Saturday, September 20, 2014

Letting Go.

I've several things going on in my life right now.  My mother is ill, and has been in the hospital with double pneumonia - among other things.  She is back in the nursing home now, but I have been unable to go and see her - she is several miles away.  My car is in need of repair, and I'm driving it gingerly.  A part for the car had to be ordered that will not come in until Tuesday of next week, then I can get it repaired.  I have to pray to not feel guilty, anxious, and distressed about not being able to go and see my mom - because they almost let her die in that nursing home.  I realize that my feeling any number of those feelings doesn't change anything --- but tell that to my heart.  (sigh).   If it weren't for my God and the peace that He has bestowed to me, I think I'd be a basket case right now.  I know that I would be.  There just isn't anything that I can do about this situation, it is unsafe for me to travel that far - and it is quite a ways, so I have to let it go.  I have no choice.  It and my mother's condition is in God's fully capable hands.

That isn't what I want to write about however.  I've been doing a great deal of soul searching as of late.  My last entry spoke of my problems with spending - and my other negative, addictive behaviors - those things that I do under high stress.  I have had, and usually do have, consequences.  It's only natural.  I won't say that I like it, but I do accept it as a direct result of my behaviors.  I'd gained weight, from my excessive eating.  Not a lot of weight, but add that to the weight that I'd gained prior and to me, it's just intolerable.  I'm not, but I feel like a whale.  I just get angry with myself - but that doesn't really solve anything, now does it?

I had a day where I was just so sad and confused by it all - lately.  I did a grand bit of thinking and processing.  I've deduced that much of what I struggle with, if not all, is loneliness.  Flat out loneliness.  Not some earth shattering unknown complicated fact or emotion, I am just SO tired of being alone.  Day after day - I'm alone.

My thoughts today after rereading, "The Four Agreements." by Don Miguel Ruiz -- are that I have to let these dreams that I have in my head die.  Mr. Ruiz, if you haven't read his book, I would highly recommend it - shares that we all have these dreams in our heads of what and how we want things to go in our lives.  Our dreams can be quite elaborate, and we can get quite attached to them.  All of us have them.  Some of us, most of us have them from childhood.  Girls dream of getting married and having kids - or going off to college -- things such as that.  It's the detailed drama's that we plan in our heads.  We feed them everyday --- we call it "our future".

Even at 52, I still dream of finding a husband and being married again.   Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having or wanting things...don't get me wrong here.  What I'm saying is that this is causing me distress.  This longing, this void is a belief that I've made a conclusive reality.  I've made it into something that defines me.  I'll look at couples and think, "she has someone - why don't I?"  Like there is something wrong with me.   And I'm not always looking at the person lovingly!!!  It's a comparison game.  I thought I'd stopped doing that!  Guess not, not when it comes to my being all alone.  I allow, (and the formidable word here is "allow") myself to suffer because of it.  There are times that I get so upset that I cry like a baby over it.  Now I know being alone is difficult at times.  I know that wanting companionship is normal.... I know all of those things.  However, my allowing myself to suffer because of it -- well, now that's a choice.  I believe it is, anyway.

If I can build that dream, I can let it go.

I can't say that this will be easy.  I cannot say that this won't be painful.  I'm in pain from it anyway - and I'm tired of it running my life.  I'm tired of it telling me that I'm not enough, and that I don't measure up.  There will be aspects of it that will be freeing, and aspects of it that will take much thought.  I'm tired of it feeding my addiction.  I want to break that cycle, once and for all --- for I believe wholeheartedly that the holy spirit spoke this truth to me.  It is a change in mindset, a new perspective.  I've been so afraid of being alone -- and the truth is that I am alone and I'm okay.  God has been with me through out my life, and I don't see this changing.  I see that increasing.  So piece by piece, bit by bit, I'll let it go.  No more looking at wedding dresses, or rings - veils - or the like.  Why do I put myself through such sorrow?  It's insane.  It's only a dream.

Change.  It's a beautiful thing.  I thank God for the mind that He gave me, for my life thus far.  I thank Him ahead of time, for what HE has in store.  I don't know, and that is really okay.  Jeremiah 25:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  And with that, I'm letting go.....

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Seasons of life.

I'm not actually sure where to start when it comes to the things that have transpired in my life - since I've last written.  It seems I struggle, and then rise above it, and then struggle again.  Some of it (probably more that I like to admit) is self-imposed - through mental and emotional torture.  If I only had some sort of magic formula to turn off this thought generator in my head.  It's a lot a kin to a percolator - steady going at it with the expulsion of thought.  I so often just wish it would shut down.  However, don't misunderstand - just because my mind goes on ... my emotions aren't always tied to them.  Some of the things that happen - I detach from.  Yeah, me, I'm learning..... And I'm learning about not taking things personally...   sometimes it just someone's drama - and it has nothing to do with me.  But, the biggest thing is just living in peace.  The peace that grace gives you.  I could blog for what feels like lifetimes about this.  Another time.  

My Mom has been in the hospital in critical care, with double pneumonia.  Momma also has dementia very bad too.  She grew very ill there for a few days, and it was very frightening on one side of my heart - and on the other I was at peace because she is a child of the most High!!!!  My Daddy is waiting for her and so is my grandmother - and her sister.  Her whole family is waiting for her.  So, I wasn't too bereaved with the thought of her going to see Jesus.  Even for this girl with Mommie issues.  I know that the transformation is going to be immense - because of the behavior that needs to go-- that's popping up in the attempt to cope with all of this.  Smoking, shopping, - eating.... I can earnestly say that my human has been active, and my spirit man overwhelmed.  I don't know if my addiction thinks I can stop something by screwing up.... or what?  

The insanity of being an addictive type of personality.  An addictive type personality with a God of the Most High- what's Gina doing? And I certainly don't mean that to even resemble works.  I know that my afflictions are self-imposed.  My Redeemer has paid it all.  The things that I do, I'm choosing.  It has to be that - on some level.  I'm healed. I'm whole, I have no lack.  Whatever it is that trips my trigger and brings on the feelings of dismay are spurned by emotional reactions that need emotional healing.  I'm getting there. 

 Life, love, the ability to respond to things in our  lives comes  by way of emotional programming - if you will.  We grew up a certain way in our families, with rules and roles.  We played them well.  We're still playing them and we don't even know it.  I had that lesson in my last blog when I was enlightened by a friend. I was behaving in such a way that I wasn't even aware of.  I've been told twice by my pastor "patience Gina", "patience".....  This lets me know that Rome wasn't built in a day.  Plus I've heard pastor talk about caterpillars twice also and the metamorphosis that they go through....  Love my pastor. 

I'm transforming.  Again.  And it's okay.  I'm watching it now, I'm aware and I'm trying my best to process through.  I have made some mistakes, I am not perfect - yet I have Christ inside of me - living through me.  I die daily.  The things I wish to do I do not do, the things that I wish to do, I do not.  Apostle Paul said something like that in Philippians.  I think it's Philippians.  If he struggled with his flesh, I guess I do too.  My Lord and Savior still loves me.  He (Jesus) died for sinners - not perfect people.  Yet while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.... I think that's how the scripture goes.  Don't ask me where it's from - because I can't tell you - but I'm pretty sure that it's right.  I'm crawling back inside the word of God again.  It's my only hope.  It's a lamp unto my feet.  I do not have the answers, so I have to find them.  I can't think of single place where one can find more glorious answers than the word of God.  He speaks to me through His word.  I'm learning from the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me.  I've had to "repent" which to us Grace christians means "change your mind" - because of some of my behaviors.  I'm forever thinking as I stated above, alas - this time I want to make lasting changes.  I'm weary of going back to the same old behaviors in times of duress.  

I've realized that I'm trying to do everything by myself.  I know that God is the one that does the work -- I just have to be willing - and in my case stand still.  I don't do this very well.  For some reason, when things go wrong, and they do, I always feel like I have to do something - albeit positive or negative.  Being that I have the tendencies to grab or reach for addictive types of coping skills --- it usually ends up with me in a mess.  How is it that we can learn the same life lesson over and over and over?  I guess we go through it until it sinks in, and we choose different behaviors.  

I'm realizing that this is difficult for me - and it all begins (and ends) with trust.  When the people that were supposed to mean everything to you, fail you --- it leaves an indelible scar. A scar so deep that only Jesus can heal.  On some level I've only had myself to depend upon - since I was a child.  My Dad was there - but even he left for work for two weeks at a time.  I was alone with my Mom who at the time was angry, resentful, jealous, demanding, spiteful -- and downright mean.  She could not be trusted.  I remember this from a very young age.  Living in my home was scary.  I adapted to fear.  I learned to rely on myself, and chemicals to soothe the fear, anxiety, loneliness, abandonment, anger, etc.  Chemicals were the one thing that I could count on.  How very, very sad - on one hand - but on the other, I coped.  My personality didn't split, nor did many of the other horrendous things that could have happened, happen.  Trust me, enough did happen, right under her watch.  

It might seem odd today - but I'm so grateful.  So enormously grateful.  I'm still learning, growing and processing through.  Jesus's is alive inside of me, and showing me things that I'd never had the courage to face before.  I can be alone, and it not be so devastating.  I can monitor my behavior and learn from it -- and watch as God changes me.  I have that willingness today.  My trust is growing.  It takes a lot to recognize that trust is the issue.  It takes a lot to admit it and not worry what others will think about my struggle to trust God.  I can say today that I have a great desire to trust the Lord.  I know how insane that must sound, but it's MY truth.  It doesn't make me love God any less - for He alone knows what I've been through!  

I'm growing.  The holy spirit is revealing things to me everyday as I can assimilate it.  Grace is so amazing and so far reaching that it takes time, study and MUCH contemplation.  I make mistakes, daily.  So does everyone else.  This helps me how?  My perfectionism....  I don't like mistakes.  However, just because I make them doesn't mean I am one.  Everyone fails from time to time.  I know that I'm breaking free (me and Jesus)..... free from the bondage I've been in my whole life.  God has and is showing me so much.  I know now that nothing can separate me from God's love and protection - ever.  Even when I fail.  This is a miracle for me - and yet there is so much more.  Seasons come and seasons go - but the steadfast love of Christ Jesus - is eternal.