Friday, January 11, 2013
Unblocking the Heart.
I'm learning how to feel the pain as I go. Instead of closing my heart in constant fear, I'm learning how to process things in the order in which they happen. It's a burning sensation, and it does not kill me. For this is what I feared - that the emotion would be my end. So I barricaded myself up - like fort Knocks, in anticipation of emotion. The only problem is, I lived in a constant state of fear. Fear is not the way I want to live. Fear of every encounter - fear - even in my own living environment.
Shallow breath. Tightened shoulders. A magnified mind. Watching my own thoughts. That crushing feeling in my chest - so tight at times, I felt as if I'd have a heart attack. Anxiety. These are the things of fear. Fear of what? Fear of whom? I did not even know. Problems of the day - to the point of feeling ill inside. Panic. Feelings of severe distress. All inside my mind. A mind that I'd somehow told to safeguard my heart - from life. How can this be? How can the mind be given such a task? It cannot. It simply cannot protect us from matters of the heart. It is a death sentence.
Some how intrinsically I knew it had to stop. I knew by listening to my own self that something had to give - I was either going to have a stroke or a heart attack. Awe, there's the meds - but isn't that just a bandaid over a gunshot wound? Somehow I had to get to the heart-matter. For this was a heart problem ... Not a matter for the mind to solve.
I'm not a creature that dislikes change, I've prayed to my God. I've prayed countless times for release of pain, and answers to various emotional problems that I have. Here as of late, however, I've had several challenges. Challenges with depression, identity issues, work, and life. I'm trying to start my life over after difficult losses, and trauma. A vat of emotional pain. I've basically lost everything that meant anything to me, including the one person that I truly depended upon in this universe. My sole connector - my Dad. This has altered my life, beyond words. The events that ensued, were devastating. It has been earth shattering. Now I am in process of rebuilding my life from the ground up. The possessions did not mean that much - but the events and the trauma altered my life drastically. Yet, it has taught me more than I can articulate - and strengthened me farther than I thought possible. I've came farther that I once thought capable - having to start with really tiny baby steps - after a long period of being frozen in pain. I've been through the gamut.
I'm now functioning, or at least attempting to put my life back together, after the collapse. The difficulty being, I keep running into fear. I am more than tired of it. It exhausts me. I'm learning that although I thought I'd done exceptional grief work - fear abounds. Fear feeds upon itself. The more fear you have, the more you WILL have. One thing tells you to be frightened of something else -- and so on.
The answer? Realize that fear is running your life, ruining your life. I'm reading an exceptional book - "The Untethered Soul," by Michael A. Singer. Warning! It is not for the faint of heart. It is a very difficult endeavor - this voyage to the bottoms of the psyche - the center of the soul... This book offers what I love, love, love, HOPE. I am a hope junkie. I dispensed it when I worked, and I guess one would say I still do now. We do not have to live life in 'fight or flight' mode. There is an answer - and it is in these pages. One can live with their heart open to life, love, beauty, and wonder. It is what I've been searching for, for a long - long time.
This book really came to me via the Divine. I have been on this quest - and have been trying to monitor my own thoughts. This book begins with paying attention to your own thoughts - and it was as if I'd been given the copy from God.
I know that I'm not the only person that's been ruled by fear. Ruled by fear of loneliness, acceptance, fear of rejection, abandonment, etc... It affects everything that we do. It affects what we wear, what we drive, how we wear our hair, what houses we buy, every last thing we do. It imprisons us. Except the walls are self made. We are the jailer and we hold the keys.
I am so enormously grateful to learn a heart language. To have been given this piece of work. I believe that my life has the potential to be lived, and not struggled through. I can have total awareness, and quiet my mind. I will have my heart energy - feel the feelings as they come, and not build a fortress around my heart to protect it. I will evolve. I will be a different person, and stop trying to be who I once was. As an elderly gentleman once told me a few months ago - "you've yet to reach your potential," I believe he was right. I claim it - I acknowledge it. I will unblock my heart.