Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The difference a day can make.

I had an awesome day yesterday.  There is the possibility that I might get to do something I've wanted to do all my life.  It sprang out of no where... as wonders do.  I left where I volunteer so high on life - and filled with renewal I cried.  God does know the desires of my heart and wants them for me.  It isn't as if I don't believe it, I guess it just took me a bit by surprise with the mindset I've had these last few days.  

I've seriously been battling my mind and I've concluded I'm in a depressive mood.  Thinking the kinds of thoughts that I have are not normal.  I've had such negative feelings, thinking people don't want me around, and that certain ones are angry with me.  None of this is true you see, it is all in my mind.  My mind has been betraying me because of this med.  My perception of the world is off.  My perception of Gina has been askew.  Lessening the dose has seemed to help a bit - I don't feel as if I want to rip my skin off -- but I've still got to deal with the unwelcome thoughts.  I'll process my way out of it, thank God I know what it is.  There are those in the throws of it that don't know it isn't reality.  

If I get the opportunity to do what's being proposed, it will greatly alter my life.  It will be a grand transformation, and one that I have been waiting for.  It will get me out of these apartments, and working with addicts again.  I dare to dream.  

I'm so grateful, that those that I've been working with believe in me.  I presented my resume last week.  It is old mind you, because I have not worked in 12 years as I've been disabled.  It does not mean that I cannot still do what I know I am meant to do - for now it looks like it might come to fruition.  I'm kind of in awe.  I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket however... it  might now pan out.  I will still be happy I was considered for the position, and perhaps a little disappointed if it doesn't work out.  I've always, since my second internship, wanted to oversee a halfway house.  I understand that the house itself is beautiful.  

I feel much clearer in my thinking, and I'm getting better.  I'm starting to feel like the old me.  I find out today how long I have to keep taking this med and at what dose.  I shall ascribe to less is more from now on.  Leave well enough alone.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  If I have to I'll carry notebooks to remember, this is what I have to do.  

I feel the  power of God in my life again.  It feels wonderful.  I'd lost touch with this too.  I need His guiding strength.  I don't see how anyone gets by in this world without it.  I came home after getting the news and cried joyful tears.  I humbly prayed that if this proposition is God's will, then for Him to let me have it.  I only want what is God's will in my life, for all other things are chaos.  I live for His peace.  I strive to live my life as humbly, earnestly, and gracefully as I can.  The greatest of these is to live in love.  It is sometimes the hardest, especially when it is someone that we don't even like.  Love your neighbor - most of us don't even know our neighbors.  Life has gotten so far from what it was meant to be...  

I know that I say it over and over, but I'm so grateful.  For so many things.  I'm not a person that has anywhere near having everything circumstance wrapped up.  However gratitude has nothing to do with this.  It is a spirit of thankfulness.  I don't know but I believe it begets positive energy.  I believe it draws people to us.  People want to be near someone with a bright spirit.  I have a picture on my old iPhone and I have a purple aura.  I think that is awesome.  It is a double aura.  Whatever that may mean.  I know that there are just times when I burst with brightness.  Like yesterday and now.  I can literally feel changes on the horizon.  Change is such a gift.  Our lives are such gift.  If only we could share the wealth with others, let our spirits touch others.  Brighten someone else's day.  Be the beauty you want to see in the world, lest it not happen!  It must originate from somewhere.  Let your kindness be the difference in someones day.  Simple gestures mean a lot.   You be the propelling force behind someone going home and thinking - today was different.   

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