Thursday, December 19, 2013

Your Grace Finds Me (Live From LIFT: A Worship Leader Col...

Pure Grace

I adore this scripture.  It reads in my bible:   "Having wiped out the hand writing of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us.  And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." Colossians 2:14 

There is so much that Jesus did for us, it is hard to know where to begin.  It is difficult to speak of His great grace without acknowledging my own life.  I will do the former, and blend in my own life as I go.  

I worship at a grace church.  We don't do sinners saved week after week.  We don't do condemnation. We don't do anything but Jesus.  There is radical difference between the two churches.  We believe that confession is to tell God the truth.  We believe in telling the truth.  We don't however believe that we're sinners any longer.  We believe that Jesus paid our sin debt once and for all, at Calvary.  

We're (as a set of believers) often ridiculed for our belief system, because we don't believe that we're under the law of Moses any longer.  We are under a new covenant.  Jesus was the final Lamb.  There are no more sacrifices.  If there were, we'd still be under the old mosaic law.  We are under grace.  Just because we don't believe in the ten commandments, doesn't mean that we are free to break them, indeed, once you understand all that Christ did on the cross, why would one want to conduct themselves in such a manner?  However, we are ridiculed.  

We are a group of believers that focus our lives on our relationship with Christ, and His finished work on the cross.  The more you understand what and who Christ was, He makes Himself manifest inside of you.  It just happens the more you hear God's word.  

Christ was born, lived, suffered, and died for us.  While yet we are in sin, He loves us.  We serve a God that loves us so much (we cannot really even comprehend) that He made Himself into human flesh that He might know our feelings, out pain, and our strife - so that He would know us.  Our every living, breathing, moment.  He was tortured for us.  I think that is pretty amazing - it separates us from every other form of believers.  We are NOT religious.  Religion is for people who serve men, not God.  Rules not love.  Jesus is love.  God is love.  The only two commandments that Jesus gave us was 1). To love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, and your soul.  2).  To love your neighbor as yourself.  It's not exact but close as I know them.  Both of these commandments have to do with love.  The bible says that we are to love one another as Jesus loved.  And Jesus loved us with everything that He had, His whole life was a mission of love.  A life of sacrifice.  

People in the old testament could not follow the law.  All through the old testament they worshiped other Gods.  They did despicable things, and God had to save them, thus the foreshadowing of Jesus - whom had been there from the beginning of time.  We had to have a Savior, for from the moment that Eve ate the apple, (before actually) God knew we were going to have to have Christ.  

I wish I could explain all that I've learned of grace -- and how it's so miraculously changed my life.  The peace that I've found in the never ending rest that I've found in it's immeasurable life giving gift.  The gift of Jesus.  He's became the center of my universe, my breath, my life, my reason for living.  I know that no matter what my circumstance, He is awaiting my arrival with answers I'd never dreamed.  I don't have to fight with anything any longer, his grace and favor find me with out my having to do anything but love Him.  I have nothing to do but praise Him, pray, and trust.  As unsettling as this unstable world has become, I fear nothing.  I know that God has my destiny.  My every answer is in Jesus.  He sits at the right hand of God, and He is my everything.  My life is blessed.  There are so many scriptures that I'd love to share, so much of my bible that is so tender to me.  The words, like velvet.  He's given me meaning and direction.  He's given me purpose, and most of all, love.  

I hope that you find grace in your lifetime.  It's peace far surpasses anything that this world has to offer.  It is a peace that stands outside space and time, and is in Christ alone.  I honor it like I honor life.  It is a gift.  That was one of the things that Christ gave to his disciples.  I know that I have reached this place in my life due to the road that I was supposed to travel.  I'm humbled and in awe.  I'm more grateful than words can describe.  Life just makes sense.  I'm in poverty but life makes sense.  It's only for a season.  

Grace and peace to you...

Ephesians 1:7  "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of his grace."

Monday, December 16, 2013

Walking Wounded - take heed.

I've had the occasion as of late to brush up to other peoples pain.  It made mine look like a sunshiny day.  Pain so vast, that it had changed their character.  It was so vast, that it gave me pause.  It took my breath.  The bowels of compassion in me opened like a deep wound.  Unable to help this person, I felt inept.  Powerless even.  As I write now - I realize how this could lead someone to express themselves as one person, but the pain bring them to a much different reality.  There is a vast difference between what we "want" to be than in what we are indeed capable.  It lies in our unresolved pain.  

Pain will make you hide.  Pain will make you think you are ugly.  It will make you think that everyone is out to get you.  It will make you suspect everything that someone does for you - or to you.  It doesn't always matter what kind of pain, but when it comes to relationships, that is where it is going to rear it's ugly head.  There are things that are going to have to be worked out in relationships that will not be able to be worked out anywhere else.  It is an every going disaster waiting to happen. It comes from the place of our need.  It is very frightening to need someone, yet we all do.  

The needs begin with food and shelter.  Once those are met, then there are the belonging needs.  The one's that have to do with love and acceptance.  We all have need of belonging in this world and it's amazing what we will do and allow to get it.  We'll sometimes allow abuse, emotional and physical - to get it.  It's like food that we're starved for.  Some of us are starved.  I've been in this position several times in my life.  This is what sets us up for the abuse - it takes us to the bursting point in order to get what we're dying for -- belonging.  

As we meet each other we present ourselves as the best as we can be.  We put our best feet forward in the presentation.  We want others to think of us as we want to think of ourselves.  It's rarely who we are in all actuality.  It isn't as if were lying, it is who we wish we were.  It is who we aspire to be.  This is why there comes a point in the love affair where the novelty wears off and we're seen as we actually are - and the honey moon seems to stop - but hopefully the love endures.  Sometimes it doesn't.  If there is too much that has taken place or too much distance between what has been presented and the truth - it just cannot be repaired.  This is why people need to take time in the beginning and get to know the other person.  However, it's rarely done.  We usually jump right in with both feet.  I'm as guilty of it as the next person...  It's that air of overwhelm when you meet someone that feels right after a bad string of wrongs.  It's exciting, and breathtaking.  And we love the whole kit and kabootle.  It's a love affair after all, it isn't supposed to be logical.  However, at some point, someone has to be logical.  Especially if we run into a snag, and invariably we do.  

This is usually the jumping off point for most folks, where the relationship ends.  It's where the truth of the matter comes to light - we're not all that and we're really human's with flaws.  He leaves the seat up on the toilette - the cap off the toothpaste, and the bathroom light on all at once.  Plus, his towels, and whisker bits all over the bathroom sink.  Everything that you once thought about his being "Mr. Wonderful" comes crushing to a halt.  He's a tad insensitive as well - however you've grown quite fond of him, so what's a person to do?  It isn't as if you're perfect either... He's noticed that you drool in your sleep and that you hog the bed.  The list goes on...

These types of things are minor, trust me.  The bigger stuff is yet to come.  These things are minor milestones in the process.  These are but the tiny truths we learn about each other - the more serious stuff like, now how a person deals with grief - now that's the big stuff.  That is the stuff that makes or breaks a marriage.  How he treats you when you loose someone very important to you, or when he looses someone important to him, will make or break the deal.  A lot of it depends on past hurts.  

It's all about exposure.  Pulling of the covers of life.  We begin to let this other person see who we are verses who we want others to know.  It just sort of happens automatically.  The guard comes down, as we live our lives together.  We can't possibly hold up the perfect role any longer.  It's just too much work.  And it isn't as if we are doing it on purpose, it's all a part of the design of courtship.  Of course we want people to think the best of us - that's just common sense.  And of course it has to come out that we aren't all that and a box of chocolates.  Hopefully we've strength of character and integrity - to withstand the reveal.  This is wherein it lies - character to withstand the unveiling process.  Some do, some don't.  Some people are serial relationship people - they run from one to another -- but that's a whole different blog.  We are talking about commitment here.  We are talking about the art of compromise.  For it is an art form.  "I'll let you see who I really am - if you promise not to leave me in the process, and you also show me who you are."  This is the deal.  Acceptance.  Letting go of expectations.   This is how relationships blend into unconditional love.  

A lot can happen in this process.  If there is going to be abuse, neglect, avoidance, shame, guilt, any sort of unwillingness to share in the unrevealing of the truth - the relationship will not make it through the process.  That is what I found as of late.  When the reveal happened, I was so shocked at what was underneath, I could not handle the emotionality of it.  I was literally in shock.  Everything in my internalization told me it was dangerous to proceed.  I've come to trust my inner knowing.  Matter of fact, when we bristle up against such pain, I give anyone the permission to retreat from the situation at hand.  This revealing process is very important - and we must trust our intuition.  

My response was that I cried and was then resounded to abusively with "dry up those tears"...  I should have told said person to leave my house at that very moment.  I process slowly at times, and I have to work through information in the manner that I do - but I am getting better at it.  I've since broken all ties with this individual.  That one statement, crude as it was - and heartless, was enough for me.  I'll not be abused, nor will my feelings be belittled again, by a man nor a woman.  I've lived through enough.  I've far surpassed this juncture.  

I write for therapeutic purposes, and perhaps it will help someone else.  Just know that there will come a time when you can't keep being all that you want the other person to believe that you are.  It's just natural.  Even on our best days, we are only as great as we can hope we are.  It is much better to be true to yourself than to try to play the role of the perfect partner.  It isn't realistic.  He or she is going to discover the truth in the end anyway - and hopefully one does not have such monsters in their closets as I've found.  I find people who need healing because I'm a healer - they're drawn to me.  I did not come up with that myself, this is what's been explained.  I draw the walking wounded.  They come to me in search of healing.  The problem with this is I'm not in the healing business - I'm looking for a soul mate not a mate full of wounds.  There is a vast difference between what I have been called to do verses who I am and what I want out of life.  Some how the two have gotten mixed up - and perhaps somehow here I'm responsible for this, I don't know.  Alas, I digress.  

The unveiling can be a beautiful thing.  If he is hearty enough, he will love you for who and all that you are bump and bobbles an all.  It will make him love you all the more.  We learn to put the lid back on the toothpaste - and ask him to put down the lid of the toilette   Those types of things are very simple.  It's the big scary things that concern me.  Those are the ones I seem to attract.  I think I'll take a break from relationships for awhile and try and figure out what one can do to stop this.  

You must ask yourself what is your drawing line - that place where you dare not tread.  Knowing it in advance helps, it helps tremendously.  For if one does not have it, you will invariably find yourself in it.  People will push you to the edge - and watch you fall, and never offer a hand.  I do not understand this, nor do I like it.  This seems to be the manner of the universe.  It isn't that there aren't good people out there, but there's just more wounded.  Many of them don't even know their wounded.  I have heart for these people, and this is perhaps how they end up in my life.  I've in past, refused to see them as evil.  I'm rethinking this.  I'm thinking now that they do have an agenda.  I don't like that this is what I'm finding, but alas, I'm afraid it's true.  It's almost unsafe to be open, I'm finding this to be true more and more.  

Wolves come in sheep's clothing.  People will present themselves in their best interest.  However there will be a defining moment.  Trust your resources for that moment.  Do what you need to do to protect yourself.  I hope that in that defining moment what you see is honor, dignity and truth.  If it is not, know that there is more of whatever you just witnessed to follow.  More of what you just witnessed, only on a deeper more serious level.  Most of all, if a man presents himself to be one thing and then acts in direct incongruence - walk away.  This is just the beginning of his telling you lies.  He's just lied with his behavior.  He'll soon start lying with his words.  When you feel shaky on the inside, listen to it.  Something is wrong.  Heed it's warning.   It's only going to get worse.  Stick around if you dare - but I can tell you from experience - you'll live to regret it.  Wolves are predators - and they devour those that cross their path.  

We are all walking wounded to a certain degree - don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that what's be broken cannot be healed.  I'm an advocate of healing.  The difference is in those that want to heal.  The difference is in those that want to heal and those that want to hurt because they have been hurt so badly.  It's a vast difference.  A frightening malady.  It's an ideal that has brought me to rethink my whole approach to life.  I don't write this lightly.  Protect yourself from those that present themselves as whole human beings yet are scared deeply.  The scars will show - and you will know.  Conduct yourselves accordingly.  

Sunday, November 3, 2013


It's been a long time since I've written.  I've been busy writing papers for school, which I never actually thought I'd return to.  Alas, I have and although I struggle, I'm getting through.  I'm finding that my mind just doesn't work the way that I'd like, and the way it did at thirty-something.  My comprehension is down.  Way down.  I have to work much harder than I ever have at making the grades.  I am very undisciplined.  I suppose this should not be a shocker, but it upsets me quite a bit.  In all actuality, when I think of it not much has changed - it's still the same old procrastination.  I push myself up all the way to the edge with thing - I just finished an essay that's been assigned for at least two weeks.  I tried to complete it prior, but it just wouldn't come.  Sometimes I have problems like that - the information will not just flow.  I guess it is the equivalent of writers block?  Who knows.

I'm still single, and have not dated.  I've asked God the reasons for my aloneness.  I know that this is a healing time for me, and a time to trust the peace that I feel.  It is time for me to be still and meditative with God.  It's odd how even though we may know (or think that we know) the essence behind the substance - it isn't always palatable.  I did have a revelation of understanding at church service today.  Goodness, I adore my church.  It is likened to a clean, fresh, crisp bubbling brook when one's extremely thirsty.  One can approach it and drink, and drink living water.  Water that satisfies the soul.  There is nothing on earth that does that for me like God's word.  It is refreshment like no other.  Deep inside the yearnings of my heart and all that I long for, I can find solace in His word.  I learned today that Jesus has an unanswered prayer and that the coming of the Father cannot take place until that prayer is answered.  It makes perfect sense.  So many people believe that there's going to be world wars, and an anti-christ.  I think that is what they want.  I at least believe that is what they want to believe.  Of course that is what's being taught by many that don't seem to find deeper meaning behind the word that the scratching of the surface of it.  It takes dedication and an open mind.  Most have the dedication, but not the open mind.  I just find it intently interesting how man has rearranged God's word to mean what they want it to mean - and take context to a level that isn't even recognizable.  If I, a common lay-person can find meaning beyond some that profess to be leaders, honestly - it's frightening.

I actually know that in terms of God's wisdom, I don't know anything.  He must show me things all the time.  My dreams and my desires get in the way of my understanding.  My simpleton mind is my own worst enemy.  I don't need some demonic figure speaking in my ear or giving me an "evil heart' like I heard on the christian radio the other day -- to side track myself.  I just don't see how anyone ever finds Jesus when He is behind the sledge hammer.  Let's beat you to pieces with sin to show you how much Jesus loves you --- sort of an oxymoron wouldn't you say?   The love of God doesn't require pain folks.  Much to many people's dismay.  One can follow Jesus, and live a beautiful life, leaving behind condemnation, shame and generational guilt.  I don't have guilt anymore, nor do I feel condemned.  Jesus bore all of that on the cross at Calvary.  Why would I want to continue to bare it?  He declared peace and love.  He loved the unloveable.  For someone that has lived the kind of life that I have ( a liar, a thief and a manipulator) - addiction, alcoholism and the like, this was the kind of answer that I'd been praying for my entire life.  I thought I'd found it in A.A. however I kept having to relive my past over and over.  In Jesus, I'm a new creation.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I have a new spirit, and a new body - if you will.  Even if you won't !  As the song says, "I've been redeemed ."  I'm not who I used to be any longer.  Those that would scoff at grace - don't even begin to understand what it means.  It's peace that surpasses all human comprehension.  I had an anxiety disorder -- high blood pressure, I say had, because I don't anymore.  I don't have an exemplary life.  I have an average (from the outside anyway) - life basically in poverty.  However, the depth of riches that I have internally cannot be communicated.  From what I've been given in glory - supersedes the monetary.   I thank God for my abundance!

There is nothing more precious to God than a compassionate heart.  He gave me one.  He gave me a gift that I get to share all my life.  My christianity is centered in love, and a deeply embedded desire to extend myself to my fellow human beings.  I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have to be.  God's love is so far from our understanding, and so vast that perfection is a silly state that we created.  It isn't something that He placed upon us, we place it upon ourselves.  The work is finished.  Jesus did what no one else on earth could have ever done.  He was our propitiation for sin.  All things are lawful to me, but they are not me.  Christ resides in my heart - it isn't as if I have to go to church to visit Him.  My life is His home.  What I feel, He feels.  He feels our inequities.   This is why God came to earth as a man, and that man was Jesus Christ.

If someone takes the time to read this and does not understand, leave a comment.  I'll get an email.  I'd love to answer you.  I've merely written what is on my heart.   God loves you immensely and you may not even be aware of it, or Him.  Or you may be in a faith that is breaking your back week after week due to the sin consciousness.  This is not what we became christians for.  Christ was the final lamb of God.  Hearing about sin, only makes us more aware of sin - the only thing that can change our lives is Jesus -- and knowing Him.  He came to save the world, not make it feel horrible for being human.  God made us human - and gave us a choice, what greater gift could we have been given?  What greater honor is there to Him than to choose Him?  Especially when one knows that from that choice, that decision is upon all foundation that lies our lives!  It isn't trivial, immature, unpopular or limiting to choose Jesus as your savior.  It is quite the opposite.  As God illuminates the morning sky, He will so beautify your life.  Where there was nothing, springs hope eternal.  It is just simply beyond explanation the heights and the depths in which Jesus will transform your world.  What do you have to do you ask?  Believe.  Believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that He came and saved the world.  I say "saved" because while we were yet sinners, He loved us.  You don't have to do anything to be saved.  There isn't a "getting ready" process as many believe.  You come as you are, and watch the transformation begin.  Jesus came to bring increase to the world, not decrease.  He wants you to prosper.

I don't know where all of this came from tonight other than feeling Jesus in my life.  Church was amazing, as it usually is - the power of God welled up inside of me.  I know I'm learning truth, for perhaps the first time in my life.  The foundation of God's word has been set, the branches growing prepared to bear fruit.  I know that there is a purpose for my life.  It begins and ends with Jesus.  

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Finding hope in a narcissistic world.

I am infinitely aware of humans need  for self focus.  Try and start a conversation with someone and see where it ends up.  There is little give and take of information any longer - just try a little experiment with some one you 'sort of know' and see where it ends up.  I can nearly promise you it will end up on their story - their life, their worlds view.  Even if you started to tell them something important, or were a little upset.  We've become a generation of "Oh I have to tell you about me!!!"  And, "what was is again you were saying?"...  If that even enters their minds.  I don't think that I'm the only person on the universe that is burdened by these vampires.  That's what they do.  They suck the blood out of you and leave you bleeding.  I met a new one just recently.  I'd been hearing her details --- for a few weeks, and I needed someone to talk to badly, yesterday.  I did not get what I thought I'd get.  Or  I did get what I guess I usually do?  

Don't ever become a counselor and think that people will treat you like a regular friend.  It just won't happen.  They have alterer motives.   They're going to spill their guts, and hope you've got advice.  Even when you are in a t-shirt and raggedy shorts.  You are supposed to be on call 24-7.   I did not sign up for this --.  It seems it has altered every friendship I have but maybe, two.  However, people have always told me their whole life story, since I can remember.  I used to think it a incredible honor -- and at times it is.  Yet, there are times when I need a friend too, and most folks don't respect, nor care.  This makes me angry.  

It serves me no purpose to get angry, we live in a society that does not give a second thought to it's neighbor - probably  doesn't even know them.  And more than likely, doesn't want to.  This I find very disconcerting.  Simply, very, very, sad.  

The world has evolved so much that we think we don't need each other anymore.  I think it's mostly because of technology.  We have our phones, iPad, lap-tops, etc.  The machines have become what we depend upon.  It takes a tragedy for us to see that these things are temporal.    And it makes me wonder how God sees it.  If it, like so may other things that separate us, hurts Him?  He created us to work together.... and as our society has developed throughout time - we've managed to ease God out and machines in.  Are we better for it?  I think we like kids with new toys, fascinated, dumbfounded even - and driven further and further into ourselves.  Time is taken away from child rearing - friends don't meet face to face.  There's now "snap shot", where you take a photo of yourself that disappears in seconds, while you chat.... that has some parents highly concerned.  They talk to strangers, when there's a kid down the block that needs a friend. 

All of these things separate us and it makes me wonder, where is the Ark?  Or what ever means it is that is going to save this world.  I can help but think of it.  As we are driven farther and farther into ourselves and away from each other ... where does the God within us go?  It's certainly not producing any vines.  We no longer need Him as our Shepherd - there aren't any flocks.  Just single sheep.  An given, this is my world view.  

I just know that I'm a single person whom struggles with making any kind of new friend, for some reason.  I thought we were social animals (to coin a phrase) - but I'm not seeing it.  We're more like separate entities.  I don't understand it.  I guess I never will.  I don't see it changing much other than to just get worse.  This coming from a generally hope filled, inspired person - is not a good thing.

There is  no fellowship.  If you're not a part of a subculture, try and get in.  It's nearly impossible.  We've (well I did not, I have no children) raise a 'me' generation - and this is the result.  It's only going to get worse.  This makes me very sad.  And I don't have any answers.  I will rely on that which I know to be true, God.  It isn't what He intended, I will tell you that. 

It does however, make me ever so grateful for the people that are in my life, be them few.  I'm grateful that I am not the kind of person that is completely wrapped up in my own problems.  The most heart wrenching  factors in all of this is that we've stopped helping each other.  We've stopped being mankind.  There's a reason those two words are together!  Kindness, generosity, and altruism seems to be a thing of the past.  This is why when someone does something nice we hear it on the news, it happens so rarely.  Sure people open doors, and you'll get an occasional hello - but I'm talking deeper here.  Much deeper.  It's like you break a social norm when you're kind now a days.  I find that scary.  I would imagine, God does too.  

We are the only ones that can change this.  As hard as it might be -- learn to listen.  Learn to be comfortable with other people's pain. So what if you don't have the answers, none of us do. Know that we all are hurting- all of us in some way despite how we look on the outside, what we drive, where we live, and how many gadgets we have.  I'd say the more stuff, the greater the hurt.  You might just be surprised how badly some folks are hurting.  And you might just find out that you aren't alone in your suffering.  This is what God intended, why He gave us each other -  for us to help each other.  There's a little bit (or a BIG bit) of God in all of us.  He is there for a reason and if we yielded to His spirit of kindness, the world would be a better place.  

You are not alone, it just feels that way.  Reach to those you know you can find comfort, and treasure them with all of your heart.  Never let them go.  Tell them what they mean to you - and often.  People need, basic needs of 1) shelter.  2) food.  3) love and belonging.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not whole because you have these needs.  I have a God that loves me more than I can ever fathom - it is that it is based in faith and I waiver at times.  I'm human.  I need other people, He designed us this way.  I'll get through this just like I've gotten through all the other difficult times in my life.  There is a reason I'm going through it.  I don't have to like it, but it would sure be nice to have someone to share it with - besides a machine.  But hey, I'm grateful for that too.  Maybe someone, will be enlightened, feel less alone, or inspired.   I can only hope.  

Saturday, September 7, 2013


I've been ill again.  I've had two UTI's and passed three or four kidney stones.  I thought for a moment that I was going to have to go to the hospital.  Most would have - but I have an extremely high pain tolerance.  It's either that or I'm just plain nuts.  I don't know which.  

I haven't figured out why I continue to become ill - I actually think I have a suppressed immune system.  I think, albeit the doctors cannot find, an autoimmune disease.  I suppose this is a good thing.  However, not knowing what is wrong, I continue to suffer from it.  It weakens (being sick all the time) the spirit, and wears on the mind.... tremendously.  It makes it very hard to stay on top of my studies.  I was able to finish a paper that is due, and I am grateful for that.  

After living life as a disabled person, where all that you have is time -- basically to do whatever you like; I'm finding study a hard application.  Most would say, "you've been ill Gina,"which is true, but life goes on...  Assignments are still due.  Reading must still be done.  I've found it difficult even when I've not felt ill.  This is more a matter of procrastination.  I've picked up some very bad habits in this life of leisure.  

I was reading my morning meditation books today, and having my time with God.  One of the things that I've greatly struggled with is in seeing God/Jesus as my Father.  I've since began to overcome this.  I have a note to self in the bathroom that says "Daughter."  It changes everything!  If one studies the bible, and understands the lineage of Christ - and what it means when we accept Him - we become a part of His family.  Our DNA is is changed.  What the bible says we are, we are - and what is says we have, we have.  If one believes.  I personally do.  This means that I am to conduct myself as such in the world.  This includes discipline.  It isn't just about faith anymore - although without faith it is impossible to please Him -- but it is now about character.  I've always aspired to have or be a person of integrity.  This was instilled in me as a child.  The one time I was punished, was for breaking a promise.  Obviously, it made its mark.  I hurt my Father, and I will never forget it.  I actually ended up having even worse consequences than the discipline - which is what I think my father knew would transpire.  He tried to protect me from this.  I was contumacious - willingly disobedient.  

I have been willingly disobedient quite a lot of my life.  It has brought great consequences.  I cannot say that my addiction problems were a matter of disobedience - for I know unequivocally that I had no choice while I was in the midst of that.  However, there were times, when I knew that I was doing the wrong thing.  It's an odd malady, to throw caution to the wind.  It's like a tornado.  Usually - all hell breaks loose.  I'm so grateful that I do not live that life today.  Yet, it has hindered my growth, and stunted my progress.  It brings on the "shoulds."

I still do not have the kind nor strength of faith that I'd like to have.  I'd like to have the kind that moves mountains.  That takes great discipline.  I am learning, growing, and discovering through God's wisdom - not my own.  For in all actuality my wisdom means little.  I want to be a woman with a heart of God - and with His understanding -- and I know that this is a tall order.  It will take me a lifetime.  Willingness is the key.  Willingness an discipline.  Self control and discernment.  It is actually not an easy endeavor.  Is there anything in life that is worth attaining, that means so much to us, that is?  No.  I believe all matters begin with our being honest with ourselves.  I think this a great truth.  

I have been considerably undisciplined.  This has to change.  Those of you that read my blog know that I view change as a gift.  Not everyone on this universe has the freedom to choose to change.  We do.  I consider it a privilege.  One of our many freedoms in this life.  I will overcome it, with faith, trust, and different behavior.  My Dad (God) would want me to....

Friday, August 30, 2013

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying.  Exhaustion to where I cannot sleep.  I've searched everything reasonable, and I keep getting: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - things of that sort.  Things that can't really be "treated".  Good Lord, do I have to just live like this???

I have another Dr. appointment today, and class.  I'm beginning to fear both.  Oh, class will go well enough, I've reviewed the chapter - but when testing time comes, it's going to be scary.  I'm used to being (back in THE day) an A student.  Am I going to have to let this go?  Are those days gone because my health is just not what it once was, and I cannot get these physicians to hear me?  What does one do when the medical community seems to think that it's patients can "just deal?"  My second trip to Urgent Care was a blow.  The doctor basically told me that my meds needed adjusting.  Oh how nice of him.  And of course he had no suggestions.  He just did not want to deal with me.  No one ever does want to deal with me because I take narcotics.  You know what folks?  I have NO choice in the matter.  I could stay in bed and writhe in pain all day if that would make the medical community FEEL better about it.  I'm sick to death of the attitudes of doctors about narcotics.  If there were supplements that worked, I'd take them.  If there was anything else besides what I HAVE to take, I'd take it.  My stimulator doesn't even help anymore, it makes other parts of my body hurt.  (I have a Medtronic spinal cord stimulator for those of you that don't know, that causes vibrations in my body to disrupt the pain signal in my back) The problem with the stim is that it now vibrates my arm, all the way down my legs, my stomach -- places that I don't need it.  It makes me nauseated, and makes my legs hurt.

I apologize that this blog is not the most positive, but remember - I do get up and go.  I DO participate in life. I do wear a smile on my face.  I am a positive,active person.  However, there is so much behind my face.  So much to me that people would never, ever guess.  They'd never guess that walking is a chore, sitting hurts.  They'd never look at me and realize that 9 times out of 10, I have a headache, nor that my pain level is always at a 6 or greater, even with my meds.  We meet people at face value -- and that is just not the way it is.  It's the same thing as trying to know what a book is about by it's cover.  Oh, it may be fancy enough, and look suspenseful -- but you just never know until you've read it's pages.

I had an invitation to a writers circle from school just this last week.  Of course I accepted - and I read one of my blogs.  There wasn't time for feedback, and I don't ever get feedback on here, but there was a gentleman that came up to me after the session.  He asked me how to get to my blog, and we had a short conversation.  He gave me accolades for putting forth the effort that I do despite my circumstances.  He did not know, but he made my day.  It's very simple, and most people will not extend themselves to it - but if we could just tell each other that we appreciate each other more often -- life would be so much more worth living.  A simple pat on the back... it is so easy to do.  Our culture has gotten so far away from appreciating each other, that it is a shame.  We stick our heads in our devices... and you know the rest.  We rarely talk to each other (unless we know each other, or are friends) face to face.  We've formed little subcultures from these devices.  I don't like it.  I miss human contact.  I'm a people person.  I think at times it's 99% of what is wrong with America.

At any rate, I'm thankful, ever so thankful I have God.  Always thankful.  I'm struggling with fear in a lot of areas.  I'm afraid I'll fail, afraid my health is such that I cannot even do this.  That I was crazy to have even tried.  Then I ask myself where does this negativity come from?  Being afraid I won't do it perfectly?  That's probably it.  I have great difficulty with "being average" - and I don't like that, it seems so egotistical.  I'm not an egotistical person, at all - or at least I don't think!  I try and remain humble, kind, and always respectful.  I try to live with grace and honor.  Respect the things that make us good people.  As I'm finding out -- those things are subject to our culture...

I pray that God will see me through, and that my faith will hold me up.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  I want to please God.  It really is my highest aim in life.  All other things fall into place when I live a Godly life.  Jesus, to me was the ultimate human.  I adore Him.  I'm not religious - I have a relationship with Him.  There is a huge difference.  I'm going through some things, and I'm struggling - change always makes us bristle.  I usually balk at the stuff that I'm afraid of.  It's the perfectionist that my mother instilled into me.  I don't really like it.  I suppose none of us do.  Change is often hard - even positive change.

I went to the my doctor - and as it turns out it's my fibromyalgia.  It makes sense because I've been hurting all over and the fatigue - mental fog, well it goes right along with it.  She did an exam and it seems I'm having an episode.   It's the stress of school, my fears and what I was under having been so sick.  I kept pushing myself.  I did not rest.  I really couldn't school had just started.  Now I have too.  My body is forcing me too.  I guess the body really does know what it needs.  I've been so tired I've actually cried.  My poor body was screaming at me to slow down.  Life just doesn't always allow for it.

It's the holiday weekend, thank goodness.  I'll get a chance to just vegetate.  I can get caught up on my studies slowly and sleep all I want.  I should have went to my doctor in the first place.

The fear?  Well, I'm going to have to deal with that.  Exams have always been hard on me.  It all boils down to expectations.  Perhaps mine are a bit too high.  Maybe I won't be an A student any longer.  An perhaps I'll have to live with that.  I'll talk to God about it.  See what He has to say....

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Hope ~ Faith

I've been struggling with some matters of the heart as of late.  Mostly because I love someone that I can't be with.  We've all been there.  I've wrestled with until I'm tired of it -- and I'm giving it to God.  This is where things belong - things that I cannot handle, nor change.  Matter of fact, everything in my life - belongs to God.  

I spent an entire day reading, crying, searching, and digging in my bible in search of answers.  I did find them.  God is always available - and I adore this.  I found scripture that I'd read before, but it had never been quite so illuminating as it was that day.  I've also been reading a book that God placed in my hands, "Healed Without Scars" by David G. Evans.  It spoke to me at Goodwill.  With my having had so many surgeries - and the emotional scars of my life... well the darn book jumped into my hands.  It has been exactly what I needed.  It is a book about spiritual healing through Jesus through our faith, and belief of His ability - and our accepting that healing.  WOW.  If you've read my blog, you know that with my physical pain, the trauma that I've been through - this is like a testament to the Lord in intervention.  There is even several chapters (which have blown my mind) about making the transition from out earthly fathers to our heavenly Father.  This is pure divine intervention.  It is exactly what I've been going through.  Tell me that my Father isn't telling His daughter, He knows her heart.  I'm humbled by His Grace, His love and His compassion for my iniquities.  

I could easily stop there, however there is a chapter dedicated to faith.  I like any human struggle with it at times.  I'm learning to lean not unto my own understanding -- for my wisdom in most situations, spares me little solace.  It is the mind of God I want to know.  The only place I'll find that is in prayer and in His word.  

I discovered about faith however, is that we are to have it more when we don't have it.  To believe when we don't believe.  To be expectant of great things in our lives when all seems bleak.  As crazy as that will sound to an unbeliever.  Life, the management of it - isn't about mulling through it were a mere job to complete to get to the end of the shift.  I do that sometimes, we all do.  I rarely do it now, because God has shown me how to rise above that mediocrity.  I expect the unexpected.  I dream for the impossible, and await my next miracle.  The bible is FULL of miracles, I know that they occur -- why would I not think them possible in my own life?  I know that in an instant, God can supernaturally (because He is God!!!) alter the conditions of my life at any given moment.  I've left the days of fear -- anxiety, bewilderment, and malaise.   I can have the kind of hope that moves mountains in my life.  There are things happening now that I never thought would happen -- and my heart desires more, and my Lord knows this.... Ask and it will be given to you...  

I've had my temptations as of late as well.  They are always there.  I'm having to work on myself on a daily basis.  I've found quenching in this scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13 
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but will also make the way of escape, that you may also be able to bear it."

I think that is awesome.  He's made a way for our escape!  He's made us able.  This gives me such hope.  

I want to live an "anticipant" life.  I want to see life in terms of what's the next great thing that's going to happen.  It just makes one be able to breathe in peace.  My Lord came that I might never see death - and that we would have life -- and have life more abundantly -- to save us from strife and turmoil.  In knowing this, if I see bad days, I'm choosing to do so.  He brought me the ability, strength and opportunity to have peace.  He gave me a comforter.  That is the most amazing thing, most heartfelt thing to me, on earth.  My own personal Holy Spirit.  How precious.  

All of us that believe that Christ lived, died and was resurrected, have a comforter.  I feel mine growing stronger everyday.  I honor the hope it brings.  I honor the growth that is happening in me.  From homelessness, to having a High Priest that sits at the right hand of God.  What a transition.  What God has brought me through.  

Encourage someone today.  Hug someone - be the light they can't see.  Dispense hope in a sometimes hopeless world.  Remind people that miracles still happen.  Lighten someone's burden.  Be the blessing that perhaps someone's never had.  Most of all, have hope, have faith.  Believe in the goodness of God - for ALL good things come from God.  Take it from someone who's had it manifest in their own life, God wants to give you the desires of your heart.  He loves you that much, and oh, so much more..........    

Monday, August 12, 2013

"Becoming willing"

Willingness takes an enormous amount of courage.  I pray for it sometimes.  Much depends upon what it is we're attempting to do - me?  I'm battling with my  last two addictions.  Nicotine, and spending.  I'm so tired of it.  It seems we almost have to be broken, to let somethings go.  I have yet to comprehend this.  Especially when it comes to my smoking.  Why a person does something over and over, that knowingly is harmful, is oblivious to me.  Well of course, we know it's addictive - and despite my internal dislike, I do it - over and over.

A slave some would say.  Perhaps I am.  I look at my trash can, and it's full of spent monies - that I'd really rather have gone elsewhere.  Burning up money -- that's what smoker's do.  It's actually quite insane.  It isn't even pleasurable any longer.  So the veritable question remains, why do it?  The only answer I have - which may not seem reasonable to many, is: because my brain tells me to.

Willingness:  The quality or state of being prepared to do something.  This is the definition.  Prepared??   This puts a new slant upon it.  I never thought about it that way.  I'm not prepared, I suppose this is the problem.  It requires action.  Guts.  I have that.  I've done this before, I just cannot stay quit.  I guess that is not quitting, it's just stopping for a period of time.  Truth be told.

I don't know if there is (yet there has to be) anyone else out there like me.  I'm such an addictive personality type.  I admit this, yet I've (with God's help of course) done tremendous amounts of work on myself.  I no longer struggle with (praise God) chemical addiction, nor alcohol - but it has managed to finagle it's way into other parts of my life.  I don't like this.  I don't like it, at all.

There is something I'm not trusting - or surrendering.  If it were not so, I'd be free from it all.  I've noticed in the past, removing the nicotine brings up feelings.  I know that my spending covers my feelings as well.  Goodness, how I hate emotional pain.  I guess we all do.  I've had enough of it in my life.  However, as long as we live, and live an open life - we will experience more.  We cannot experience beauty, joy, nor enlightenment without heartache and pain.  They just come in equal measure.  It is just how life works.  Without rain there'd be no flowers.  If there's no risk, there is no reward.

I have a few weeks before college starts.   I miss the energy that I had when I stopped smoking before, and I am really tired of the headaches that the smoking gives me.  Somehow, someway - I have to find it in me to let this thing go for the final time.  I need to release it's grip on me.  I have to surrender to it, somehow.  That's the  only way I'm going to win.  I can't beat it, I'm powerless over it.  Surrender is the answer.  It's always the answer when dealing with an addiction - one must turn it over to something greater than oneself.  It's a spiritual solution.  This is where the willingness to quit comes from, as well.

One would not think that a stick of tobacco could become one's friend, but that is what has happened with me.  The relationship with smoking is very intimate.  It is always with you, and you take it in your very breath.  It doesn't get much more intimate that this.

They've always been there for me, or available when I needed them.  (I realize to the average person that this must sound insane, but there has to be one person that this will resonate with).  They've never let me down.  Therein lies the madness.  This is what the addiction tells you -- like a separate voice in your head.  "They're your best friend....." alas, my worst enemy.  The juxtaposition is bizarre.  The  light at the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.  I actually hate these things.  I don't use that word, rarely.  However, cigarettes have stolen thousands of dollars from me, over the years.  Perhaps it took writing about it to get clear.  They've stolen energy, money, time and motivation.  It's given me nothing.  Stress, strife, and stench.

Perhaps this blog is totally for me, and for that I apologize.  However, this writing that I do, is therapeutic in nature for me.  My hope is that it inspires someone else.

I've just written and became willing -- albeit perhaps angry - but it is a start.
I'm trying to save for a car, and smoking is so futile.  In any size, shape of form -- it is wasted money.  I deserve to treat myself better.  My body is a temple.  I've not be treating it as such.  It's time I did.  


Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I've had the pleasure of being in someone's presence who calms my heart,a few times in my life.  I consider it an honor.  Those rare person's whom seem to hold your heartbeat in their eyes.  They just make breathing, easier.  They enlarge the heart.  Everything that you experience, a gift.  A gift, straight from Heaven.  No matter where you go nor what you do -- there is such a sublime specialness to it, just to be near them.  Most often times, they are not even aware.  

We live in a world that seems to support nondisclosure of such feelings.  It's just too raw.  It leaves the heart to wide open,  most would say -- for hurt.  Yet, the life that I live and believe in -- does not allow me to hide behind such walls.  If there's ever been great loss -- one is almost pressed, to make full disclosure.  As I live and breathe, I have made it my passion to tell the people that I love, that I love them.  Most would consider it naive - reckless even - I call it being living life.  If we never open ourselves up, or take a risk, we do not live life to it's fullest.  I want life -- and all that it has to offer me on earth.  

I'm learning in the experience of unconditional love - even romantic love, it is not about possessing another person.  It is not about having to make him or her "mine," in matters of the heart.  I believe in order to fully love someone, heart and soul - we have to be willing to let go.  We have to accept situations, circumstances for what they are, and people for who they are.  Therein lies the gift of loving.   I don't have to "own" someone to love them with all my heart.  The desire is there, but I don't arrange the conditions, God does.  The love is free for me to feel.  Not everyone can comprehend this, nor wants to.  I just believe in order to love someone, we must give them the freedom to choose.  Their choices are separate from me.  As well, their love may not be as vast.  

I honor this in myself, it has taken me a very long time to obtain this comprehension.  People come and people go -- but their spirits reside in us forever.  We leave marks upon each other, that last a lifetime.  Our relationships never fully end, unless we fail to mend.  It is in the mending of the heart - and the management of our ego needs, that allows us to free the individual.  We cannot possess another's heart, we can only reside in it.  The more freedom we give each other, the more aptly we place that person in the position to experience miracles.  Miracles are a change in how we view our world, both inner and outer.  Love sets us free.  Free to grow, change, expand, and to obtain depth of spirit.  It calls us to our Creator.  For this is from which all love flows.  It is the ultimate love.  As is loving oneself.   I love myself and I'm free to love others much more deeply.  Much more freely.  It is much like planting a seed -- nurturing it -- allowing it to grow -- and eventually watching it become what it was destined to be.  It is as love, pure in it's highest form, is.  

I will spend time with this individual soon.  I'm as anticipant as a child awaiting Christmas.  All the while, ever trying to watch expectation - but expecting beauty of the day.  This is what I anticipate.  To honor our time together - an to cherish every moment.  To feel every feeling. To breathe the breath of love, and to hide behind nothing.  To celebrate who we are, and how much we've grown.  I've been told that I'm setting myself up to get hurt - and that I should think more of myself - however, the truth is, I do think highly of myself.  I go for the gusto of life.  I live it as it is, for what it is.  Do I wish, hope, and dream?  I'd not be human, if I did not.  However again, I relinquish the fear that most people have in fully living life.  I'd much rather touch beauty, than to deny it.  

We interact with the world in such a manner that expresses our spirits, and it's wholeness.  Will there be some pain involved?  I'm certain of it.  Albeit -- this is not a dressed rehearsal.  What I live for today, the wonder I seek, the love I allow myself to feel -- just increases the experiences of my lifetime.  I choose not to deny myself love, even if it's limited to a few hours.  It's still love.  It still exists even though two persons may part.  The quilt in the fabric of my life will have brilliant colors -- I will have no regrets.  I will have had a glimpse of God's immeasurable beauty, because I made no excuses for fear.  Fear and love cannot coexist.  One tries to control the other.  The woman that I am, will always choose love.   

Friday, August 2, 2013

Heart of God

"Saving" Faith.....

I've been struggling as of late.  Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc.  I met with a new therapist today.  I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her.  Trust, is a big issue with me.  I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew.  I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good.  I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy.  Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even.  Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair.  My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.  

I mention my Father often in my blog.  I think of my Father, every single day.  I miss him.  I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him.  I guess I do this because I'm not satisfied with  my life.  There's still a huge hole in  my life.  My therapist said today, "you were dependent upon him, for everything."  This is about as accurate as it gets.  He was my hero, my cheerleader, my mentor, my best friend, my protector, all of these things -- on top of being my dad.  He fit many roles for me growing up.  My Mother was just (God bless her) just not nurturing.  I've written about her -- she was a narcissist.  

I have no family.  I have no veritable "got your back," kind of folks.  I have friends, but even the grandest of friends, have limitations.  This is just human nature.  

Somehow, someway - I have to transition myself from the dependency that  I have upon my earthen Father to my heavenly Father.  For you see, one is getting in the way --- of the other.  There is fear involved, which always separates me from God, and hinders my faith.  I had someone recently wish to tell me how to write this blog - and it wasn't that I cannot take criticism, for I can..... but this blog is for me, and my pursuit of peace.  There isn't a right or a wrong way of doing it.  If people choose to read it, fantastic - if it helps someone, fabulous!  I want it to.  I want people to be able to relate to how I'm feeling/thinking and find some sort of enlightenment.  That's who Gina is.  But I digress.  

I guess I see God/Jesus as somewhat far away.  Yet I know that the HolySpirit resides inside my heart.  However, is this an intellectual knowing? Or a heart knowing?  The problems reside in the feelings.  I do at times feel God - and thus brings to surface the power of faith.  I do have it, but just like anyone else, it wavers.  There's been times when I had the faith of a giant.  However, as of late, it's been the pea under the mattress.  I've allowed myself to let life's circumstances outweigh my faith.  I think we christians do that?  

If only when we go through experiences that are difficult - and come out a changed being.... and our faith soars - we could hit a 'save' button.  Wouldn't that be grand?  If we could ride on that feeling for the rest of our lives?  If we could make decisions and stick to them.... and always know that the universe had your back?  God is the universe to me, He designed it, why not?  He hung the moon, and sprinkled the stars.  Every little insect has a purpose... yet we struggle to find ours.  Perhaps it is simple, and we complicate it.  I don't know.  I don't know a lot of things.  I do know that the Bible contains lots of promises.  I don't believe that God is one that doesn't keep His word.  Where I get off track, is when I try and control the deal.  Surrender, powerlessness, and supplication - to His will is oft times hard.  For me, when I'm spiritually centered, it's mostly about helping others, and being the best person I can be - kind, compassionate, giving, graceful and humble.  It requires me to not be focused on ME.  My wants, desires, and dreams.  I really do surrender all of that to God.  I focus on Jesus's life, and very little upon mine.  My life just goes much smoother.  I'm filled with hope - I find direction - and I am encouraged.  I don't berate myself, I don't put my brain into supercomputer mode.  I don't try to fix the matters of the heart VIA the mind.  The mind cannot heal the heart.  I've tried for years.  I've put my mind through terrible ordeals.  Wrestling with the truths of life, and trying to avoid PAIN - the pain that we all feel, day after day.  

Jesus came to heal.  Heal the broken hearted, and mend the sick - and SO much more.  He came that we may have life, and to have it abundantly.  Not to live in the self-imposed mental prison that I do at times.  I deserve His peace, His promises, and His love.   I think (here I go again) that perhaps, it is a matter of choosing to feel these things.  It is a perspective of the heart.  I know that God loves me --- but somehow, someway - I've got to allow it to settle into my soul.  The barrier between the head and the heart is trust.  One must make a beginning.  We get that chance, every fresh morn.  

I've somehow, got to release my grip on my earth Father.  I've got to make that quantum leap to my heavenly Father.  I don't do goodbye's well.  Being that my Dad was all the family I really ever had, besides my Aunt, who is also past as well -- I am really alone in the world.  I've got to accept this.  Acceptance is all we have - when it comes to powerlessness.  However, it is in the perception, if it is surrender or defeat.  I would never choose the passive way.  Surrender is a beautiful thing -- if one chooses to see it as such.  It really is about winning.  Winning with an open, willing heart.  We allow wonder, wisdom, and wealth to enter our domain.  Our physical and our ethereal domain.  It grants us grace.  Grace is a gift - the most luxurious gift.  Beauty beyond explanation.  Life here on earth isn't enough.  I don't think it ever will be.  I yearn to see God.  I long to see Jesus.  Call me crazy -- but it is how I feel.  He is my family.  My soul provider.  What I have to do it to start acting like it again, and stop trying to fill up this self imposed void with stuff.  I have to stop thinking, period - and know.  As my pastor says, "Learn to sit down, on the inside."  Sit down with my grief, sit down with the unfairness of life, sit down with life, period.  I don't have to fix it.    

God's got me.  

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Loneliness/Don't you need?

I know at this writing that there are others who understand how I feel at times.  That state of feeling completely, utterly alone in a world full of people.  The emptiness, the depression, the sadness of being that sinks to my soul.  The wondering, the searching -- the pain in the endless question, "will I be like this the rest of my life?"

I was lying in the tanning bed last night, it had been storming earlier, raining for the past few days two ... crying.  I know what I feel it a normal result of a lack of human contact - and a missing basic need.  Chances are, it's more than one.  Love and belonging.  It's a basic need.  Food, shelter,  I have those things, (praise God) however I lack people in my life.  I have no sisters, I'm not close (that's putting it nicely) with my brothers, and all other family is far away - and we don't interact much.  I have one or two very close friends, but they have full families, and busy schedules.  They don't know the life I lead.  Nor could they really ever relate, or imagine.

It's an emptiness despite my connection to God at times.  A longing for companionship even if it is just for conversation, and a cup of coffee.  It is so strong sometimes, it feels as if my soul splits in two.  I struggle with knowing if it is old pain surfacing, or the pain of being alone and the fear of it's continuing until death.  There are no promises anywhere that tell me I will partner, so the fear is real.

It's difficult.  It's devastating really.  Not only do I feel alone in reality - I feel alone in knowing my plight.  My friends don't understand my situation, and I wonder sometimes when two or more days go by and I don't hear from them, do they care?

Our experiences on this earth are our own.  I don't know if it's so much true that "we make our beds, now we have to lie in it," - this just seems rather harsh to me.  I didn't choose to have distant family - nor brothers that basically hate me.  I am not choosing to be alone.  Yet, I am.  I do believe that where ever we are in life, there's reason....  It's just that I've yet to discover what that is.  Why I feel like I'm dying inside sometimes, and the depression so vast - that I think the "other world," might be a better place.  Perhaps it would be more welcoming than this world.  This world is not welcoming.  At least, I've not found it to be - and I know as a christian, I'm not supposed to.

It isn't that I don't look inside for God at these times, but I hunger for human companionship.  Anyone would.  The hours I spend alone - seem endless.  I know that God is always there, I know this through my faith.  There just are those times, when I'm totally and fully human - despite who I am supposed to be in Christ.  I don't know what it is that I'm not doing ( and it isn't about that -- God doesn't need for me to do anything for my Salvation - Jesus did it all) or if I get into my head to much.  I just know that there is a need that I have, that's not being fulfilled.  One can't fix a loneliness need, alone.  I just don't see how.

I do make choices, I get busy, and I usually end up doing something -- but that feeling is still in my gut.  It's not the easiest in the world to explain either.  It propels me to do things to fill up that void.  People just don't understand the state of aloneness.  I know my friends don't.  How could they with children, husbands, and busy lives?  They don't have chronic pain, which disables me more some days than not - always grinding at my mind.  They don't have empty nests.  They aren't missing, well what 'seems' anything.  I realize that's how things look from the outside.  This is never a fair assumption.  However, depression - rides me like a merry-go-round.  It reminds me of what I don't have.  It reminds me of where my Dad is.  It tells me that this is a better place.  At least there would be people that love me there.  Not this round ball we live on, where people (most) could care less.

Forgive my negativity.  For depression has my breath.  People's singleness of  mind upsets my spirit.  I just think (and believe) that we are put on this earth to encourage each other.  Most are too busy.  Most can't be bothered.  I don't understand this.  I suppose it is just who I am.  I am the person who thinks about others.  This is why I blog my thoughts, just in case someone else might feel the things that I struggle with, and feel understood - or less alone.   It helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind, granted - but my hope is that there is some universality in it.

So if you are alone, and depressed - know that what you feel is normal.  We're missing a need.  Don't allow other to tell you what you feel isn't valid.  Don't ever allow anyone to tell you, "you just need to get busy," - because that won't fix it.  Alone and busy - is still alone.  I shop -- and it isn't good.  I'm still trying to fill that hole in my gut.  The place where feeling like you belong lives.  The one my depression loves to eat me alive with.  It reminds me of all of my flaws, misgivings, and just how alone I really am.

I don't know what the solution is.  For once I don't actually know.  I've never claimed to know everything.  I know that when I draw nearer to God, I feel better - but I believe there's reason for these feelings.  I do believe that at some point, I won't always feel this way.  I've talked to  my pastor about this, and he tells me, it's quite human, what I feel.

Perhaps it's been the rain, or that I've been in more pain.  These days will pass, they usually do.  It's a full moon as well.  That moon will get me, every time.  The days will blend - I'll start school and meet some new people, maybe someone lonesome like me.  I know my Father (in Heaven) knows my need. I know when the time is right - His timing, this need will be met.  I just have to keep my faith, feel the feelings as they come, and keep going.  God is the supplier of our needs.  I know this.  I'm just human.  I have days where I feel like Eve without Adam.  I feel like there was no Adam created.  It's my doubting mind.  It's my depression.  I don't like that I feel this way - but I do.  There are people out there that care, they just have their limitations, and can't fix what is causing pain inside of me.  I have to do that.  Well, me and God.  My day will come - and what a glorious one it will be.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Closer to Divine

I adore this song.  I adore these women.  I saw them in Minneapolis in the 90's.  Listening to them brings back precious memories of times that were so fresh and free.  

As this song says, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  How true that is.  

I've been at such unrest lately.  Struggling to figure out the why's and where fore's.  I know that everything we go through in life has reason -- and lesson.  However, I also know that sometimes it just takes time and quiet for the answers to come.  It seems the harder I dig, the more disquiet I become.  I grow farther from God.  I cannot hear His voice, and it is His voice that I want to hear.  

I don't know what it is about the human mind, that relies upon itself.  Where we get that we have to do this life thing on our own.  It actually takes work, a steady practice to keep God in my life.  I don't admit that easily.  I guess that comes from an analytical mind.  A 'figure it out, fix it, and move on' type of being.  Independence, one might say -- but I don't want to rely on my own understanding -- for  my way of doing things usually gets me into trouble.  It has not been but for God that my life has dramatically turned around.  I pay complete homage to that. My Creator has intervened drastically and I am completely, utterly, grateful.  

People come, and people go - they leave marks upon our lives.  I don't loose people easily.  I'm just not made that way.  I am a very loyal person.  My friendships are forged usually for life.  It disquiets my soul to loose someone - even if they are toxic.  I give a person every benefit of doubt - until it harms me in some manner.  I must admit, it is still hard for me to let it go.  I guess I am just one of those few who believes we are to lay down our lives for our friends, and that people are basically good - despite their demons.  I see people's potential.  It's just inbred in me.  It causes me to second guess myself many times.  This is where I go astray from my intuition.  Besides that -- there is the fact that we are to treat others AS we would like to be treated -- not how they treat us.  My ego gets in the way of that one.  

Taking care of yourself is not easy.  Especially your emotionality.  The drive for self protection is there, but the mind can sometimes be weak, as well as the heart.  We can have feelings for the persons involved.  I vacillate between my head and heart for answers for what to do gracefully.  For being a creature of integrity, grace, and humility are things that I aspire greatly.  It makes choices in behavior difficult at times, depending upon how one is treated.  When I do choose to sever the relationship - it leaves a residue on my life.  

Coming home to God - we always have the ability to come back to the arms of our Savior.  Whether we've distanced ourselves via mind, body, or spirit, -- we've been the one that's distanced.  He was there all the time.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from God's love --  much unlike what I'd been told in my youth.  How precious this information is to me. How safe it makes me feel, and how freeing.  

It took me a long time to understand that God already knows me.  He already knows what I'm going to do.  He is standing at the end of my life, and is waiting for me.  So the "cringing",  the 'oh my gosh,' that I do over my silly behavior, isn't necessary.  God already knew I was going to do it.  His embrace is so complete, so beyond my comprehension - that it allows me to not be so difficult with myself.  He made me the way that I am.... every hair, every mole, every freckle.  Nothing that I do surprises Him.  He is male and female - for he created both -- set the stars in the sky -- and brought forth life.  He loves like we cannot even Fathom.  While we were yet sinners, He loved us.  I'm not talking religion - but relationship with Him.  I don't do religion.  That's man's rules.  He loves us so much that He gave His only Son to us that we might have life- and have it more abundantly.  Abundance, peace, and love.  Not discord, disharmony - and disquiet.  That I bring on myself.  His love brings perfect peace.  Peace that is beyond comprehension.  Beyond circumstances.  I forget this sometimes -- until I begin to reach out to another.  It is through my kindness that I find God.  

Yesterday's blog was not kind.  My mind has been ablaze.  I've been searching for answers to questions that I cannot answer.  God touched my shoulder this morning.  He reminded me where true peace lies.  The searching has stopped.  I don't know where the obstacles come from, but it doesn't matter. I know what I need to do now.  Staying centered is a choice.  One that  must be made everyday.  Listening, discerning - and being in commune with God.  Much of what happened to me would not have happened if I had been centered.  Sometimes we just have to keep relearning lessons.  The teacher will keep returning until we do.   

Monday, July 22, 2013

Ramblings of an unquiet mind........

I've been trying to settle my mind enough to write for the last three days.  I have so much in my head.  I've not written in so long - several things have transpired - job loss, relationships, emotional turmoil, beginnings, and endings.  I've ran into toxic people.  You know the kind.  The ones that either make you want to cut you're own throat, or theirs.  I've done some things 'unbecoming' of myself.   Nothing drastic, but things that I wrestle with in my spirit today, and yesterday.

I struggle with relationships that are difficult.  I am a creature of peace.  I do NOT like discord.  I avoid it at all cost.  It is not because I cannot take proper care of myself, but because I do have a dark side, just like everyone else.  Buttons get pushed, things get said that cannot be taken back - and there's inappropriate behavior at times.  I'm one of those persons too - that things don't always 'hit' me right away -- it might take me a minute or two to process it.  I'll catch it, but it might not be immediate.  This is a result of massive work- inner work that I've done to stop being so reactionary.  I used to be so emotionally reactive.  I owe that to God - and much prayer.  The only negative in this is that people get away with saying things to me that I needed to respond to right away - and I've conditioned myself so, I don't catch it emotionally that quickly.  I think I owe it to the peace that I live in.  My body will begin to respond afterwards.... in a big way.  Many times, by then it is too late.  The damage has already been done.  The wound already scabbed.  The mind ablaze.  This is the kind of toxicity  I've dealt with as of late.

When a person comes into your life, professing positivity, projections of motivation, promising affirmation -- and placing demands upon you --- run for the hills.  Especially if this person talks excessively.  I was wined, dined, and manipulated.  I was told who I was, and what I needed to do.  I was told all that I was capable of.  From a stand point of what looked positive - the boosting, the affirmations "you're amazing!!!" --- which was being said to everyone -  so it was a lie.  I say this because this person knew nothing about me.  Nothing, nada.  It was all about what I projected.  To top it all off, I kept being told what I was capable of.  My head was in a whirlwind.  A whirlwind until, I tried to tell him how I felt -- and I got, "where did that come from," and "this exhausts me!"  Interesting.  What a narcissist!!!  I'd ran into my Mother again, damn it!  A much bigger and more gregarious one at that.  When I did try and share my life, I got "get over it"......  Nothing, nothing, enrages me more that those three words.

 I am and live to be a compassionate creature, and I will not have persons with that mentality in my life.  We are all the collection of experiences of our lives.  There is no such category as "get over it."  It is the fabric of the quilt of my life, my story.  How dare a person say something so unfeeling, cold, and selfish as this.  This is a mentor?  This is a  unfeeling robot.  An ignorant (meaning lack of knowledge) one at that.

So - I've been perplexed, angry, and the deal is everyone things this guy is the bomb.  He puts on a grandiose  show.  Most unfeeling, uncaring, emotionless  robots do.  People will think what they want, and that is expected.  The part that enrages me is what is being said about this behind my back.  I don't know.... it was mentioned one day that I was acting a "little crazy."  That my 'filter' was dirty -- I'm far from crazy - or emotionally taunted.  I'm very cohesive.  Sharper than most.  I have baggage, but I manage it well, or I'd have not managed this situation as well as I did - because I'm not sharing it all.

What I wish to accomplish in this writing is for people to know your worth.  Listen to your gut.  Listen to the what your second nature is telling you - what ever you may call it.  Your body knows when you'd been wronged.  It doesn't matter how fast a person talks, nor how they try and tell you how messed up you are - don't listen to them.  If a person tells you to get over it, tell them to "go to hell."   No one has a right to tell you how long your emotional process takes.  Grief is without a timeline.  Emotional trauma is without a timeline.  Abuse is abuse.  Statements like that are abusive, as far as I'm concerned.  A statement like that doesn't come out of someone's mouth that gives a rip about you, nor your life.  Take heed.  They haven't touched their own pain, lest they wouldn't be afraid of yours.

I'll be much more careful in the male arena next time.  I'm a bit naive and trusting, but I learned something this time - wolves come in sheep's clothing.  An sometimes they profess positivity and light - but they're toxic.  Many things can affront a predator - in this day and age, one cannot be too careful.  People aren't always what they appear to be......

Monday, April 22, 2013

God Girl - enthralled with Love.

I haven't written in awhile, although I think about it quite a bit.  I just feel like I have to have something specific to say when I do write.  Well, today, I'm just merely in love with Christ.  Not merely - that doesn't sound right - I'M IN LOVE WITH CHRIST!  There, that's better.

One may scoff, decide not to read - but I write to those who will.  I write to all, for there might be one, just one that's curious enough to see, why?  I've got lots, oodles and oodles of whys.

Christ has changed my life, one hundred and eighty degrees.  If you've read previous blogs, you know where I came from - a life filled with stress, resentment, anger, distrust, and addiction.  I even at times despised my own mother.   However, God (Jesus and God are to me, one in the same, interchangeable) - has melted my heart.

I've always known that God was the answer, I was raised in church.  I've read my bible while so high I burned the pages, and the cover of my older bible -- because I passed out while trying to read.  I used to be very ashamed of this - but now I know that God has forgiven me for all my past mistakes.  Several of the pages are burned in my attempt to draw closer to God - and I was even in church at the time, while throwing back anywhere from 4-7 lorcetts at a time. I was just in the throws of my addiction.  I was so condemned that most Sundays, I went to the alter and asked for forgiveness, IF I hadn't passed out in church.  I hate to think how I must have looked to my Lord.  I hate to think of the shame I caused my Mom.  She was the adult sunday school teacher - and here was her daughter - high as a kite.  The problem with being high, you don't think other people notice it, that's how denial works in the brain...  It's a safety mechanism.

At any rate, if you want to know if I've been there... I've been there.  The whole town must have been laughing at me - or feeling sorry for me one.  My disease did not care.  I don't think God cared either - you see because much to many's belief -- God does not judge like we think, and He was not mad at me. He looked upon me with the compassion and mercy that He always does those who seek Him.  I was seeking.  Invariably I knew that I had a problem, I just didn't either want to stop, didn't know what to do about the physical pain - or the emotional pain - so the addiction won.  I had not grown to understand that God is the ultimate healer of it all.  It took me several years, hitting bottom a few times, to understand this fully.

We try as humans ( I guess we are just hardwired like this) to do things on our own.  It is the part of us that feels like we can do it alone.  I wrote to a friend just yesterday and told him that he wasn't the "universal solider" and that he needed help with his life.  He is at bottom and cannot seem to find  a way out.  Why we won't ask for help is beyond me.  Other than we seem to think that we have to have "all out ducks in a row" to call upon God.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Despair, loneliness, depression and the like are all times when we need Jesus the most.  I guess because we can't see Him, He isn't a valuable option?  Faith.  We have it in other things, but not God.  Wonder why?  He is always our last resort.  In actuality He, should be our first - in all things.  I  suppose it is a matter of what one believes.  I know one thing, we give our minds inordinate tasks to do -- things that the mind was not designed for.  We ask the mind to handle our emotions, drive our cars, calculate our finances, move our bodies, replenish our cells every 24 hours - most of those things the mind can do - however the mind cannot handle your grief.  It's not hardwired to do that, this is why we have emotions.   Trust me, God knew what He was doing when  He gave us feelings.  So our stress elevates.  The expectation just too huge.  It's on overload - so you get mad at the kids, bark at your spouse, and miffed at your boss.  The list goes on and on -- until you have road rage, and the like.  This is what has happened in our society.  We've all given our minds the job of our souls.  Most of us, are wounded at best.

To love the Lord.  To believe in something greater than ourselves - not the sun, the moon, the stars - for God put them into existence.  Unless you believe we came from monkeys...........then this blog isn't going to sit well with you.

Mark 12:29-31 Jesus answered him (for a scribe had asked Him which of the commandments is first of all?), The first of all the commandments is: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.'  This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no greater commandment than these.  

Love.  Isn't that amazing?  Jesus is all about love.  Something we all know and are actually hardwired to do - we love our families, our spouses, our pets --- our stuff!  Our homes, our cars -- the list can be endless -- but what about God?  Where are you with Him?

I challenge you today to look at these glorious trees.  Listen to these lovely song birds of spring - singing for a mate.  The awakening of our planet.  If these things are not evidence of a power greater than we are, then what is?

Love abounds.  If one will allow it.  Love of life, breath, spirit.  Be kind, be compassionate.  Find that small still voice inside of you that questions if a man came, lived a perfect life - yet died for all of us on a cross - so that we may have life, and have it more abundantly --- and most of all, never see death.  See if there isn't an inkling of belief --- and fan the flame.