Thursday, December 18, 2014

Mercy, Grace, and Love

Love.  It's gotten me by as of late.  I've been in a lot of pain.  Physical pain.  I've had surgery - and am now passing kidney stones.  This on top of the chronic pain that I live with - has been quite the challenge.  

Pain brings you to a presupposes if that is the right word I'm looking for.  At any rate, it brings you to an edge.  One either becomes hardened towards God, or one becomes more humble and open to Him.  For me, I see this as an opportunity to receive God's goodness.  Matter of fact, I've been praying for God to show me His love in everyday life.  So far, it's been pretty amazing.  People have popped up in my life, given to me in immeasurable ways, and life has just been stunning.  


God's mercy amazes me.  I have never deserved it.  Not with the life that I have led.  I've stolen from the people that I've loved, defied God, and pushed the limitations of His love.  Yet and still, He has remained steadfast, gentle, honorable, and most of all - merciful.  I never dreamed that God could, would, and did still love me despite my debacles.  Of course this was before I entered into grace.  I believed under law there was no way that a God of that magnitude could have mercy.  In fact, what I had been taught -- that God didn't.  


I suppose I'm back to the amazing magnificence of grace once again.  How it has genuinely transformed my life.  From the depths of my addiction (which no longer plagues me) to where I am now -- in the heart of peace, is almost magical living.  I say this because I've come from a place where I used to take apart every thought, analysis every feeling, and I suffered so badly with the weight of my past.  God may have forgiven me, but there was no way that I was able to.  I carried it around like an anvil.  It was constantly above my head.  The weight of it all was enormous.  The shame that I felt was horrendous.  


I wish there were some what that I could explain the beauty of grace.  God's grace and mercy.  I wish I had known about my sin debt being paid in full.  That God is not some evil task master.  That He did not sit in a chair that turned away from me when I made mistakes -- that He literally pulled away from me when I screwed up.  He is not some yo-yo God!  To think of this now is ridiculous but this was what I had been taught --- that sin separated you from God.  Now I know that nothing can separate you from the love of God.  Praise God!  For when we sin we need God all the more!  


At any rate, God has been showing me His love in a variety of ways.  I've been shown through people, and through my kitty Gracie.  Yes, God can use an animal.  He made them.  Sunsets are allowed too.  


There is beauty all around us, if we but look.  It is all in a manner of seeing with new eyes.  If we focus on what is wrong with the world, this is what we will see.  If we focus on what is right -- and so on.  What kind of eyes do you have?  


Grace is such a beautiful word in and of itself.  I'm enamored by it.  I'm in love with it.  It's touched my life so deeply.  I owe so much to it.  I don't know where I would be without it.  Grace and mercy.  What an amazing God we serve.  So beyond my comprehension.  He answers prayer in such astounding ways.  Mine anyway.  Living life with your eyes open as well as your heart is so amazing.  The things that you see!  The things that you experience!  Living life with an expectant heart, and an abundant soul is an awesome way to life but it requires trust and faith.  Faith over fear.  You must go forward into the unknown.  This is the spirit of faith.  It seems at Christmas there is an expectancy that there isn't at any other time of year -- for most people but I say what if we lived that way?  What if we lived that way year round, waiting to see what God was going to do in our lives?  Wouldn't that be amazing?  I think it would....


I suppose I'm childlike in many ways.  I wouldn't change it.  It is my faith.  I expect God to do amazing things in my life.  It allows me to keep pushing despite horrible pain and helps me not blame God.  God did not cause this.  I just do blame God anymore.  I'm better for it. I'm so grateful that I know that all good things come from God.  Good things like love, mercy and grace.  Grace means gift - which takes us to Christmas -- CHRISTmas.   Don't forget, He is the reason for the season.  To us a Savor was born.....

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Your Beautiful...


Sleep doesn't come easy post surgery - especially when all that you can do is rattle around, and rest.  It makes for much intermittent sleeping.  Two hours here - an hour there - but nothing solid.  
So I've been up for quite sometime, reading and reflecting over the past year.  I cannot convey how much life there is from/in my bible.  Passages that I've read so many times will just speak new truths to me as I re-read them.  There is such beauty in the truth.  I've always found there to be, but not everyone is in agreement with this.  For some, its become their life's passion to run from it.  Trust me, I know - when I was using, to a degree, I did the same thing.  It's a natural part of the disease.  Who can tell themselves the truth when your whole life is a lie?  

At least this is what your addiction is telling you.  And tell you it does.  The power over the mind that active addiction has is mind boggling.  I've known it to take men and women with PHD's to their knees.  So it certainly isn't about intelligence.  You can think all day and night about having an addiction and still not stop.  It is the one disease that tells you - you don' t have one.  Denial being one of it's greatest (strongest) features.  I talked to someone yesterday that almost blew their face off - and asked them how it changed their life - the accident - and I got an astonishing answer, "not much, really."  The brain's capacity to protect it's supply is amazing.  Even in the face of consequences that could have produced death --- we'll keep right on using or drinking.  I know because I've done it.  I've seen it in action right in front of me - heard denial's excuses, from my clients - and from people that I love.  I've watched it take the lives of those that I love, on too many occasions.  

I still wonder if someone had told me then that God wasn't mad at me, and that He's never been mad at me -- would I have believed it?  If someone had taken the time to tell me that we weren't under the law of sin and death any more -- would I have listened?  If someone, somewhere had have told me that I was loved more than I could imagine - more than I could ever dream... would it have made a difference?  I wonder this because I always loved God -- you see the best way that I knew how.  I read my bible -- high.  I have burn marks all over my King James Version - study bible.  How humbling it was to take that to church, and then to fall asleep during the sermon.  How horrible that was for my parents.  Not only did I have a machine giving me too much medicine ( pain pump) I had break through meds besides.  I'd often fall asleep in my food - etc.  I was a constant source of embarrassment to my parents.  Nodding off all the time, isn't normal.  Burning up everything with cigarettes isn't normal.  I've had few bedspreads that didn't have burn holes in them, or mattresses for that matter - because I'd smoke in bed.  The sight of my apartment living room was scary - and then there came the day I caught myself on fire....  

I want to tell you something today.  You're Beautiful.  No matter what you're doing, how far you think that you've gotten out of control -- how despicable you think you're life has become -- you are still loved by God.  He/She - (however you need to see It) has never stopped loving you -- since you came into existence.  You want to know why?  Because it isn't about us or our behavior!  It is about what Jesus did at Calvary!  He became sin who knew no sin, so that we could become His righteousness !  How do I know this?  It's in the bible.  We seem to think that we've done all of these horrible things -- and just can't be forgiven or saved -- and did you know that back in the Old Testament times they were offering babies for sacrifice?  Moses was a murder!  He had just murdered an Egyptian prior to his going before Pharo (spelling) to demand letting the people go.  We hammer at people the 10 commandments - the "moral law" and we aren't even Jews!  We are Gentiles!  And besides that there were 613 "laws".... not just 10!  What man has done to the bible is astonishing!  We've never been under such law.  Never.  Yet we've swallowed what these preachers had fed us for years and years, hook line and sinker.  We've felt the guilt, week after week, after week.  We've allowed them to tell us what's in OUR bibles and we haven't read them!  They take one verse here and another there and shove it down our throats.  And we've allowed them.  We've even allowed them to let our salvation be at risk, thinking we have to be saved and re-saved, week after week.  It's just not true.  All of that is really low-level Christianity.  

I want to tell you something.  Don't believe me -- check it out for yourself -- there are lots of grace preachers - just google it.  Find you're freedom.  I've written about it, but you don't even have to believe me.    The information is out there.  Andrew Farley is a great teacher/pastor.  Paul White my pastor, Creflo Dollar, just search for grace teachings and see what you get. 

But most of all, I want you to know that you're beautiful.  Despite what your addiction is telling you so that you keep getting wasted - you aren't worthless.  You never have been - no matter who told you this.  Love and pain are universal.  You know pain -- why not set forth to know love?  A love like you've never known,  A safety and a security that is beyond explanation.  There just are no words for the peace that I have in my life today.  And it all begins with a single step into a different direction.  I won't tell you that it will be easy.  Nothing in life that is worth having is.  I can tell you if you'll take a step in love's direction -- love will be returned.    

I so hope this inspires.  I so hope that someone somewhere - chooses differently.  I so hope that someone realizes that they are loved and always have been.  

I wish someone had have told me....     






Please listen to video below...







Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Lean times...with never ending love.


Hope.  It's a full time job sometimes, depending upon someone's station in life.  If that is the way that you believe.  If it's about the apple or the seed.  

I don't totally believe in our being predestined.  However my father was pretty enthusiastic about life and it's people.  He lived a happy  life with only the use of one hand and one leg.  My dad did more with one hand and one leg than most do with a full functioning body.  I know this is where I get my spunk.  Daddy had high hopes, as a matter of fact he used to sing that song to me.... "high hopes, he's got high hopes, high - apple - pie - in the sky hopes...".  Wow does that ever bring back the memories here on this Thanksgiving week.  How my life has gone from having so much family to my sitting here in front of this blinking curser, alone.  It is a difficult adjustment - these times.  There is nothing to prepare you for it, nor anything that could have helped you buffer  from these feelings - they just are.  Believe you me, I want to escape.  My mind is doing every last thing to try and get me to run from how I feel right now.  The inescapable part that I know is that I either feel this now, or feel it at another time because it's not the feeling that has to change, or adapt, it's me and my understanding of it.  The facts will still remain.  I'm alone, I no longer have close family, and I'm going to have to get used to it.    

I'm alone post surgery after asking a life long friend for help - and getting excuses.  He's been checked off the "I don't matter" list -- I don't care how long I've known him.  I mean, shoot - I'm three days outside of surgery and he isn't even working and he won't come.  Oh well...  Done with that mess of excuses.  I didn't ever matter to him anyway.  If I had, I wouldn't been here and him there...  

Alas, you all know me better than this.  I cannot put my faith into humans.  My faith is in Jesus.  He will never fail me!  No matter what things may look like, what they may feel like -- I love a God who takes the impossible and makes it supernatural!  People will fail you.  Expect that.  God never does.  He is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday...

Sure I miss my Dad.  Sure it would be great if things were different.  But they are not.  I'm going to walk in faith in a new direction and see what happens.  There are quiet moments which call for me to reflect and draw near to what I know.  This is a time to reflect on my hopes and not wallow in my fears.  I've spent way too many years doing that...  besides what is that going to get any of us but more fear?  Haven't we all given fear much more attention than it deserves?  I know I have.  

I also know that when I just take even a baby step out towards my Jesus, he runs to meet me.  His arms wide open, He embraces me with all gentleness and delight.  He's been waiting for me to choose Him over fear, my whole life.  For once in my life, I'm doing it.  All things work together for the good of those that love God!!!  So even though my outward man may appear to be perishing, my inward man is being renewed day by day!!!  I may not have answers or certainty of how everything will work out envisioned all in my minds-eye, but this is the stuff that faith is made of.  It is stepping out and trusting even when all the ducks aren't in a row -- when my life isn't all pretty and boxed up with a Christmas ribbon on it.  Matter of fact, things are pretty grim right now -- if you really knew the truth, but I'm going to trust my Savior anyway.  I actually delight in trusting Him.  Jesus answers prayer in such unexpected and awesome ways.... I'm anticipant to see how this works out.  My heavenly Father is so (for lack of better words) amazingly awesome -- and so impossible to predict ... (in amazing ways- He is predictable for He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow in His steadfast love for us) I feel kind of like a child, waiting for it's Father to return home.  I just can't wait to see what Daddy does in my life!

                                Daddy, Abba, Father, Friend -- all of these things are what my Savior are to me.   It's taken me a lifetime to truly understand that He will not fail me.  It's taken addiction, addiction to food, pills, booze, men, relationships, spending -- any and everything I could do to make the hurt subside.  Anything that I could TRY to make it subside... none of those things actually worked.  You know why?   Because you cannot fight feelings.  Feelings just are.  They aren't debatable.   We're the ones that try to mask, change, alter, and make them go away.  God gave them to us for a reason.  In all actuality they are a gift.  If we are living our lives in such a manner as to have or be in balance.  Feelings are our indicators, our pay-off's if you will, and our blessings.  They were never meant to be something that we try with everything in us to avoid.  This is something that us as humans have came up with because we've gotten so far out of the will of God.  Away from His word -- and I mean no condemnation there.  Most people do not even know of the New Covenant.   They do not even know about grace - or that they are gentiles, and not jews.  Don't get me started there.  I've other blogs for that.... (See Grace 101)

Friends are difficult to come by in this lifetime.  If you have one's that you've had for a long time -- hold on to them and cherish them.  Friendships aren't about quantity -- it's all about quality.  I'd rather have one really great one (which I do, praise God!) than a bunch of mediocre ones.  I guess I really have several but when the chips are down - we certainly know who we can depend upon don't we?  

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life; nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. "  Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

God/Jesus isn't, hasn't gone anywhere.  He is right here (in your heart).  All you have to do is believe.  (Questions?  Leave a comment at any time, and 'll get back to you, I promise.)

So, Gracie and I are going to have a fantastic Thanksgiving - post surgery - even with all of the things that I can't do!  Even though I can't really cook, and am in need of several things.  God will provide.  It won't be like it used to be, but I'm not who I used to be.  Praise God!!!!   All I ever wanted was to be loved.....
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The beauty of listening....

I never thought on the morning of surgery that I'd be at such peace.  I'm five days out of not smoking and I have no idea what that means in terms of withdrawal but I'm at peace.  My circumstances aren't all as I'd have them to be, but inside where it matters, I'm at such peace.  The peace that I keep finding is beyond words.  I'm finally fully understanding what my Savior would have for me, and that when I even take the smallest step towards Him in faith - He runs to meet me.  It is beyond words.

My pastor told me last night that I was glowing.... and it was funny because I'd been to Sephoria and had two different types of foundation on - one on one side of my face and another on the other -- to see which one matched... so I didn't even match!  But I KNEW that I was glowing...  I felt it.  I'd made through the most difficult day thus far and I hadn't smoked - and a big part of me wanted to.... a few times!  But I just kept repeating "I can't do this, but the Holy Spirit inside of me can!" -- and I made it.  Yesterday was the hardest day.

This is a much different transformation than I've ever gone through.  Much different because it is God that is doing the changing --- all that I'm doing is listening to His direction.  I'm staying out of the way.

I've lived my life full of worldly logic - Gina's smarts, and analytical mumbo jumbo... and you know what?  I've been doing the same work over and over again,  I believe because it was empty of any true direction from God.

I've always had the holy spirit inside of me -- and I've turned Him off a lot.  I'm not proud of that.  But something has changed.   I have matured.  I think I finally understand.  Glory be to God!  I was still not giving up my addiction for some kind of fear -- some kind of distrust of God.  I didn't even know it, wasn't even aware of it until now.

I was trying to live with half a "new man" and half my old ways!  And of course in grace - there was no condemnation!  Praise God the more that I heard grace, the more I heard the loveliness of Jesus -- it just crept into my soul and I could not deny it any longer - I had to let go of my old ways.  Perhaps they weren't horrible things -- and perhaps they weren't "sins" but it was not indicative of the real me as a new creation in the eyes of God!  I'd heard what the holy spirit had said to me, but I was not being obedient.  I didn't want to give up those things.  But now, I freely do !!!  I give them up and more if need be because I want to live as closely to whom God would have me be as humanly possible!  I've tasted this transformation -- walked in this light of the spirit and it's beauty is immeasurable!!  So much that I've no fear today!

"And be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God to true righteousness and holiness."  Ephesians 4:24

I know that I cannot convey how I feel.  I'm renewed.  My mind and my spirit.  I feel like a little kid with awe and wonder.  The amazing part is that this is just the beginning...  and I have childlike anticipation!  Only God knows where He'll take me from here.  And He's in the miracle business.

To think all it took was for me to listen to the holy spirit inside of me.  Thank you Jesus for our internal version of You.  We are the most blessed humans on earth.  Thank you Jesus for where You are taking me, and for the patience that You have had with me.  I will forever glorify YOU.  Your mercy, Your love, Your patience, and especially Your grace.... I'm listening now..... In Jesus Precious Name. Amen.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Vulnerable no more.

I never though I'd be  able to say that.  How glorious it is to be at peace.  How delicious it is to be at rest.  The kind of rest that only the Father can give.  The kind of joy that only His mercy can provide. Mercy that I don't deserve, but that He freely gives, even to a once broken child like myself.

This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace.  I've always felt so vulnerable in the world.  Like something was missing.  Something was missing, my Father was gone.  I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father.  Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.

Love for me, was a double edged sword.  It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful.  My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs.  I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed.  This stayed with me into adulthood.  I've been facing these issues.  I've been battling these issues my entire life.  Because of this - I couldn't fully trust - not people and especially not God.  This hurt me deeply.  It seemed impossible for me to overcome this.  I knew intrinsically she did not love me, despite what came out of her mouth.

How I became a person with such high hopes, I'll never know.   My father's unconditional love and constant praise saved me.  My grandmother and my father were the source of love that literally saved my life.  If not for them, I really would hate to ponder where I'd be -- if I'd be alive today.  I was a hull of a person up until my mid 20''s as it was - barren of personhood.  I had no goals, no real sense of who I was, nor any idea how to find myself.  I just existed.  My life was a series of negative, risky  behaviors to try to elevate pain or fill up the enormous hole in my gut.   I tried filling it with anything and everything that seemed like it might be better than the shame and devastation that I felt.  Life or I just did not matter.  How could it?  I'd not mattered to one of the most important people in my life, my mom.  The really sad part was that I loved her so.  All I ever wanted was her time, attention, love, and approval.

I know now that it was not my fault.                          She could not give what she did not have.

What a miracle it is for me to not need her.  What a miracle it is that I'm okay.  That I'm better than okay.  That I don't have to fill that hole with anything any longer.  That there is no hole anymore.  That I'm whole now.  Praise God.  I can be alone and not lonely.  I can be alone and enjoy it, enjoy my company.

It's okay that my journey has taken me thus far.  It's been an incredible journey.  God's been right here the whole time.  As I look back, God and only God has gotten me through.  It's okay that I need God. This is a reliance that is healthy.  I've a healthy relationship with God.

I knew God at an early age.  I knew Him but not like I know Him now.  I need Him now.  It is okay to need Him.  He is everything to me.  He has taught me how to love even when I don't want to, because He did.  He has healed my heart.  I know that if I hadn't been through what I did, I'd never have needed Him so.  I praise Him for this. It has made me who I am.  I like me.  I no longer have lack.  I no longer feel empty.  I no longer feel broken.  I'm no longer vulnerable in this world.  Thank God for His mercy, His precious grace - for while we were yet sinners, He died for us....  There is nothing more beautiful than that....<3

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Because I Matter...

I'm learning.  I'm learning at an astonishing rate.  It's actually so much, I can hardly accommodate it.  There are so many theme's occurring, so many layers, that I know it will take me months if not years to assimilate all of this to my life.  It's okay - I knew that this would be the case.  It is just so mind boggling to be in the midst of such a transformative force.  

I am discovering that there really needs to be some changes made in my life.  Serious changes.  It may mean that I need to remove some people and make some different choices.  All of it is not completely clear.  However, I know that it will become increasingly more vivid as time brings it into perspective.  

You see, I've not really mattered to myself throughout my life.  As hard as that is to admit.  I say that with all candor.  I say that with all humility.  I say that to right the wrongs, and heal the wounds in my heart.  

I had a mother that did not give me love.  She did not give me affection.  She was cold and unfeeling.  She was distant.  In return - I felt unloveable.  I felt alienated.  I felt different.  I felt like a nonentity.  I did not have a sense of personhood.  I did not MATTER.  What I felt did not matter, what I thought did not matter, what I needed did not matter, who I was did not matter... and on it goes.  

As a result of this one can only imagine the consequences that followed.  When a person does not know who they are, or have a sense of self, they will search to find, and fill the empty spaces with anything that gives the appearance of fulfillment.  They will look to anything or anyone that appears to have the answers, unwittingly search, seek, touch, taste, and tempt any direction that seems to fill the empty vastness within their void.  

I've written about my addiction -- which was an automatic reaction to my plight.  I sincerely believe this.  Without genetic predisposition - which I had - the most natural response to the emptiness that I felt would have been to reach for a substance to make me feel normal.  I am not excusing myself, in any manner, shape, nor form.  Not that addiction needs an excuse, it is a disease.  A "dis- EASE."  A dis quiet of the soul.  It is a screaming of sorts out of our inner most being, to relive the pain.  At least it was in my case.  Feeling numb was the only answer to not knowing who I was.  Or where I belonged.  I had to quiet the questions, I had to quiet the devastating, unending pain.  

Now having been taught, after two treatments, a different way to live; I did excel.  Yet, I still did not feel like I fit.  I still had not hit upon the heart of the matter.  I became "sobriety".  I attacked it with every fiber of my being.  I mastered it.  So much that I became "queen".  I became a "Counselor."  It wasn't my job - it was who I was.  It was my identity.   I was damn good at something for the first time in my life.  Well, actually as I recollect, I had became good at everything that I aspired to be, even a drug addict.  I had to, because I had nothing else.  If I was someone's girlfriend, I had to be the best.  It had to cover my shame.  The shame of not knowing who I was.  The shame of all the past mistakes, things that had happened to me, shame that I wasn't lovable, shame that I did not matter.  My life HAD to outrun the shame.  

Now if you know anything about AA - you know that you deal with this in the 4th and 5th step - and then in the 10th step.  I worked those steps until my minds ached.  But I got too good at it.  I got arrogant.  When I became a counselor -- I thought I did not need AA anymore.  Alas, I relapsed.  My life went into a terrible shame-filled spiral.  I worked living a lie.  

Now I won't bore you with the whole story.  One can read past blogs and find that three years ago I found grace.  Grace and peace through Jesus Christ.  The only One that can give it.  I am no longer under the condemnation and shame that I once lived under.  This has brought me to where I am now.  I am free from the addiction, and able to define myself in His grace.  

My journey is brining me to a quiet, still place.  A place where I am at rest.  A place where I can look at my past but not be defined by it.  Where I can examine losses and feel my feelings with out fear.  I can communicate effectively what needs to be said in the here and now.  I know that my Savior holds me in His hands.  Me.  Not who I think someone what's me to be, but me.  The one who matters.  

I have a spirit, and I have a soul.  I do matter.  I finally matter to the one that matters!  ME!  I matter to the one that's needed to matter my entire life!  As silly as this may seem to others, it does not matter to me, because all that matters is that I matter to me!  Oh what a  transformation this is!  What a declaration this is!  What freedom.  No longer do I have to feel the emptiness that I felt and search for meaning.  I am home.  I am here.  I matter.  

Why did I write this?  I wrote this for anyone out there that struggles with feeling like they don't belong.  I wrote this for anyone that might struggle with feeling like they don't matter, for whatever reason.  I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are others who's mother did not give them what they needed.   Others who must struggle with this in adulthood.  I know that people are wounded.  We're a wounded society.  I write so that others will find hope in my struggles.  That others will find strength in my battle.  Find encouragement in my truths.  Because I matter.  


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Becoming...and the spaces in between.


Isn't life just a series of becomings?  It seems to be to me.  I suppose it's mostly about the rebirthing process, out of some sort of mental darkness into clarity of personal truths.  There are some times in life that are more illuminating than others, and that happens to be one of those times for me now.

It's interesting how things come to you, and it begins a path that you did not know that you'd take, and all of the sudden your right in the midst of it.  This is magical living.  I don't believe in "magic" - I akin it to the supernatural of Jesus.  Answers to prayers.  Oh, how God answers prayers in such mysterious ways, with such amazing people.  I cannot express this enough.  My life right now, is filled with them.  Amazing people.  Amazing people of God.

It takes me back to the Hero's journey -- the delve into the unconscious, and the helpers that the hero discovers along the way on his/her  path to transformation.  Each and everyone has a particular role to play - a part to the puzzle of life, if you will.  It it so with us.  We are all unique individuals with special talents and gifts -- sometimes sitting on the sidelines waiting our entire lives for just that brief encounter with someone, that affects their life in amazing ways.  I can attest to this, I've had it happen too many times to discount it.  God gives us not only a lamp unto our feet in His word but living, breathing testimonies to help support and guide us along the way.  Jesus shows up in the neatest places!

I'm going through two therapies right now.  I'm in process of completing a grief/loss therapy and I'm in regular therapy also.  Both are weekly right now.  It's pretty intensive as one could imagine.  I'm not afraid of change.  I've not been afraid of change for some time now - for I know in Whom my peace lies.  Alls I'm trying to do is heal some of the emotional scars that are present in order to be as open to life, and love more fully.

I want to "taste" each day.  I want to rejoice and be glad in it.  There are just days when I don't and I want to release whatever this might be... and let my light shine.  I want to live, love, give, serve, confess, everything and anything that the Lord might have me do... and I don't want anything to be in my way.  Nothing.  Not in my past, not now, not ever.

Now a person might say, "aren't you trying to fix everything?"  No, actually it isn't even I that does the changing.  It is God.  I've been through some pretty difficult things.  I think my "part" is to look at it.  I believe I have to feel the emotion that is involved, that is my responsibility.  There are  those that think they can just "jump" over this, that there isn't any need in healing emotionally.  I do not agree.  My health and my wholeness is a process of being emotionally honest with myself.  Grief, loss, what ever may be the case -- needs to be addressed before I move on, or else it's like excess baggage that I carry with me, unkempt and undone.  I cannot live life fully, nor entirely alive.  I will not be fully alive.  And I want to be fully alive!  I'm tired of things happening and my responses to them being off kilter.  I want to be free of the past to not reach back for OLD tools to solve todays problems.  I want NEW tools for the present moments!!!!  I just happen to believe that for Gina, the chest of losses needs to be cleaned out.

I want to be open to fully love.  To fully feel.  To  not expect what happened in my past to repeat itself because I've not healed.  I earnestly believe it drags me down.  I'm tired (sick and!!!) of the recollection of pain in my life.  I'm drawing back the curtain on these past losses and letting them know that this is the last time that they will haunt me.   This is the last time that they will have power over me.  I'm forging a new horizon, a new path --- one that is free from the bondage of past drives, reactions, and negativity.   I will become the woman that the Lord has destined me to become -- free from the shackles of that  misery.

Times of transformation are exhausting.  Everyone will not be in agreement with you.  You will have those that think that you are nuts for even taking on such a journey.  There will be those that believe that God can change all this in an instant.  I believe that He can too -- but for whatever reason, this is MY PATH.  I don't expect anyone else to understand and I don't care if they do.  It's my walk with Jesus, not theirs.  I don't walk around "all healed up" --- and FINE.  I don't believe that in the first place.  Fine is a  lie.  Fine is a shield that people put up to discourage others from asking what's really going on.  It creates distance-- that's what it's designed to do.  No human is "fine".  We are much too intricate, alive, and vast beings to simply be "fine."  It's a cop out.  It merely means, I'm not going to tell you......

I'm not your average grace believer.  I'm seriously okay with this.  It makes me an oddball.  I don't fit in, but this is totally okay.  It's my journey with Jesus.  I wouldn't take anything in the world for it.  I am not stressing over it, because I know who my Savior is, and I know where my help comes from.  I'm not deluded enough to think that I can do this alone.  I would have never taken this on, if not for Jesus.  He has led me down this path.  Jesus and only Jesus knows why I need to do it this way.  This is all the validation that I need.  I don't need a church, nor it's people to tell me what, nor how I need to live my life.  The holy spirit inside of me leads me.

So for now -- I'm in the spaces in between.  I'm in a somewhat painful place.  It won't last forever, and I encounter those that don't understand.  It's okay --- they don't have to.  It's my journey.  God keeps giving me what I need as I go.  So far, it's been pretty amazing.  The things that I'm finding out about myself are painful at times, and healing must take place.  This is okay too.  God's got me.  It I did not have the relationship with Jesus that I have, I'd never be able to take this on.  I'm learning so much, and there's great peace in the truth.  There is solace in the pain of becoming.

Just ask the butterfly.....






Thursday, October 9, 2014

A valiant quest.

I began a journey today.  One I've taken before.  One of which there seems to be no end.  I'm okay with this -- for it is life, for some.  Few actually, when I really think about it.  Few face the fear and delve into the inner recesses.  I liken it to a hero's journey.  For it takes great courage.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She was a quiet, shy little girl, that needed much love.  Although she needed it, she did not get it.  Not from the one person that she needed it from the most.  She did not understand this, and it made her quite weary, afraid, and she felt very much alone in the world.  Alone, afraid and different - she like to hide from people an pretend that she was invisible.  She felt as if she were anyway.  She'd hide for hours on end, but no one came to look for her, and it just made her feel that much more insecure.  For life is uncertain, when you are not loved.

People don't understand when I say or explain that it was my mother that didn't love me.  I've had this confirmed by her.  My mother told me that she hated me when I was a child.  I don't know how to respond to this.  I know what my childhood was like, and it makes sense.  I was broken even back then, and I knew it.  I knew that she did not love me.  No one had to tell me, I intrinsically knew it.  It was palpable.  The distain that she had for me.  Her own child.  Her only daughter.

So she dressed me up in pretty clothes, and paraded me around.  I guess that's all she knew to do with me.  She certainly did not know how to love me.  What I can remember was a succession of memories of where I was either a manipulative tool or a show piece to the world.  Brutal as this may sound, I don't care anymore.  My mother was narcissistic, and could not see beyond her own selfish desires.  If there were anything being done with me, on any level it was to her advantage.  It was to glorify her.  How does a child respond to this?  They don't develop a sense of self.  Without a mirror -- there is no formation of personhood.  I felt like a nonentity.

If it had not been for my father and grandmother's love, I do not know.  I feel it in the pit of my stomach now.  That emptiness.  That void.  That lack of consistency that I know in my head a mother must provide.  The enormity now that grace provides me.  Oh how I know that the Father has led me here, with intent.  To the inexplicable love of the Father.  It's boundless... unending.

My journey has taken me into her past, and helped me understand what she went through.  WE CANNOT GIVE WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE.  This has screamed at me, since I was in my twenties. The Hand of God has directed me into this truth.  He has guided me, protected me, nurtured me, held me, enlightened me, and endured with me.  Mine has been a hero's journey.  One with a huge loss but a immeasurable gain... and I stand whole, loved and tethered.  His love never fails.  I've had to learn this.  Never gives up on me.  No matter the mistakes I make, and I've made huge ones.  It's the one thing that I've never understood from my mother or many humans... CONSTANT.  My emotions waver, they falter - but not my Father's love!

So, I dig again and I aim to remove all residue of belief that I am unloveable.  I remove all resolve that I didn't deserve to be nurtured.  I delve into the emotional recesses of my mind and heart that I was ever a burden.  If it takes another disillusion of beliefs and illusion - I delve.  This will be the final internment.  I will not do this again.  I will arise the creation that my Father intended for me to be!!!!  I face whatever pain that may be waiting.  I embrace it.  I will be what my Father created me to be, despite the damage done by my mother, assorted relationships, my addictions, etc.  I have done as much damage to myself as anyone.  For it is I who have tried to fill that huge crevasse with things, substances, people, and food.  Empty is painful when you don't understand how you got that way.  When you yearn for fulness.

And so the journey begins.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Let Grace cover the earth!

http://nearsay.com/c/23946/23617/grace-encounter

The link above is to one of the most amazingly anointed, men of God I've ever known.  I have  no words to explain how what it is to be in this man's presence, little alone to study under his teachings.   It is ineffable.  

His teaching is that which of I write....of Grace.  Of precious Jesus.  For many, unlike anything you've ever heard before.  You just might find yourself as I did, set free.  It's transformed my life, and nothing would make my heart leap with joy more than to pass this on and have the message of grace touch souls.  Let it pull you home.  From where ever you are.  God is not mad, and He's especially not mad at you.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  He is the what set love into motion, and you think he does not know how to love you??  He created love!  He created us to love!  Yet we look to people to fulfill this, and they cannot.  Then we blame God.  Interesting concept really.  He did not make us perfect... but we forget, and ache for it, that connection --- when we need to be looking to our Father for that.  He is the only One that can fulfill that need.  He was, He is, and He will always BE!  Past, present, and perfect tense!  Perfection!  

Of course Pastor Paul White is always available at Midland Church or Paulwhiteministries.com.  All of the sermons are archived and are free for the download or lifestream.  Hallelujah!! If you get a chance to see this man, do not pass it up.  You WILL be blessed.  I promise you.  You will not be the same.  Grace.  What a precious gift.  

Grace and Peace to you.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Learning/trusting/growing...Grace 101 again.

Faith is an amazing thing.  Mine has been growing by leaps and bounds.  I've had a bad experience, yet I know that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  

We had a different Pastor Wed. night at or church - and he was amazing.  He preached on what it meant for him to be "in grace."  It was so beautiful.  He inspired me so.  I've been struggling quite a bit, as of late.  As those of you know that read my blog - I'm trying to let go of the old dreams and beliefs if you will - of marriage.  This is not an easy feat.  However, I've not given it much thought as of late.  I know that I need to, I need to do that inner work, and I will - I guess I've identified it, but just not all the way ready.  I have a chance to do some grief work, and I'm going to take it if it fully comes to fruition.  

I've had several eye opening things happen the past week.  Several blessings, and some sad events.  Yet, I'm more and more convinced that the less that I focus on my circumstances, the better off that I am.  I so feel reborn everyday, in grace.  I could write about it for what seems lifetimes.  I had the grand blessing of having lunch with a friend, just off the cuff today - and we discussed just that - and she's just learning about grace. As I witnessed to her (praise God for the opportunity) I found myself with chills twice.  Oh how I wish that everyone knew of the joy, the ineffible joy of that which I speak.  

Having the knowledge that I'm not under the law of sin and death any longer - has given me a freedom from shame, worry, anxiety, fear, angst, ETC!  I used to live under such condemnation.  And all the while the bible told me "there is therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus."  But no one ever taught me this.  No one ever really taught me that I have the mind of Christ.  Or that I or now have been adopted into His family.  That He calls me friend.  I knew that He laid down His life for me, but I never really understood what this meant.  I never knew that the handwriting of ordinances was nailed to the cross with Him.  Nor did I have any idea what that meant! It was the law of sin and death!  I had not had it explained to me that we were no longer under the old covenant.  How sad this is.  How burdened I was.  How horribly burdened I was, and how "do good to get good", I tried to live my life.  I was a sinner.  Period, saved by grace and that was all that I knew -- and that wasn't even safe, because when I sinned, God turned His face from me.  No wonder people turn there backs on God, they think He turns His face from them!!!

I'm free today.  Free because my Savior Finished the work!  There is nothing that I can do, or need to do that can add anything to that -- and how arrogant, and ridiculous to thing (for me) that we could help God?  How much power do we really think that we have?  Ah, but we do have power.  Just not to add to what Jesus did! 

Now you might as what does that have to do with my growing?  EVERYTHING!!  Because my hope is in Him.  My life, everlasting.  I have Christ inside of me in the form of the holy spirit - all of us do -- the moment that we accepted Christ - and He is changing me.  He is changing me from the inside out.  AS only He can do.  I so used to believe that it was up to me to do the changing but I've since learned that it is Christ that does the evolving.  My sprit man grows because of Christ inside of me, the hope of glory.  I'd share the gospel with anyone that would listen and by gospel - I mean "good news."  I've repented - changed my mind  about who I am, what I have, and what I can do.  Christ answers prayer. The bible say's, all that we have to do is to but ask.  

Now I can take the time to go back and prop all of this up with scripture, but I write this for inspiration - hope, faith, it is not  written to sway nor convince anyone of anything.  It is of my experience.  I hope it enlightens, and the main thing for me is that I write that of what the holy spirit puts on my heart - from the heart.  I truly believe what is written of the heart, is heard with the heart.  I do not have to "prove" anything today.  It just isn't about this for me.  The statement, "It Is Finished!" - is in perfect tense, it was, it is, and it will always be!  Praise God!  If one knows what that means, hallelujah!!!  Then intent is to witness straight out of my heart, and I do that each and every time I write.  

The word intent has hit me as of late. Intentions.  My mind swirls with thought on this....to be continued....

        I have this image in my desktop.  I meditate on it.  It is mindful to me as beautiful as it is, that one might just join Christ on the water as Peter did hand in hand with Jesus.  My mind gravitates to when Jesus lets go.  Can I find rest in my faith alone?  Can if find solace with my spirit man?  Will there be more rain, or is the storm breaking?  Am I on solid rock?  Knowing what I know must merge with my heart, or I only protest.  Can I walk this out?  My mind and my heart, resoundingly say - yes, I can.  I will trust as I wait for new doors and pathways to emerge - and for my Lord to reveal answers that I seek.  I will hold fast for the glory of God.  As sure as the sun rises in the east, and the birds beacon the new day before the sun's rise - God will unveil the promises in my life.  I proclaim this with joy in my heart!!!  With gratitude in my soul.  Tenderness and new mercies arise on my heart...  I love my Lord.  What a journey I have been on, and how immeasurably I am blessed.  Praise God!!!  I thank God in advance for all that He is doing that I have not the foresight to see, but know in my heart, and trust.  My heart burst with expectation because of the love of my Lord!!! 

My Savior is at rest, how can I not be?  One would think with all of these questions I'm not at rest.  It is just not so.  I am naturally inquisitive.  I suppose it a childlike quality that I have.  I bubble with energy mentally at times - I wish it were physical!  Albeit, I like who I am in Christ, and that is all one could really hope for.  I know that people don't get me, however, I'm content in my world.  I praise God for this mind, evolving as it is.... 
may the Lord of my life, my Beloved continue to refine me, and hone me according to His will.  Amen.      

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Letting Go.

I've several things going on in my life right now.  My mother is ill, and has been in the hospital with double pneumonia - among other things.  She is back in the nursing home now, but I have been unable to go and see her - she is several miles away.  My car is in need of repair, and I'm driving it gingerly.  A part for the car had to be ordered that will not come in until Tuesday of next week, then I can get it repaired.  I have to pray to not feel guilty, anxious, and distressed about not being able to go and see my mom - because they almost let her die in that nursing home.  I realize that my feeling any number of those feelings doesn't change anything --- but tell that to my heart.  (sigh).   If it weren't for my God and the peace that He has bestowed to me, I think I'd be a basket case right now.  I know that I would be.  There just isn't anything that I can do about this situation, it is unsafe for me to travel that far - and it is quite a ways, so I have to let it go.  I have no choice.  It and my mother's condition is in God's fully capable hands.

That isn't what I want to write about however.  I've been doing a great deal of soul searching as of late.  My last entry spoke of my problems with spending - and my other negative, addictive behaviors - those things that I do under high stress.  I have had, and usually do have, consequences.  It's only natural.  I won't say that I like it, but I do accept it as a direct result of my behaviors.  I'd gained weight, from my excessive eating.  Not a lot of weight, but add that to the weight that I'd gained prior and to me, it's just intolerable.  I'm not, but I feel like a whale.  I just get angry with myself - but that doesn't really solve anything, now does it?

I had a day where I was just so sad and confused by it all - lately.  I did a grand bit of thinking and processing.  I've deduced that much of what I struggle with, if not all, is loneliness.  Flat out loneliness.  Not some earth shattering unknown complicated fact or emotion, I am just SO tired of being alone.  Day after day - I'm alone.

My thoughts today after rereading, "The Four Agreements." by Don Miguel Ruiz -- are that I have to let these dreams that I have in my head die.  Mr. Ruiz, if you haven't read his book, I would highly recommend it - shares that we all have these dreams in our heads of what and how we want things to go in our lives.  Our dreams can be quite elaborate, and we can get quite attached to them.  All of us have them.  Some of us, most of us have them from childhood.  Girls dream of getting married and having kids - or going off to college -- things such as that.  It's the detailed drama's that we plan in our heads.  We feed them everyday --- we call it "our future".

Even at 52, I still dream of finding a husband and being married again.   Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having or wanting things...don't get me wrong here.  What I'm saying is that this is causing me distress.  This longing, this void is a belief that I've made a conclusive reality.  I've made it into something that defines me.  I'll look at couples and think, "she has someone - why don't I?"  Like there is something wrong with me.   And I'm not always looking at the person lovingly!!!  It's a comparison game.  I thought I'd stopped doing that!  Guess not, not when it comes to my being all alone.  I allow, (and the formidable word here is "allow") myself to suffer because of it.  There are times that I get so upset that I cry like a baby over it.  Now I know being alone is difficult at times.  I know that wanting companionship is normal.... I know all of those things.  However, my allowing myself to suffer because of it -- well, now that's a choice.  I believe it is, anyway.

If I can build that dream, I can let it go.

I can't say that this will be easy.  I cannot say that this won't be painful.  I'm in pain from it anyway - and I'm tired of it running my life.  I'm tired of it telling me that I'm not enough, and that I don't measure up.  There will be aspects of it that will be freeing, and aspects of it that will take much thought.  I'm tired of it feeding my addiction.  I want to break that cycle, once and for all --- for I believe wholeheartedly that the holy spirit spoke this truth to me.  It is a change in mindset, a new perspective.  I've been so afraid of being alone -- and the truth is that I am alone and I'm okay.  God has been with me through out my life, and I don't see this changing.  I see that increasing.  So piece by piece, bit by bit, I'll let it go.  No more looking at wedding dresses, or rings - veils - or the like.  Why do I put myself through such sorrow?  It's insane.  It's only a dream.

Change.  It's a beautiful thing.  I thank God for the mind that He gave me, for my life thus far.  I thank Him ahead of time, for what HE has in store.  I don't know, and that is really okay.  Jeremiah 25:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  And with that, I'm letting go.....


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Seasons of life.

I'm not actually sure where to start when it comes to the things that have transpired in my life - since I've last written.  It seems I struggle, and then rise above it, and then struggle again.  Some of it (probably more that I like to admit) is self-imposed - through mental and emotional torture.  If I only had some sort of magic formula to turn off this thought generator in my head.  It's a lot a kin to a percolator - steady going at it with the expulsion of thought.  I so often just wish it would shut down.  However, don't misunderstand - just because my mind goes on ... my emotions aren't always tied to them.  Some of the things that happen - I detach from.  Yeah, me, I'm learning..... And I'm learning about not taking things personally...   sometimes it just someone's drama - and it has nothing to do with me.  But, the biggest thing is just living in peace.  The peace that grace gives you.  I could blog for what feels like lifetimes about this.  Another time.  

My Mom has been in the hospital in critical care, with double pneumonia.  Momma also has dementia very bad too.  She grew very ill there for a few days, and it was very frightening on one side of my heart - and on the other I was at peace because she is a child of the most High!!!!  My Daddy is waiting for her and so is my grandmother - and her sister.  Her whole family is waiting for her.  So, I wasn't too bereaved with the thought of her going to see Jesus.  Even for this girl with Mommie issues.  I know that the transformation is going to be immense - because of the behavior that needs to go-- that's popping up in the attempt to cope with all of this.  Smoking, shopping, - eating.... I can earnestly say that my human has been active, and my spirit man overwhelmed.  I don't know if my addiction thinks I can stop something by screwing up.... or what?  

The insanity of being an addictive type of personality.  An addictive type personality with a God of the Most High- what's Gina doing? And I certainly don't mean that to even resemble works.  I know that my afflictions are self-imposed.  My Redeemer has paid it all.  The things that I do, I'm choosing.  It has to be that - on some level.  I'm healed. I'm whole, I have no lack.  Whatever it is that trips my trigger and brings on the feelings of dismay are spurned by emotional reactions that need emotional healing.  I'm getting there. 

 Life, love, the ability to respond to things in our  lives comes  by way of emotional programming - if you will.  We grew up a certain way in our families, with rules and roles.  We played them well.  We're still playing them and we don't even know it.  I had that lesson in my last blog when I was enlightened by a friend. I was behaving in such a way that I wasn't even aware of.  I've been told twice by my pastor "patience Gina", "patience".....  This lets me know that Rome wasn't built in a day.  Plus I've heard pastor talk about caterpillars twice also and the metamorphosis that they go through....  Love my pastor. 

I'm transforming.  Again.  And it's okay.  I'm watching it now, I'm aware and I'm trying my best to process through.  I have made some mistakes, I am not perfect - yet I have Christ inside of me - living through me.  I die daily.  The things I wish to do I do not do, the things that I wish to do, I do not.  Apostle Paul said something like that in Philippians.  I think it's Philippians.  If he struggled with his flesh, I guess I do too.  My Lord and Savior still loves me.  He (Jesus) died for sinners - not perfect people.  Yet while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.... I think that's how the scripture goes.  Don't ask me where it's from - because I can't tell you - but I'm pretty sure that it's right.  I'm crawling back inside the word of God again.  It's my only hope.  It's a lamp unto my feet.  I do not have the answers, so I have to find them.  I can't think of single place where one can find more glorious answers than the word of God.  He speaks to me through His word.  I'm learning from the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me.  I've had to "repent" which to us Grace christians means "change your mind" - because of some of my behaviors.  I'm forever thinking as I stated above, alas - this time I want to make lasting changes.  I'm weary of going back to the same old behaviors in times of duress.  

I've realized that I'm trying to do everything by myself.  I know that God is the one that does the work -- I just have to be willing - and in my case stand still.  I don't do this very well.  For some reason, when things go wrong, and they do, I always feel like I have to do something - albeit positive or negative.  Being that I have the tendencies to grab or reach for addictive types of coping skills --- it usually ends up with me in a mess.  How is it that we can learn the same life lesson over and over and over?  I guess we go through it until it sinks in, and we choose different behaviors.  

I'm realizing that this is difficult for me - and it all begins (and ends) with trust.  When the people that were supposed to mean everything to you, fail you --- it leaves an indelible scar. A scar so deep that only Jesus can heal.  On some level I've only had myself to depend upon - since I was a child.  My Dad was there - but even he left for work for two weeks at a time.  I was alone with my Mom who at the time was angry, resentful, jealous, demanding, spiteful -- and downright mean.  She could not be trusted.  I remember this from a very young age.  Living in my home was scary.  I adapted to fear.  I learned to rely on myself, and chemicals to soothe the fear, anxiety, loneliness, abandonment, anger, etc.  Chemicals were the one thing that I could count on.  How very, very sad - on one hand - but on the other, I coped.  My personality didn't split, nor did many of the other horrendous things that could have happened, happen.  Trust me, enough did happen, right under her watch.  

It might seem odd today - but I'm so grateful.  So enormously grateful.  I'm still learning, growing and processing through.  Jesus's is alive inside of me, and showing me things that I'd never had the courage to face before.  I can be alone, and it not be so devastating.  I can monitor my behavior and learn from it -- and watch as God changes me.  I have that willingness today.  My trust is growing.  It takes a lot to recognize that trust is the issue.  It takes a lot to admit it and not worry what others will think about my struggle to trust God.  I can say today that I have a great desire to trust the Lord.  I know how insane that must sound, but it's MY truth.  It doesn't make me love God any less - for He alone knows what I've been through!  

I'm growing.  The holy spirit is revealing things to me everyday as I can assimilate it.  Grace is so amazing and so far reaching that it takes time, study and MUCH contemplation.  I make mistakes, daily.  So does everyone else.  This helps me how?  My perfectionism....  I don't like mistakes.  However, just because I make them doesn't mean I am one.  Everyone fails from time to time.  I know that I'm breaking free (me and Jesus)..... free from the bondage I've been in my whole life.  God has and is showing me so much.  I know now that nothing can separate me from God's love and protection - ever.  Even when I fail.  This is a miracle for me - and yet there is so much more.  Seasons come and seasons go - but the steadfast love of Christ Jesus - is eternal.  

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Kid Fears.....

Never Good Enough.  That one stands out for me like a sharp knife.  Empty.  Crushed.  
These things.... the pain that we hide.  And what it does to us.  Pain has a voice, whether it be distrust, fear, or anger - but believe you me --- it has a voice, and it demands to be heard.  

This song resonates with me so much.  I can see my childhood in it.  My hiding places.  I can feel the fear that I had as a child when I listen to it.  How sad, how truly sad.  I can say that today --- my connection with this is brief, and I can come back up into today's reality --- but I remember the time when I could not.  When fear was my every breath.  This is why I write of transformation ...of healing, and growth, because I've lived it.  I've crossed that great divide and embraced that searing pain.  I know that it is possible to come through it -- I'm living proof.  

I've had the occasion as of late to bristle up with a bit of that pain once again from days of old.  See our journey is a path that we walk, and things along the way - awaken us from time to time to our pain. I'd had a perception about someone that was totally off, and it was out of  my past pain.  The beauty in this is that this person cared enough about me to let me be where I was, and love me through it.  She saw that I was reacting out of pain.   Old pain that didn't fit who I am.  The pain that I carry still in some area's of my life still has a voice.  I don't like this - but we have blind spots at times, fueled by old pain....  and I'm being healed.  Praise God!!!  Oh how God answers prayer...  it totally amazes me.  

My childhood was pretty horrific by some's measuring stick.  It certainly wasn't the "white picket fence" kind of life - albeit we had a white picket fence.  I lived in a house with a very mean and vindictive mother.  She has since my adulthood shared with me that she hated me when I was a child. I knew this intrinsically - and I don't think her and I ever bonded as mother and daughter.  This affected me greatly.  One can only imagine.  My Mother was narcissistic.  It was completely her world and I was in her way.  There were the occasional occasions when I was useful to her, and when I could be utilized at a tool for manipulation.  She taught me well in that area.  However, I did not get love nor nurturing that I so desperately needed and deserved.  It has shaped my life... and made growing up especially difficult for I've sought many a thing to fill up that void.  A void as big as life itself... and then some.  All the while -- thinking there was something wrong with me.  That's what children do, they blame themselves - they don't have the capacity to do anything else rationally.  Their little brains just can't handle any further functioning.  So they become bad, act out, get mean, angry, depressed, and the like.  It's an inward spiral.  It's self-hate.  All because of the lack of love and affection that is so necessary -- and so naturally needed.  So deserved.  And, it wasn't my fault.  I did not know any better.  This is why I clung so to my father.  My only source of love and kindness.  Thank God for my Father.  

Thus is where the addiction began.....  to numb the catastrophic hurt.  My Mother did not love me, and I knew it.  What in the world does a child do with such information?  Turn it inward.  Useless, no good, worthless, never amount to anything.... the voices would take over.  And I had her telling me that I wasn't who and what I should have been told, reinforcing the pain, concretizing my beliefs.  I literally grew up a hull of a human being.  So confused, scared and empty.  The only antidote was to get and stay high.  This was the only time that I didn't feel pain.  The only time that I didn't feel lack.  If I could get high enough.  I had to be pretty high to not feel the amount of pain that I had -- pain of my person hood.  Pain for just being alive.  I had been told that I was a mistake, and trust you me, I felt like one.  That's what my identity seemed to be -- one big mistake - and so I made them in the attempt to be perfect.  If I could be perfect, no one would see how afraid I was, how horribly void I was as a person.  Try being an addict with a case of perfectionism.  It's a nightmare.  Trying to follow rules while high?  It's just down right insane.  So that's how I felt most of the time, and therefore, I never, ever measured up...  to my or anyone's scales.   How could I?  

Jesus has brought me so far.  Praise His holy name.  I am not the person that I used to be.  As I write that and recall -- I see and know that I've been healed so much.   From so much.  I had a break through just the other day with my precious friend.  As much healing as I've done, there's still more pain in there.  Pain that was still affecting my life.  Pain that affected my thinking and how I reacted to someone that is dear to me.  Fear.  As God has been trying to let in light there is still fear.  As much as I think I have peace, God illuminated me.  That's healing.  God used my friend to heal me.  I had to bristle up with the pain again for a bit -- but I'm so much lighter now, like a weight has been lifted off of me.   

What are you holding on to today?  What didn't you get as a child?  And perhaps you were one of the lucky ones that had the Cleavers for parents!  I sure didn't.  However, I'm here to tell you today that God is still in the healing business.  He is still in the miracle business.  I had one just the other day....  it never ceases to amaze me how beautifully God answers prayer.  How lovely the answers come, and how awesome He heals!!!  God was right in the middle of myself and my friend the other day -- and He healed me from the inside out.  He took my yoke.  He relieved a burden that I wasn't even aware that I was carrying.   He opened a door that I didn't even know existed.  It's blocking me from trusting - people and most definitely  God.  I just feel so much lighter in my spirit.  Like a flower that 's bloomed.   

Praise God...One day, there'll be no more rooms with unknown pain in them.  I wholeheartedly believe this.  I love God so much -- and I love my Mom.  I know what she went through as a child, and pain is generational.  What we don't know how to heal we continue.  Forgiveness has meant everything for me.  If it hadn't been for God's amazing mercy and forgiveness I'd not be where I am today - sharing like I do - in healing and in health.  Love is the answer.  Love is always the answer.  Perfect love casts out all fear.... and Jesus is my peace.  He is the author and finisher of my faith, and without Him, I really wouldn't have been able to have did anything.  Not of my own accord.  How precious He is to me.  How He renews and restores my hope.  How beautiful He makes life.  That's what I've done with my Kid fears...............<3