  Sleep as been illusive, I watched every hour go by like drops from a leaky faucet.  The last six months of life have been and are taking me to task at a place I'm not familiar with at all.  I am attempting to find myself in this rubble of what I thought was my life.  Partially deconstructed by choices I've made, and the rest?  If I'm honest with myself - the choices that were made were not made from my best sense of knowing.  Nope.  They were made out of loneliness, desperation, and dis-ease.  Choices made out of disquiet of the mind and a disheartened soul will not lead you to any sense of peace.  That is as much of any kind of sense I am able to make out of this unfamiliar place I find myself in.  Yet, here we all are -  in this separated, distant, and disconnected world acting as if nothing is wrong - that we are all "FINE",  when in reality there's few of us that are, we're just become good at faking it.  Some people can do that, day after day.  I cannot, I am far too sensitive and intense an individual to stuff all that inside day after day.  Neither of those characteristics make a person insane - although I sure have been treated as if I am plenty of times.  Matter of fact - I'm much more in-tune with reality than most, I feel everything, and then some.  The problems lie in the that those living in the haze of make-believe when challenged by the truth.  Ah, they'll say "the truth is relative", and deny it until the end, but for us old-souls, those who know what is by the senses of their spirits, denial is futile.  The greatest battle is with those in a position of authority when we are in an abusive situation, in harms way, or in need of someone to protect your life.

Emptiness and feelings of separation from other people were emotional circumstances I'd known my entire childhood.  Being denied, being unvalidated as having any kind of voice as a person in any realm was the only experience I'd ever known growing up.  What I recall in my memories growing up weren't all bad, some were quite good, times with my father and all of the wonderful things he taught me.  It's the blank spaces that haunted me, and the hours spent hiding in closets, frightened and terribly afraid.  I have dealt with most of my disabling fears, and I have worked diligently through years and years of therapy.  People will often say -- who have had no traumatic background "you just gotta let that go", to wit - I find most humorous.   Traumatic experiences and years of neglect map the pathways of our brains.  It isn't something that can be just "gotten over".  I still loose time in highly  stressful periods in my life.  Being an anxious avoidant type of personality - affects all of the relationships (as much as I hate it) in my life - even as much as I work, and work, and apply myself to the theories of healing to guard against it.

I have just been through - for whatever reason this season of my life - one of the most difficult periods where I have had so much destruction and I have been unable, despite literally screaming for help multiple times,  to speak loudly enough - or in the right manner - or to do so without dismissal.  My pleas for for help fell on deaf ears, on ears of judgement, upon ears  with no compassion.  Speaking the truth does not guarantee  that you will be protected, nor served.  So much in this world is how it appears, not how it actually is.  People believe exactly what they want to believe, despite the facts.  There is little one can do about those so called facts.

Some choices we make, can seal our fate.  It seems to make you or place you in a position of being a sub-human or less than these days.  People may not even know what took place or have any idea what an individual went through - yet condemn them anyway.  As if anyone has lived an exemplary  life. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin among you - let him throw a stone at her first." NKJV John 8:7  None of us are without sin.  We all make mistakes.  We all 'miss that mark'.

I suppose in some folks eyes, some mistakes are worse than others, some more forgivable - and some just not.  I'd beg to differ.  However, I have not been one in my lifetime to judge, I have learned a long time ago - to separate behavior from the person.  I see spirit over actions made.  We're all fallible.  All in the realm of forgiveness - and trust me, I have had to forgive those who have done the seeming unforgivable to me.  It has made me stronger and wiser, it's given me strength to endure.  I did not expect my voice to be so silent however, or to be outrightly ignored.  There's a pressure there that no one understands unless you've been through it.  Its maddening.

Seasons do end.  Change will always come because on a basic level, we live on an evolving planet - with recycling human suits.  I am a child of God - I know this some days, stronger than others - I don't easily admit.  I have a difficult time when I am in deep emotional pain feeling connected to God, but that's my issue not His - He doesn't go anywhere - I'm the the one that pulls away.  Far as I know it's pretty par for the course with humans.  I am going to come out of this bottom I've hit just like all the other's I've hit before.  I am a survivor at heart, myself and God -- and I'm sure learning the hard way that my understanding everything is SO futile.  The harder I try, the more mud I pull up.  It's perfectly okay -- because scripture tells me to 'lean not on my own understanding' and I keep doing it.  It's that deal - doing the same thing over and over?  Well most of you know the rest.  I've surrendered, and I'm going to do it a different way.  Praise God.  I have to.  I went to far down this time.  I lost hope in mankind.  I never thought I'd see that day, but I did.  Pulling out old tools to try and fix any problem will not work.  We know they don't work.  There is no knowledgeable defense against the disease of Addiction or Alcoholism.  Depression untreated properly just fuels the fire.  Do what is needed to do, despite what is happening in your life.  Don't stop until you get what you need.  I don't care how many times you have to scream.  Keep praying, keep reaching, and keep believing.   The God of your understanding will make a way where there is none.

God Bless you all!!!                            

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Growing Pains

Life.  It's what we get when we think we have other options.  It certainly isn't succinct with the drama's or dreams if you will, that run in our heads. I'm learning more and more that most of what dreams live in my mind, are just that - illusions.  Implements deemed to protect - a fallacy.  More often than not, you will be only further abused in that wake.  Especially if you've ever made mistake one.

We are now living in a world where predators can and are allowed to do anything they see fit, with no consequences.  They can virtually take anything from you - your car, your money, your only means of communicating with the outside world -- and not be held accountable.  It's nearly impossible to even obtain help from law enforcement if you are  a woman period.  Particularly if you made any kind of mistake whatsoever.

I have been put into the position of having to do investigation work by myself ... with no means of transport -- and I would imagine mostly because it was known that I would not be able to obtain information.  It was never intended for this case to be prosecuted.  This is the bottom line.

well, I am here today to say - it isn't over until the pretty lady sings.

Yes, I'm distraught.  I'm dismayed.  But I am not defeated.

My Lord doesn't intend for this child to be treated as anything other than His child.  Our circumstances do not define us.  They help us grow.  All glory be to the Father.  

Sunday, May 13, 2018

The Illusion of Separation

Not sure where I am going this morning but I feel the need to share.  If nothing else, to let someone, anyone know that no matter how far we may go down into the depths of despair, into what feels like utter disillusion, we have a Savior who still loves us as He always has.

I am one who even after being a christian for well over 30+ years still can struggle with separating myself from God during the times when I need Him so desperately.  In times of unbelievable pain - somewhere in my carnal mind I have some sort of default reflex that pushes God away.  The best answer that I have been able to conclude is that this is some sort of old, worn out coping mechanism from childhood.  It didn't do me much good then - but things like this aren't easily uprooted.

Most of you know that read my blog, I am pretty forthright in sharing the struggles of my life in hopes that my trials as well as my ability to overcome but for the Grace of God -- might inspire or lend hope for anyone who's struggling.  Even though I've rarely gotten feedback, I persist because God has placed this very medium upon my heart.  I'm sure that many think me a fool - and this is fine, many, many christians have been deemed fools for Christ throughout history.  If this be the case, I too am a fool for Christ Jesus.

These last few months, and weeks have been some of the hardest that I've endured in my christian walk.  Events transpired in my life and I lost my resolve, and made choices throughout this period of time that grew worse as time went on.  I fell prey to exceptionally old coping habits, looking for futile ways to to elevate the pain I was in from grief and loss that seemed insurmountable.  I succumbed to the short sightedness of my intellect in the attempt to numb said pain, running on empty and running as fast as I could.  I have a history of running from deep emotional pain, I have never faced it, nor have I endured it willingly without an internal fight.  I know that this is a direct result from the years of neglect and feelings of being unwanted by my mother.  What I went through then, was unbearable, so my default recourse was to think my way, somehow around it, and shove that pain as far down inside myself as I knew how.  My life as a child then was one of make-believe, and lost memory.

I have grown by leaps and bounds since that time, healing many, many of those old wounds.  Yet, who we are is the sum total of our experiences.  It isn't as if we can just wipe that slate clean.  Oh how I wish this were true.  Oddly enough it was just a couple of weeks ago that a memory surfaced, that I had buried so deeply, that I'd thought myself not even present when it took place.  I know now that I was there, I had just suppressed it.  Traumatic memories are like that, our minds know how best for us to be able to survive.

My very best friend at that time, we were all of about 7 years old -- walking home from school.  We all lived beyond the railroad tracks.  Well some of the boys had been goofing around and trying to grab hold of the trains as they passed by.  Myself and my girlfriends had been telling the boys how dangerous it was, and asked them to please stop.  They thought since the trains went so slow through the crossing that we walked over, nothing could happen.

My friend and I were so close.  We played either at his house, or mine after school and on weekends  - we were basically inseparable.  I have a scar on my right arm still to this day where we were jumping up and down on the bed and I hit a nail sticking out of the wall.  I loved him,  like a brother.  He was so sweet and kind.  We laughed and laughed together.

On this particular day with all my friends from grade school, the boys were jumping onto the ladders on the train as it went through the crossing.  Richard, Kevin, and little Jimmy.  God  only knows why things happen the way that they do -- and I certainly am not one that ever blames God for the things that happen in life, but that day Jimmy jumped to grab the ladder -- he caught holt, but lost his grip. When he fell, he went under the train, and it cut him in half.  All of us were immediately in shock, because Jimmy was still alive for several moments looking to us for help, we were so traumatized    unable to even move.  

I do not know what took place from that point on.  I kind of remember his funeral.  It is very unclear still.  I am however finding myself increasingly emotional about this.  I hope that doesn't sound trite.  It is in no way my intention.  It is just that with repressed emotions, as well as memories of this kind, the mind only releases what can be handled.

I cannot process this still.  The walk home - how my parents handled it - how it really affected me - all blank.  My friend Richard committed suicide some years later, after an awful battle with drugs and alcohol.  We were a pretty tight nit group, but we all went our separate ways after that.  My one female friend, we are still close to this day.  None of us were ever the same.

I shared last time about crossing paths with a predator.  A predator, narcissist, and I am pretty certain a psychopath.  He was so charismatic.  They usually are.  I allowed myself to be in proximity to this person.  Part of me sensed the danger, but being the eternal optimist -- I did not want to believe what my intuition was telling me.  Well let me tell you --- I suffered greatly behind my foolish indifference, and by my not listening to the heeding of the Holy Spirit.  When this happens, there is always consequences.  I'm still enduring them.

I have learned a great deal.  More than I ever thought I would have begun to understand about myself, and my self-will.  See, I have had to be strong in my life, exceptionally strong to survive.  But, what I am finally getting through my tougher than nails head is that I am not (and don't have to be) in survival mode any longer.  Father God is my Principal, my Director, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer.   As much as it "feels" like it, I am not out here on a limb -- anymore alone.  I get confused sometimes because I can't always see a light at the end of the painful tunnel.  I don't forget about God-- but because of my past, I struggle with trust.  I think many of us do.  It's okay.  Do we actually think that He doesn't know???

I have had a lot of trauma in my lifetime.  Yes, it affects me at times.  There are times when I'd give anything to be someone else just for a little while.  However, believe you me, those days are much more few and far between than they used to be.  Praise God.  I have been through a lot in life - less than some, and more than others.  But Jesus heals.  If I can get out of His way long enough.

Father God, it is beyond my ability to find the words to praise you for your grace and your mercy in my life.  I fail you so miserably sometimes, I insist on doing things my own way,  and rejecting your counsel.  I reach for things of this world to satisfy a never-ending void, that can never be fulfilled Lord by anything or anyone but You and Your love for me.  I praise You and I eternally thank You - for never ceasing to love me, no matter how far down I go, how difficult it must be to watch me self-destruct before You.  Thank You my precious Savior, for always being waiting for me to return to you no matter what shape I'm in, with arms open wide.  In Jesus Holy Name,  Amen

God Bless you!!!        

I found a new song -
I love it, it's so "right on time". 

Sunday, March 18, 2018

In the eye of the Storm

I've been through some things that I never would've believed would have happened.  I'm naive that way when it comes to not expecting evil from humans --oh not anymore grant you - because when you live through what I am living through -- you learn.  You actually learn a great deal more than on the surface you ever dreamed you would-- about so many things, on so many levels.  It's another awakening of the state of the world that we live in - and the condition of the human spirit -- or lack thereof.  I'm appalled at what I have discovered.

My Father raised me to believe in people and to be kind.  Dad was one of the easy going people I guess I've ever met, I don't recall his ever saying a bad thing about anyone.  Now he could stand his own if something were to happen to me or the boys - like a man should, he just didn't believe in talking about people behind their backs.  To him it just wasn't something that you did.  Daddy was one of the most honorable men that I have ever known to date.  I learned so much vast knowledge from my pop -- he didn't complain no matter what had to be done, what broke-down, all the crap that mom put him through.  He truly was the epitome of patience, tolerance, and tenacity.  I will never forget his telling, "honey, life isn't fair", to which I'd just giggle, at the mere age of 4 or 5 and espouse -- awe Daddy!  I did hear him though - I heard and depended upon every word that man uttered to me.

Most that read my writing know that I'm basically out here (as most of us are) doing this life thing by the seat of my pants.  No real family and pretty much zilch for support with exception for the ones that are paid to do so.  I find this appalling.  It doesn't exactly make for the grandest of feelings of self-worth.  The copious amounts of time that I spend alone just further validate what seems to be true in the first place.  I know that this has to be extremely hard for those who have no outlets like I do-- or have coping skills to get the duct tape out and hold the head on -- when it just feels like all of the thoughts (and feelings) dare blow your mind/head right off your chest.  Loneliness is no joke.

Well mine has placed me in some pretty messed up situations - dangerous ones at that.  Mostly because when you have no human contact - ANY seems do-able.  Even when the stakes are enormously HIGH, and every fiber of your being is screaming "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" Why would someone do such a thing?  I'll tell you why - because after being alone for days, months, years - when you do finally get an invitation.... you jump at it with glee.  Coming from my background of not mattering, or being good enough -- someone wanting me to go with them?  Well dang - it feels pretty good, and you override all the flaming red flags - to be able to feel wanted.  All caution is thrown into the wind because I truly think us incapable on some level--- to even be able to say "NO."  This is the part that people who judge us will never understand -- with families, husbands, boyfriends - friends --- full lives -- they had choices.  I suppose if I were going to put it in metaphorical terms it's like that last piece of your favorite candy -- like you're not going to do everything in your power to get to it, and consume it regardless of what other people think.

Old coping mechanisms die hard, and some never die - they just lay in wait --- gaining strength as you struggle... waiting silently until it knows the perfect time to begin it's speaking death to you.  It's an odd malady -- the disease of addiction/alcoholism has so much influence on the mind of the addict.  It can be so powerful, you begin the believe they're your own thoughts.  It takes great examination to be able to decipher between it and your real thought.  Most people aren't aware really that the disease wants nothing more that you dead.  This is the reason that it propels you so -- to use, and use, and use -- over and over --- because for goodness sake no matter how hard an fast you chase it -- there is just simply never a cutting off place, and NEVER ENOUGH.  In reality -- enough equals death.

I'm so enormously grateful and thankful to God for the knowledge that I have about this disease.  It doesn't make me any better, less apt to relapse -- because knowledge alone in no defense against this demon.  You can know all day you have a problem and still keep pushing that truth way down with drugs.  Alcohol is especially bad - the denial mechanism is the worst.

I'm in a rough spot right now - I crossed paths with a predator.  He basically destroyed my life in a manner of two days.  Money gone - car stolen, no phone,  he rendered me basically powerless - and I've been like this for going on three weeks.  It took 4-5 calls to the police to get them to  actually believe me.  He's in custody now and things are progressing - but man talk about people shuning you when something happens?  No one person will do anything for me -- like this was all my fault.  I can't say I can comprehend that kind of dysfunctional cognition.  Even what family I do have decided to talk to the  police instead of me.  How very sad.

I have to find the silver lining in this guys.  I must look for the rainbows.  If I don't find a way -- I think I'll loose what mind I have left.  I made some bad choices, but it doesn't make me a defective person.  I refuse to allow anyone to put that on me.  They can all walk away.  I'm a warrior - and I will survive, stronger than ever before.  My trust issues are not so good and I've been pretty angry - but in the last six months, all that has happened --- I'm quite sure it's in the realm of normalcy.   I have been trying to pray -- it's hard too because I'm so shut down.  God knows.  He's right here with me.

I will keep you posted as I can -- I have to figure out how to pay my bills according to how long it takes to get my account together.  Maybe no one really cares - and I'm writing for no reason but my own, but it's not my intent.  Just please be careful in this world --- it's full of vile, vile, predators - and if you are a kind person like me-- it's always open season--- and your Bambi.  

All will be well, because I believe that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  My faith grows stronger each and every day.  I do not harbor ill feelings for this man --- I've seen inside his heart - or what heart there is left.  I pray for him, and the enormity of the pain he is going to have to overcome-- that is if he so chooses.   I realize the things that he did, weren't personal.  I'm a big enough woman to not own that.  I think the most difficult piece is when humans hurt other humans because they can.  Being who I am, this I'll never comprehend.  I just don't want to - I don't have it in me.  I am real grateful for that and these facts I know to be truths about who Gina is.  The peace that I feel does not belong to anyone, circumstance, or thing outside myself in this world.  That right there?  Is priceless.  I'm strong, I'm loved, I"m favored, and I will rise again.  Praise my Father in heaven,  Jesus Christ.  He loves me even when I (and I do it daily)  miss the mark.

God Bless you and keep you all --- until next time.

This video --- should he find it, is for Anthony.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Accepted as You Are

I've not laid finger to this keyboard in some time.  In all reality -- I don't think that I have been truly honest with myself about everything that I have gone through.  Sometimes - it just seems impossible. I don't understand why people keep coming into my life to further abuse, steal, lie, and shatter my beliefs of the human spirit.  I really do not understand what it is that I am supposed to be learning here.  It is to me just more and more destruction, and I go further and further into depression - isolation and separation from God.  I have steadily been asking for what I need, but alas, it seems like as with the majority of my life -- I have no voice.  Not a voice that is being heard.

I am going to be very transparent with you all today - at risk of being judged.  I admit that this avenue, this method of communication helps me, and I truly hope that my journey somehow -- helps someone else, somehow.  I know that if I can struggle with these things, someone somewhere else, must be struggling with these issues as well.

Trust is one of my greatest issues.  After what took place with my therapist - as much as I hate to admit - an as crazy as it is to put in black and white-- I don't even now trust God.  Nor do I trust any human being.  I feel like this pawn that gets played, over and over -  in the game of life.  I have basically withdrawn from life itself.  I spend copious amounts of time alone - and although it disturbs me to a degree - for the most part -- I'm okay with it.  I don't even know that I have been allowing myself to feel things authentically as of late.  I did have a flash-back (and it was awful) a few weeks ago - and I have been trying to crawl out of this.  It was the first time that I have had one - that I was aware of at the time it was taking place.  It was surreal.  I am now 100% certain that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I never really accepted the fact fully - I kind of gleaned over the idea -- but I now know for certain.  The classic "fallout" behaviors have given way as well.  I have been relapsing on and off for weeks.  I am ashamed to admit that - but at least I am admitting it.  In all actuality with what I have been through -- it is no wonder.  I am barely holding myself together it seems - this is certainly how it feels.  For the most part --I have just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

I apologize that I am not being my usual hope-filled self - please know that it isn't my aim in any way to discourage anyone.  The reason that I share is so that if anyone is experiencing what I am - they will know that they are not alone in this world with their suffering.  Anyone at anytime is welcome to connect with me through this blog.  It's always been possible.  Also, if anyone knows my writing - you will know that there is no way I'm going to end on a negative without any hope of a way or ways to surmount said issues.  I will always uncover hope, recovery, and miracles from somewhere.

When trust is severed with someone that you have given so much admiration to -- and placed so much faith in -- there is a great crack in your foundation.  This is what I feel.  Broken.  Again.  Another human was grossly disloyal - and basically betrayed me.  I understand that I am not supposed and the key word here is "supposed" to place that much faith in humans - I certainly know this unequivocally now.  I understand that I have attachment issues -- all of these things play a part in unison.  However, on a much grander scale -- I am learning that being in this world - and of this world is not what God designed for us.  I am also learning that this isn't the easiest thing to comprehend, and understand.  I have sought wholeness, healing, and sought this through psychology since I went to treatment in 1986.  I was given a new way to live - and it has saved my life.  Of course I would cling to it - like nothing else.  When given the choice between death or life, I think the majority of us would do whatever we had to do to live.

The Father's ways, timing, and thoughts, are not the same as ours.  But I do know that we're given signs and lessons -- messages along the way.  I have been so hurt, and very disillusioned.  I don't always see that I reach for humans often before I reach out to Jesus.  This for me is a thorn in my side.  I know from where it originated, however, these thorns that we bear - are often deeply rooted and difficult to remove.  Because I did not grow up with a solid foundation - until I finish the work set before me (or at least I think) my search and seek for attachment to another human will be an automated response for me.  I have learned a great deal - I now know and can sit back - access my behavior with full knowledge of why I did what I did, yet unable to choose differently yet.  With everything in my heart - I know the day is coming.

I have been looking to the wrong source for wholeness.  I have been looking and believing that the standards of this world were the accurate measure of the perception of balance, as well as mental health.  My beloved Pastor of past - Paul White has often shared with  me that I needed to rest in the goodness of God - and let Him do the work - and I knew that this meant that I needed to stop trying to fix myself.  I think I finally get this.  I have been so hardwired with the psychological aspect of it all - it's going to take me a little bit of time to engulf this.  In all reality -- it is about letting go of control.  Something that most of us struggle with -- for the sheer fact that we want to be in the drivers seat of our lives.  I know I do -- but then with everything that has happened in the last 6 months -- Father God is surely showing me what I get when I am.

I surely hope that this resonates with someone.  I am such a do it all -- or give up,  person.  I don't have much middle ground.  I struggle to find that happy medium.  I think we all do.

I know I have gifts that the Father has given me.  I know in my heart that He has something for me to do that only I can do.  I want that more than I want life itself.  To be about my Father's business.  I desire to bear fruit more than anything else in my life.  Truly I do.  But I know that if I cannot manage my own life, Jesus is not going to use me in anyone else's.  It matters little to me if I play a small role, or if it is something that gets noticed, I just want to do what my Father designed me to do.

I love God.  With all my heart.  Please know this.  I'm the one who fails.  I'm imperfect.  These things, these matters -- of the mind, and of the heart -- He is perfectly aware of.  The Father knows of struggle -- His own people did not accept Him.  He was rejected, beaten, humiliated, and the ultimate - He died so that we may live.  I know that the struggles that I go through are for my ultimate good.  I know this because what man uses for evil - God uses for good.

I will get back up on my spiritual feet.  I ask for your prayers right now.  If you would grant me this.  Just know there isn't ever a time that we cannot come to the Father ---and begin anew.  Regain our walk with the Lord.  Know it wasn't Him who left us - but us who left Him, He is just waitng for us to return.  To the path.  It matters not what you've done.  I promise He's already heard it, and He knew you were going to do it before you did.

Thank you Father Jesus, for loving me while in my humanness I struggle to trust you.  I know more than anything in my life, You understand.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

We Heal

I feel inspired - and I haven't written in quite some time so I want to share with those of you that stop by - an anyone new that may happen to stumble onto my words.  I have actually been through so much it is difficult to even know where to start and what to share.  With the mind that I have, the one that hardly ever rests or takes a break - the thoughts usually tumble out pretty much on their own so we'll just see where the path takes us.   I truly hope that this finds everyone well, of sound mind, content of heart, and living a life of your choosing.

I have been on one hell of a journey as of late with a multitude of things to surmount.  I have been attempting as best I know how to heal from an experience that I never in a million years would have ever imagined would have happened in my life.  It's some of the deepest emotional pain that I think I have ever encountered, and I am still on a healings way.  Thank God, however, I can now finally begin to see the top of the water - and I am coming towards the surface.  I'm almost to the end of this horrific batch of experiences that for reason unbeknownst fully to me I have gone through.

I like to think of myself as a tad bit of a wordsmith -- yet an I find difficulty summoning the vocabulary to express what I have endured.  I want to share because I always have the hope that just maybe my experience frees someone a little, helps them understand, or lightens their load -- or simply allows one to feel less alone or separate in this big world.  It's the whole aim in why I share my life.  This isn't about me folks - I am certainly no one special.  It's my hope I extend.  I know that the hope I hold is extraordinary, because of God.  I wish to give of this.    

We all go through passages, rough spots, seasons and trials -- etc. that we don't understand, and cannot make sense of.  What I have just been through was something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams.  It actually should have never happened - from an ethical standpoint.  One never imagines being hurt by those that are designed to heal.  Let me tell you when it happens - it's shocking, and if you had the circumstances I did - the pain will rip you to your core.  As I sit here now in hindsight - I'm not really sure how I got through it without becoming suicidal.  Oh, don't get me wrong I did not particularly care if I lived or died -- but I didn't reach the planning of my demise stage.  This is different for me.  I'm grateful - ever grateful.  I did, however, loose copious amounts of all forms of trust.  The process in which had, on one hand,  helped me heal - in turn, walked away without word one --- and in so doing, ripped my heart out.  

I felt the emotional and mental anguish of every last morsel of it too.  No closure of any kind.  As my guts (sorry) lay outside my body - my heart removed, and I wasn't  given any kind of explanation - even when I begged for answers.  Given no replacement -  well with exception of someone I had already had contact with - but it was not what I needed.  I wasn't asked what I needed.  

Anyways, I don't want to get stuck on that -- just to fill in the gaps.  I also Oh my goodness --- and this was excruciating... had an insurance issue around the first of the new year and could not get some medication that I have to have.  I have shared that I have and live with chronic pain.  Well, I was forced to go through full-fledged withdrawal from my pain meds.  I thought before it was over- it was a horrifying 5 days of sheer hell on earth - I was going to lose my mind.  Having to deal with the symptoms of the withdrawal itself from the meds was bad enough - but I had not experienced the full-blown pain that I have in over six years I think, and the neuropathy in my legs has gotten so out of control.  It was a living nightmare.  I don't know that I have ever been so grateful for my medication.  I was able to get to the clinic earlier than I was scheduled - thank God - because I had already been to the ER three times and they literally did NOTHING.  No compassion, what so ever.  This country, people have abused medication so badly --- and this angers me so ---- that someone with my medical issues cannot even get treatment.  It appalling!!!  So I'm sorry to say but I ended up going the natural route --- I don't even care - I had to do something or I was going to go insane.  I laid and writhed in agony for 5 days with pain levels of 12+ and it would have been utterly unbearable for the average person my pain tolerance is extraordinary.  I couldn't handle it.   NOR should I have had to.  

SO, my friends, I have had a quite lovely time lately.  Alas, I've grown.  Yet - still - I AM stronger.  

So these things, this rift in my existence has been well, it is so hard to even utter.  I pushed God away --- you know like we do when we really need Him.  OH, I would talk to Him here and there- and He is always in my heart.  Always. He is and will always reside in my being.  I just stopped doing the things which draw me near Him, strengthen my faith, and help hold me up.  And this is so mystifying to me.  I abandon Him when I need Him the most. I guess it was the breach of the trust I went through -- I am not completely certain.  I thought I had gotten a bit better at this, however, eventually not.  But you know -- I don't know how anyone could have dealt with abandonment so brutal like I went through and did anything different.  I'm being completely forthright when I say that event almost broke my spirit.  If I had given in --- I would not be here right now.  Oh, I have messed up - and I'm still not on the right path -- but I'll tell you one thing,  I am doing the best that I can do with what I have been through.  And I am not ashamed.  I refuse to feel bad for the coping measures that I have used.  I should have NEVER been put through the ravages of emotional turmoil that I endured.  

Anyways, I am getting better each and every day and I will rise up and I will utilize each and every last ounce of pain, trauma, grief, betrayal for my strength to become the woman that God designed me to be.  Goodness forgive the grammatical mistakes there folks.  LOL It sounded good in my head!!! 

I am crying less and less.  I am processing information better.  I am feeling less burdened and happier again.  The emotional load has lightened.  I am talking to God/Jesus again.  I am finally beginning to let go of the thing that haunts me the most--- and that's the need for information.  See, I have such an analytical "need to understand" mind.  It's not so much a matter of why -  I know this doesn't solve or really change anything.  I also get that understanding does not bring peace.  I still get stuck in wanting information.  This time no one is saying anything.  This is also where my faith has got to come in.  God's ways are not my ways.  His understanding is beyond my comprehension.  The only choice I have really been given is to accept.  But let me tell you now --- this one was and is -- really hard to swallow.  I am a creature who screams for a deep need for justice in my life, and the people I love.  My father began telling me at a very young age, "life isn't fair."  He tried his absolute best... but I'd say, "Awe dad!"  I had a hard time with it.  Treatment helped and A.A. brought it home.  I get it now.  

I apologize this has gotten so long.  I have got a nice ending though!! I appreciate those of you that read all the way to the end more than you know.  This blog, and my contributions to Quora - are what I can do with what I have to offer right now.  At least in all humility - I offer what I do have and that is my experience.  

We can and we do heal.  It does not happen by accident, however.  It takes work.  It takes focused, persistent, determined, raw, courage.  Sometimes it will seem like it is bigger than you - depending on what you have encountered, or lived through.  Do not let fear lie to you.  Fear is a liar.  We cannot and must not believe all of our own thoughts.  We mustn't.  Depending upon your path -- chances are you're going to need a higher power, something outside yourself of a spiritual nature that is much, much, more powerful than you are.  Also, you will want to have a good relationship with that power.  I really don't know of anyone that has ever been able to achieve true lasting change without it.  I've worked with many, many people when I was counseling.  It is just imperative that we believe in something (and not another human) outside of ourselves.  You all know that for me it is Jesus.  I am not religious, at all - I have a relationship with Him.  I make mistakes every day -- but He knew it before I did it.  His compassion is beyond our comprehension.  

I feel hopeful right now and I am so grateful I have this outlet.  I pray something I share motivates or strengthens at least one person.  That is my prayer.  

Please if you will - listen to this song.  God gave it to me today.  It's amazing.  I was so ecstatic to share it with you guys.  I found so much hope in it.  I hope you do as well.  Thank you again, for reading my words.  Be blessed beyond measure until we meet again.  Please remember - when you're at your most devastated, you are so close to healing.  Never give up.  Never! There are always options if we seek them out.  Humans are survivalists.  Your darkest day is right before the dawn.  
God Bless!   

I love it SO MUCH!!!

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Extraction of Thought

 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.

I feel exhilarated at this moment.  I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet.  This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010.  I do not admit that light of heart.  My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process.  Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life.  From this moment on.  I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all.  It is extremely difficult for my psyche.  I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it.  I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions.  I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.   I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I  have good intentions.  I'm probably rambling.  Forgive me.  I've much on my mind.

If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing.  It literally explodes in coming to life.  I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it.  It's very true.  Change often brings chaos.  We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being.  I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear.  Vulnerability will raise its ugly head.  It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't.  Change can often be so daunting- even good change.  All of it produces stress.  We are such creatures of habit.  Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt.  Mine do.  I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses.  Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change.  It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing.  Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?"  We distrust our own choices and have second doubts.   We actually fight our own intuition.    This is our ultimate inner guide.  But what do we do?  Distrust it.   What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me.  Could there be anything MORE ACCURATE???   For crying out loud.

My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing."  It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior.   The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this.  That is crazy.  But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here.  The is totally where free will rubber hits the road.  We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why.  Or what we decide not to do or with whom.  I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me.  It's my choice.  I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it.  It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel.  They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever.  However, I can almost always detect other's emotions.  It's a gift that God gave me.   I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things.  I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift.  Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart.  Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away.  That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself.  Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart.  I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting.  It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal.  Somehow it cannot.  You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter.  The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs.  It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver.  I believe this.  It's really kind of scary.  But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal.  I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord.  However, I can affect its healing process.

I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me.  I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!!  I am coming back to center.  I feel it.  Things are going more in the right direction.  I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out.  But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do.  It was from my heart.  I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little.  I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did.  I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack.  That is what my Jesus would do.  I love every last thing about that.  With all my heart.  If it never comes back --- so be it.  I could care less.  I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did.  It wasn't even like me.  So I'm dealing with that behavior.  I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love.  This is incomprehensible to me.  Losing all self-awareness is frightening.  Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions???  There are no words.  Ineffable. Unexcusable.

I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback.  I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out.  Do You?  I always have.  It started with good old mom.  But you know what?  I fired the whole lot of them!  Gave them the rest of their lives off.  I don't need them anymore.  Actually never did.   Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that.  No, indeed.  My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right.  Therein lies the humble in humility.  That I like.  There is no big me, little anybody.

Forgive my feeblemindedness this time.  I did have a method to my madness.  I wanted to share about change.  I did.  I can tell we're close to a full moon.  It always kind of upsets my spirit.  I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon?   Who knows.  I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year.  I don't know how I feel about this just yet.  I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet.  I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless.  I am always hopeful.

I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora?  I have quite a reputation there now.  I have answered many, many questions.  I love it.  I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers?  They like my answers, they request my answers.  It's really cool.  Go and check out my profile if you'd like.  Ask a question - if you want.  You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone.  I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that.  OH!!  I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers.   I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times.  Who'd a thunk it?  Little ole me.  Life is amazing - most of the time!!!  Live it, give it your best shot.

This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018.  This is my girl and this is my song.  It's not just for me,  let it empower us all.  


Happy New Years!! 
Please Be Safe 
Talk to you soon,