Showing posts from 2014

Mercy, Grace, and Love

Love.  It's gotten me by as of late.  I've been in a lot of pain.  Physical pain.  I've had surgery - and am now passing kidney stones.  This on top of the chronic pain that I live with - has been quite the challenge.  

Pain brings you to a presupposes if that is the right word I'm looking for.  At any rate, it brings you to an edge.  One either becomes hardened towards God, or one becomes more humble and open to Him.  For me, I see this as an opportunity to receive God's goodness.  Matter of fact, I've been praying for God to show me His love in everyday life.  So far, it's been pretty amazing.  People have popped up in my life, given to me in immeasurable ways, and life has just been stunning.  

God's mercy amazes me.  I have never deserved it.  Not with the life that I have led.  I've stolen from the people that I've loved, defied God, and pushed the limitations of His love.  Yet and still, He has remained steadfast, gentle, honorable, and most…

Your Beautiful...

Sleep doesn't come easy post surgery - especially when all that you can do is rattle around, and rest.  It makes for much intermittent sleeping.  Two hours here - an hour there - but nothing solid.   So I've been up for quite sometime, reading and reflecting over the past year.  I cannot convey how much life there is from/in my bible.  Passages that I've read so many times will just speak new truths to me as I re-read them.  There is such beauty in the truth.  I've always found there to be, but not everyone is in agreement with this.  For some, its become their life's passion to run from it.  Trust me, I know - when I was using, to a degree, I did the same thing.  It's a natural part of the disease.  Who can tell themselves the truth when your whole life is a lie?  
At least this is what your addiction is telling you.  And tell you it does.  The power over the mind that active addiction has is mind boggling.  I've known it to take men and women with PHD…

Lean times...with never ending love.

Hope.  It's a full time job sometimes, depending upon someone's station in life.  If that is the way that you believe.  If it's about the apple or the seed.  
I don't totally believe in our being predestined.  However my father was pretty enthusiastic about life and it's people.  He lived a happy  life with only the use of one hand and one leg.  My dad did more with one hand and one leg than most do with a full functioning body.  I know this is where I get my spunk.  Daddy had high hopes, as a matter of fact he used to sing that song to me.... "high hopes, he's got high hopes, high - apple - pie - in the sky hopes...".  Wow does that ever bring back the memories here on this Thanksgiving week.  How my life has gone from having so much family to my sitting here in front of this blinking curser, alone.  It is a difficult adjustment - these times.  There is nothing to prepare you for it, nor anything that could have helped you buffer  from these feeling…

The beauty of listening....

I never thought on the morning of surgery that I'd be at such peace.  I'm five days out of not smoking and I have no idea what that means in terms of withdrawal but I'm at peace.  My circumstances aren't all as I'd have them to be, but inside where it matters, I'm at such peace.  The peace that I keep finding is beyond words.  I'm finally fully understanding what my Savior would have for me, and that when I even take the smallest step towards Him in faith - He runs to meet me.  It is beyond words.

My pastor told me last night that I was glowing.... and it was funny because I'd been to Sephoria and had two different types of foundation on - one on one side of my face and another on the other -- to see which one matched... so I didn't even match!  But I KNEW that I was glowing...  I felt it.  I'd made through the most difficult day thus far and I hadn't smoked - and a big part of me wanted to.... a few times!  But I just kept repeating "…

Vulnerable no more.

I never though I'd be  able to say that.  How glorious it is to be at peace.  How delicious it is to be at rest.  The kind of rest that only the Father can give.  The kind of joy that only His mercy can provide. Mercy that I don't deserve, but that He freely gives, even to a once broken child like myself.

This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace.  I've always felt so vulnerable in the world.  Like something was missing.  Something was missing, my Father was gone.  I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father.  Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.

Love for me, was a double edged sword.  It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful.  My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs.  I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed.  This stayed with me into adulthood.  I've been facing these issues.  I&…

Because I Matter...

I'm learning.  I'm learning at an astonishing rate.  It's actually so much, I can hardly accommodate it.  There are so many theme's occurring, so many layers, that I know it will take me months if not years to assimilate all of this to my life.  It's okay - I knew that this would be the case.  It is just so mind boggling to be in the midst of such a transformative force.  

I am discovering that there really needs to be some changes made in my life.  Serious changes.  It may mean that I need to remove some people and make some different choices.  All of it is not completely clear.  However, I know that it will become increasingly more vivid as time brings it into perspective.  

You see, I've not really mattered to myself throughout my life.  As hard as that is to admit.  I say that with all candor.  I say that with all humility.  I say that to right the wrongs, and heal the wounds in my heart.  

I had a mother that did not give me love.  She did not give me affecti…

Becoming...and the spaces in between.

Isn't life just a series of becomings?  It seems to be to me.  I suppose it's mostly about the rebirthing process, out of some sort of mental darkness into clarity of personal truths.  There are some times in life that are more illuminating than others, and that happens to be one of those times for me now.

It's interesting how things come to you, and it begins a path that you did not know that you'd take, and all of the sudden your right in the midst of it.  This is magical living.  I don't believe in "magic" - I akin it to the supernatural of Jesus.  Answers to prayers.  Oh, how God answers prayers in such mysterious ways, with such amazing people.  I cannot express this enough.  My life right now, is filled with them.  Amazing people.  Amazing people of God.

It takes me back to the Hero's journey -- the delve into the unconscious, and the helpers that the hero discovers along the way on his/her  path to transformation.  Each and everyone has a pa…

A valiant quest.

I began a journey today.  One I've taken before.  One of which there seems to be no end.  I'm okay with this -- for it is life, for some.  Few actually, when I really think about it.  Few face the fear and delve into the inner recesses.  I liken it to a hero's journey.  For it takes great courage.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She was a quiet, shy little girl, that needed much love.  Although she needed it, she did not get it.  Not from the one person that she needed it from the most.  She did not understand this, and it made her quite weary, afraid, and she felt very much alone in the world.  Alone, afraid and different - she like to hide from people an pretend that she was invisible.  She felt as if she were anyway.  She'd hide for hours on end, but no one came to look for her, and it just made her feel that much more insecure.  For life is uncertain, when you are not loved.

People don't understand when I say or explain that it was my mother that …

Let Grace cover the earth!


The link above is to one of the most amazingly anointed, men of God I've ever known.  I have  no words to explain how what it is to be in this man's presence, little alone to study under his teachings.   It is ineffable.  
His teaching is that which of I write....of Grace.  Of precious Jesus.  For many, unlike anything you've ever heard before.  You just might find yourself as I did, set free.  It's transformed my life, and nothing would make my heart leap with joy more than to pass this on and have the message of grace touch souls.  Let it pull you home.  From where ever you are.  God is not mad, and He's especially not mad at you.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  He is the what set love into motion, and you think he does not know how to love you??  He created love!  He created us to love!  Yet we look to people to fulfill this, and they cannot.  Then we blame God.  Interesting concept really.  He did …

Learning/trusting/growing...Grace 101 again.

Faith is an amazing thing.  Mine has been growing by leaps and bounds.  I've had a bad experience, yet I know that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  

We had a different Pastor Wed. night at or church - and he was amazing.  He preached on what it meant for him to be "in grace."  It was so beautiful.  He inspired me so.  I've been struggling quite a bit, as of late.  As those of you know that read my blog - I'm trying to let go of the old dreams and beliefs if you will - of marriage.  This is not an easy feat.  However, I've not given it much thought as of late.  I know that I need to, I need to do that inner work, and I will - I guess I've identified it, but just not all the way ready.  I have a chance to do some grief work, and I'm going to take it if it fully comes to fruition.  

I've had several eye opening things happen the past week.  Several blessings, and some sad events.  Yet, I'm more and more convinced that the less that I…

Letting Go.

I've several things going on in my life right now.  My mother is ill, and has been in the hospital with double pneumonia - among other things.  She is back in the nursing home now, but I have been unable to go and see her - she is several miles away.  My car is in need of repair, and I'm driving it gingerly.  A part for the car had to be ordered that will not come in until Tuesday of next week, then I can get it repaired.  I have to pray to not feel guilty, anxious, and distressed about not being able to go and see my mom - because they almost let her die in that nursing home.  I realize that my feeling any number of those feelings doesn't change anything --- but tell that to my heart.  (sigh).   If it weren't for my God and the peace that He has bestowed to me, I think I'd be a basket case right now.  I know that I would be.  There just isn't anything that I can do about this situation, it is unsafe for me to travel that far - and it is quite a ways, so I have…

Seasons of life.

I'm not actually sure where to start when it comes to the things that have transpired in my life - since I've last written.  It seems I struggle, and then rise above it, and then struggle again.  Some of it (probably more that I like to admit) is self-imposed - through mental and emotional torture.  If I only had some sort of magic formula to turn off this thought generator in my head.  It's a lot a kin to a percolator - steady going at it with the expulsion of thought.  I so often just wish it would shut down.  However, don't misunderstand - just because my mind goes on ... my emotions aren't always tied to them.  Some of the things that happen - I detach from.  Yeah, me, I'm learning..... And I'm learning about not taking things personally...   sometimes it just someone's drama - and it has nothing to do with me.  But, the biggest thing is just living in peace.  The peace that grace gives you.  I could blog for what feels like lifetimes about this.  A…

Kid Fears.....

Never Good Enough.  That one stands out for me like a sharp knife.  Empty.  Crushed.   These things.... the pain that we hide.  And what it does to us.  Pain has a voice, whether it be distrust, fear, or anger - but believe you me --- it has a voice, and it demands to be heard.  
This song resonates with me so much.  I can see my childhood in it.  My hiding places.  I can feel the fear that I had as a child when I listen to it.  How sad, how truly sad.  I can say that today --- my connection with this is brief, and I can come back up into today's reality --- but I remember the time when I could not.  When fear was my every breath.  This is why I write of transformation ...of healing, and growth, because I've lived it.  I've crossed that great divide and embraced that searing pain.  I know that it is possible to come through it -- I'm living proof.  
I've had the occasion as of late to bristle up with a bit of that pain once again from days of old.  See our journey…