Closer to Divine

I adore this song.  I adore these women.  I saw them in Minneapolis in the 90's.  Listening to them brings back precious memories of times that were so fresh and free.  

As this song says, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  How true that is.  

I've been at such unrest lately.  Struggling to figure out the why's and where fore's.  I know that everything we go through in life has reason -- and lesson.  However, I also know that sometimes it just takes time and quiet for the answers to come.  It seems the harder I dig, the more disquiet I become.  I grow farther from God.  I cannot hear His voice, and it is His voice that I want to hear.  

I don't know what it is about the human mind, that relies upon itself.  Where we get that we have to do this life thing on our own.  It actually takes work, a steady practice to keep God in my life.  I don't admit that easily.  I guess that comes from an analytical mind.  A 'figure it out, fix it, and move on' type of being.  Independence, one might say -- but I don't want to rely on my own understanding -- for  my way of doing things usually gets me into trouble.  It has not been but for God that my life has dramatically turned around.  I pay complete homage to that. My Creator has intervened drastically and I am completely, utterly, grateful.  

People come, and people go - they leave marks upon our lives.  I don't loose people easily.  I'm just not made that way.  I am a very loyal person.  My friendships are forged usually for life.  It disquiets my soul to loose someone - even if they are toxic.  I give a person every benefit of doubt - until it harms me in some manner.  I must admit, it is still hard for me to let it go.  I guess I am just one of those few who believes we are to lay down our lives for our friends, and that people are basically good - despite their demons.  I see people's potential.  It's just inbred in me.  It causes me to second guess myself many times.  This is where I go astray from my intuition.  Besides that -- there is the fact that we are to treat others AS we would like to be treated -- not how they treat us.  My ego gets in the way of that one.  

Taking care of yourself is not easy.  Especially your emotionality.  The drive for self protection is there, but the mind can sometimes be weak, as well as the heart.  We can have feelings for the persons involved.  I vacillate between my head and heart for answers for what to do gracefully.  For being a creature of integrity, grace, and humility are things that I aspire greatly.  It makes choices in behavior difficult at times, depending upon how one is treated.  When I do choose to sever the relationship - it leaves a residue on my life.  

Coming home to God - we always have the ability to come back to the arms of our Savior.  Whether we've distanced ourselves via mind, body, or spirit, -- we've been the one that's distanced.  He was there all the time.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from God's love --  much unlike what I'd been told in my youth.  How precious this information is to me. How safe it makes me feel, and how freeing.  

It took me a long time to understand that God already knows me.  He already knows what I'm going to do.  He is standing at the end of my life, and is waiting for me.  So the "cringing",  the 'oh my gosh,' that I do over my silly behavior, isn't necessary.  God already knew I was going to do it.  His embrace is so complete, so beyond my comprehension - that it allows me to not be so difficult with myself.  He made me the way that I am.... every hair, every mole, every freckle.  Nothing that I do surprises Him.  He is male and female - for he created both -- set the stars in the sky -- and brought forth life.  He loves like we cannot even Fathom.  While we were yet sinners, He loved us.  I'm not talking religion - but relationship with Him.  I don't do religion.  That's man's rules.  He loves us so much that He gave His only Son to us that we might have life- and have it more abundantly.  Abundance, peace, and love.  Not discord, disharmony - and disquiet.  That I bring on myself.  His love brings perfect peace.  Peace that is beyond comprehension.  Beyond circumstances.  I forget this sometimes -- until I begin to reach out to another.  It is through my kindness that I find God.  

Yesterday's blog was not kind.  My mind has been ablaze.  I've been searching for answers to questions that I cannot answer.  God touched my shoulder this morning.  He reminded me where true peace lies.  The searching has stopped.  I don't know where the obstacles come from, but it doesn't matter. I know what I need to do now.  Staying centered is a choice.  One that  must be made everyday.  Listening, discerning - and being in commune with God.  Much of what happened to me would not have happened if I had been centered.  Sometimes we just have to keep relearning lessons.  The teacher will keep returning until we do.