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Pray When it Hurts the Most.

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It's been a little while since I've written.  Much has transpired.  There is just no way that I can communicate everything - but I will certainly attempt to hit the high points... and those things that have been most meaningful for me.  I do this in hopes that I can impart something of value to you...through my experience.  This is my prayer.

I've still been in a deep place of what feels like a devastating "draught", a lack of human companionship up until these last few days.  Despite my attempting to initiate some volunteer opportunities, other than those that are paid to interact with me, I have had little contact with people.  I have been to a few places, the V.A., the library, and a nursing home close to me - in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position, with no luck.  I did get a response from the nursing home, but I got sick and couldn't go - and of course I felt bad, and didn't go back.  I need to reconnect with the woman that I saw, because there…

To the Table

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Zach Williams "To the Table"

I"m really down today - I'm not sure why - having a hard time just getting around, but as I do - God's music motivates me.  I really wanted to share this one with all of you.  Zach has really impacted me these last few months.  As I've struggled, in my christianity - and my addiction, feelings of worthiness - and my attempts to feel whole.  I think we all grapple with wanting to be "normal" what ever that really is.  But for me, the days --- not much unlike today, when I crawl out of bed and I'm in so much pain that my only motivating thoughts are to "get meds"... it doesn't make for a real great day.  It has me feeling weak, dependent, and small.  When I allow myself to ponder all of the physical things that I am battling, depression really sets in.  I have to fight it with every breath.

I do have to work harder than the average person to motivate myself to do most things.  Even to do something as s…

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if …

Intellect's Betrayal

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I see my Doctor today and I've much on my mind.  He dropped the bomb on me last week, and I've got several decisions to make.  I've since discovered that I'm pretty sure I am a victim of identity theft.  I cannot even get into my own credit report.  It was asking me about a mortgage - and I don't own a house? So I'm pretty freaked out.  I was extremely anxious yesterday, not sure what to do - I tried to contact equifax, to no avail. I'll figure something out, still but man does my stomach hurt.  I could totally use prayer right  now.  

At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent.  I want to make that loud and clear.  However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now.  I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month.  It feels ugly, sick, and awful.  I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself u…

As Reality Sets In

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On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind.  I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life.  Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.  
I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose.  I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work.  I loved most everything that I did.  I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes.  That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life.  When I lost this, I lost my purpose.  Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift.  I grieve.  
When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist.  My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you&…

Addiction, Denial & Hope.

I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start.  Sorry it has been so long between posts.  I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions.  It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess.  We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering.  I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal.  The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy.  Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict.  Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas.  It's all or nothing.  This is not reality -- because life is full of cho…

On My Mind

Addendum  I'm going to publish this mainly because I truly believe in it's content --- even though it's a post from last week.  Things have transpired and I did get some help from some dear friends --- that I cherish.  However, I've had much thought, and I've processed things almost incessantly.  My depression has somewhat subsided, I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  When you feel so alone in the world  - a world that feels cold, detached, and uncaring, it's a devastating feeling.  I know some of you can relate.  Missing loved ones, spending holidays by yourself, and being broke to boot - feels like hitting a bottom where hope is concerned.  I made it through, of course  but not without pain.  I don't like emotional pain.  Who does?  But I had to ask myself many questions, and I did not like some of them.  I did not like it because some of them were in regards to my being angry with myself.  Those kinds of queries are never easy to ad…