Showing posts from 2013

Your Grace Finds Me (Live From LIFT: A Worship Leader Col...

Pure Grace

I adore this scripture.  It reads in my bible:   "Having wiped out the hand writing of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us.  And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." Colossians 2:14 

There is so much that Jesus did for us, it is hard to know where to begin.  It is difficult to speak of His great grace without acknowledging my own life.  I will do the former, and blend in my own life as I go.  

I worship at a grace church.  We don't do sinners saved week after week.  We don't do condemnation. We don't do anything but Jesus.  There is radical difference between the two churches.  We believe that confession is to tell God the truth.  We believe in telling the truth.  We don't however believe that we're sinners any longer.  We believe that Jesus paid our sin debt once and for all, at Calvary.  

We're (as a set of believers) often ridiculed for our belief system, because we don't believe that we're und…

Walking Wounded - take heed.

I've had the occasion as of late to brush up to other peoples pain.  It made mine look like a sunshiny day.  Pain so vast, that it had changed their character.  It was so vast, that it gave me pause.  It took my breath.  The bowels of compassion in me opened like a deep wound.  Unable to help this person, I felt inept.  Powerless even.  As I write now - I realize how this could lead someone to express themselves as one person, but the pain bring them to a much different reality.  There is a vast difference between what we "want" to be than in what we are indeed capable.  It lies in our unresolved pain.  

Pain will make you hide.  Pain will make you think you are ugly.  It will make you think that everyone is out to get you.  It will make you suspect everything that someone does for you - or to you.  It doesn't always matter what kind of pain, but when it comes to relationships, that is where it is going to rear it's ugly head.  There are things that are going to h…


It's been a long time since I've written.  I've been busy writing papers for school, which I never actually thought I'd return to.  Alas, I have and although I struggle, I'm getting through.  I'm finding that my mind just doesn't work the way that I'd like, and the way it did at thirty-something.  My comprehension is down.  Way down.  I have to work much harder than I ever have at making the grades.  I am very undisciplined.  I suppose this should not be a shocker, but it upsets me quite a bit.  In all actuality, when I think of it not much has changed - it's still the same old procrastination.  I push myself up all the way to the edge with thing - I just finished an essay that's been assigned for at least two weeks.  I tried to complete it prior, but it just wouldn't come.  Sometimes I have problems like that - the information will not just flow.  I guess it is the equivalent of writers block?  Who knows.

I'm still single, and have not…

Finding hope in a narcissistic world.

I am infinitely aware of humans need  for self focus.  Try and start a conversation with someone and see where it ends up.  There is little give and take of information any longer - just try a little experiment with some one you 'sort of know' and see where it ends up.  I can nearly promise you it will end up on their story - their life, their worlds view.  Even if you started to tell them something important, or were a little upset.  We've become a generation of "Oh I have to tell you about me!!!"  And, "what was is again you were saying?"...  If that even enters their minds.  I don't think that I'm the only person on the universe that is burdened by these vampires.  That's what they do.  They suck the blood out of you and leave you bleeding.  I met a new one just recently.  I'd been hearing her details --- for a few weeks, and I needed someone to talk to badly, yesterday.  I did not get what I thought I'd get.  Or  I did get what I…


I've been ill again.  I've had two UTI's and passed three or four kidney stones.  I thought for a moment that I was going to have to go to the hospital.  Most would have - but I have an extremely high pain tolerance.  It's either that or I'm just plain nuts.  I don't know which.  

I haven't figured out why I continue to become ill - I actually think I have a suppressed immune system.  I think, albeit the doctors cannot find, an autoimmune disease.  I suppose this is a good thing.  However, not knowing what is wrong, I continue to suffer from it.  It weakens (being sick all the time) the spirit, and wears on the mind.... tremendously.  It makes it very hard to stay on top of my studies.  I was able to finish a paper that is due, and I am grateful for that.  

After living life as a disabled person, where all that you have is time -- basically to do whatever you like; I'm finding study a hard application.  Most would say, "you've been ill Gina,"…

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying. …

Hope ~ Faith

I've been struggling with some matters of the heart as of late.  Mostly because I love someone that I can't be with.  We've all been there.  I've wrestled with until I'm tired of it -- and I'm giving it to God.  This is where things belong - things that I cannot handle, nor change.  Matter of fact, everything in my life - belongs to God.  

I spent an entire day reading, crying, searching, and digging in my bible in search of answers.  I did find them.  God is always available - and I adore this.  I found scripture that I'd read before, but it had never been quite so illuminating as it was that day.  I've also been reading a book that God placed in my hands, "Healed Without Scars" by David G. Evans.  It spoke to me at Goodwill.  With my having had so many surgeries - and the emotional scars of my life... well the darn book jumped into my hands.  It has been exactly what I needed.  It is a book about spiritual healing through Jesus through our fa…

"Becoming willing"

Willingness takes an enormous amount of courage.  I pray for it sometimes.  Much depends upon what it is we're attempting to do - me?  I'm battling with my  last two addictions.  Nicotine, and spending.  I'm so tired of it.  It seems we almost have to be broken, to let somethings go.  I have yet to comprehend this.  Especially when it comes to my smoking.  Why a person does something over and over, that knowingly is harmful, is oblivious to me.  Well of course, we know it's addictive - and despite my internal dislike, I do it - over and over.

A slave some would say.  Perhaps I am.  I look at my trash can, and it's full of spent monies - that I'd really rather have gone elsewhere.  Burning up money -- that's what smoker's do.  It's actually quite insane.  It isn't even pleasurable any longer.  So the veritable question remains, why do it?  The only answer I have - which may not seem reasonable to many, is: because my brain tells me to.



I've had the pleasure of being in someone's presence who calms my heart,a few times in my life.  I consider it an honor.  Those rare person's whom seem to hold your heartbeat in their eyes.  They just make breathing, easier.  They enlarge the heart.  Everything that you experience, a gift.  A gift, straight from Heaven.  No matter where you go nor what you do -- there is such a sublime specialness to it, just to be near them.  Most often times, they are not even aware.  

We live in a world that seems to support nondisclosure of such feelings.  It's just too raw.  It leaves the heart to wide open,  most would say -- for hurt.  Yet, the life that I live and believe in -- does not allow me to hide behind such walls.  If there's ever been great loss -- one is almost pressed, to make full disclosure.  As I live and breathe, I have made it my passion to tell the people that I love, that I love them.  Most would consider it naive - reckless even - I call it being living li…

Heart of God


"Saving" Faith.....

I've been struggling as of late.  Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc.  I met with a new therapist today.  I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her.  Trust, is a big issue with me.  I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew.  I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good.  I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy.  Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even.  Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair.  My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.  

I mention my Father often in my blog.  I think of my Father, every single day.  I miss him.  I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him.  I guess I do this because I'm not s…

Loneliness/Don't you need?

I know at this writing that there are others who understand how I feel at times.  That state of feeling completely, utterly alone in a world full of people.  The emptiness, the depression, the sadness of being that sinks to my soul.  The wondering, the searching -- the pain in the endless question, "will I be like this the rest of my life?"

I was lying in the tanning bed last night, it had been storming earlier, raining for the past few days two ... crying.  I know what I feel it a normal result of a lack of human contact - and a missing basic need.  Chances are, it's more than one.  Love and belonging.  It's a basic need.  Food, shelter,  I have those things, (praise God) however I lack people in my life.  I have no sisters, I'm not close (that's putting it nicely) with my brothers, and all other family is far away - and we don't interact much.  I have one or two very close friends, but they have full families, and busy schedules.  They don't know …

Closer to Divine

I adore this song.  I adore these women.  I saw them in Minneapolis in the 90's.  Listening to them brings back precious memories of times that were so fresh and free.  

As this song says, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  How true that is.  

I've been at such unrest lately.  Struggling to figure out the why's and where fore's.  I know that everything we go through in life has reason -- and lesson.  However, I also know that sometimes it just takes time and quiet for the answers to come.  It seems the harder I dig, the more disquiet I become.  I grow farther from God.  I cannot hear His voice, and it is His voice that I want to hear.  

I don't know what it is about the human mind, that relies upon itself.  Where we get that we have to do this life thing on our own.  It actually takes work, a steady practice to keep God in my life.  I don't admit that easily.  I guess that comes from an analytical mind.  A 'fig…

Ramblings of an unquiet mind........

I've been trying to settle my mind enough to write for the last three days.  I have so much in my head.  I've not written in so long - several things have transpired - job loss, relationships, emotional turmoil, beginnings, and endings.  I've ran into toxic people.  You know the kind.  The ones that either make you want to cut you're own throat, or theirs.  I've done some things 'unbecoming' of myself.   Nothing drastic, but things that I wrestle with in my spirit today, and yesterday.

I struggle with relationships that are difficult.  I am a creature of peace.  I do NOT like discord.  I avoid it at all cost.  It is not because I cannot take proper care of myself, but because I do have a dark side, just like everyone else.  Buttons get pushed, things get said that cannot be taken back - and there's inappropriate behavior at times.  I'm one of those persons too - that things don't always 'hit' me right away -- it might take me a minute o…

God Girl - enthralled with Love.

I haven't written in awhile, although I think about it quite a bit.  I just feel like I have to have something specific to say when I do write.  Well, today, I'm just merely in love with Christ.  Not merely - that doesn't sound right - I'M IN LOVE WITH CHRIST!  There, that's better.

One may scoff, decide not to read - but I write to those who will.  I write to all, for there might be one, just one that's curious enough to see, why?  I've got lots, oodles and oodles of whys.

Christ has changed my life, one hundred and eighty degrees.  If you've read previous blogs, you know where I came from - a life filled with stress, resentment, anger, distrust, and addiction.  I even at times despised my own mother.   However, God (Jesus and God are to me, one in the same, interchangeable) - has melted my heart.

I've always known that God was the answer, I was raised in church.  I've read my bible while so high I burned the pages, and the cover of my olde…