I've been ill again. I've had two UTI's and passed three or four kidney stones. I thought for a moment that I was going to have to go to the hospital. Most would have - but I have an extremely high pain tolerance. It's either that or I'm just plain nuts. I don't know which.
I haven't figured out why I continue to become ill - I actually think I have a suppressed immune system. I think, albeit the doctors cannot find, an autoimmune disease. I suppose this is a good thing. However, not knowing what is wrong, I continue to suffer from it. It weakens (being sick all the time) the spirit, and wears on the mind.... tremendously. It makes it very hard to stay on top of my studies. I was able to finish a paper that is due, and I am grateful for that.
After living life as a disabled person, where all that you have is time -- basically to do whatever you like; I'm finding study a hard application. Most would say, "you've been ill Gina,"which is true, but life goes on... Assignments are still due. Reading must still be done. I've found it difficult even when I've not felt ill. This is more a matter of procrastination. I've picked up some very bad habits in this life of leisure.
I was reading my morning meditation books today, and having my time with God. One of the things that I've greatly struggled with is in seeing God/Jesus as my Father. I've since began to overcome this. I have a note to self in the bathroom that says "Daughter." It changes everything! If one studies the bible, and understands the lineage of Christ - and what it means when we accept Him - we become a part of His family. Our DNA is is changed. What the bible says we are, we are - and what is says we have, we have. If one believes. I personally do. This means that I am to conduct myself as such in the world. This includes discipline. It isn't just about faith anymore - although without faith it is impossible to please Him -- but it is now about character. I've always aspired to have or be a person of integrity. This was instilled in me as a child. The one time I was punished, was for breaking a promise. Obviously, it made its mark. I hurt my Father, and I will never forget it. I actually ended up having even worse consequences than the discipline - which is what I think my father knew would transpire. He tried to protect me from this. I was contumacious - willingly disobedient.
I have been willingly disobedient quite a lot of my life. It has brought great consequences. I cannot say that my addiction problems were a matter of disobedience - for I know unequivocally that I had no choice while I was in the midst of that. However, there were times, when I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. It's an odd malady, to throw caution to the wind. It's like a tornado. Usually - all hell breaks loose. I'm so grateful that I do not live that life today. Yet, it has hindered my growth, and stunted my progress. It brings on the "shoulds."
I still do not have the kind nor strength of faith that I'd like to have. I'd like to have the kind that moves mountains. That takes great discipline. I am learning, growing, and discovering through God's wisdom - not my own. For in all actuality my wisdom means little. I want to be a woman with a heart of God - and with His understanding -- and I know that this is a tall order. It will take me a lifetime. Willingness is the key. Willingness an discipline. Self control and discernment. It is actually not an easy endeavor. Is there anything in life that is worth attaining, that means so much to us, that is? No. I believe all matters begin with our being honest with ourselves. I think this a great truth.
I have been considerably undisciplined. This has to change. Those of you that read my blog know that I view change as a gift. Not everyone on this universe has the freedom to choose to change. We do. I consider it a privilege. One of our many freedoms in this life. I will overcome it, with faith, trust, and different behavior. My Dad (God) would want me to....