Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hello and welcome to my new home!!!

Hello!!!! I apologize for taking such a long hiatus from writing!  Much has transpired.  Obviously I am now in a new home.  A miracle has taken place...a much prayed for miracle.  Despite my failings, (and I fail daily) God in is ineffable mercy has blessed me beyond measure.  I am in a brand new apartment - with much lower rent.  It will take a little time, but financially things will be much, much, better.

I have been ill.  My right kidney and my liver has some spots on it... and I'm getting that checked out but I had a few months of mind-blowing pain.  I had great difficulty with the medical community - and I find that many other's at this time are having problems with medical things also.... so at least I don't feel alone.  I had one physician never call about the results of a test that he ordered... which to me is just unacceptable.  I find our medical community is really substandard at best these days.  They want high dollar, but don't give the same in service.  Anyway.....that's been my experience as of late.

I've returned to Midland church, which is home.  It feels great to be worshiping again.  I really don't know why I ever stopped other than I needed to process the loss of Pastor.  I'm in a much better place with that than I've ever been.  Loosing someone that means so much to you - deserves time.  Give yourself what you need in life.

I have a new therapist.  I am still working my way to break free from my past.  I just want those of you that do follow my blog to know that I'm not going to do this the rest of my life.  It seems that the affects of the relationship that I had with my Mother is the taproot of a great deal of my "self-talk".  I am still in process of learning how to nurture myself - and it's not been the easiest of ventures.  I have a therapist now that nails me when I say derogatory things about myself or pertaining to myself, he just won't allow me to do it.  Oft times, I do not even know I'm speaking negatively, it's so ingrained into my psyche.  When all you've heard growing up is how stupid you are, it tends to stick.  Most of what damaged me in the dealings with my mother were her behaviors.  I was a very sensitive child, probably too much so.  I did not need punishment many times, because I would cry when she looked at me.  I "felt" her disappointment and disapproval.  I think sometimes that is worse than the latter.  I felt every bit of disgruntled feelings she had towards me, and I knew at a very young age that she did not love me.  I have a highly developed intuition.  I did even as a child.  I sensed things about people, who was safe and who was not.  I believe this is why I cannot remember - my brain protected me.  I am highly grateful.  There was a time that I tried to recall, I was hypnotized twice in college trying to recall my childhood - but it was unsuccessful both times.  I thank God for that.

I am currently working on understanding my limits with pain.  I have a tendency to over do  - and then suffer the consequences.  This is unhealthy.  I think to some degree I am not accepting my disability.  I mean who would want to?  It takes guts to admit ways in which you are vulnerable in any circumstance.  I thought I had the ability to be vulnerable - but I suppose there are always levels in which we don't want to go and this is one for me.  It makes me feel weak, and powerless.  As many  opportunities as I've had to experience powerlessness, one would think that I'd be used to it by now - but I'm just not.  It's not a comfortable feeling, I don't think for anyone.  Knowing that you are or have reached your limit and there is nothing further that you can do -- most of the time just feels helpless, and who on earth wants to feel that?  It feels lazy at times, and I'm far from lazy.  I suppose it has all sorts of connotations that aren't necessarily positive and this is hard.  I'm working on trying to be gentle with myself, and honor my body.  It's a work in progress.

The loneliness has finally abated for now.  I've had two rather large shopping spree's.  That's what I do when I feel totally alone in this world.  Alone, bored, and itching for something, someone, or some feeling to fill that huge void.  You all know what I'm talking about - that place where the grass is always greener, dropping everything and just getting in the car to destinations unknown?  That place where everything would be alright if we could just walk away from our troubles.  Well, when I shop - I go to that very place.  It's new, bright, shinny, and has nothing to do with now.  When I order online - I have something to look forward to, and when I get to go to a store, I'm lost in the moment (which sometimes last hours)... and then when I get the purchases home, I carry the feeling through because I have new things.  It's a straight up addiction for me.  I go into a kind of mode, my heart races, and my thinking changes.  I'm aware, but I don't want to be - and I don't listen to the opposing voice of reason.  I know that the voice of reason for me is the holy spirit.  I'm always sorry that I did not listen.  Especially because I know that it is the holy spirit, because it is trying to protect me.  Always to protect, guide, and instruct, and uphold truth.

I've been so busy lately with the move and all but I've gotten back into reading my Bible again.  For me, reading scriptures brings me back to my days with Pastor Paul - and the truth about my Jesus.  I love the living word and how it speaks to me.  I love how God will help me find passages that touch my heart and feed my soul right when I need them.  God is so amazing like that.  It blows my mind that I am still learning from the four years that I studied under Pastor Paul.  How blessed I am to have had his teaching for the time that I did.  It is just beyond words.  I will be grateful the rest of my life for that time at Midland.  It was truly a gift from God.

This apartment is a gift from God.  I've got a lot of things going on.... but alas, everything will work out.  I'm getting on a budget to try and fix this mess I've made - and I will do it with God's help.  I've got appointments to find out what these spots are on my kidneys and liver (scary) but it will all work out.  I have no doubt that God's got me.  I'm not going to work for awhile unless this really neat thing that's in the works - comes through - and I'm going to focus on some volunteer work.  I love doing volunteer work.  It's so rewarding, and the relationships that you make are extraordinary.  I might work with children this time.  I'm not certain just yet.

Whatever comes next will be a blessing.  This is my hope for you too.  That what ever you are dealing with that you have someone or something in you life that brings you joy.  This world is hard enough.  We need joy.  We need peace.  Most of all we need something or someone that we can call on outside of ourselves that is bigger than we are for our hope.  For me this is Christ.  It can be anything you need it to be.  However it's important that we believe in something or else life just gets to be too much.  I hope you have that.  I don't know what I'd do without God.  Being such an addictive type person - I believe I'd be deceased already.  Especially with both my parents being gone.  It's almost impossible out here alone.

So I wish you hope, peace, and health.  I hope you come back and join me.  We're all in this together - Grace, Peace, and many blessings from my new home!!!    

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Blessings beyond the pain.

It's been quite awhile since I've written.  Many things have transpired.  My stent has been removed from my kidney - and there's some post pain - but nothing like I've had.  I thing all together I had six ER visits throughout the ordeal.  Plus, my boss politely, (and I say that kindly) as I got my nails done, let me go...stating that I just wasn't able to do the job.  This was a total switch from his telling me to completely heal 100% prior to returning to work, as though he was actually concerned for my wellbeing.  I'd went in to retrieve my very small pay, and get my nails done - and although my nail services had been being free..... he charged me, leaving me with a whopping $12.00.  How kind of him.....  I was really shocked, and somewhat dismayed.  I suppose - such is life.  So here I am, on the mend with no employment and so little money it is actually funny.  Yet, I'm feeling so much better emotionally - I have faith that everything will be just dandy.

I've made a new male friend that I don't believe that I've mentioned - and he has been a godsend.  Sort of like the brother I never had, only much better - he's been there when no one else has - and most definitely shown me that he is a tried and true friend.  He's waited hours for me at the emergency room, actually took me to surgery - and brought me home, and all with brilliant valor.  He's a friend like I've not had in quite sometime - and I adore him for his character and integrity.  God works in mysterious ways..... His wonders never cease.  I am so grateful for this relationship - I cannot even put it into words.  He does what he does purely out of the goodness of his heart.  He's helped me restore faith in mankind.  God knew.....

I've also reconnected with someone that I never thought that I would - which I once loved with all of my heart.  It's a story like no other and it seems like for whatever reason that it's now not at it's end.  Now whether or not this goes no further than a strong friendship or becomes something more -- I am deeply pleased.  I thought that I'd lost all contact with this man, forever.  Matter of fact the things that I "thought" -- as per my sometimes dysfunctional thinking do not serve me well.  However, I am learning.  Praise God!!!  I am captivated by how God works in my life, and so often in such a subtle, gentle manifestations.  This is the glory of the Father -- to do the impossible.  What I mean by this is that I'd gotten on an internet dating application.  Mostly for fun, and out of sheer boredom.  This is how my beloved friend and I reconnected..... except he says that I sent him a message - but I did not.  I couldn't have because he isn't in my contacts to do so.  I believe this was a divine intervention.  He would say that I'm loony - but I know what I know.....  now we have plans to reunite, and this makes me enormously happy.  

I have also reconnected with a dear female friend and it has just been delightful.  She is one of the most generous, kind, giving, authentic women that I have known in quite some time.  We've been having a splendid time together.  Last Sunday - I had several friends in my home, and my phone actually rings and dings with messages, calls from people that are in my life.  God has answered my prayers.  Even though I've not really been able to deeply pray lately other than to praise Him, even in this awful pain - He's answering my prayers!  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and doing so beautifully.  Although I've not been to church, nor am I a consistent reader of the word (not that I'm advocating these things) - but I truly believe it's about a state of the heart.  Not that one's heart has to be 100% pure either, because I have my demons, just like everyone.  But, God is life - beauty, and for me, He's in the quest for wholeness.  He knows the desires of my heart and He has heard my prayers.  He's heard me praise Him for all things, even the most basic things - even in the depths of my despair.  His love is so vast that it commands my attention despite my human trust issues....of which I am not proud.  He understands it.  He understands all.  

I do not have the connection that I did when I was at Midland Church - albeit God is still with me just as strong.  I miss my church immensely - but God is still at the center of my life.  As Paul White used to tell us, "God isn't in this building... He's in your heart."  I've always known that in my head, but praise Jesus, I'm finally beginning to conceive that in my heart.  This is where it needs reside.  

Don't ever doubt that God is for you and not against you.  He hears your prayers, even when you cannot utter a word.  The Holy Spirit intercedes for you - and makes your requests be known and I believe sometimes that's our best communication with God, when there just aren't words.  When the heart speaks, I believe  people as well as God, listen.  It's hard to grasp during those deeply pain-filled moments, but God is ever so near us.  Our torment is His.  If we can just learn to give it to Him.  This is one of my greatest weaknesses, the pain sucks me into it, and away from God, but I am learning.  Ask for the Father to deliver you... because He will, each and every time.  It may not be the way you think it should go -- but I tell you He will transform your life.  Pain always transforms us.  All we have to do is feel the pain, and trust the Lord.  Praise Him anyway, hold on and see what happens.  It doesn't even take great faith, for we all falter at times when we're hurting.  Just try and remember what man uses for evil, God will use for His good.  

And always, always --- have hope.  God will make something beautiful out of your suffering.     

Monday, May 9, 2016

Lost lives.

I have mixed emotions today.  This has always been a difficult day for me -- having had the childhood that I had.  I realize that I won't be anyone's favorite when I admit that I really dislike Mother's day.  For me, it evokes much distain.  Having had a mother that was mentally ill, cruel, and with such a duality - as much as I wish it hadn't; my mother affected my life quite adversely.  I've never liked Mother's day.  I'd search for hours sometimes trying to find a damn card that said anything near the truth to our flimsy relationship - in all reality it was a love - hate one at best.  Hallmark doesn't really make cards that requite those feelings.  "Dear Mom, I love you --- despite the fact that I have HUGE amounts of time that I can't recall or remember due to your demonic character......"  Those aren't sold on the shelves.  It was a complex relationship at best, I did love her, it was just "scary" love.  Love filled with fear.  As hard as I try,  pray, read, weep, the fear in love or connection with people is still there.  There's few that I trust, even fewer that I let know me, and when I do - it's a double edged sword.  This is what love was for me, it always seemed to hurt somehow.

I've been in incredible pain.  This along with the pain that I live with on a daily basis has just about put me over the edge.  I had a kidney stone obstruction that went on for about 12-14 days.  I finally had surgery last week.  I still have a kidney full of stones.  They kept telling me it wasn't obstructed, and I knew better.  They wouldn't pass.  I was in agonizing pain,  One of my friends after a misunderstanding with another friend... in which I'd hoped for support with, actually told me to get off my pity party.  Needless to say her and I are not friends anymore.  She seemed to think that she understood my pain.  I cannot imagine saying something like that to a matter what the circumstances.  She said that being supportive of me what a challenge.  That's interesting.  I found this very interesting.  Of course people come to you through the veil of their own pain - emotional and spiritual.  I guess in all actuality I shouldn't have expected anything more.

It's been a long time since I've thought about expectations and the problems that they bring.  I used to be very good at not having them.  That was back in my A.A. days - for it's one of their philosophies.  The less you expect the better off you are.  I lost someone else this week that I fully know was a result of my relationship, and it's affects with my mother.  When I begin to get close to someone, especially a man, I panic.  I get frightened on a level that I'm not even aware.  My mind races, and I get out of control.  I've lost several people like this... and it is part of the root of my anxiety.  He too, just disappeared.  I don't get a chance to explain  - and really after the way that I behave sometimes, why should they let me explain?  It's a pretty unattractive trait.  I wish I knew the answer to getting to the root of this.  This is exactly what I've prayed for God to heal.  You see, I had begun to care for this man, and that's when it happens, when someone starts to get close.  I suppose awareness is half the battle, however I'm getting really tired of looking at this dysfunction of mine and not knowing what to do with it.

We all have our stuff.  Some of us have more stuff than others.... but we all have it.  Even this guy - he has stuff.  None of us are perfect.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me,  he didn't think it would work out.  He just stopped talking to me.  Men are great at that.

So the numbers keep racking up of the people that I've lost.  It's never easy.  I keep wondering when I'm going to learn this lesson, and I keep praying for healing.  Actually I haven't really been able to pray here lately.  I'm sort of numb.  When I screw up and I know it's my fault like with the guy - and I know it's my childhood dysfunction -- it makes me really sad.  I get depressed.  I've been depressed, in horrible pain and out of touch with God.  I hate this fear that I feel.  I wish fear didn't exist.  Oh, I've read all the books, and I've done the work, but I still have it.  The only way that I truly believe that I'll ever get over it is for someone to love me through it.  Someone that is strong enough to see past it.  I don't know if there is that person alive.  I pray there is, I pray.  Someone that won't abandon me when it gets tough.  Someone that see's my scars and can still love me.  I realize that this is a tall order - and maybe I'm hoping for too much, but I truly believe this is the only way that I'm going to heal.  Love heals, unconditional love.  I know of it, I try my best to give it to my friends, and it's what my father taught me.  I thank God for my father, for with out him - I don't think I would have survived.

As I approach the anniversary of my Dad's death - once again, I reflect on his character.  Dad was a wonderful man.  A true man of integrity.  My whole aim in life is to be his daughter, and carry on his legacy.  It is very hard to be all the things that he was in today's society.  I fail miserably often times, yet I pick myself up.  I write so that others may know that they are not alone in life's struggles.  Hopefully, that somewhere, somehow, we're all in this together.  Shared experience makes for lesson's learned - hopefully.  As I've shared throughout these four years, I've hit bottom many times, yet here I am.  There is always hope.  God is our hope.  He is our guiding light in an ever present darkness.  I'll find my way through this dysfunctional behavior somehow, with His help.  He will answer my prayers - for He always does.  Sometimes the weeding out of people is necessary.  I don't always like it - but God know's best.  I believe my healing is coming --- and I'm going to stand in that truth.  God has brought me to far for me to live my life in this kind of hell.  I don't like hurting people, it kills me.  No more then I like being hurt.  It's just not what God intended.  I just have to have faith, and hang on.  And so do you......hope springs eternal, Jesus is our healer.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Hope in Healing.

I had an epiphany yesterday... as I read my bible and pondered many things.  My life feeling quite broken and empty.  Life has been full of pain and confusion - fear and mistrust, I found a glimmer of hope inside my prayers as I finished my morning's activities.  If when attempting to heal, you're just bombarded by more and more problems instead of answers, it isn't a healing's way.  I had been following a woman's work about being a damaged daughter, and the depth of the carnage continued to pile up.  I continued to seek answers for my wounds - and there seemed to be none.  Not concrete answers anyway -- every-time I turned around there were further posts on damage, but no real cure... I had begun to over identify with the wounds.  I will not be a "wounded woman"... for I have overcome far too much in my life, and I serve God of the Most High - and my beliefs are not in alignment with this vein of thought.  Again, my intellect is my own worst enemy.  I began to pray for relief ---- Father God, relieve me of my humanness..... and heal my wounds as only You can.... In Jesus precious name.

I've struggled with my issues from/with my Mom my whole life.  It had become an identity and I wasn't even aware.  Oh how we can let things take ahold of us, and not even realize and here I had this woman telling me that I was HARD wired in my brain to act, think, and react a certain way because of my Mom.  It may be true, but I cannot eat, live, breathe, that.  Yes, I have problems but I also know that I have a LIVING Savior who IS SEATED besides the right hand of God.  I'd gotten lost somewhere in this deal thinking that I had to do the work.  Oh my goodness.  How foolish I am.  My brain.  My overactive, "I'll fix it", workaholic, "I got this", over functioning, brain.  Like a sheep awaiting slaughter I was.  Oh I'm a trooper alright, but a foolish one.  When I actually think of this -- this enlightenment was an answer to a prayer.  God is my healer.  It's already FINISHED.  My healing was done 2000 years ago at Calvary.

It's been an interesting week thus far, I'm still passing kidney stones - or NOT passing - they are stuck. I'm still out of work, and nothing I can do about it.  This down time was needed.  I'm realizing how cruel people can be.  People can and will say anything with the help of social media.  They will say what they would never say to you to your face.  I hate this culture that we have now.  It is hard to trust.  People all have their own limited views of who you are, and there isn't anything that you can do about it.  People's perception of you is, nine times out of ten, not what you think.  People will go off on you with out provocation, and without hesitation.  They see you through there own lens of disfunction - and pain.  I guess in all reality how else could they see you.  I thank God I've been taught to see things with objectivity.  It's a pain on pain world.  If you've possibly hurt them, they'll die trying to hurt you back.

It really seems like God is directing me to live my life without the aid of other people.  Seriously.   My life continues to be narrowed down more and more to a mere nothingness.  I could disappear and no one would be privy.   That's ok, there is a reason this is happening.  If I am to retreat into myself and God that much, I will be ok.  If God is to be my everything, then so be it.  I will make do just fine.  Apostle Paul went through much worse than I'm going through.  So did Jesus.  Not that I'm comparing in any way... but to have very little human contact is hard and can be quite distressing at times especially for a chronic pain person.  There are things I can do.  It should prove to be an interesting summer.  I will be grateful for what I have, and rejoice in the answers that God has provided, because I believe that people always show their true colors.  God will reveal, always.  Any friend that talks about her other friends behind their backs, will talk about you behind your back.  Remember that.

I have surgery on the 4th of May.  I'll be good as new and my life will return as normal... whatever that is.  I'm going to stand fast in the Lord and read God's word for healing and restoration.  My intellect is my enemy.  My healing is in Christ.  When I can remember to yoke up with Him, every single issue in my life is solved.  It doesn't make things perfect, or me, by any means -- but it means I have answers where there were none and perfect answers.  I can live life in awe and wonder.... as it should be.  Having people in your life can be wonderful and devastating both at the same time sometimes.  Right now, I just need Jesus.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Present Pain.

I'm at a place that I don't know that I've been.  In attempting to deal with the issues of my childhood (my mother), my recent break-up, abandonment, silencing, my friends (so called) ignoring me, and the disrespect at my job.... I'm just about to snap.  I've been through many, many an ordeal in my life -- but how and why things are piling up quite the way that they are now is just almost more than I can effectively manage emotionally.  The amount of sheer will that it is taking to just get up and function is about to do me in.  It's taking a tole on me physically - I'm passing kidney stones, I have a sinus infection, and the fatigue with my fibromyalgia is horrific.  My depression is real fun too.  I must be right on the edge of major change, for all of this has brought a plethora of emotional pain.  There's anger too, which is even harder to control.  This is what frightens me, for I know I have rage.  Untapped rage.  I believe a lot of us do --- if we're honest.

The loss of this relationship has affected me deeply.  I have been unable to separate it from my thought for many weeks.  It's been consuming.  Even when I don't want to think about it, I do.  My mind steadily attempts to try and figure out what I don't understand... over and over.  It's getting better, but not with out increasing some of my medications.  The only way that I know how to explain this is that one some level, my soul knew this man's soul.  We just sinked.  Plus, for whatever reason, my intuition tells me that this isn't over yet.  Perhaps that is because it never ended... He did not end the relationship he just left.  He ran.  I asked for what I needed from him and he ran.  How validating is that?!  I was in shock for a few days, until the reality set in, only to find that he'd blocked me from his phone.  And he wasn't calling like he said he would -- typical male behavior, except I was deeply in love with this man.  Deeply.  I did not even realize how much until he left me.  There were days that I cried so hard I could not breathe.  The pain was horrific.  Although this wasn't a long term relationship I sensed something about this man the very first time that I saw him - before I actually met him.  My spirit knew his spirit.  Perhaps this is why he left, I will never know.  I do not know if he had another woman waiting, or if it was fear that made him run.  I do believe that he is in a relationship now though, however -- which to me is actually quite sad, but typical of men who don't deal with their issues.  He said that he couldn't give me what I needed, but (ahem) how about an attempt prior to running like mad?  I suppose some men just can't handle women that know what they need?

I thank God for my job, but it's been challenging as well.  I work for people from a different country.  For the most part it's ok.  My boss is very respectful and kind.  I don't know much about their culture and I suppose I might want to look into that so as not to offend anyone, but as of late, it seems that one of them certainly hasn't cared if she offended me.  She piles work on me, and wants all of it done in an impossible time frame.  Her husband is the "working" manager and my regular boss is on vacation... I'm sensing that she is upset with me about something.  She speaks very little english, so it is impossible to communicate with her.  She has been very rude to me on several occasions.  I almost walked out yesterday -- but I know that I need my job, so I bit my tongue.  However, I will not tolerate it much longer.  My boss will be back today.  Thank goodness.  It's interesting working with people of a different culture, most of them are really kind - but language is a huge barrier.  I just know that disrespect is universal... or at least it should be.

My friends, well they seem to think that it's perfectly fine to just ignore me when I try to communicate with them.  Several of them don't bother to answer their cell phones, don't reply to texts, for days!  I'm sorry, that's just plain rude.  If it had just been one person it might not be so bad, but 4-5 is just too much.  People are just damn rude nowadays.  People are so self-centered.  It's becoming a nasty world.  Even the people that you think care --- don't really.  I can count like two people in all of this earth that really give a crap.  That is sad.  Most folks care about as much as what they can get from you.

So - I've been in a awful depression.  I've been on autopilot most of the time because to be "live" is just too damn painful.  When I do get in touch with my pain, well it isn't pretty.  It's as if I'm getting a lot of evidence that I really don't matter.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe this is where I'm lost.  I've been lost ever since I lost Midland.  My church.  And again I'm at the presuppose that I'm not supposed to be "of this world".  This world only brings heartache.  Man am I there.  The worst?  I know better.  People will treat you however they like.  There's not really too much you can do about how they act.  But, I can overcome, and overcome is what I will do.  So what if people are being jerks, I don't have to be one.  This is what I love about writing - getting things outside of yourself helps you process... THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Jesus overcame the world, He was betrayed - beyond anything we could ever imagine.  We will never actually know that kind of suffering.  I know what I need to do, I've been under so much stress and emotional baggage that I've not been willing to make the effort to go to church.  The Sunday that I did, I felt better.  It wasn't Midland, but I was still there to worship.  It is hard when everything requires EFFORT.  I am beginning to see however, that the depth of this pain is going to bring me to an awesome place.  Immense pain always does.  I welcome it.  I embrace it.  I'm so ready for change. Yet, I know that change requires my participation.  I cannot sit and wallow in this murk, and hope it will get better.  I have to be a participating force in my own life.  Pain pulls me away from God and I know it... I call out to Him - but the pain pulls me back to it.  Pain is a definite faith tester.  Knowing it doesn't change how it feels either.  I'm doing what I usually do --- battling with my own intellect.  My greatest demon.  It cancels out everything Godly.  What a struggle, and humbly I admit --- how prideful.  It makes me feel just awful.  I've had to rely upon myself so much that I've just learned to set God to the side when the going gets really rough.  It's all about trust.  Man, that's hard to admit.  I know I'm not alone.  It helps me to know that my Savior understands and His mercy covers me.  He just knows.  He just understands.  For this, and so much more, I'm immensely grateful - even in this pain, for my life.  There's always beauty here.  If we can rise above our struggles and learn from them.  This isn't going to break me, even though it may feel like it - feelings are just feelings ... I'm securely in the palm of my Father's hand.

"The only real failure is the failure to grow from what we go through."  Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

In the blink of an eye.

So much has transpired, I hardly know where to begin.

Mostly what I want to convey is the pain that I feel and how vastly I am trying to understand the ability of humans to be so callused, cold, and detached.  How much control plays a part in relationships between a man and a woman.  I've never experienced it on this level.

I suppose I thought that I had the corner on family dysfunction...but for all intensive purposes, I know now that I am not alone.  When people walk out of your life and emotionally cut you off --- the pain is brutal. I've been here before.  No answers, no validation, no closure, no end in the attempt of the mind to process what just happened.  It searches for answers.  It can't but not.  Seek and search - that's what the brain does... endlessly.

People can come into our lives for all sorts of reasons.  For all sorts of seasons.  Sometimes it is hard to tell, and sometimes we have to wait for the answers.  Sometimes even when we ask for what we need in the best possible way that we know how --- be that right or wrong in someone else's eyes, we get rejected.  Rejection on any level is brutally painful and very devastating to our self-esteem, not even to mention our hearts, and our spirits.  It is exceedingly difficult to keep positive thought, care, and concern about the person that has abandoned - and or rejected us.  One would have to be a saint.  Rejection on any level is an ego-murder.  I've worked long and hard on my ego life, but yet, this has damaged me greatly.  For a person that has had as hard of a time learning to ask for what they need, to do so and be abandoned, this was horrific.

This experience has taught me.  This experience has brought me right back to the crux of innate human behavior an how truly cruel humans can be.  Without information, what else is left to speculate?  When another person denies all contact at the end of a close relationship there is nothing to do but speculate, and this I tell you is cruel.  All that is left to deduce is that humans are cruel and harsh.  It may not be the absolute truth - but it is my truth.

I have been in so much agony and pain in the wake of one human being.  I'm almost ashamed to say.  Yet I know that I haven't responded much different than anyone else would have done who cared about another person... I've attempted to communicate and seek closure.... but who wouldn't with such an event?  Being left high and dry leaves one emotionally bankrupt.  Women give, that's just what we do, and this time I gave it all.  I don't do that often - but for this man I did.

Of course I want to tear him to screeds.  However, I actually feel compassion for this individual.  Fear must dictate his every move.  I'm grateful I don't live like that. It wasn't wrong that I asked for what I needed, no the problem was that he couldn't give.  I'm sure it's perceived as I asked for too much, but I know better.  I know what it takes as a clinician for a relationship to function and thrive - and ours wasn't cutting it.  When I am really honest with myself, as much as I cared for him, I wasn't happy.  My needs weren't being met.  Of course it isn't always just about that - it goes both ways -- but if the other person doesn't speak for themselves, there isn't one single thing that will make the relationship work.  Hope will not make a good relationship work.  I'm high functioning and I know it.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I do my part, and then some - if I haven't already done the work, you can bet I'm aware that I'm in process.  I'm just open and not every one is.  Period.  Most folks don't even think about they're thinking. That is a FACT.

Life has been pretty brutal as of late.  Long days and difficult nights.  I started a new job and this has been stressful but good.  I thank God for it.  As my stress level rises I find myself as risk of addictive behaviors, and some not so great thinking that I have to stay on top of.  I could easily fall back into addictive behavior because I have been in such intense emotional pain.  I won't lie I've thought a lot about using.  I've used chemicals in my head.  It didn't help -- it never does.

I've been almost in constant prayer.  I've had to be.  I know that either God took this man out of my life, or I just don't have the answer yet.  I'm really trusting God to work this one out, because I'm incapable.  My answers have come from God.  God endured every emotion that we could ever in His time here on earth.  He overcame, and so shall I.  Nothing is too great for Him.  I've laid and cried and cried, and prayed and prayed.  I know that it doesn't fall on deaf ears.  I know that God counts my tears.  In all reality, I don' think that this man doesn't care, I really believe that he's just incapable of being with me.  For whatever reason, this is what he chose because it's easier for him.  Most people choose the easier route.  In all actuality this probably isn't about me at all --- most people are quite selfish.  This is a sad fact, but a fact no doubt.  His level of dysfunction is pretty high.  This is quite evident.  No matter the reason.

I've had the weirdest feeling that this isn't over, alas I suppose because there was really no end.  I do still have quite deep feelings for this man.  I understand why people do the things that they do.  It doesn't excuse the behavior however.  Nothing excuses that kind of cruelty.  I blamed myself for a while.  I stopped that.

God will answer my prayers.  He always does, and does so in amazing ways.  I do trust.  I am learning.  This is what I live for, to learn.  Nothing is ever a mistake, if we always learn.  What is this trying to teach me?  Just because you ask doesn't mean you get.  Relationships aren't always the answer.  Sometimes they're the problem.  In my loneliness I sought out something I thought I did not have... only to find it wasn't there.  God had it all the time.

 I still do not believe we are meant to be alone in this world.  Yet, there are those that just cannot give of themselves, or don't want to.  Maybe they just don't need.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Stark Reality.

It sort of shakes inside my frame.  This unsteady place that I've reached.  It's very uncomfortable to be here, matter of fact it feels quite unsafe.  Unstable.  A bit akin a cliff, an edge to some foreign place for me emotionally -- a state that I do not yet know.  It feels sharp, yet fresh because it is new but not without a great deal of fear.

As I delve deeper into the book, I am having all sorts of memories flood back from my childhood.  Things that I do not necessarily want to remember.  The times that I would hide.  I'd hide for hours on end, under the table, in the closet.  I was frightened, horribly by my own mother.  Mom was a Jekyll  and Hyde most of the time... I just never knew when was which, and who was going to show up.  I lived most of my childhood in terror.  I tried to anticipate her every mood -- staying astutely attuned to her as I possibly could as to not set her off.  Still one never knew.

It takes a great deal of courage, guts, and truth accepting to come to grips with the fact that your own mother was mentally ill.  I know that now.  I cannot tell you how this helps or doesn't?  And for whomever might stumble upon this and wonder why a person would even address such an issue?  Because I bleed when I'm cut, and this crap is hurting me.  The damage that this has done to my life -has formed patterns and adaptations which are controlling my life.  It's like a bad root.  I've got to get it out.

Insecurely (disorganized) attachment.  That's what this book is calling my relationship with my mother.

"Attachment:  A system of the inner brain that evolved to keep human children safe because of the length of time that it takes to reach maturity.  Attachment has three affects, first, it enables the child to seek proximity to the parent; second, to go to the parent for comfort in times of distress; third, to internalize the relationship with the mother as an internal model of a secure base."
Daniel J Siegel, M.D. , Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., Peg Streep, Mean Mothers - Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.

So it's no wonder that I don't remember - these connections begin at birth.  This astounds me.  I literally do not know how to feel, or how to try and comprehend this.  All that I do know folks is that I've spent $1400.00 in two weeks.  Every addictive behavior that I have is screaming.  I do not want to accept this.  I've replicated these relationships over and over.  It's basically how my mind is hard wired.  I had a friend of mine breakdown the other night, sitting right here in the other chair in my office.  I had hurt her with  my disapproval/intolerance.  My internal "nail people to the wall",  because I can - had gotten the best of her.  It is a new friendship and I stay on her all the time.  I was somewhat aware of it, but I had no idea that I'd hurt her so.  Of course it makes me fell horrible.  It is as if I cannot control myself -- I have something akin to an inner Hitler - at times.  I think I have worked so hard to become my own person (too hard) that I push people so far away from me when they begin to get close..... To be transparently honest -- I don't think I  even know how deep this junk runs.  Sometimes, often times, it doesn't feel safe inside my own mind.... alone.  It just makes me wonder --- if anyone else has ever felt like this.

God Help me if I  make it out of this alive.  That's what my brain/heart thinks but I know that this is a lie.  I'll survive, and surpass it.  If I weren't up for this task, God would not have brought me here.  I don't know where this comes from inside me, but recent prayer - but it's in my mind.

Insecurity attached is anxious, ambivalent, and disorganized in nature -- but mine goes further than that -- since I had to reach for my mother and she as the abuser emotionally - I had to  go the the very thing that was the source of my terror to attempt (but not achieve) resolution.  I just thank God that she didn't physically abuse me, for this I'm grateful.  

My actual status is disorganized attachment - which is the worst of the three different categories.  It is difficult, especially with all that is going on in my emotions to try and explain what all is being communicated in Ms. Streep's book.  Please bear with me.  I'm trying my best right now to get this outside of me and make some sense of it.  I'll be real glad when I reach the part where we get into the recovery section instead of the depth of the destruction.

Yes, I am in therapy -- never to fear.  I'd never attempt to do something like this alone.  The other six days a week are what's hard.... because I have such an inner defiant  little girl.  I will do what I'm going to  do at all costs.  I'll shop until I have 3$ in my account.  Spend every penny.   The totally sad part is that part of me doesn't care, but a larger part does.... so the damn struggle begins.   Of course Ive discovered that you cannot just talk to anyone about this kind of work.  Some people wouldn't do  it if they were drowning.  I cannot keep from doing it...I'm so miserable.  I've always been a search and seek person - I guess those of us that felt like we were unloved, out of place, different, and strange just do that.  Chemicals have always been the only thing that has ever made me feel normal when I was younger -- and they (even though they don't work) still are old coping mechanisms.  Even the shopping gives me brain chemicals - it's an avoidance behavior.  So is sex, sleep -- eating.  The brain doesn't fail us - we get the goodies.

Ok now here is where I have to end this thing and find a solution to how I feel and this is going to be a difficult accusation this time people.  Well if I had to start with what first emerged from my mind, it's that I will make it through this - victorious.  I did not post that image for grins and giggles.  My track record with the Father is 100%.  I've so-far made it through every single nasty ordeal that life has presented me.  I have facts of this. I should not even be here people.  I've caught myself on fire.  This is just ONE debacle that I'be been through with my addictions. I lost quite a bit of hair, but otherwise I was okay - I woke up.  Talk about being humiliated. People laughed at me, literally.  I've fell asleep (nodded) absolutely everywhere... even in church.  When you do it, you don't realize what you're doing.  It's mortified me the very day when I watched Intervention, and I saw a woman strung out on Percocette - and she nodded too.  I cried like a baby -- full well knowing that this was me.   It was like God holding up a mirror to my face, and it changed my life.  I'll write more about what pain will do to you at another time, but it is relentless- some types and it will eat you alive.  Emotional and physical if you do not deal with it.  That has been the experience of my life.

So - I forge ahead.  So I'm the worst of the three attachments.  Oh well.  For some reason - it made me think that I had or must have a wonderful crown coming.  Don't ask me where that came from.  I feel more hopeful getting this outside of my head.  My mind and my body want to heal.  Healing is the most natural and perfect process of the body.  It is abnormal to not evolve.  It takes work.  We, man -- were designed to adapt, change, metamorphosis -- learn - and grow.  This is what I SEEK.  I've stated it before as I believe in conjunction with Marianne Williamson --- a miracle can purely be a change in perception.  I believe in miracles, I have witnessed them in my own life on more than one occasion.  I fully believe that I am being directed by the Holy Spirit, through this healing.  This is only but a season.

Thank You merciful Father for life.  Father help us live it more abundantly -- as the children that You would have us to be.  Help us be equally yoked with You, and let these earthly shackles fall from our hearts and minds.  Mend our hearts so that we may see and know ourselves as You see and know us.  Help us love each other with brotherly love and be joyful in our daily walk.  Thank You for our grace,  blessings, and favor.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.  

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

The Relentless Journey.....from head to heart.

This is the picture of my current quest.  These two books my mates.  My first reading of the day is: "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young.  I read this one first for it's inspiration and strength building in the Lord..... and it's wonderful messages, just as if Jesus himself were speaking to you.  I personally, find it quite uplifting and heartfelt.  I read the ascribed scriptures, in which I find much comfort.

The second book is: " Mean Mothers"- Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt.  I suppose the name pretty much says it all.  For those that are faint of heart - and that have a hard time imagining a mother as anything other than the virgin Mary --- take heed, because this is going to get hairy.  I've written previously about some of the issues that I had with my mom, but I'm now on a mission to HEAL.  I'm dedicated to break the power that this relationship had/has over me and my relationships ( and with  myself).  I would be honored if whomever would follow along with me in this process - but if you just cannot, I fully understand.  All that I ask is that if you know of a woman or a man that this rings true with --- Please, PLEASE inform them of my writing.  I am not only doing this for my own therapeutic benefit, I do this in high hopes that this might help someone else heal as well.  All of my writing is for hope's sake, of being beneficial to someone else.....  So please be kind enough to pass on my link.

Reading "Mean Mothers", is enormously difficult.  I have had to make myself read it.  Ms. Streep's experience is so similar to my own that it is frightening.  As per our culture -- we think/believe/affirm that motherhood is like a reflex.  We in America just annotate that a woman has a baby and everything that she needs to know just shows up "poof", after she has the baby - like magic.  This is such as misnomer.  Mothers are human too, they have feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, and struggle just like everyone, every human.  It takes skill, enormous patience, kindness, gentleness, selflessness, and extreme effort to be a good mother.  Some woman have what it takes, and some don't.  It's not a promised skill.....maternity.  It certainly isn't magical.  Trust me, I know.  I've been on the receiving end of one of the ones that didn't get a good dose of fairy dust.

As I really process this content - or even approach this book and all of it's emotionality - I feel a bit like I've a touch of PTSD.  I do not say this lightly.  I've shared that I do not remember much of my childhood - what I do remember is as if I were looking at a child that I do not know..... from outside of her.  I know that this is a very intimate thing to admit - but if I am going to do this, you're going to have to see inside of me. ( I just pray that God will protect me, and grant me the blessing with the knowledge that the sole purpose of this is to enlighten, and inform.)  This is what intimacy is -- "in to me see. "  This little girl is hollow, and she is afraid.

What I know as of now - having had a parent that stiffens when you approach them for love, all the while knowing intrinsically that they do not love you (I knew by the tine that I was 4) makes for horrific feelings of self-doubt.  One tries to figure out who's at fault, that is what children do --- and looking at your mother who from all intensive purposes, looks perfect - without a hair out of place, you conclude that the problem must be with you.  And so you swallow that inside yourself.  Thus is I believe the beginning of my memory loss.

How could I want to remember that she has no desire to comfort me?  How could I want to remember when she would scold me for being in pain?  I can remember bits and pieces of lying in the bed sobbing (I was ill as a child with reoccurring bladder/kidney infections) because I hurt.... and the shaking of the bed would wake her up --- and she'd scold me.  Not really for being in pain, but that I'd not woken her earlier - and she'd attempt to sooth me, but I was so afraid of her.  My mom did not respond well to fear.  Fear made my mother angry.  That was a combo.  Of course my little mind didn't comprehend that she was angry because I'd not woken her - all I felt was her anger.  Being such a sensitive child, I was already riddled with so much fear -- and he yelling at me, did not help - it broke my heart.  Her attempts to soothe me, fell on a wounded heart.  Then came the shame of it all....."if you would have just told Mommy"....  Yeah right.  Like I'm going to trust you.....

This just one experience -- out of many hospitalizations of which she never attended..... it was always my dad.

So as I'm understanding all of this, and beginning to dig into the feelings associated -- therein lies the years of self doubt, fear, and self loathing.  Does anyone fully understand now why I've been in therapy for 25+ years?  Make sense?  I have  chrome around my heart.  It started forming when I was a child.  I've tried to remove it, but I didn't have the right tools.  I believe --- now I do.  All things come in God's timing.  For everything there is a season.

This, this is why my life is empty and I have addictive behavior jumping like crazy.  Wounds.  We all have them, some more, some less, some people never attend to them and they run their whole lives.  I refuse to be prey to this junk my whole life.  I deserve SO much more!!!  Lord Jesus Christ I will heal.  I did not deserve the things that were during my childhood, nor the affect that it's had on my adulthood either.  These mother/daughter issues have prevented me from having fulfilling relationships for half my life and although it is not going to be an easy endeavor - I will heal.

Merciful Father,
Thank you Lord for this branch to healing.  Thank you Lord for my life, shelter, food, and sustenance.     As I have prayed for my head and my heart to converge, Lord mend my emotions - and guide my relationships.  I thank you for the precious people in my life, and I continue to ask you to bless, keep, guide, and direct each and everyone of them.  Lord let my life be a reflection of You- and use me for Your honor.  As always Lord, thank you immensely for your grace - Your precious gift of redemption, and love.  I pray for Your precious will in my life - today and alway.  In Jesus sweet name, Amen.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Precious Timing.

What a difference a few days can make.  While my life is still in flux - and I am still struggling with my coping skills, (and or addictive behaviors) I received some wonderful news.  A new beginning is in process for me, something that I've been working towards for a few months now.  I have been wanting to return to school to acquire a skill so that the job search dare not seem so daunting.  

Prior to loosing my job, I had been investigating the possibility of going back to school to become a nail technician.  It's not a glamours job - but it would be fun and a creative outlet.  My problem has been centered around funding.  The educational portion is only 400 hours so there is no option for a Pell grant or student loans --- but with my being disabled, I qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation.  What I had been struggling with was that I was being tested (at least it felt like it) to gather information, shadow other nail techs, and ask prospective employers about possible employ after college and the like.  It seemed like every time that I finished one task, she (my counselor) would put another upon me.  I grew frustrated, definitely.  The last time that I spoke with her, I was somewhat terse, and ended up telling her that I felt like she was making me jump through flying "hoops" --- and it was not a pretty conversation....... 

Needless to say, I felt pressure, especially after loosing my job.  Being so depressed and unable to really look for work -- and knowing that even thought I am a counselor and I have all the experience that I do -- it's useless.  I am not certified, and it would take me two (or more) years (with four years already) of more school under my belt, to gain the credentials that would be needed to even begin to counsel again.  Albeit, this is my first love --- this is a heck of a commitment.   With my physical issues, and the like, I just don't see that happening.  However, 400 hours is something that I feel like I can handle... and a trade that I would really enjoy.  

Long story short... I finally met with my counselor and I got the "GO AHEAD" to pick a college.  This was not long after going to church on Sunday and leaving because I (being the person that I am, and believing in the Finished Work of Christ) could not sit under preaching of condemnation and works....  I was very disappointed - to say the least because I needed church that day (and in my life period.)  However, I had been avidly praying, and really concentrating on my relationship with God -- and I knew that  I was in serious need of nothing short of a miracle.  God still does this, I'm living proof.... I've said it before -- and I'll say it again.  

God never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is impeccable.  Even as I prepare to work through some of the toughest and most painful issues of my life -- my ever so difficult relationship with my mother, and I still am battling with some addictive behaviors, I walked toward God, and He ran towards me.  I knew that He would, but this is the beauty of the Lord - He answers prayer in such creative and unimaginable ways.  If I allow myself to feel badly, I can beat myself up for not trusting Him, but I'm not going there, I'm not going to blame myself for something that right now, I cannot control.  I know as I work through the issues that I have, my trust will increase.  My childhood was not my fault.  Jesus knows this.  He counts my tears.  He always has.  Always will.  

We have difficulties in this lifetime, some more, some less.  I don't regret what I've been through - it has given me a tremendous heart, with a huge capacity for compassion and love for my fellow man.  This is why I write.  Maybe someone somewhere can relate to my struggles.  On the same page, I pray that they find inspiration in my spirit and hope.  God will make a way when there is NO way.  I've lived it, over and over, and I'm alive to tell.  

I've used this video before but I love it --- please listen to it, so powerful -- and so much meaning for me.  God has been there "Through All of It".....

Praise God!!!!     

Monday, February 1, 2016

The Edge.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  For me, her words so profound - it's like reading in velvet.  She has been such a part of my self-discovery and inner journey that I hold her in such high esteem.  I just recently purchased a book of her prayers - and I'm not sure why I did, I cannot seem to find the mindfulness to read it.  I am in an odd, odd place as of late.  One that I don't quite know that I've been before.

I am so tired of battling fear and the emptiness in my life - that this feels like a jumping off place.  I called my best friend this morning in tears - and all it seems that I can see is loss.  My distrust has my life barren.  It isn't as if I don't know why.  My Mom passed a few weeks ago - and I have been unable to grieve.  I've lost my job and have been so stuck that I cannot even look for work. My coping behaviors have me imprisoned.  I lost my job because I wasn't paying attention, and was somewhere I shouldn't have been anyway - with someone I shouldn't have been - doing things I shouldn't have been doing!  I missed a shift.  I was "out of pocket."  Attempting to fill the void.  The void that has allowed me to gain 30 pounds.  Mostly because I haven't been caring for myself.  Oh, I profess - but I don't do anything.  I "know", but I don't really do anything about it.

The definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  I don't know that I expect different results, but I hope that things will get better. basically without my having to change anything --- which is insane.  Don't we do that though???

I know that it's fear that has me paralyzed.  Just dead stuck.

I lean to much on my own understanding.  My own mind.  It betrays me.  I betray myself.  I let my inner defenses have their way.  I suppose it better than feeling what is under it.

Ever since my mentor left, I have been so lost.  It isn't if I don't know the way -- isn't as if he did not teach me.  With all that I have to deal with - I cave too easily.  It's almost as if I'm not in the drivers seat - and I'm on auto pilot.  I just am along for the ride.  I know that I can change, I have done it before.  I need a miracle.  Once again.  And I know from where it needs to come.  Jesus has never failed me.  He won't fail me now.

I'm grateful for my path, but it is mine alone.  I know this.  For those of you few, thank you for taking it with me. This pain, this emptiness, my addictions, and the lot --- is hard to manage -- but I'll rise again.  I've always heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I'm banking on just that.

From bar to church --- Lord please help me.  I need an intervention of some kind, into my life.  On so many levels.  I've got to stop professing and get down to the nitty gritty.  I've let my character defects run amuck and I'm sick of myself.  Life is what we get when we're not paying attention, and when we don't consciously choose.  I've not been choosing, but just letting it ride.  That isn't going to get it.  Momma's gone, and I've got to deal with the damages.  The tally's quite high.  An the bodies keep piling up.  So high that it is overshadowing my life.  It's like the Sahara desert up in here.  It's my own damn fault.

My friend, my precious friend says, "Trust God and do good."  That's my mantra.  One damn foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  This too shall pass.  One thing I know if I know nothing else.... the only thing that stays the same, IS change.  I suppose when I get really ready -- which for me today is church.  It's a giant hole in my life.  Today that stops.  I hope it's a good fit.  Please God.  I need it so badly.  That's the amazing thing about God, if you step out for Him, He will always reach out to you - He'll come running to you.  I'm counting on just that.  I don't know why it is taking me all of my life to accept and comprehend that God is a constant --- I suppose because I did not bond with my Mother.  This chrome that is surrounding my heart.  Barbed wire more like it.  Not that I don't feel anything -- because I do -- feel so much.  But God isn't about feeling - it's about knowing and believing.  I have so much doubt in myself, and life.  At least right now.  God knows me, and He knows my heart.  I've never had that kind of permanence - I don't know how to trust something that I've never had.  I'm trying to comprehend however.  I was almost there once.  It was so beautiful.... I'm so glad that I wrote...

Thank you Jesus for keeping me safe in my own selfishness.  Your grace is immeasurable.  It truly blows my mind.  Settle my heart, and my mind.  Lead me home.