Monday, March 27, 2017

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if I am anything I am a truth seeking person - because I told on myself.  I always do.  I messed up a couple of times, but I'm drug free now - and the shopping has been arrested.  Praise Jesus!!!!!

My EMDR Doctor has proven to be a gift from God.  I am at this writing, attending co-occurring groups, a grief program, and some other therapies.  I knew that it was going to take an intervention of a pretty grand scale to stop my addictive cycle.  But, it has been arrested --- and I have been sober now for several weeks.  I am not really the type that "counts" because it's really one day at a time.  I did change some meds - and I discovered -- by accident that my emotions have literally been numbed for over six years.  I had to readjust  to feeling my emotions again, and it was quite difficult.  In the very beginning they kind of came out in "globs".  I was an emotional mess.

What is on my heart right now though is an article that I found this morning about daughters (or sons)  and the enormity of posts that I read through of lives that are damaged just like mine -- of people who have had mentally ill mothers.  Now I've read articles where others have had mean mothers, or mothers that didn't nurture their children -- but this is now becoming a mental health crisis...the amount of lives that have been shaped by this familial abuse.  I cannot convey what it does to my heart, and my soul.

We all think inside our own minds that the things that we struggle with, we struggle with alone.  We may have an inkling that others might be able to relate -- but it's so taboo - to have bad feelings to the one who gave you life.  Some of these woman have bore this burden half their lives, the pain, guilt, shame, rejection of self, and all of these things are piled on top of what the narcissistic or borderline personality disordered mother has told you you were.... all while you grapple with trying to grow up.

I'm overwhelmed with compassion.  Myself, still incapable of having a long-term relationship because of my inability to trust, attach properly, and feel secure.  I am a believer in healing, I work diligently at it - but I still find myself pondering if I will ever be able to totally heal.  I intrinsically knew(although she verbally told me) my mother did not love me.  I could feel her distain for me... and by age 10-11, I was asking my dad why Mommie didn't love me.  Of course it was denied, but being the intuitive that I was, I knew better.  I HAD to know things - it was not safe in my house to not to know what was going on.  I was so in tune with my mother, I think I was in my 20's until I unhooked the emotional umbilical cord.  I had a nervous breakdown at 21, and attempted suicide.

I've got to help these women.  Somehow.  I just don't think that I can rest, until I do.  There are so many broken humans - I have to give of what I have learned, else it has been for naught.

Shame is a nasty entity.  We still shun and hide the things that we are ashamed about - because that's what the shame tells us to do.  It can only keep living in the deepest, darkest places in our lives.  It fears exposure, because it knows that it will cease to exist once it's brought into the light.  We give it so much power in our lives, and it tells us with it's devilish voice that it's much more than just an emotion -- and we allow it to control us.  I know, I was a shame-based person.  I used to fully believe that I didn't even have a right to exist.  It controlled my every thought, my every action.  I cannot convey in words what lies those were.  Darkness cannot survive in the light.  The two cannot coexist - it's impossible.  The power of the pull to keep secrets is strong, but secrets keep us so very, very sick. Sick and separated from our fellow man.

We were put on this earth for each other,  we are "the brotherhood of man".  There have been times when I was counseling when my client's did not believe in themselves-- nor a power greater than themselves - they just didn't know how yet.  I would tell them, "until you can, you believe that I believe for you, and about you."  An it would oft times get them through.  Sometimes on shaky legs and broken hearts - we just need to know that someone cares.  This generation is far removed, it frightens me.  However, I'm still a believer, even after all that I've been through.  I'll never loose hope.  It's just not in me.  I hope you feel the same way.  I hope you have someone that you can count on, no matter what.  I hope you have a dream.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts/life/hope with you all.  I don't feel as alone.  I'd love to hear from some of you.  Cause I know that you hear me.
Regardless -- shed light on some of your shame with someone and watch it disappear.  It's so beautifully freeing.  I have faith in you --- and God does to.

So good to be back.  God Bless you all.......<3

Friday, December 30, 2016

Intellect's Betrayal

I see my Doctor today and I've much on my mind.  He dropped the bomb on me last week, and I've got several decisions to make.  I've since discovered that I'm pretty sure I am a victim of identity theft.  I cannot even get into my own credit report.  It was asking me about a mortgage - and I don't own a house? So I'm pretty freaked out.  I was extremely anxious yesterday, not sure what to do - I tried to contact equifax, to no avail. I'll figure something out, still but man does my stomach hurt.  I could totally use prayer right  now.  

At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent.  I want to make that loud and clear.  However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now.  I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month.  It feels ugly, sick, and awful.  I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself up - but boy is it easy to do - it comes first hand for me.  My Mom taught me how to be an expert at it.  All and all, I want people to know that the Grace of God still stands strong in my life.  This is what I've come to in these past few days.  If I never pay another credit card bill, and I forgo everything ---- God still will love me more than I can EVER comprehend.  I'm the one that isn't able to conceptualize His love for me.  I'm the one that is at the loss here.  If I were able to accept, engulf, become, participate, in who I actually am to God - I'd never make another compulsive decision (if it's really a decision) again.  An I know this in the bottom of my heart.  I'm the one at fault here.  I am unable to conceive of the depth of God's love for me, and who I am (in all actuality) in Christ Jesus.  I've been taught, and I've studied for myself - but for reasons unbeknown to me completely - I have not accepted, digested, or put on the new man I am in Christ.

If I were able to, I would listen to the Holy Spirit inside of me.  I'd be led by it's promptings.  I'd not make an inaccurate decision - with the acceptation of a mistake here or there out of being human --- . Now, you may ask yourself if I know this... why am I living the manner in which I am living?  Well, this is the $24,000.00 question.  I believe I know the answer _ and I believe that I know what Doc would say... WORTHINESS.  I don't feel worthy of this bounty.  Worthy of this incredible love.  Even after four mind-blowing years of Pastor Paul White, glorious grace pastoral care, I was unable to take ownership.  He probably knew.  Even with all my scars removed, my shame eliminated, my sin erased, I still could not take that final completion step.  An I am at a loss as to what to do now.  These are hard wired issues, ones that have been with me for decades.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I do not think God able --- oh no, He is MORE than able.  It is I that is deficient.  It is I that is failing as the recipient.  And I do not mean that to sound like Nancy negative.  I'm merely being honest.  As an anxious avoidant type - because of my lack of relationship with my mother --- it's only quite normal.  But there I go again, limiting the Almighty.  My intellect is my undoing.  An I wish I knew how to stop.  Sometimes I wish I weren't so brave.  I wish  I weren't so self-sufficient.  I just push God right out the window.  It is my undoing.

Only God has these answers.  I'm fooling myself attempting to figure this out.  I try and figure every last blasted thing out.  That is my greatest weakness.  Surrender is the answer.  I need to let go of the answers.  Somehow I have to let God show me.  I've gotten myself - by the power of my own will, in one hell of a mess.  I've been running away from grief, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc.  I don't like to feel and I don't know too many addictive type humans that do.  If I don't take care of these core issues - they are going to eat me alive.  I'm trying.  I am attempting to.  I've somehow got to stop beating myself so mercilessly.  It serves no purpose.   There is no such thing as a perfect person.  I struggle so much to grow - because who I am, isn't good enough.  That is the never-ending message.  An somehow it's got to be erased.  Only God can do that.

Hell yeah, I'm scared.  I'm not perfect.  That's some crap that my mother tried to instill in me, and it's insane.  Fear is a liar.  And anxiety breeds untruth.  Today I'm okay.  I have faith that I'll receive everything that I need.  Jesus has my answers.  His grace has always been the way.  His mercy is so precious.  Just because I don't believe in myself has nothing to do with Him believing in me.  He can and will answer my prayers in exceeding abundance, and glorious grace.

Father God, I submit to you my intellect.  I humbly ask for your wisdom in it's place.  I've been exceedingly willful Father, and I have become too invested in the things of this world.  Please help me Father, to seek Your will, with all my heart - and to do as You would have me do.  Father please bless and keep those that read about my life, I  pray abundance and mighty favor over their lives.  In Jesus holy name, Amen.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

As Reality Sets In

On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind.  I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life.  Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.  

I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose.  I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work.  I loved most everything that I did.  I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes.  That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life.  When I lost this, I lost my purpose.  Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift.  I grieve.  

When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist.  My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you've read my blog - you know that I had an extremely estranged relationship with my mom.  Therefore, my Father's importance was increased ten fold.  My Father's life as a child was difficult, his relationship with his mother - he was separated from her around the age of 10 I think, and placed with his Grandmother.  An abandonment of sorts.  Daddy would get ready for school, and right before he left, Great Grandmother Burr would tell him, "If I die today, you have to decide where you're going to go."  Quite the devastation to have to even comprehend for a little boy - who's been removed from the mother that he loved, placed with a different parental figure, to worry about death and then those consequences.  Daddy never uttered an unkind word about any of his childhood experiences, despite what he went through.  I get my hope from my Dad.  But I digress.  He was my rock, my friend, my protector, my cheerleader, he just was always there. No questions asked, he taught me what unconditional love is and how to love others that way ---- and accept people for who they are.  He taught me to be a giver, not a taker in life - and to give from your heart.  And I grieve. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  I've experienced it, and I've witnessed it in other people.  What I know is if you don't get a handle on it, grief can and will destroy your life.  As hard as I've tried to process through mine, being an addictive type of person, it's become the ruin of mine.  I don't know if I'm the one at fault, or if it is because I did not grieve properly.  However, as I write this post I've pushed the envelope with my addictive spending to the place where I am no longer going to have choices.  Things are going to be put into place where I cannot have access to my own money.  As I sit here, I am attempting to process this.  I've been reading about treatment, but I know that my insurance won't pay for it.  Alas, it's traditional treatment I'm sure which I've had.  I'm torn, because I know that in reality this needs to be done, yet - I surely don't want this.  I feel defeated, and many other things that aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm going to loose access to the net also.  As far as I know right now - I'm going to try and write on a flash drive and post at the library.  The process is going to be wild.  As addictive and compulsive as I am - my addiction is bound to come out somewhere else.  But then again, I am not giving God credit nor my Doctor - because he completely obliterated my cravings yesterday.  Doc is amazing.  

My mind wants to go to that nasty, negative place.  Where I'm a failure, an idiot, and just downright stupid.  I cannot let this happen.  I am a child of God.  I am at a jumping off place and something has to occur.  I've ask for a miracle an perhaps this is it.  I know Doc is a miracle because none of the other practitioners have done for me what he is doing.  I am truly grateful.  I don't have to like this, that's okay.  Sometimes change is hard.  This can either be hard or I can make the best of it.  I know it's going to be difficult at first, and I'm going to go through a withdraw of sorts.  This is to be expected.  What I need do now is focus on the positive.  I asked for help and I'm getting it.  

I have not been praying.  Oh I throw a short prayer here and there for people - but I've not had a heart to heart with the Lord in a while.  This is a huge part of my difficulty.  Gina's been doing what she wants, and this is not good.  Since my beloved pastor left, that grief has been hard too.  Overall, it's been a good year, I've just not been as close to God as I'd like to be and no one is to blame but me.  This is going to change.  

Despite my reality - I hope with all I have that each one of you have beautiful holidays!  Filled with lots of family and friends.... love an laughter.  I Hope its rich with traditions, old and new.  May we always remember Christ at Christmas even if it's not the exact time of His birth, it's when we celebrate it.  Love your families, hug them extra hard, tell them what your thinking, and do what's on your mind, don't put it off.  Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.  

Thank you Jesus for my friends...

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Addiction, Denial & Hope.

I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start.  Sorry it has been so long between posts.  I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions.  It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess.  We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering.  I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal.  The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy.  Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict.  Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas.  It's all or nothing.  This is not reality -- because life is full of choices, but the addict does not see those other choices.  With one main goal, to abate the pain inside, we always make the extreme choice -- to get the most pleasure out of our experiences.  This is what people do not understand --- and it has nothing to do with anyone else but the addict themselves - whom at this juncture is one of the most selfish, self-centered, ego-driven humans on the planet.  All of these things merged and enveloped with mind-blowing denial.

People don't understand denial and how it works.  Really don't understand denial, because it's a classic component of addiction/alcoholism.  It blinds the addict - to consequences, to hurting loved ones, to hurting self.  We oft wonder how can he or she steal from family and friends, and still stand there and look them in the eye?  DENIAL.  It isn't just a theory - it is an absolute in this disease.  It protects the user from the emotional consequences of what they do, to themselves and those around them -- and it propels them to continue to use.  An addict can justify anything, absolutely anything when it comes to what they need to get more drugs, or alcohol from you no matter what the method might be.  Manipulation, theft, deception, it doesn't matter, they're classic coping skills for the abuser, and denial paves the way for them.                              I can justify anything I want to purchase - anything when I'm wanting it, and all the consequences in the world won't stop me from making that purchase.... it's that rush of dopamine (and many other brain chemicals) that I get when I purchase said item.  It's all a chemically induced payoff whether or not it be natural chemicals, or foreign ones.

I've been battling with my addictions since my Father passed, and possibly before - but especially since the loss of my Dad.  I'm in an addictive cycle.  I can no longer deny it.  Shopping may seem mild as an addiction to some, but trust me when it comes time to pay, it's no joke.  It is/ has greatly affected my ability to live.  I'm totally at a crossroads with this.  I continue to shop despite the fact that I cannot survive on and pay out the bills that I have.  My loneliness/grief issues and the "never enough" place inside of me - is ruining my life.  I am an addictive type of person.  Lately, I've made some very poor choices, and I have put myself in some pretty scary situations out of being so desperately tired of being alone.  Hence, there were consequences - and I am totally remorseful, but I cannot change my actions.  It's been a long time since I've felt shame.  However, it is an emotion that I believe for me, is there for a reason, at least this time.  You can bet, I will not do it again.  I've suffered all week long.

My EMDR therapy has been going well, if you can call delving into traumatic memories ... an easy thing.  I believe it is what has my addictive behavior on the rise.  This is tough stuff.  I adore my Doctor - he is so damned intelligent, and an answer straight from God.  He is the absolute first professional that has answers for me that make complete sense.  I thank God for Doc.  I have some decisions to make because he and I both know that in order to heal, somethings have to change.  Somehow, someway, the cycle has to be broken.

I may very well have to stop this blog, and remove myself from the internet completely.  This is something that I'm pondering.  I don't ever get any feedback, so I suppose, despite that fact that I try to educate, enlighten, and dispense hope - my blog has really served no purpose other than therapeutically for myself.  I dislike this, but I must accept what is.  I'd always felt guided to write about my experiences, if for no other reason than to let someone know that they aren't alone.  This, and to help enlighten people from the perspective of an addicts mind.  Addiction is so misunderstood.  However,  perhaps I've failed to do this, or there is just some angle that I am just unaware that prevent people from communicating.  At any rate, these next few blogs, may indeed - be my last.

I wholeheartedly believe that if I have to remove myself from this venue - God will help me find another way, method of dispensing hope.  It may not look like I have hope with what is written above, but - believe you me, I'm full of it.  I will always be.  Despite my defective choices, God still is my refuge.  He's still my strength.  I'm the one in err.  If I'd look to Him for answers, I'd find them, it is my failings and lack of reaching out (and doing it MY way) that get me into trouble.  These trust issues, sadly I say come from my childhood.  God is not at fault.  He has given me many a miracle.  I will never deny that.  There are good things in my life, and this is what I aim to focus upon.  We are what we believe.  Lately, I've been stuck in a mire of obsessing over my behavior - and it's stopping now.  God is, and ever shall be my guiding light, a lamp to my feet, and my saving Grace.
God Bless you,
Merry Christmas,
and what ever your season brings!!!
Save Travels.

Monday, November 28, 2016

On My Mind

I'm going to publish this mainly because I truly believe in it's content --- even though it's a post from last week.  Things have transpired and I did get some help from some dear friends --- that I cherish.  However, I've had much thought, and I've processed things almost incessantly.  My depression has somewhat subsided, I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  When you feel so alone in the world  - a world that feels cold, detached, and uncaring, it's a devastating feeling.  I know some of you can relate.  Missing loved ones, spending holidays by yourself, and being broke to boot - feels like hitting a bottom where hope is concerned.  I made it through, of course  but not without pain.  I don't like emotional pain.  Who does?  But I had to ask myself many questions, and I did not like some of them.  I did not like it because some of them were in regards to my being angry with myself.  Those kinds of queries are never easy to admit.  But if I am anything I am honest, and this includes with myself.  Those are the hardest questions to face.  But they must be faced if we are to be forthright with our true selves.  I surely don't want to be a type of person that blames others for my own crap.  I refuse to do that.  So, I have to own what's mine.  Yeah, I've been pretty miserable lately, and yes, I have been upset with myself.  I"m not going to wallow in it, but it is true.  It's going to take time to get out of this financial mess.  I'm going to struggle.  That is fine.  I own that,  much as I don't want to, I have to.  Difficult times, bring about, and expose real truths.  That's just what I've been through.  I always strive to learn from life.  It's a passion of mine.  People show their true colors when you're in need - believe you me.  It's in our best interest to discover what roles people play in your life, or you'll be let down, for sure.  I'll say one bit of a little wisdom that I learned that's not new news but that is a truth -- when people show you who they are -- BELIEVE THEM.  *********************************************************************************

LIFE is difficult - this is a great truth.  I cannot remember where I read this, but I recall it sharply - and it bumbles around my dark mind.  This month has been pure unadulterated hell.  I have had no money basically since the third, and anyone that's ever been broke knows, money is life.  You have no choices without funds.  Everything you want to do and NEED to do evaporates without funds.  Your chances are eliminated, your choices are reduced to basically nothing - and life pretty much ceases to exist.  However, I've done my best to take this with a grain of salt - and go on - the hardest part is truly finding out who cares for you and who doesn't.  Because when the chips are truly down, you find out what's up.  An you find out quick who's in your corner.....and who's not.  You even find out who's supportive and who's not.  It's actually sort of interesting watching it all unfold if you can stomach it ---- because believe you me - it hurts.  Especially when you're a giver.  I'd never leave one of my friends in the position I'm in.  I just wouldn't.  This is what friends are for.  At least in my mind, maybe I have got this thing mixed up or inaccurate in my mind - but to me, when we are at an all time low - aren't we supposed to help pick each other up?  Not because we're "supposed" to - but out of the goodness of our hearts?

See I'm real confused right now.  Real confused and hurt.  I guess I'm naive.  However, I still would not change who I am for anything in the world.  I believe whole-heartedly that this is the way that God designed us.  We were put on this earth to help each other.  Not to be selfish and self-seeking.  We were put here to unite and support each other.  This is how my heart works.  If I knew that some one was struggling like I've struggled this month --- and I had money to share, there is no way that I'd not have helped him or her.  And I'd joyously have done it.  Do you think this has been done for me?  I guess you can answer that by reading this post.  I've had a few compassionate people come to my aid - dear people that I call true friends - the others, my feelings have changed about entirely.

You may ask yourself... isn't she having expectations?  I've asked myself the same question.  I don't expect people to help me, and I fully realize that not everyone has the same heart that I do.  Yet, I question - what does lifelong friendships mean?  I am totally perplexed.  I've had basically strangers help me, meet basic needs, and have more compassion!

My heart is heavy, and I'm quite depressed.  Yes I realize that this is no one's responsibility - and these are MY problems.  I'm a BIG girl.  But where is the compassion?  Where is the concern?

I have so called friends (and I'm rethinking this believe me) that wouldn't buy me food if I were hungry.  I'm hurt and I'm angry.  Maybe I'm out of line, I don't know alls I know is that I'm really done.  I'm done with selfish people.  I'm done with people that judge me.  If you haven't walked in my shoes - and lived in my skin you have no right.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah, I've made mistakes, but does this matter when it comes to survival?  It shouldn't.  When I am someones friend, it's an unconditional love.  My friendships are everything to me.... but then again I'm rethinking this too.  I certainly seem to give to much of my heart to people that clearly don't deserve it.  This is going to stop.  I don't even care if this looks, smells, or appears like self-pity, because it's not.  It's just cold, hard, FACTS.  The fact of the matter is that I'd help my friends if they were in my situation, and they could really care less if I have enough.  Very few, if any of them have verbalized "Ghee Gina I'm sorry your having such a difficult time"....  it's just like "oh well".  I suppose I'm just supposed to be okay with being flat ass broke for weeks on end.  I guess it's no ones problem but my own.  This is the kind of world that we live in now.  I guess I'd better get used to it, Christian or not.  It's dog eat dog.

I guess I"m the real fool here.  Maybe I'm completely off track.  I don't know - maybe I'm just an odd bird in wanting to help others when they struggle.  God forbid that I get a blessing out of lightening some oneness load.  I must be a lunatic.

All's I know is that my heart is hurt.  Oh I'm learning alright.  I refuse to let it turn into a resentment - that's why I'm writing.  Call me crazy but I will let this go.

I will be spending Thanksgiving by myself this  year.  My friend will bring me a plate of food.  I'll survive.  I received two invites, but I don't have the gas to go.  So, I'll stay home and watch T.V. with my cat.  I'm learning about people, people that say that they love you.  I'm learning more and more about life and how hard it is without family.  Even with family it's hard......depends upon the family.  God will see me through.  He always does.  There's about 10 more days left of the month, and I don't exactly know if next month will be better or not.  It should be.  Regardless,  I'm going to move on with my life.  I'm just going to carefully reconsider who I call my friend.

Maybe I"m totally wrong, maybe I'm completely off base.  I know that there are people that are in WAY worse circumstances than me --- please, I know this.  So please don't judge me in that way.  This is not a pity party.  It's my attempt to process what my heart feels, and my head thinks.  I also know, unequivocally that I 'm going through this for a reason - things always happen for a reason -- and that this is only for a season.  Things will get better.  Of all the populace, I shouldn't have to justify myself with you all.... my hope should stand for itself.  It's mostly the state of the world that has me so upset, and now self-focused most humans are nowadays.  It just makes me wonder what Jesus would think, and what it's doing to His heart?  Cause I know it's hurting mine.

Be that person that those close to you can rely on.  Give from your heart.  Think about others needs.  Consider your neighbors struggles, with compassion.  We all need each other.

God Bless.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Unexpected Answers......

It's been a while since I've written.  I've had several new things develop.  I've began a new therapy, and I'm ever so excited (and hopeful) about it.  I had decided to change therapist's because of a multitude of inappropriate things that were taking place, the main thing was that I was not being heard.  Knowing from my own background -- a good therapist listens, whereas what I was experiencing was being told that what I felt was inaccurate.  That's a huge red flag.  My self-esteem might not be stellar but it isn't the lowest of low.... and I kept having that shoved down my throat.  If I know anything I am a survivor, and a damn good one at that - I may not have the greatest of coping skills, however they've gotten me through many a trauma.  Besides, I got very tired of hearing stories about other clients (no names were used of course) as if these stories were somehow useful to me.  Take it from me, if you feel like you're not being heard by your counselor or therapist, listen to your gut..... I couldn't even confront it because he would get mad if I spoke up.  There is some serious dysfunction there.  It was how he saw it, or I needed to see someone else... so that is what I did, and man what a blessing from God!!!

This new Doctor is a God send.  It is an answer to many a prayer.  I am doing what is called EMDR - Eye movement desensensitation reorganization.  It's a re-mapping of the brain memory strands.  I probably don't have that quite right, but you can google it, and read more information about it if you would like, but the basis of it is that you take traumatic memories and re-map them, reorganize them with other memories that aren't traumatic.  It's done through some touch (on your knees), and rapid eye movement.  The process involves activating both brain hemispheres.  I've had two sessions.  I'm so hopeful.  The thing that I see most out of what I've done so far is that I am not reacting to thing like I would have used to, and I'm much more emotionally balanced.  Just calmer.  It has really increased my dream life - which is what Doc said would happen ---- it's the brains way or reorganizing these traumatic events.

This therapy really is what I've prayed for because I've basically tried everything else.  I cannot remember who said it, I think it was Einstein, but "you cannot solve problems with the same brain that created them", and I truly believe this.  There has to be some form of intervention.  EMDR is my intervention.  It used a lot with PTSD - and really anyone with a traumatic background.  It's not widely known about - and is fairly new.  I urge you to check it out if if looks like something that might be of help.  It is extremely enlightening.

On the home front - Gracie (my tabby) has had bad, bad allergies.  I took her to the vet and got a steroid liquid and man talk about a fight to give a cat meds.  It did not work however, and it hurt my heart to have to basically wrestle her daily to get it in her little mouth.  Of course she thought she was being punished and it just killed me.  Half (if not more) of the medicine went flying all over the kitchen, it was a nightmare.  So now I have to take her back and get the shot which should have been given in the first place.  Another large vet bill and a 60 mile trip that freaks her out.  She cries all the way there and all the way back.  It's really fun folks.  I take her so far because it is so much more economical and I've been to this vet for years.  They really are less expensive than the one's here in town.

I've not been to church, every Sunday I wake up in awful pain.  This past weekend I was on day three of double dry socket.  I had two teeth pulled Wed.  Of course I got dry socket.  Life wouldn't be normal if it weren't difficult for me......LOL.  It's going to be yet another difficult month financially - and I'm so tired of it.  One would think that I'd be used to it by now - but you never get used to not having enough to get the things that you need, and never having anything left over.  I need a (financial) miracle.

It's all going to get better, it's just going to take time.  I was the one that shopped myself in to a nightmare and now am having to pay the financial consequences.  I have no one to blame but myself. The holy spirit warned me when I was spending without thought of consequences - and I did not heed the warning .... I proceeded to feed my disease.  I am so hopeful with this new therapy that my compulsions can be healed, and I can get my financial circumstances in order and stop using spending money that I don't have as an improper coping mechanism.  It's got me imprisoned right now with no money and no gasoline..... for three more days.  I don't feel sorry for myself - I'm not really angry, I sometimes feel defeated, but for the most part I just accept it and understand.  I don't know if this is "healthy" - or I'm in denial to be honest.  I don't know what I could do different actually.  It's done, I've made purchases this month on the cards that are saved in certain stores online - because I can't seem to stop myself.  I'm still hopeful!!!  Yes, damn it, I said hopeful!  If anyone spent as much time as I do alone, and broke --- well I tell you riding yourself of coping skills is not easy.  An perhaps that is just a justification I'm not certain - I try and be as honest with myself as I know how to be, alas, I'm human.

This will balance itself out.  I know it.  I will choose different behaviors.  I'm claiming it.  See Doc explained to me that the things that we did when we were at the age that we experienced the trauma - and lived the lives that we did --- were methods of survival during that time.  However, we grow up and we are not in that environment any longer.  We grow up yet we are still behaving, coping, and attempting to adjust in that same manner and it has now became a "symptom".  This is where a huge amount of depression, addiction, compulsiveness ---ect. comes from.  What once served us, now hurts us.  GOSH where has this information been all my life?????   Praise Jesus, I'm so filled with gratitude right now..... and I have been! It makes so much sense to me.  All of the things that I did as a child attempting to "not be seen", "avoid feeling", and "hide" - are now anxiety, fear, depression, and disconnection from everything.

Wow.  I say.  WOW.

The other side of this is that my intellect over serves me.  I over think everything.  It gets in the way of my relationship with God even.  It prevents me from asking for help.  It oft times keeps me isolated, and alone.  It really no longer serves me.  I need to find a balance between thought and feeling.  Trust is all bottled up in there as well.  I'm not sure how all of this will come about, but I do trust that it will.  I'm very hopeful, God has brought me this far.  If it hadn't of been for my ability to think quickly as a child, I would have never survived.  Now, however, it doesn't serve me as well.  It has become a symptom of discontent.

It never ceases to amaze me at how my Lord knows me.  The ways in which He answers prayer.  So unexpected and so beautifully.  My heart is tendered more and more each and every time, for I gain greater understanding of His heart.  An that my friends is amazing.

Thank you Jesus, sweet Jesus, for answering my prayers so eloquently as You always do!  I'm so filled with blessings for and to You at this time in my life I hardly know what to do with myself.  I know I'm healing Father, and I thank You so much.  Father, help me, help myself in every manner that I need to - Father and give it my best effort.  I pray for those that read this blog Father, that whatever healing that they  may have, or need be lifted up to you to Father, and bless them as You've so bountifully blessed me!  In Jesus name I pray,  Amen.

Monday, October 10, 2016

A matter of faith

This is today's reading from Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling."  In my current state of mind, it resonated with me deeply.  In doing so, I then realize that I cannot be alone.

Intellect, logic, ego - all the mindsets that we use to solve (and devise) and or problem solve, are ways in which I know for myself, that I ease God out.  'I got this one God' - I'll ask for help for the really heavy stuff...  This is oft times my line of thinking.  Yet - I want to tell myself I'm at peace, trusting the Father.  In truth, I'm only allowing Him to have access to certain parts of my life.  Then I wonder why I end up in some of the scrapes like I do.  I have more trust in my car than I'm allowing God.  That's scary and extremely hard to admit --- to myself and out loud.  Oh it's not a conscious thing, most of the time, it's more of an automatic thing.  More often than not, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it until I take the time to commune with God.  It is only through  prayer and a reading such as this that I realize  what I'm doing.  This is why this struck me so this morning.

I think in truth I'm living a "halfway" life. Halfway committed and halfway not.  Oh I love the Lord, don't get me wrong -- but I'm still doing it my way.  There is a level of surrender that isn't taking place here.  A degree of depth that I've not accepted.  I allow myself to be around people that say and do things that aren't in agreement with my values, and I blow it off.  I internalize it, because that stuff goes somewhere - it doesn't just vanish.  It affects us physically, I believe as a stressor.  I make excuses for lots of things merely because it's what I want, verses what I need.  I believe many of us do it.  Most of the things that I do and accept that are out of character for me are because of loneliness.  I accept people's behavior and especially their speech- to be around someone.  I am in such need of human contact that I compromise myself.  Here again -- another manifestation of the "I don't matter"..... syndrome.

I never expected this reading to bring so much thought this morning - yet I love it.  How earnestly I need the stimulation and quest.  I am displeased however to be hit with so much.

I truly want to depend upon God fully.  I once was much more focused and disciplined.  I was closer to God.  I have veered because of the loss of my beloved pastor.  I had great grief.  I can analysis this and know that this should not have had anything to do with my relationship to the Father - however, unfortunately it did.  I'm not proud of this - but grief does different things to different  people.  I'd never felt as close to God as I did with my previous pastor because I did not understand the heart of the Father like I do know.  However, this should not have changed.  I question myself, and as I already know - therein the truth lies in my trust issues once again.

I love God.  This is indisputable.  I am strong willed.  This is not a good combination.  I'm sure someone can relate.  Changing, transforming, is a process.  I came from the camp that was preached to that you have to do it yourself.... the psychology camp.  Two treatments and a Counseling background.  Lovers of Christ give believe that this is the work (completely) of God.  I get confused in this being that I'm such a child of growth.  It's a difficult transition.  It would be for anyone who's studied psychology.  Yet, I do have faith.  I do pray for change, especially wholeness.

If your throughly confused by now - don't feel alone.  I know that I need to merge my intellect and my will with what God wants for me.  I pray for God's will and not my own.  I always have since I've been a christian.  My problem is I don't always do different even though I want something different.... and I know all of us can relate to this.  We are not a perfect people.   I believe for the most part we have good hearts.

If you are like me and struggle with surrendering all, and what I mean by "all" is letting everything go to God.  I still get a tad anxious about the future, and try to manage some things on my own, don't despair.  God still loves us just the same.  Having complete faith in all things I think comes with experience.  He knows our hearts.  He knows with me the bottom-line is that I do trust Him, as best I can with my life experiences.  Our problems lie in our humanizing God.  We limit His ability to see past our frailty.  Our humanness.  The issues that I've been writing about are about faith.  He doesn't require a lot - a mustard seed - and most of us have so much more than that.  Praise God.  I'm going to put my focus upon trusting and leaning into Him more in these coming days.  I'm going to stop leaning on my own understanding, because I know that I really understand so little.  If only I didn't think so much, however this is how God made me.

Embrace who you are, and nurture your spirit as God would have you do.  Allow Him to love you and bless you, and may His glorious favor over shadow ever aspect of your life.  Let Him go before you and make a way, where there was none, blessing you all the days of your life.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Silencing the inner critic.

I've ran across these cool video's - from "The school of Life." There is everything you could possibly want to know from Philosophy greats to 'how to do drugs,' which I didn't watch but thought to myself - I probably could teach them a thing or two....

I chose this one because I believe that we all have inner voices that we contend with daily that wreak havoc on our lives.  I know that I do, and I battle with this daily.   For me, there are several different "types" of voices, some good, some brutal.  The most devastating ones, are self-hatred.  They tell me that I'm unworthy - unloveable- ugly - fat - disgusting - and a nobody.  I know who's voice this is.  I imagine if you have these kinds of voices, you too know who's voice it is.  It was whomever was your worst critic in your life.

I've pondered many an hour as to how to stop these voices.  I've put up mental barriers and imagined stop signs in my head.  I've even gone so far as to say STOP! out loud - in attempt to banish this barrage.  The banter is not something that is easily banished.  Most of us won't even admit that we have such an inner demon(s).

I can successfully say that as the video suggests, with wisdom (and age) some of the self-talk has gotten better.  However, some of the tougher critics remain.  I truly believe that these voices will be with me until the day that I die.  I think that the difficulty lies in not listening to them any longer.   I'm learning that what they say just isn't true.  It's never been true.  The whole basis of it's lies were spawn out of someone else's disturbed psyche.

I'm not talking about a neurosis type of "hearing voices"... but our own inner voice.  I like to call them "old tapes."  Things that were said to you from the past, opinions that you have of yourself, or ones that others have had of you.  Stuff that has stuck to you like super glue - and plays over and over in your head.  They're particularly nasty when you're down or having a rough time of it... and struggling to find good qualities about yourself.  It impedes your best intentions of attempting to think good or positive thought, and it often times can really make me angry.  Sometimes, the voices of the past will simply come from out of nowhere.  I can experience them even on a good day - when things are going well.

I've talked to people about overcoming this.  Some folks don't believe that they have any power over their thought life at all.  They tend to believe that it's just a stream of consciousness that has a life all of it's own.  I don't believe that this is true.  I say this because of the way that I used to think.  I was one Nancy negative.  What I mean by that is I had no belief in myself whatsoever.  Now I'm not going to tell you that I have the greatest thought life now - but it is a whole 180 degrees from what it used to be like.  I can remember when I first got into the half-way house in 1996 at Fellowship Club in St. Paul Minnesota - and it was my birthday.  When you first arrive and on your first dinner meal, you have to stand up and be introduced to the house.  I was absolutely terrified.  I just knew that when I stood up that the table would turn over.  Now that is some crazy thinking.  How could I, small as I was then - turn a huge table over?  But I was so afraid I was shaking.  My heart was pounding in my chest and I would have given anything to have been someone else, somewhere else.  Just a few weeks in detox, and going through withdrawal - I was one sick puppy - in a myriad of ways.  So,  I know it's possible to change your thinking.  I used to be afraid of everyone - and everything.

I would say if one thing has helped the most, it's prayer.  Of course I've had a great deal of therapy - and gained oodles of insight - but prayer and acceptance have helped the most.  I also did a great deal of meditation to change the perception that I had of myself.  However, I still struggle with things that I believe will be there for a long time.  Some stuff I think is just hard-wired.  For me anyway.  Just because my mind may think it - doesn't mean I have to believe it.  That's the beauty in this.  Don't own it.  Talk back to it!  A lot of the time I do... as crazy as that may sound, it's my way of defeating the negative and not letting it have power over me.  If I've ever known who I am, it's now - and I just don't have to believe that BS anymore.  It's my choice.

See - I love having options in life.  It's a beautiful thing.  I didn't used to understand that.  I was trapped in my family with no voice - and no options.  I didn't know how to serve a God that was really mean - and would get back at you -- that didn't make any sense to me.  When I made a mistake, He turned away from me....  How does that help me learn?  So what now I have to beg to be back in His good graces??  I cannot trust a God like that...  But at that time I did not understand what grace meant.  Now I do.  If you've read my blog - you know where I stand on this.  If not go back and read Grace 101.  It's all there -  God's not mad, He never was.  I'm not a Jew.  Grace is a free gift.

My hope for you is that you learn to conquer your inner critics.  What they say isn't true.  Don't believe what they tell you.  Find your way of proving them wrong.  Don't be afraid to tell someone about it.  There isn't anything to be ashamed of - we all have it, and if they tell you they don't - don't believe it.  We all have doubts about ourselves.  Even the highest of self-esteemed person has doubts.

For me, prayer and meditation has been the answer.  Quiet the mind, replace the negative with positive and pray for God to heal your mind.  Meditation is wonderful - it has SO many positive health benefits, especially dealing with brain stimulation.  It's also a fantastic way to listen to the holy spirit which is another voice in our mind and heart.  It will never lead you astray - and is the voice of all truth.  Guided meditations are wonderful, and so are Mindfulness meditations.  Here is one that I really like:

My hope is that you will try it, and like it too!
God Bless!!!

Monday, September 26, 2016

In Search of Acceptance.

So much thought this a.m.  I've been up since 2.  My mind has pretty much been ablaze since I saw my therapist last week.  I know what needs to be done - yet I am not certain how.  I suppose if I am brutally honest, along with not being certain as to the how - I'm afraid of what follows.  I'm not even fully certain what I mean by this.  All that I know is that we as humans maintain identities for ourselves throughout life.  We think of ourselves in various ways, and we become quite attached to these manifestations in our minds.  I am the survivor (from multiple things) of a mentally ill mother, along with various other things, which hindered my life in devastating ways.  I'm a survivor of trauma, and this is how it has  it has been for many years.  It has affected every aspect of my  life.  As  deeply as I regret, I believe that this has become my identity.  Actually I know that I've identified with it, because I've prided myself as becoming an overcomer.  But now - the deeper that I explore this --- and it's anguish - in attempts to free myself from it, there is  fear of letting it go.  I can only imagine how peculiar this must sound, and I admit that somewhat unwillingly......

Change involves  letting go of control of outcomes.  People whom have been traumatized have really difficult times with letting  go of control, especially in certain areas.  This is one for me.  Really - what will happen, who will I be if I idon'thave these issues?  Trust me I know how sick that sounds.  I've experienced so much loss in my life - I truly do not know.  Believe you me, I do not want to look at this.  This is about as humbling as it gets.

I know from my A.A. days that acceptance is crucial.  I have to stop looking for the proverbial "answer" as to why my mother did not love me.  I have to stop trying to figure this out intellectually.  There just are no easy of quick fix answers.  Besides that it's answers of the heart that I'm seeking - not answers in my mind.  My mind, my ever over functioning mind is just trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense.  My mother had a history - she had a childhood, she could only do what she knew - yes she treated me different than she did my brothers.  I cannot, cannot change this.  This is fact.  The sooner that I accept this - the better off I'll be.  Many families went through the same kind of circumstances with these very issues as I did.  Chances are my mother may  very well have had postpartum depression when it was unheard of.  I know that she was sick when she gave birth to me, and I was a very sick infant.  I failed to thrive and was hospitalized several times, and almost died.  I was sick as I grew up, hospitalized much of the time with bladder and kidney infections.  I'm sure that wasn't easy.  I demanded a lot of care.  I wouldn't eat.  I also know what my mom's childhood was like, and it was not pretty.  I would not have wanted to have been her.  There's just facts in there that I don't understand but even if I did, it wouldn't change anything!

What I've been through, my experience has made me who I am.  I like who I am.  One of the greatest compliments that I've ever gotten in my life was when I was counseling, and leaving a particular job. At the going away party, my supervisor said, "When I think of Gina, I think of the word integrity."  Who could ask for anything more? It's all I've ever really wanted to be perceived as in life, a person of integrity.

This is no easy process.  This letting go/acceptance process.  However it's got to be done.  I'm so tired of being defined by it (yes you can be both afraid and tired) and it's effects on my whole life.  I'm so tired of it affecting my relationships, friendships, and how I live my life.  I'm exhausted at how I search to fill the void where the bond with my mother should have been.  I'm exasperated at, all the while knowing my loneliness is based in an emotional ache that no single person can fill.  I've got to heal that myself - or forever be unfulfilled.

We oft think that we fool ourselves.  Oh how we try.  We stay busy, we distract ourselves with this and that -- but there is always that little quite voice that whispers what we truly need, and it doesn't stop.  I want to live authentically and listen to it.  For me that voice is the Holy Spirit - and the voice of all truth.  It will never lead me astray.  God has never, ever let me down.  I know that I'm at this junction because it is where I need to be.  I deserve a better life, without so much discord and strife.  The problems that I have are all stemmed from my family issues.  I'm certain of this.  It's time, beyond time, to accept and move forward.  This weight is more than I can bare alone.

God knows my heart.  God knows my need - I am in agreement with Him in healing.  I trust Him.  He will guide me in what I need, be it people to help me heal - or whatever manifestations  I need.  He already has the prayer answered, in His eyes I'm already healed.  I thank Him for answering prayers that I cannot see yet, and the strength to get there.   May you too be blessed by my struggles, and my sharing,  Thank you Jesus.  God Bless you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016


I've been in much thought about my childhood as of late.  Not a subject that I particularly enjoy - but one that must be endured, especially as I work thru this current addictive process that I an incurring.  I gave up my credit cards - only to open up another charge account.  I'm not certain what I was thinking.  Oh I know what I was thinking - I want a new coffee table and a new rug for my new apartment - but how ridiculous?  It is so sneaky and pervasive.  I lie to myself - the denial is so strong.  I don't want to be accountable - and I want to have what I want, when I want it.   I want the control.  And that is it.  Control.

My recent session with my therapist was about the feelings associated with where I am at with my mom.  She's past now and I've not shed a single tear.  I know that this isn't normal.  However, I'm so conflicted.  I do miss her, but not the relationship that we had.  We had no relationship.  It was a facade.  A superficial facade.  This feels very sad and there are so many times when I am saddened because I did not have a real relationship with my mother.  This is compounded with multiple feelings.  Sadness, anger, rage - feelings of nothingness --- inadequacy, defectiveness, and shame.  Please know that my transparency - and the reasoning behind it is in the hope against hope that someone somewhere might be enlightened by my honesty.  There has to be others out there that had mother's like mine.  I know that there are because I've read about them at Psychology Today's website.  I've read other blogs about it and the comments.  I know that I'm not the only one.

My mother was evil.  So evil in fact that I've blocked out pretty much the entirety of my childhood.  I cannot remember hardly anything.  People share about "when I was 6"..... and I just sit there...astonished at how they can recall the information.  I remember hiding in closets, and under this huge claw footed dining room table that we had with a big table cloth on it.  I'd hide for hours on end.  I did not matter anyway - and I was invisible in my family.  My words did not matter, I had no voice. My presence did not matter - all I do remember was getting into trouble or being criticized by my mother, so why not hide?  It felt safer.  Safer than always being afraid.  Fear was all that I knew.  I was either being beaten up by my brothers, or yelled at by my mom.

Now this isn't the way that my brothers would tell it.  No, they saw a whole different life for me.  They believed that I was spoiled rotten.  It may have looked that way, but it didn't feel that way.  I don't know if either of them have ever read my blog (I doubt it) but I'd be surprised if they had.... my eldest brother hates me.  I'm not sure as to why.  He actually doesn't even know me.  I have cousin's and nieces that I have no contact with.  Quite dysfunctional.  What I did, I do not know.  Speak?  Try and be a person?  That must be it.  For I've never had a voice, and it was preferred.

At any rate - my addictive behaviors all stem from the family of origins.  I'm trying to heal.  Addiction is a pervasive illness.  It stems from a feeling of emptiness.  A void.  A lack.  What I like to call "The Black Whole."  It's shucked many people and many things into it, and they don't come back out.  It's wreaked havoc in my life for many a year.  It morphs and changes to suit the timing in my life.  I praise God that it's not drugs and alcohol now, but it's still got control of me, nonetheless.  It still wants fed.  It reminds me of a line from the movie, 'The Never Ending Story',  "Those who have no hope are easily controlled."  Yet I have hope.  At least I think I do.  Perhaps a part of me has given up because of the difficulty that I have in trusting.  It even affects my relationship  with God.  I really have a great deal of distain in saying/admitting this.  How does a person learn to trust when they couldn't trust one of the most important people in their lives???  An my father wasn't much help.  He did not protect me either.  My mother was in control.  Definitely.  She wore the pants in the family.  Sadly I say.

Somehow this will work itself out.  I did give up my cards - even if I did open up a line of credit - I only charged a small amount.  I don't have any intentions of charging more.  I know that I have to get this under control.  I work on trusting God everyday - and I don't even know if it's a lack of trust of God - or it's just lack of trust of myself.  I'm in some kind of process - and I'm not even sure what it is.

Things are going well, I've friends now at least.  My new home is wonderful, and I'm in church.  I actually had weekend plans last week.  People are coming to visit.  I have one friend I can see right now is only out for themselves - and I have got to axe that.  But things are going well, and I have goals.  I'm going to try and volunteer at the place where I go to therapy.  I'm going to go today.  I know that I will feel a lot better if I'm useful.

God will help me heal.  I've prayed for healing - and He will help me heal.  Writing helps.  Hope helps.  Being and getting in touch with my feelings associated with it, helps.  God will guide my steps.  This I do trust.  I know that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  I believe, and I have faith that God helps me daily make better choices than I made the day before.  God is healing me where I don't have the answers.  I cannot undo what she did or didn't do.  Only God can do this.  I cannot make a relationship where there was none.  Only God can do this.  He will guide my steps and  heal my heart - like only God can do.  I have to just hold on, keep believing, and have faith.  Healing takes time, and I deserve it.  This is the hardest part to believe - that I matter, but I do.