Monday, March 24, 2014

Addiction, character defects, life.

Life is interesting at best.  Managing all the things that need managing is quite the chore.  If a person is able, or willing to admit the difficulty of the process.  And granted I realize that there's folks out there that don't even "get" that life is a process.  I can't really relate to that -but that's just me.  I have multiple levels of awareness going on at different times, and some tell me I'm eccentric.  Heck, I can catch that...  I know that the almighty mind has much more power over me than I really prefer - albeit I am a heart creature.  Balance that one out, it's a challenge personally - truly.

I've run into some defects of character since partnering.  It was inevitable - but disconcerting none the less.  It runs along the vein that I was sharing about a few days ago of there only being things that can be worked out when in relationship.  It wasn't as if I didn't know that I had defects.  Trust me, I've seen many an A.A. meeting and lengthy sobriety talks - and 5 5th steps... and so on.  I'm a deep dweller folks, I cannot help it.  I for the most part, know Gina.

I've however in the last few weeks, surprised myself a little.  I've been living alone so long that I've become so almost robotic.  I'm so used to things being the way I've done them, leaving things like I left it - expectations..... yuck.  The thing about it is it isn't really over anything that matters that much.  It's the things that I've made important to me, personal things.  This makes it harder - and when I ask for them, it's more emotional.  It is just so very interesting (for lack of a better word) how intricate relationships are -- and how deeply things are felt at times, and how different our perspectives can be.  We bring all of our past with us, and neither side has a clean slate to work with or almost a chance to be whom he or she is.  It's sort of sad.  How we do this to each other and don't even recognize that we do it.  Awareness is the key however.  This is where it has to begin!  Man this is all hard work, but it is work that is a hearts journey.

I've been accused of being brutal with the truth in my lifetime.  I know that I have the capacity to do this.  I know that I'm set in my ways and that I expect too much of others mostly because I expect a great deal out of myself.  Hey - I'm a lot better than I used to be... trust me.  I lack the ability to stay in the moment sometimes, and my brain goes haywire --- which I guess makes me the equivalent of a goofball at times.  Quirks.  I got um.  They really get bad under stress too.  Man have we had the stress.  Even good stress is just that to the body --- stress.  An then we got sick.  Of course.

Hopefully all is on the upswing now, if I could just sleep.  No such luck last night.  It's okay, it breeds thought.  Life is good, stressful at times, but good.

Character defects, I don't know anyone that likes theirs.  Mine are truly pretty nasty.  Getting in touch with our inner negative voices usually is not a task that most take on gleefully.  It takes courage and fortitude.  One must have a belief in something greater than they are that they believe in to see them through.  If one truly does face introspection with the negative characteristics of themselves, one needs gentle support and strong foundation - personal strength.  It is not an easy endeavor.  It is however, extremely rewarding - this I tell you from personal experience.  On cannot but come out a changed being, when facing one's darkness.  One needs to but introduce the light into the dark.  Find the positive in the negative, and turn the defect into an asset.  Derive the source of the pain/motive behind the defect and walk through the pain.  Defects are always about pain.  Ironically - most things that impact us in life are about pain.  It's a game changer.

I don't think true change can come without pain.  We have to loose something in order to gain, truly.  It is only through the loss that opens the space for acceptance to the new.  It's that balance in life.  Acceptance, surrender, birth, death..... all of the emotional shifts that take place between the head and the heart, the wonder of our lives if we but allow.  Some choose not to feel because of the dread of pain...but man what they are missing in the long run.  An entire orchestra of emotions....  some so beautiful one cannot even describe.  Life.  How blessed we are, how abundant our lives are without one single possession.

I've kind of been all over in this blog.  I just went where my head and heart took me.  I write the best (I guess) when I do this.  Yes, I have quirks, and yes I do search myself for answers.  Most of the time when I look I find answers.  I guess I'm just an answer finding kind of gal.  I like that about myself.   I fight for the most part, most of my days to stay up and keep going.  Some days I succeed - some I don't.  I try to let life flow... and find a balance.  It really is all about balance.  Peace is always about balance.  This will always be what I seek, regardless of what kind of issues are going on, is peace.

One needs to have peace as their goal when doing emotional work.  Make time for it - in the intricacies of the work, take pause for a peaceful reprieve.  Emotional work is never easy - I avoided it for years with anything and everything inside and outside myself.  Mostly things that I ingested, bought or sought after in my addiction.  I did not want to feel, didn't like it and avoided it at all cost.  My life was like a run away train - headed for disaster.  I hit bottom three different times avoiding life.  That and all the insane behavior of a typical drug induced maniac.  Life was horrible... but the fight becomes the life.  It took for me to loose my dad to really get a grip on my life.  I finally woke up - denial is a horrible malady.  It is so thick a veil... to the alcoholic/addict.  People don't even realize.  Oh, they realize but it seems so impossible that a person so transparent can be so deluded!  But we are!!!! What most people cannot see is that this is the brain's way of protecting it's supply of it's favorite serotonin boosting chemical!  Whatever the chemical may be - even alcohol - the brain gets a pay off.  Denial is there for a reason.  It's a protection mechanism for the disease.  Plain and simple.  The addict/alcoholic isn't just being stubborn or stupid - they actually believe what they are telling you.

I guess I kind of got off the beaten path there... oh well.  I suppose on some level for someone, that needed to be said.  I've let my mind take me in this one.  I hope that in some of what I write about my addiction history that it will help someone.  So often I've heard from spouses of alcoholics/addicts, "If you loved me, you would stop!" This just has nothing to do with the disease.  It has nothing to do with a choice -- and that is what you're asking.  It has nothing to do with love and that's what you're comparing it to.  Addiction is a compulsion - if it were merely a thought before an action - which provides choice - it would not be an addiction.  Do addicts choose sometimes?  Sure - but sometimes we can't.   This is what most people don't understand.  Freedom of choice -- chemicals just do different things to us then they do the average person.  I believe they feel better to us.  We get higher, if you will.  I believe the receptor sites in my brain are different than a non-addict.  I believe that I'm "hardwired" to loose control.  That's just my silly belief - but mine none the less.

Hopefully this will speak to someone.  Do the emotional work.  Find somewhere inside that there is peace and cherish it -- hold on for dear life to it.  Love who you love, and love them big as you know how.  Most addicts are highly creative beings, we've had to be to obtain our drugs.  We do selfish things, and we're short sighed at times... some of us get well.  Don't allow anyone to hurt you on purpose... always remove yourself from that persons path.  What works best with a person that is addicted?  Intervention... of some kind.  They have to be removed from the environment.  I suggest professional help if the person is willing.  Willingness is the key to recovery.  Even the tinniest bit.  Recovery is hard - don't let anyone tell you different - it takes guts and glory.  It is as I say, difficult but not impossible.  Find something that you believe in and believe in it with all your heart.  It's all uphill from there.  I say that because it's a spiritual solution, always is.  Heart needs mending.  The mind has to be healed as well.  Rerouted - away from believing it's only solution is a way out -- which means more drugs.  Coping skills.  Most addicts are adept at manipulation, dishonesty, and aversion -- but being brutally honest?  Forget it.  They have to be taught how to be honest, and some of them, how to begin to be honest with themselves.  It's no simple feat.

I could go on but I won't -- I'm sure I lost several people by now.  I've been all over the place -- but have written as it's tumbled out of me.  I'm still working on myself, I do it everyday - and I stay conscious.  It's not the easiest way to live but it's rewarding.  Life is rich.  I'd much rather be alive and feel the bumps.....

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