Friday, August 30, 2013

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying.  Exhaustion to where I cannot sleep.  I've searched everything reasonable, and I keep getting: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - things of that sort.  Things that can't really be "treated".  Good Lord, do I have to just live like this???

I have another Dr. appointment today, and class.  I'm beginning to fear both.  Oh, class will go well enough, I've reviewed the chapter - but when testing time comes, it's going to be scary.  I'm used to being (back in THE day) an A student.  Am I going to have to let this go?  Are those days gone because my health is just not what it once was, and I cannot get these physicians to hear me?  What does one do when the medical community seems to think that it's patients can "just deal?"  My second trip to Urgent Care was a blow.  The doctor basically told me that my meds needed adjusting.  Oh how nice of him.  And of course he had no suggestions.  He just did not want to deal with me.  No one ever does want to deal with me because I take narcotics.  You know what folks?  I have NO choice in the matter.  I could stay in bed and writhe in pain all day if that would make the medical community FEEL better about it.  I'm sick to death of the attitudes of doctors about narcotics.  If there were supplements that worked, I'd take them.  If there was anything else besides what I HAVE to take, I'd take it.  My stimulator doesn't even help anymore, it makes other parts of my body hurt.  (I have a Medtronic spinal cord stimulator for those of you that don't know, that causes vibrations in my body to disrupt the pain signal in my back) The problem with the stim is that it now vibrates my arm, all the way down my legs, my stomach -- places that I don't need it.  It makes me nauseated, and makes my legs hurt.

I apologize that this blog is not the most positive, but remember - I do get up and go.  I DO participate in life. I do wear a smile on my face.  I am a positive,active person.  However, there is so much behind my face.  So much to me that people would never, ever guess.  They'd never guess that walking is a chore, sitting hurts.  They'd never look at me and realize that 9 times out of 10, I have a headache, nor that my pain level is always at a 6 or greater, even with my meds.  We meet people at face value -- and that is just not the way it is.  It's the same thing as trying to know what a book is about by it's cover.  Oh, it may be fancy enough, and look suspenseful -- but you just never know until you've read it's pages.

I had an invitation to a writers circle from school just this last week.  Of course I accepted - and I read one of my blogs.  There wasn't time for feedback, and I don't ever get feedback on here, but there was a gentleman that came up to me after the session.  He asked me how to get to my blog, and we had a short conversation.  He gave me accolades for putting forth the effort that I do despite my circumstances.  He did not know, but he made my day.  It's very simple, and most people will not extend themselves to it - but if we could just tell each other that we appreciate each other more often -- life would be so much more worth living.  A simple pat on the back... it is so easy to do.  Our culture has gotten so far away from appreciating each other, that it is a shame.  We stick our heads in our devices... and you know the rest.  We rarely talk to each other (unless we know each other, or are friends) face to face.  We've formed little subcultures from these devices.  I don't like it.  I miss human contact.  I'm a people person.  I think at times it's 99% of what is wrong with America.

At any rate, I'm thankful, ever so thankful I have God.  Always thankful.  I'm struggling with fear in a lot of areas.  I'm afraid I'll fail, afraid my health is such that I cannot even do this.  That I was crazy to have even tried.  Then I ask myself where does this negativity come from?  Being afraid I won't do it perfectly?  That's probably it.  I have great difficulty with "being average" - and I don't like that, it seems so egotistical.  I'm not an egotistical person, at all - or at least I don't think!  I try and remain humble, kind, and always respectful.  I try to live with grace and honor.  Respect the things that make us good people.  As I'm finding out -- those things are subject to our culture...

I pray that God will see me through, and that my faith will hold me up.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  I want to please God.  It really is my highest aim in life.  All other things fall into place when I live a Godly life.  Jesus, to me was the ultimate human.  I adore Him.  I'm not religious - I have a relationship with Him.  There is a huge difference.  I'm going through some things, and I'm struggling - change always makes us bristle.  I usually balk at the stuff that I'm afraid of.  It's the perfectionist that my mother instilled into me.  I don't really like it.  I suppose none of us do.  Change is often hard - even positive change.

I went to the my doctor - and as it turns out it's my fibromyalgia.  It makes sense because I've been hurting all over and the fatigue - mental fog, well it goes right along with it.  She did an exam and it seems I'm having an episode.   It's the stress of school, my fears and what I was under having been so sick.  I kept pushing myself.  I did not rest.  I really couldn't school had just started.  Now I have too.  My body is forcing me too.  I guess the body really does know what it needs.  I've been so tired I've actually cried.  My poor body was screaming at me to slow down.  Life just doesn't always allow for it.

It's the holiday weekend, thank goodness.  I'll get a chance to just vegetate.  I can get caught up on my studies slowly and sleep all I want.  I should have went to my doctor in the first place.

The fear?  Well, I'm going to have to deal with that.  Exams have always been hard on me.  It all boils down to expectations.  Perhaps mine are a bit too high.  Maybe I won't be an A student any longer.  An perhaps I'll have to live with that.  I'll talk to God about it.  See what He has to say....

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