Monday, December 31, 2012

Year-end thoughts and Hope.

This has been some year.  I've been through quite a bit.  God has gotten me through, despite what I thought.  I'd came off the heels of taking care of my Mom for a very intense eight months.  A woman who's got a very difficult, demanding personality.  Topple this with a touch of dementia - narcissism and plain resentful character - and you got my Momma.  I rarely had a moments peace - and three cats, plus my dog.  Oh, and I forgot to add the abusive brother.  Needless to say ~ anxiety was at an all time high.  I'd came back from Minnesota - and eight months of wonderful A.A. - time to myself, albeit a very lonely time... but with much introspection.  I was pushed to the  limit, mentally and physically.  I look back now and I do not know how I did it.  I drank a bit from time to time.  I talked quite a bit to friends.  Thank God for friends.  I ultimately rededicated my life back to God - and began the fight to restore my life.  I came home from St. Paul with nothing but my clothes and shoes - and my cooking knife.  Oh, and my flag box with the memento's of my dad.  It's really all I have left of him, everything else of his was either stolen, sold or burned.  Wiped off the face of the earth, as if he never existed.  And trust me, that will hurt me, the rest of my life.  No amount of grieving will ever do that justice.  Especially for the man that he was, not just to me, but to other people.  It is a grief so deep, I cannot describe it.  

So going back to that house, was quite the chore.  Facing one of the people that played a part in the destruction, was tremendous.  That forgiveness, was of God.  I'd prayed for miracles for months in a tiny bathroom in St. Paul - to forgive what had taken place - the courage to move on - from the devastation of my life.  I stepped back into that nightmare.  I still feel it in my gut - as I write.  These are the kinds of things that I speak of when I say, "walking wounded."  

God has propelled me through it all.  I nearly got beaten again merely for speaking my mind.  Momma was financially raped again - and has no possessions left.  My family is an horrendous lot.  I have one sibling that has no conscious.  This makes for havoc wreaking in one's family.  It is astounding what one family member can do in the ripping apart of the entire family unit.  The even more stupefying fact is that that family member can work so hard to deflect it's guilt and damages onto another.  He projects his handiwork, upon me.  According to him, I am the liar, I am the thief, I am the anti-christ.  I always have been.  It has never ceased to amaze me.  Being daddy's little girl has been a curse for me.  And my addiction - has fit right in...  Spectacular dynamics. Yet, God is walking me through it.     

I fought hard for years to attempt to try and get this individual to see me for who I really am.  It took most of my energy.  I no longer care.  That was a gift.  I'm resigned in my soul who I am, and it does not mater what he thinks.  All that I know is the events that took place have shaped me - moulded me into the woman that I am now.  I am kind, gentle and I try to be a humble person.  However, I have the strength of a warrior.  I have fought battles.  Battles of the soul, heart and mind.  Battles that I would not wish upon anyone.  However, upon retrospection -- I was never alone.  

Pain makes us feel alone.  It seems to single us out.  I heard on the christian radio yesterday morning before church that God always uses pain to teach us.  It is never wasted.  I guess I knew this, but it really hit home yesterday.  Pain equals growth.  This I know.  That is why when people avoid pain - they turn to something to numb - or become neurotic.  Pain does not just go away.  It settles into the body and it takes on a life of it's very own.  I believe if we endure enough of it and don't deal, it will eventually kill us.  I guess that's not very positive, but it's real.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Pain shared, is pain lessened.  It's like a pressure valve - when we talk to someone, and the greater the listener the more pressure is relieved.  The better we feel, the more connected, less vulnerable to the suffering, more able to cope.  God created man to have a partner - so he would not be alone.... and when He finished, He said, "It is very good."  We need each other in life.  It doesn't have to be a member of the opposite sex - but find someone that you know can listen and validate you.  

I am so very grateful for the people in my life.  The ones that validate me and my experiences.  The ones that hold me in high esteem in their hearts.  I hold them high in mine.  I believe, and God's word says that we are to be willing to lay down our lives for our friends.  That is a commitment.  One I do not take lightly.  Nor did my Father.  He was my mentor - and the very first human to teach me about Jesus.  For that and all of the other things, to numerable  to mention - I adored him.  Life without him still is very difficult.  But I'm making the link from my earthen Father to my heavenly Father for I know I need to on that level.  My Father died, and He (Christ) brought me to my church, my precious church, from which I've found heaven on earth.  Now, I adore it.  God always knows what He's doing.  There isn't anything, nor anyone that could have taken the place of my Pops.  However, my church has resurrected my faith in life, and my hope.  It's given me hope and faith like I've never had it.  Gratitude does not even begin to describe what I feel.  I knew that religion was not the answer for me, it is relationship - with Jesus.  Hope in Glory, and Grace.  Knowing who I am to God.  That revelation  has transformed my life.  Faith really means something now.  Everything that has happened has made me a strong christian woman - who has dreams again.  A christian woman who believes she has a purpose again, and that I have the courage to get out there and find it.  God speaks to me through the Holy Spirit - and it's amazing.  I have found peace like I'd never known - despite bobbles here and there.  I'm still learning, accepting God's love and grace.  What a blessing.  

It's going to be a great year.

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