Monday, December 10, 2012
Love, forgiveness and friendship.
I heard from an old friend yesterday. One I thought I'd not hear from again. We'd had words... well, I'd said my piece. We'd both been struggling, and some things had been said that I didn't know how to deal with. I did what I do, for sake of knowing what to do, I wrote her a letter and distanced myself.
I get overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed with my own pain - physical, mental, and emotional. I carry around a great deal from day to day - as most of us do - but there are days when I have a lot of stuff inside of me. Somedays I'm just angry because I'm in pain all the time, and others, well it's just more like feelings of powerlessness. I have a lot of side affects from the medicines that I take, and this brings on a whole new set of challenges - nausea, headaches, dizziness, and the like. All of these types of circumstances that I deal with, make me feel well, in a word, small. I choose small because all of it seems so large in my life. I will not feel sorry for myself - it is just an emotion that I don't do - I'd rather be angry at the ordeal than throw a pity party. I've been like this, or sick in some way for many years now - and you just learn how to deal.
This affects my life in a myriad of ways. If I'm not careful. I have been known to listen to a lot of other people's pain. Like it or not, when we do, we absorb part of it. The kind of spirit that I have, wounded from life - I actually feel what the other person is talking about. It is beyond compassion. I can't explain it, it is just part of who I am. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and if I don't respond a certain way - it overtakes me. I have to practice a certain kind of self-care with certain people. People, really like me- that have intense issues. People that I love dearly.
This is someone that called me out of the blue last night. Someone I love dearly. Someone that I had - well, not dealt with very well. The amazing thing about her is that she knows me perhaps better than anyone on this planet - an knows why I do what I do. She will let months go by, let me have time to think, and then reconnect. I must say, I'm grateful for this. I needed her and have needed her these last few weeks.
You ever have that kind of person that knows exactly what your saying before you finish? The one that actually says, "I get that!" The one human that makes you feel like your not in some Siberian winter all alone, freezing to death in life. Well, she is that to me. I've never quite met anyone like her - and doubt that I will again - for there is only one of her. We're miles apart, but I feel so loved. We always come back to our friendship, even after years at time, and right where we left off. We share insights, ideas, and dreams with each other. It is sort of odd, but if I've ever had a soul mate in a friend, she'd be it. She just gets me. She is always telling me how wonderful I am - and I can hear it. Most of the time when others compliment me, it doesn't resonate in my heart like it does when she does it. I know that she means it.
We've had a lot of forgiving to do in this friendship at different times. It's just been done. There is an acceptance of our humanness and our infallibility. Her and I both have gone through some difficult, trying times - together and apart. We're survivors. We're victors. We've never been victims. We age and we grow, and we grow and we grow.
It is wonderful to know when you have a person whom you know has your best interest at heart. It is so safe, and warm. All possibility lies in this relationship. There is no fear - and no limitations. Just room for growth. This is what forgiveness brings - a clear heart. I don't know if there are people out there that feel this - I know that there must be, I feel it.
I needed her essence in my life. I had a rough time of it lately. I've been inside my own head way too much. Loneliness is well, in a word and in life hard to describe. It can be so painful. Especially to a communicator like me. It can almost bring madness. Being victim to your own thoughts over and over. Without relief it is a living hell. Somedays, I hate my own though patterns. That is when I pray for relief. I wonder does this make me somewhat insane. I think it is just the pain of being alone day after day. Most folks don't understand - it's like solitary confinement. Except there is no jail.
God gave me what I needed yesterday, and she forgave me for my distancing myself some months back. It was what I needed to do, at the time. I hope I've grown. I always hope I grow. I forge forward, everyday. Someone said to me last week, "Be positive Gina!', I wanted to hit him. Most people have no idea what I go through, the internal battle, just to get up and get out the door. Some days everything in me tells me just to go back to bed. I fight it, and forge on. My legs hurt, my back hurts, and I don't want to move. However, I know if I sit here, it's not going to change one aspect of my life and I will only focus on the pain - if I get up and get going, I have the chance to accomplish something. However small - I did not let the pain defeat me. I won for another day. It may eat at me mentally - and it breaks through physically at times, but spiritually I can rise above it. That's where I retain control.
If your struggling with something in your life, know that it doesn't have to defeat you. Reach for the people that really know you and your worth. The soul feeders. The ones that help you feel less lost in the world. It can make all the difference in the world in your pursuit. Forgiveness is the key to freedom. Use it to unlock your life. Resentment and anger are a fools mental preoccupation. We use it to avoid the real pain about the situation. Feel that pain and move forward. The only way out is through the pain, trust me I've been through enough. The gift is waiting on the other side. The transformation, the illumination. You will see things in a whole new light.
I'm grateful my friend took the risk. Risks are an awesome thing. Frightening and sometimes tricky - but they're always worth it because you learn. Even if it doesn't turn out like you think - you've gained something. Stepping into the unknown is always like that.
Friendships are the connections of my life. They mean everything to me. They go deeper than my family (with exception to my Dad) really ever did. They are on a completely different level. These people choose to be around you. What an amazing gift. Do you know that Christ Himself calls us friend? Yes, it is in the bible. This is so heartwarming. We are not alone. We are not intended to be alone. I thank God for forgiveness - both the ability to be forgiven, and the ability to forgive. I see both sides of it. I've been on both sides of it. The healing that takes place is miraculous. I'm a firm believer in miracles, both large and small. Prayer changes things. It just does. I'm living proof. I asked for an answer to this loneliness - and my friend picked up the phone. If that isn't an answer, I don't know what is. She forgave me, another gift. When I view the world through eyes of love, love is what I get back. When I view them through misery - misery is what I get. It's all in the perception... It's not always this simple, but sometimes it is. The choice is always there. We can start over at any given time, and interject new thought. Being loving is a choice, it's an attitude. In this world, I won't say it will be easy - but nothing worthwhile ever is. If more of us chose, it would be a better place. Choose love today - choose peace - choose to be compassionate and kind. See how your day goes. Just keep coming back to center and remembering your choices - and go out and do it. I think you'll be quite surprised at the day you have. We are the change we wish to see in the world - one person at a time.