Monday, July 22, 2013

Ramblings of an unquiet mind........

I've been trying to settle my mind enough to write for the last three days.  I have so much in my head.  I've not written in so long - several things have transpired - job loss, relationships, emotional turmoil, beginnings, and endings.  I've ran into toxic people.  You know the kind.  The ones that either make you want to cut you're own throat, or theirs.  I've done some things 'unbecoming' of myself.   Nothing drastic, but things that I wrestle with in my spirit today, and yesterday.

I struggle with relationships that are difficult.  I am a creature of peace.  I do NOT like discord.  I avoid it at all cost.  It is not because I cannot take proper care of myself, but because I do have a dark side, just like everyone else.  Buttons get pushed, things get said that cannot be taken back - and there's inappropriate behavior at times.  I'm one of those persons too - that things don't always 'hit' me right away -- it might take me a minute or two to process it.  I'll catch it, but it might not be immediate.  This is a result of massive work- inner work that I've done to stop being so reactionary.  I used to be so emotionally reactive.  I owe that to God - and much prayer.  The only negative in this is that people get away with saying things to me that I needed to respond to right away - and I've conditioned myself so, I don't catch it emotionally that quickly.  I think I owe it to the peace that I live in.  My body will begin to respond afterwards.... in a big way.  Many times, by then it is too late.  The damage has already been done.  The wound already scabbed.  The mind ablaze.  This is the kind of toxicity  I've dealt with as of late.

When a person comes into your life, professing positivity, projections of motivation, promising affirmation -- and placing demands upon you --- run for the hills.  Especially if this person talks excessively.  I was wined, dined, and manipulated.  I was told who I was, and what I needed to do.  I was told all that I was capable of.  From a stand point of what looked positive - the boosting, the affirmations "you're amazing!!!" --- which was being said to everyone -  so it was a lie.  I say this because this person knew nothing about me.  Nothing, nada.  It was all about what I projected.  To top it all off, I kept being told what I was capable of.  My head was in a whirlwind.  A whirlwind until, I tried to tell him how I felt -- and I got, "where did that come from," and "this exhausts me!"  Interesting.  What a narcissist!!!  I'd ran into my Mother again, damn it!  A much bigger and more gregarious one at that.  When I did try and share my life, I got "get over it"......  Nothing, nothing, enrages me more that those three words.

 I am and live to be a compassionate creature, and I will not have persons with that mentality in my life.  We are all the collection of experiences of our lives.  There is no such category as "get over it."  It is the fabric of the quilt of my life, my story.  How dare a person say something so unfeeling, cold, and selfish as this.  This is a mentor?  This is a  unfeeling robot.  An ignorant (meaning lack of knowledge) one at that.

So - I've been perplexed, angry, and the deal is everyone things this guy is the bomb.  He puts on a grandiose  show.  Most unfeeling, uncaring, emotionless  robots do.  People will think what they want, and that is expected.  The part that enrages me is what is being said about this behind my back.  I don't know.... it was mentioned one day that I was acting a "little crazy."  That my 'filter' was dirty -- I'm far from crazy - or emotionally taunted.  I'm very cohesive.  Sharper than most.  I have baggage, but I manage it well, or I'd have not managed this situation as well as I did - because I'm not sharing it all.

What I wish to accomplish in this writing is for people to know your worth.  Listen to your gut.  Listen to the what your second nature is telling you - what ever you may call it.  Your body knows when you'd been wronged.  It doesn't matter how fast a person talks, nor how they try and tell you how messed up you are - don't listen to them.  If a person tells you to get over it, tell them to "go to hell."   No one has a right to tell you how long your emotional process takes.  Grief is without a timeline.  Emotional trauma is without a timeline.  Abuse is abuse.  Statements like that are abusive, as far as I'm concerned.  A statement like that doesn't come out of someone's mouth that gives a rip about you, nor your life.  Take heed.  They haven't touched their own pain, lest they wouldn't be afraid of yours.

I'll be much more careful in the male arena next time.  I'm a bit naive and trusting, but I learned something this time - wolves come in sheep's clothing.  An sometimes they profess positivity and light - but they're toxic.  Many things can affront a predator - in this day and age, one cannot be too careful.  People aren't always what they appear to be......

No comments:

Post a Comment