I measure depression like a water level on the body. Most times I have the coping skills to make the water recede. These days, it's just not working. I've tried all of my resources - but even my most trusted resource has failed me. I really am uncertain as to what to do at this juncture of my life. It feels like the level of the water is at my throat - and encroaching my mouth and nose. I feel as if I'm barely breathing. I literally do not know what to do. Each and every choice that I could make brings more consequences, or more pain - physically, emotionally and mentally. I feel absolutely stuck. Stuck in a mire of muck and I cannot even cry. If I cannot cry I cannot heal.
Sometimes we don't understand why things happen in life. This is seriously one of those times in my life. Yet again, I've made decisions that have brought me here to one degree or another. I had a bit of help, but I'm not into the blame game. Ultimately, I am going to be the one that's going to have to get myself out of this mess. I've created it, I've got to fix it. Of course not withstanding - God and I. I'm not in this alone, even though it sure feels like it right now. I know that God can take this mess and make a miracle. I've seen it happen.
And so it did.
The light is flickering through. My circumstances at this point are still the same, but I had a shining light - and it began with a new friend. She's everything that I could have hoped for in a human - and then some. God knew - and he set her in my path. I'm humbled, honored, and my hope is restored. For the first time, I have a friend who's heart is as big as mine - and it feels absolutely amazing. What glorious gift from God. She's opened up her life to me, and for me and I am humbled at her trust. I will not forsake it. I will treasure it like the gift that it is.
We've found an apartment that is more suitable (and livable) than the one that I have now. It's downright adorable. We've dug up tree's and replanted. I've planted flowers. We've watched birds, and gloriously held our breath as humming birds drank nectar. All of the things that I love to do - we share. It's almost like a kinship. It's restored my faith in mankind. I've felt the love of God through her. I so needed that.
So the transformation begins. I can't wait to see what's on the other side. I believe today. As much as I've been through, and know that it's not over yet.... there is still hard work coming - it will all be okay. It will be better than okay. It will be a joy with the hope back in my heart. My soul can sing again. Hope has been restored.
I'd prayed - even when I could not pray -- I'd just ask the Lord to listen to what my heart was saying that I couldn't utter. Sometimes I'd just speak Jesus's name, it was all that I could do. He knows my heart like no other, and knows exactly what I need. From out of no where, the beautiful human emerged. A human with a heart pure and true. Her presence has taught me to laugh again, to see awe again. To witness the wonder and inspiration of life.
When we close doors to the past, and accept that there's healing that needs to be done - new doors open. In my case they swung open with vivid intent. The storm was awful, but just on the other side of the clouds my answer awaited. It's all about trusting God's precious timing. Being still and KNOWING the He is God. He is a God of the possible - even when there seems to be no way out. I think God must love these opportunities to bless us, and it is in that surprise that the true value of life flows.
I don't have everything I need, nor do I have many of the things that I might want. Even circumstances are less than favorable. Yet I've been given a candle to light my path. Illumination is such a precious gift.
Just when it looks like your about to be unable to escape the rise of the waters of depression. Hold on. Change is coming. Trust it. Trust your process, and embrace your path. If we but have faith - and continue to move forward -- even when we think that we cannot believe, we must. We must step out into faith. We must keep striving for the goodness in life that we know exists.
The bottom line is: God answers prayer --- Even when we can't pray..... I'm a living, breathing example. We do not know how He will answer, but that is not up to us. Therein lies the beauty. The magnificence of it. When you begin to believe in miracles, you begin to see them at work in your life. Sometimes a miracle can be merely a change in your perception/thinking. And sometimes there the big ones. It depends on what you need, for God supplies our need - and He sustains us. I'd lost sight of that. That was devastating for me. God knew.
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