That isn't what I want to write about however. I've been doing a great deal of soul searching as of late. My last entry spoke of my problems with spending - and my other negative, addictive behaviors - those things that I do under high stress. I have had, and usually do have, consequences. It's only natural. I won't say that I like it, but I do accept it as a direct result of my behaviors. I'd gained weight, from my excessive eating. Not a lot of weight, but add that to the weight that I'd gained prior and to me, it's just intolerable. I'm not, but I feel like a whale. I just get angry with myself - but that doesn't really solve anything, now does it?
I had a day where I was just so sad and confused by it all - lately. I did a grand bit of thinking and processing. I've deduced that much of what I struggle with, if not all, is loneliness. Flat out loneliness. Not some earth shattering unknown complicated fact or emotion, I am just SO tired of being alone. Day after day - I'm alone.
My thoughts today after rereading, "The Four Agreements." by Don Miguel Ruiz -- are that I have to let these dreams that I have in my head die. Mr. Ruiz, if you haven't read his book, I would highly recommend it - shares that we all have these dreams in our heads of what and how we want things to go in our lives. Our dreams can be quite elaborate, and we can get quite attached to them. All of us have them. Some of us, most of us have them from childhood. Girls dream of getting married and having kids - or going off to college -- things such as that. It's the detailed drama's that we plan in our heads. We feed them everyday --- we call it "our future".
Even at 52, I still dream of finding a husband and being married again. Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having or wanting things...don't get me wrong here. What I'm saying is that this is causing me distress. This longing, this void is a belief that I've made a conclusive reality. I've made it into something that defines me. I'll look at couples and think, "she has someone - why don't I?" Like there is something wrong with me. And I'm not always looking at the person lovingly!!! It's a comparison game. I thought I'd stopped doing that! Guess not, not when it comes to my being all alone. I allow, (and the formidable word here is "allow") myself to suffer because of it. There are times that I get so upset that I cry like a baby over it. Now I know being alone is difficult at times. I know that wanting companionship is normal.... I know all of those things. However, my allowing myself to suffer because of it -- well, now that's a choice. I believe it is, anyway.
If I can build that dream, I can let it go.
I can't say that this will be easy. I cannot say that this won't be painful. I'm in pain from it anyway - and I'm tired of it running my life. I'm tired of it telling me that I'm not enough, and that I don't measure up. There will be aspects of it that will be freeing, and aspects of it that will take much thought. I'm tired of it feeding my addiction. I want to break that cycle, once and for all --- for I believe wholeheartedly that the holy spirit spoke this truth to me. It is a change in mindset, a new perspective. I've been so afraid of being alone -- and the truth is that I am alone and I'm okay. God has been with me through out my life, and I don't see this changing. I see that increasing. So piece by piece, bit by bit, I'll let it go. No more looking at wedding dresses, or rings - veils - or the like. Why do I put myself through such sorrow? It's insane. It's only a dream.
Change. It's a beautiful thing. I thank God for the mind that He gave me, for my life thus far. I thank Him ahead of time, for what HE has in store. I don't know, and that is really okay. Jeremiah 25:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And with that, I'm letting go.....