Friday, August 30, 2013

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying.  Exhaustion to where I cannot sleep.  I've searched everything reasonable, and I keep getting: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - things of that sort.  Things that can't really be "treated".  Good Lord, do I have to just live like this???

I have another Dr. appointment today, and class.  I'm beginning to fear both.  Oh, class will go well enough, I've reviewed the chapter - but when testing time comes, it's going to be scary.  I'm used to being (back in THE day) an A student.  Am I going to have to let this go?  Are those days gone because my health is just not what it once was, and I cannot get these physicians to hear me?  What does one do when the medical community seems to think that it's patients can "just deal?"  My second trip to Urgent Care was a blow.  The doctor basically told me that my meds needed adjusting.  Oh how nice of him.  And of course he had no suggestions.  He just did not want to deal with me.  No one ever does want to deal with me because I take narcotics.  You know what folks?  I have NO choice in the matter.  I could stay in bed and writhe in pain all day if that would make the medical community FEEL better about it.  I'm sick to death of the attitudes of doctors about narcotics.  If there were supplements that worked, I'd take them.  If there was anything else besides what I HAVE to take, I'd take it.  My stimulator doesn't even help anymore, it makes other parts of my body hurt.  (I have a Medtronic spinal cord stimulator for those of you that don't know, that causes vibrations in my body to disrupt the pain signal in my back) The problem with the stim is that it now vibrates my arm, all the way down my legs, my stomach -- places that I don't need it.  It makes me nauseated, and makes my legs hurt.

I apologize that this blog is not the most positive, but remember - I do get up and go.  I DO participate in life. I do wear a smile on my face.  I am a positive,active person.  However, there is so much behind my face.  So much to me that people would never, ever guess.  They'd never guess that walking is a chore, sitting hurts.  They'd never look at me and realize that 9 times out of 10, I have a headache, nor that my pain level is always at a 6 or greater, even with my meds.  We meet people at face value -- and that is just not the way it is.  It's the same thing as trying to know what a book is about by it's cover.  Oh, it may be fancy enough, and look suspenseful -- but you just never know until you've read it's pages.

I had an invitation to a writers circle from school just this last week.  Of course I accepted - and I read one of my blogs.  There wasn't time for feedback, and I don't ever get feedback on here, but there was a gentleman that came up to me after the session.  He asked me how to get to my blog, and we had a short conversation.  He gave me accolades for putting forth the effort that I do despite my circumstances.  He did not know, but he made my day.  It's very simple, and most people will not extend themselves to it - but if we could just tell each other that we appreciate each other more often -- life would be so much more worth living.  A simple pat on the back... it is so easy to do.  Our culture has gotten so far away from appreciating each other, that it is a shame.  We stick our heads in our devices... and you know the rest.  We rarely talk to each other (unless we know each other, or are friends) face to face.  We've formed little subcultures from these devices.  I don't like it.  I miss human contact.  I'm a people person.  I think at times it's 99% of what is wrong with America.

At any rate, I'm thankful, ever so thankful I have God.  Always thankful.  I'm struggling with fear in a lot of areas.  I'm afraid I'll fail, afraid my health is such that I cannot even do this.  That I was crazy to have even tried.  Then I ask myself where does this negativity come from?  Being afraid I won't do it perfectly?  That's probably it.  I have great difficulty with "being average" - and I don't like that, it seems so egotistical.  I'm not an egotistical person, at all - or at least I don't think!  I try and remain humble, kind, and always respectful.  I try to live with grace and honor.  Respect the things that make us good people.  As I'm finding out -- those things are subject to our culture...

I pray that God will see me through, and that my faith will hold me up.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  I want to please God.  It really is my highest aim in life.  All other things fall into place when I live a Godly life.  Jesus, to me was the ultimate human.  I adore Him.  I'm not religious - I have a relationship with Him.  There is a huge difference.  I'm going through some things, and I'm struggling - change always makes us bristle.  I usually balk at the stuff that I'm afraid of.  It's the perfectionist that my mother instilled into me.  I don't really like it.  I suppose none of us do.  Change is often hard - even positive change.

I went to the my doctor - and as it turns out it's my fibromyalgia.  It makes sense because I've been hurting all over and the fatigue - mental fog, well it goes right along with it.  She did an exam and it seems I'm having an episode.   It's the stress of school, my fears and what I was under having been so sick.  I kept pushing myself.  I did not rest.  I really couldn't school had just started.  Now I have too.  My body is forcing me too.  I guess the body really does know what it needs.  I've been so tired I've actually cried.  My poor body was screaming at me to slow down.  Life just doesn't always allow for it.

It's the holiday weekend, thank goodness.  I'll get a chance to just vegetate.  I can get caught up on my studies slowly and sleep all I want.  I should have went to my doctor in the first place.

The fear?  Well, I'm going to have to deal with that.  Exams have always been hard on me.  It all boils down to expectations.  Perhaps mine are a bit too high.  Maybe I won't be an A student any longer.  An perhaps I'll have to live with that.  I'll talk to God about it.  See what He has to say....

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Hope ~ Faith

I've been struggling with some matters of the heart as of late.  Mostly because I love someone that I can't be with.  We've all been there.  I've wrestled with until I'm tired of it -- and I'm giving it to God.  This is where things belong - things that I cannot handle, nor change.  Matter of fact, everything in my life - belongs to God.  

I spent an entire day reading, crying, searching, and digging in my bible in search of answers.  I did find them.  God is always available - and I adore this.  I found scripture that I'd read before, but it had never been quite so illuminating as it was that day.  I've also been reading a book that God placed in my hands, "Healed Without Scars" by David G. Evans.  It spoke to me at Goodwill.  With my having had so many surgeries - and the emotional scars of my life... well the darn book jumped into my hands.  It has been exactly what I needed.  It is a book about spiritual healing through Jesus through our faith, and belief of His ability - and our accepting that healing.  WOW.  If you've read my blog, you know that with my physical pain, the trauma that I've been through - this is like a testament to the Lord in intervention.  There is even several chapters (which have blown my mind) about making the transition from out earthly fathers to our heavenly Father.  This is pure divine intervention.  It is exactly what I've been going through.  Tell me that my Father isn't telling His daughter, He knows her heart.  I'm humbled by His Grace, His love and His compassion for my iniquities.  

I could easily stop there, however there is a chapter dedicated to faith.  I like any human struggle with it at times.  I'm learning to lean not unto my own understanding -- for my wisdom in most situations, spares me little solace.  It is the mind of God I want to know.  The only place I'll find that is in prayer and in His word.  

I discovered about faith however, is that we are to have it more when we don't have it.  To believe when we don't believe.  To be expectant of great things in our lives when all seems bleak.  As crazy as that will sound to an unbeliever.  Life, the management of it - isn't about mulling through it were a mere job to complete to get to the end of the shift.  I do that sometimes, we all do.  I rarely do it now, because God has shown me how to rise above that mediocrity.  I expect the unexpected.  I dream for the impossible, and await my next miracle.  The bible is FULL of miracles, I know that they occur -- why would I not think them possible in my own life?  I know that in an instant, God can supernaturally (because He is God!!!) alter the conditions of my life at any given moment.  I've left the days of fear -- anxiety, bewilderment, and malaise.   I can have the kind of hope that moves mountains in my life.  There are things happening now that I never thought would happen -- and my heart desires more, and my Lord knows this.... Ask and it will be given to you...  

I've had my temptations as of late as well.  They are always there.  I'm having to work on myself on a daily basis.  I've found quenching in this scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13 
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but will also make the way of escape, that you may also be able to bear it."

I think that is awesome.  He's made a way for our escape!  He's made us able.  This gives me such hope.  

I want to live an "anticipant" life.  I want to see life in terms of what's the next great thing that's going to happen.  It just makes one be able to breathe in peace.  My Lord came that I might never see death - and that we would have life -- and have life more abundantly -- to save us from strife and turmoil.  In knowing this, if I see bad days, I'm choosing to do so.  He brought me the ability, strength and opportunity to have peace.  He gave me a comforter.  That is the most amazing thing, most heartfelt thing to me, on earth.  My own personal Holy Spirit.  How precious.  

All of us that believe that Christ lived, died and was resurrected, have a comforter.  I feel mine growing stronger everyday.  I honor the hope it brings.  I honor the growth that is happening in me.  From homelessness, to having a High Priest that sits at the right hand of God.  What a transition.  What God has brought me through.  

Encourage someone today.  Hug someone - be the light they can't see.  Dispense hope in a sometimes hopeless world.  Remind people that miracles still happen.  Lighten someone's burden.  Be the blessing that perhaps someone's never had.  Most of all, have hope, have faith.  Believe in the goodness of God - for ALL good things come from God.  Take it from someone who's had it manifest in their own life, God wants to give you the desires of your heart.  He loves you that much, and oh, so much more..........    

Monday, August 12, 2013

"Becoming willing"

Willingness takes an enormous amount of courage.  I pray for it sometimes.  Much depends upon what it is we're attempting to do - me?  I'm battling with my  last two addictions.  Nicotine, and spending.  I'm so tired of it.  It seems we almost have to be broken, to let somethings go.  I have yet to comprehend this.  Especially when it comes to my smoking.  Why a person does something over and over, that knowingly is harmful, is oblivious to me.  Well of course, we know it's addictive - and despite my internal dislike, I do it - over and over.

A slave some would say.  Perhaps I am.  I look at my trash can, and it's full of spent monies - that I'd really rather have gone elsewhere.  Burning up money -- that's what smoker's do.  It's actually quite insane.  It isn't even pleasurable any longer.  So the veritable question remains, why do it?  The only answer I have - which may not seem reasonable to many, is: because my brain tells me to.

Willingness:  The quality or state of being prepared to do something.  This is the definition.  Prepared??   This puts a new slant upon it.  I never thought about it that way.  I'm not prepared, I suppose this is the problem.  It requires action.  Guts.  I have that.  I've done this before, I just cannot stay quit.  I guess that is not quitting, it's just stopping for a period of time.  Truth be told.

I don't know if there is (yet there has to be) anyone else out there like me.  I'm such an addictive personality type.  I admit this, yet I've (with God's help of course) done tremendous amounts of work on myself.  I no longer struggle with (praise God) chemical addiction, nor alcohol - but it has managed to finagle it's way into other parts of my life.  I don't like this.  I don't like it, at all.

There is something I'm not trusting - or surrendering.  If it were not so, I'd be free from it all.  I've noticed in the past, removing the nicotine brings up feelings.  I know that my spending covers my feelings as well.  Goodness, how I hate emotional pain.  I guess we all do.  I've had enough of it in my life.  However, as long as we live, and live an open life - we will experience more.  We cannot experience beauty, joy, nor enlightenment without heartache and pain.  They just come in equal measure.  It is just how life works.  Without rain there'd be no flowers.  If there's no risk, there is no reward.

I have a few weeks before college starts.   I miss the energy that I had when I stopped smoking before, and I am really tired of the headaches that the smoking gives me.  Somehow, someway - I have to find it in me to let this thing go for the final time.  I need to release it's grip on me.  I have to surrender to it, somehow.  That's the  only way I'm going to win.  I can't beat it, I'm powerless over it.  Surrender is the answer.  It's always the answer when dealing with an addiction - one must turn it over to something greater than oneself.  It's a spiritual solution.  This is where the willingness to quit comes from, as well.

One would not think that a stick of tobacco could become one's friend, but that is what has happened with me.  The relationship with smoking is very intimate.  It is always with you, and you take it in your very breath.  It doesn't get much more intimate that this.

They've always been there for me, or available when I needed them.  (I realize to the average person that this must sound insane, but there has to be one person that this will resonate with).  They've never let me down.  Therein lies the madness.  This is what the addiction tells you -- like a separate voice in your head.  "They're your best friend....." alas, my worst enemy.  The juxtaposition is bizarre.  The  light at the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.  I actually hate these things.  I don't use that word, rarely.  However, cigarettes have stolen thousands of dollars from me, over the years.  Perhaps it took writing about it to get clear.  They've stolen energy, money, time and motivation.  It's given me nothing.  Stress, strife, and stench.

Perhaps this blog is totally for me, and for that I apologize.  However, this writing that I do, is therapeutic in nature for me.  My hope is that it inspires someone else.

I've just written and became willing -- albeit perhaps angry - but it is a start.
I'm trying to save for a car, and smoking is so futile.  In any size, shape of form -- it is wasted money.  I deserve to treat myself better.  My body is a temple.  I've not be treating it as such.  It's time I did.  


Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I've had the pleasure of being in someone's presence who calms my heart,a few times in my life.  I consider it an honor.  Those rare person's whom seem to hold your heartbeat in their eyes.  They just make breathing, easier.  They enlarge the heart.  Everything that you experience, a gift.  A gift, straight from Heaven.  No matter where you go nor what you do -- there is such a sublime specialness to it, just to be near them.  Most often times, they are not even aware.  

We live in a world that seems to support nondisclosure of such feelings.  It's just too raw.  It leaves the heart to wide open,  most would say -- for hurt.  Yet, the life that I live and believe in -- does not allow me to hide behind such walls.  If there's ever been great loss -- one is almost pressed, to make full disclosure.  As I live and breathe, I have made it my passion to tell the people that I love, that I love them.  Most would consider it naive - reckless even - I call it being living life.  If we never open ourselves up, or take a risk, we do not live life to it's fullest.  I want life -- and all that it has to offer me on earth.  

I'm learning in the experience of unconditional love - even romantic love, it is not about possessing another person.  It is not about having to make him or her "mine," in matters of the heart.  I believe in order to fully love someone, heart and soul - we have to be willing to let go.  We have to accept situations, circumstances for what they are, and people for who they are.  Therein lies the gift of loving.   I don't have to "own" someone to love them with all my heart.  The desire is there, but I don't arrange the conditions, God does.  The love is free for me to feel.  Not everyone can comprehend this, nor wants to.  I just believe in order to love someone, we must give them the freedom to choose.  Their choices are separate from me.  As well, their love may not be as vast.  

I honor this in myself, it has taken me a very long time to obtain this comprehension.  People come and people go -- but their spirits reside in us forever.  We leave marks upon each other, that last a lifetime.  Our relationships never fully end, unless we fail to mend.  It is in the mending of the heart - and the management of our ego needs, that allows us to free the individual.  We cannot possess another's heart, we can only reside in it.  The more freedom we give each other, the more aptly we place that person in the position to experience miracles.  Miracles are a change in how we view our world, both inner and outer.  Love sets us free.  Free to grow, change, expand, and to obtain depth of spirit.  It calls us to our Creator.  For this is from which all love flows.  It is the ultimate love.  As is loving oneself.   I love myself and I'm free to love others much more deeply.  Much more freely.  It is much like planting a seed -- nurturing it -- allowing it to grow -- and eventually watching it become what it was destined to be.  It is as love, pure in it's highest form, is.  

I will spend time with this individual soon.  I'm as anticipant as a child awaiting Christmas.  All the while, ever trying to watch expectation - but expecting beauty of the day.  This is what I anticipate.  To honor our time together - an to cherish every moment.  To feel every feeling. To breathe the breath of love, and to hide behind nothing.  To celebrate who we are, and how much we've grown.  I've been told that I'm setting myself up to get hurt - and that I should think more of myself - however, the truth is, I do think highly of myself.  I go for the gusto of life.  I live it as it is, for what it is.  Do I wish, hope, and dream?  I'd not be human, if I did not.  However again, I relinquish the fear that most people have in fully living life.  I'd much rather touch beauty, than to deny it.  

We interact with the world in such a manner that expresses our spirits, and it's wholeness.  Will there be some pain involved?  I'm certain of it.  Albeit -- this is not a dressed rehearsal.  What I live for today, the wonder I seek, the love I allow myself to feel -- just increases the experiences of my lifetime.  I choose not to deny myself love, even if it's limited to a few hours.  It's still love.  It still exists even though two persons may part.  The quilt in the fabric of my life will have brilliant colors -- I will have no regrets.  I will have had a glimpse of God's immeasurable beauty, because I made no excuses for fear.  Fear and love cannot coexist.  One tries to control the other.  The woman that I am, will always choose love.   

Friday, August 2, 2013

Heart of God

"Saving" Faith.....

I've been struggling as of late.  Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc.  I met with a new therapist today.  I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her.  Trust, is a big issue with me.  I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew.  I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good.  I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy.  Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even.  Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair.  My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.  

I mention my Father often in my blog.  I think of my Father, every single day.  I miss him.  I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him.  I guess I do this because I'm not satisfied with  my life.  There's still a huge hole in  my life.  My therapist said today, "you were dependent upon him, for everything."  This is about as accurate as it gets.  He was my hero, my cheerleader, my mentor, my best friend, my protector, all of these things -- on top of being my dad.  He fit many roles for me growing up.  My Mother was just (God bless her) just not nurturing.  I've written about her -- she was a narcissist.  

I have no family.  I have no veritable "got your back," kind of folks.  I have friends, but even the grandest of friends, have limitations.  This is just human nature.  

Somehow, someway - I have to transition myself from the dependency that  I have upon my earthen Father to my heavenly Father.  For you see, one is getting in the way --- of the other.  There is fear involved, which always separates me from God, and hinders my faith.  I had someone recently wish to tell me how to write this blog - and it wasn't that I cannot take criticism, for I can..... but this blog is for me, and my pursuit of peace.  There isn't a right or a wrong way of doing it.  If people choose to read it, fantastic - if it helps someone, fabulous!  I want it to.  I want people to be able to relate to how I'm feeling/thinking and find some sort of enlightenment.  That's who Gina is.  But I digress.  

I guess I see God/Jesus as somewhat far away.  Yet I know that the HolySpirit resides inside my heart.  However, is this an intellectual knowing? Or a heart knowing?  The problems reside in the feelings.  I do at times feel God - and thus brings to surface the power of faith.  I do have it, but just like anyone else, it wavers.  There's been times when I had the faith of a giant.  However, as of late, it's been the pea under the mattress.  I've allowed myself to let life's circumstances outweigh my faith.  I think we christians do that?  

If only when we go through experiences that are difficult - and come out a changed being.... and our faith soars - we could hit a 'save' button.  Wouldn't that be grand?  If we could ride on that feeling for the rest of our lives?  If we could make decisions and stick to them.... and always know that the universe had your back?  God is the universe to me, He designed it, why not?  He hung the moon, and sprinkled the stars.  Every little insect has a purpose... yet we struggle to find ours.  Perhaps it is simple, and we complicate it.  I don't know.  I don't know a lot of things.  I do know that the Bible contains lots of promises.  I don't believe that God is one that doesn't keep His word.  Where I get off track, is when I try and control the deal.  Surrender, powerlessness, and supplication - to His will is oft times hard.  For me, when I'm spiritually centered, it's mostly about helping others, and being the best person I can be - kind, compassionate, giving, graceful and humble.  It requires me to not be focused on ME.  My wants, desires, and dreams.  I really do surrender all of that to God.  I focus on Jesus's life, and very little upon mine.  My life just goes much smoother.  I'm filled with hope - I find direction - and I am encouraged.  I don't berate myself, I don't put my brain into supercomputer mode.  I don't try to fix the matters of the heart VIA the mind.  The mind cannot heal the heart.  I've tried for years.  I've put my mind through terrible ordeals.  Wrestling with the truths of life, and trying to avoid PAIN - the pain that we all feel, day after day.  

Jesus came to heal.  Heal the broken hearted, and mend the sick - and SO much more.  He came that we may have life, and to have it abundantly.  Not to live in the self-imposed mental prison that I do at times.  I deserve His peace, His promises, and His love.   I think (here I go again) that perhaps, it is a matter of choosing to feel these things.  It is a perspective of the heart.  I know that God loves me --- but somehow, someway - I've got to allow it to settle into my soul.  The barrier between the head and the heart is trust.  One must make a beginning.  We get that chance, every fresh morn.  

I've somehow, got to release my grip on my earth Father.  I've got to make that quantum leap to my heavenly Father.  I don't do goodbye's well.  Being that my Dad was all the family I really ever had, besides my Aunt, who is also past as well -- I am really alone in the world.  I've got to accept this.  Acceptance is all we have - when it comes to powerlessness.  However, it is in the perception, if it is surrender or defeat.  I would never choose the passive way.  Surrender is a beautiful thing -- if one chooses to see it as such.  It really is about winning.  Winning with an open, willing heart.  We allow wonder, wisdom, and wealth to enter our domain.  Our physical and our ethereal domain.  It grants us grace.  Grace is a gift - the most luxurious gift.  Beauty beyond explanation.  Life here on earth isn't enough.  I don't think it ever will be.  I yearn to see God.  I long to see Jesus.  Call me crazy -- but it is how I feel.  He is my family.  My soul provider.  What I have to do it to start acting like it again, and stop trying to fill up this self imposed void with stuff.  I have to stop thinking, period - and know.  As my pastor says, "Learn to sit down, on the inside."  Sit down with my grief, sit down with the unfairness of life, sit down with life, period.  I don't have to fix it.    

God's got me.