Saturday, August 23, 2014

Kid Fears.....

Never Good Enough.  That one stands out for me like a sharp knife.  Empty.  Crushed.  
These things.... the pain that we hide.  And what it does to us.  Pain has a voice, whether it be distrust, fear, or anger - but believe you me --- it has a voice, and it demands to be heard.  

This song resonates with me so much.  I can see my childhood in it.  My hiding places.  I can feel the fear that I had as a child when I listen to it.  How sad, how truly sad.  I can say that today --- my connection with this is brief, and I can come back up into today's reality --- but I remember the time when I could not.  When fear was my every breath.  This is why I write of transformation ...of healing, and growth, because I've lived it.  I've crossed that great divide and embraced that searing pain.  I know that it is possible to come through it -- I'm living proof.  

I've had the occasion as of late to bristle up with a bit of that pain once again from days of old.  See our journey is a path that we walk, and things along the way - awaken us from time to time to our pain. I'd had a perception about someone that was totally off, and it was out of  my past pain.  The beauty in this is that this person cared enough about me to let me be where I was, and love me through it.  She saw that I was reacting out of pain.   Old pain that didn't fit who I am.  The pain that I carry still in some area's of my life still has a voice.  I don't like this - but we have blind spots at times, fueled by old pain....  and I'm being healed.  Praise God!!!  Oh how God answers prayer...  it totally amazes me.  

My childhood was pretty horrific by some's measuring stick.  It certainly wasn't the "white picket fence" kind of life - albeit we had a white picket fence.  I lived in a house with a very mean and vindictive mother.  She has since my adulthood shared with me that she hated me when I was a child. I knew this intrinsically - and I don't think her and I ever bonded as mother and daughter.  This affected me greatly.  One can only imagine.  My Mother was narcissistic.  It was completely her world and I was in her way.  There were the occasional occasions when I was useful to her, and when I could be utilized at a tool for manipulation.  She taught me well in that area.  However, I did not get love nor nurturing that I so desperately needed and deserved.  It has shaped my life... and made growing up especially difficult for I've sought many a thing to fill up that void.  A void as big as life itself... and then some.  All the while -- thinking there was something wrong with me.  That's what children do, they blame themselves - they don't have the capacity to do anything else rationally.  Their little brains just can't handle any further functioning.  So they become bad, act out, get mean, angry, depressed, and the like.  It's an inward spiral.  It's self-hate.  All because of the lack of love and affection that is so necessary -- and so naturally needed.  So deserved.  And, it wasn't my fault.  I did not know any better.  This is why I clung so to my father.  My only source of love and kindness.  Thank God for my Father.  

Thus is where the addiction began.....  to numb the catastrophic hurt.  My Mother did not love me, and I knew it.  What in the world does a child do with such information?  Turn it inward.  Useless, no good, worthless, never amount to anything.... the voices would take over.  And I had her telling me that I wasn't who and what I should have been told, reinforcing the pain, concretizing my beliefs.  I literally grew up a hull of a human being.  So confused, scared and empty.  The only antidote was to get and stay high.  This was the only time that I didn't feel pain.  The only time that I didn't feel lack.  If I could get high enough.  I had to be pretty high to not feel the amount of pain that I had -- pain of my person hood.  Pain for just being alive.  I had been told that I was a mistake, and trust you me, I felt like one.  That's what my identity seemed to be -- one big mistake - and so I made them in the attempt to be perfect.  If I could be perfect, no one would see how afraid I was, how horribly void I was as a person.  Try being an addict with a case of perfectionism.  It's a nightmare.  Trying to follow rules while high?  It's just down right insane.  So that's how I felt most of the time, and therefore, I never, ever measured up...  to my or anyone's scales.   How could I?  

Jesus has brought me so far.  Praise His holy name.  I am not the person that I used to be.  As I write that and recall -- I see and know that I've been healed so much.   From so much.  I had a break through just the other day with my precious friend.  As much healing as I've done, there's still more pain in there.  Pain that was still affecting my life.  Pain that affected my thinking and how I reacted to someone that is dear to me.  Fear.  As God has been trying to let in light there is still fear.  As much as I think I have peace, God illuminated me.  That's healing.  God used my friend to heal me.  I had to bristle up with the pain again for a bit -- but I'm so much lighter now, like a weight has been lifted off of me.   

What are you holding on to today?  What didn't you get as a child?  And perhaps you were one of the lucky ones that had the Cleavers for parents!  I sure didn't.  However, I'm here to tell you today that God is still in the healing business.  He is still in the miracle business.  I had one just the other day....  it never ceases to amaze me how beautifully God answers prayer.  How lovely the answers come, and how awesome He heals!!!  God was right in the middle of myself and my friend the other day -- and He healed me from the inside out.  He took my yoke.  He relieved a burden that I wasn't even aware that I was carrying.   He opened a door that I didn't even know existed.  It's blocking me from trusting - people and most definitely  God.  I just feel so much lighter in my spirit.  Like a flower that 's bloomed.   

Praise God...One day, there'll be no more rooms with unknown pain in them.  I wholeheartedly believe this.  I love God so much -- and I love my Mom.  I know what she went through as a child, and pain is generational.  What we don't know how to heal we continue.  Forgiveness has meant everything for me.  If it hadn't been for God's amazing mercy and forgiveness I'd not be where I am today - sharing like I do - in healing and in health.  Love is the answer.  Love is always the answer.  Perfect love casts out all fear.... and Jesus is my peace.  He is the author and finisher of my faith, and without Him, I really wouldn't have been able to have did anything.  Not of my own accord.  How precious He is to me.  How He renews and restores my hope.  How beautiful He makes life.  That's what I've done with my Kid fears...............<3

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