Monday, May 26, 2014

Painful Awakenings

I love people.  I've loved people.  My friends have been my life - mostly because my family is broken.  That is the best way that I know how to put it.  It nearly broke me.  Some how I survived - and now I wonder to what end.... and I fully know that is just my emotional pain talking.  I am so hurt, devastated really - that I cannot full express myself.  

What I'm going through now is horrendous.  I don't want to get into the details, because I did that in my last blog.  The part that has broken my heart is my "so called" friends.  With exception of a few - it seems people can't be bothered.  I knew that people were mostly (and I'm putting that mildly) self consumed - but never in my  life would I have imagined to what end.  Thus, I realize the answer to all of this is acceptance - it isn't as if I don't understand the antidote.  I do - but what does one do with the pain that goes along with the process?  

We need each other.  That's just a fact.  God did not place us here to be islands.  Albeit - it appears that the world (at least my little world) is more and more "dog eat dog."  I so dislike that analogy.  It clamors everybody for themselves, and screw one another.  Yet, this is what I'm finding - and this is what IS the reality in my current residence.  

I have been very naive.  I've been a person that trusts until given a reason not to.  Yet, this has to change - and this requires an alteration in my personhood.  These kinds of internal shifts are not easy.  It's breaking my heart.  The fact that not one person has stood up and proclaimed to be as dedicated to me as I've been them - I've always been them - is earth shattering to me.  It's like a tear in my consciousness.  I don't quite know how to feel or how to respond.  One minute I'm angry - and the next crying my eyes out.  In reality, I suppose I "should" (oh how I dislike that word) have known.  But I thought those that I care about, cared about me!  Ah, but I was wrong.  They won't even answer their phones.......  

If people can't even be bothered to talk, then I've invested in the wrong people.  Or is it that?  Or is it that this world is just such a place now that no one cares about anyone but themselves?  I've helped countless people, and in my work - I've dispensed more hope than I have now myself.  People talk about Karma.  I don't personally believe in it because I'm christian.  Christians (well myself anyway - don't really want bad things to come around to those that deserve it)  aren't supposed to desire harm upon others.  For while we were yet sinners, Jesus died for us.  The idea that "what goes around, comes around" just doesn't jive with me.  Of course, I'm human and I have those thoughts, but when it comes down to it -I pray for my enemies.  It's easy to love good people.  What's hard is loving difficult people. That's what the bible says though - and I wouldn't be any kind of christian if I don't embrace it all.  

I know that this is a gigantic learning experience.  It is just that what I'm learning is so damn painful.  People don't care.  People won't help.  They can't even be bothered to answer their phones.  How pathetic.  I have been there for so many people, and listened and listened and listened more.  I've helped people any way I know  how.  I've given to people out of my lack.  This doesn't make me a saint, and I'm not yanking my own chain - in the least - but I'll assure you of one thing, I'm a much better friend by far than what is being  portrayed to me right now.  And it hurts...  

My challenge is to not let it break my spirit.  I have to keep going.  However, things are going to be much different from now on.  Part of me should have known better.  As much as I'd like to - people cannot be relied upon.  That's just fact.  Say all you want about the "human spirit" --- but I don't buy it.  Not anymore.  People are consumed with their little plans and designs - wants, desires, dreams, and notions.  And it doesn't concern YOU.  If they need help, well it's a different story - but as far as I'm concerned - good luck...  I'm down.  I'm about as down as I've been in a long time.  The line of kindness and compassion is pretty vacant.  

No one knows or cares for that matter that I'm in so much physical pain that I can't barely walk from packing and lifting boxes.  No one knows that I'm living with someone that won't even talk to me.  No one knows that I've been stolen from.  I'm as close to homelessness as I can be.  With a 13 y/o dog.  The electricity is about to be turned off because the bill hasn't been paid - and I'm going to loose what food I do have.  No, it's not my bill - I've been paying it for the last three months and I'm not doing it anymore.  But, I guess - that's my drama.  What I can't take are the lies.  The never ending lies.  Lies from someone that said they loved me.  If that doesn't hurt your heart, I don't know what would.  

So, I forge ahead.  Basically alone.  Me and God.  There is a reason that this is happening.  There always is.  My eyes are wide open.  God will not forsake me as people have, and I claim that in Jesus name.  He is making a way where there is none, He is my comforter in this debacle.  If not for Him, I honestly do not know.... depression is looming so near - and it's so vast.  But just like the phoenix - I will arise from these ashes.  I will overcome this, with or without my friends help.  There are agencies out there - just for people like me.  People that the world doesn't give a shit about.  Despite my contributions to life, reality is slapping me in the face - on both sides.  I refuse to say it's what I deserve - because it's just not the truth.  I've been good to people, and I will continue.  That's who I am.  Regardless of what's being said in untruth about me.  Truth always surfaces.  It's doing it now, and I'm waking up.  It just hurts like hell.  But I have a comforter, He resides inside of me.  I don't have to call Him, and pray for Him to answer.  He knows my heart is broken over mankind.  His was too.  He still believed in us enough to give His life.  That's some heart.  That I trust, and not much else.  

Glory be to God in the highest ~ I praise You in this storm.  Lord, mend my broken heart, as only You can do.  I will walk in Your will, and You will deliver me.  Amen.


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