My Mom has been in the hospital in critical care, with double pneumonia. Momma also has dementia very bad too. She grew very ill there for a few days, and it was very frightening on one side of my heart - and on the other I was at peace because she is a child of the most High!!!! My Daddy is waiting for her and so is my grandmother - and her sister. Her whole family is waiting for her. So, I wasn't too bereaved with the thought of her going to see Jesus. Even for this girl with Mommie issues. I know that the transformation is going to be immense - because of the behavior that needs to go-- that's popping up in the attempt to cope with all of this. Smoking, shopping, - eating.... I can earnestly say that my human has been active, and my spirit man overwhelmed. I don't know if my addiction thinks I can stop something by screwing up.... or what?
The insanity of being an addictive type of personality. An addictive type personality with a God of the Most High- what's Gina doing? And I certainly don't mean that to even resemble works. I know that my afflictions are self-imposed. My Redeemer has paid it all. The things that I do, I'm choosing. It has to be that - on some level. I'm healed. I'm whole, I have no lack. Whatever it is that trips my trigger and brings on the feelings of dismay are spurned by emotional reactions that need emotional healing. I'm getting there.
Life, love, the ability to respond to things in our lives comes by way of emotional programming - if you will. We grew up a certain way in our families, with rules and roles. We played them well. We're still playing them and we don't even know it. I had that lesson in my last blog when I was enlightened by a friend. I was behaving in such a way that I wasn't even aware of. I've been told twice by my pastor "patience Gina", "patience"..... This lets me know that Rome wasn't built in a day. Plus I've heard pastor talk about caterpillars twice also and the metamorphosis that they go through.... Love my pastor.
I'm transforming. Again. And it's okay. I'm watching it now, I'm aware and I'm trying my best to process through. I have made some mistakes, I am not perfect - yet I have Christ inside of me - living through me. I die daily. The things I wish to do I do not do, the things that I wish to do, I do not. Apostle Paul said something like that in Philippians. I think it's Philippians. If he struggled with his flesh, I guess I do too. My Lord and Savior still loves me. He (Jesus) died for sinners - not perfect people. Yet while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.... I think that's how the scripture goes. Don't ask me where it's from - because I can't tell you - but I'm pretty sure that it's right. I'm crawling back inside the word of God again. It's my only hope. It's a lamp unto my feet. I do not have the answers, so I have to find them. I can't think of single place where one can find more glorious answers than the word of God. He speaks to me through His word. I'm learning from the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me. I've had to "repent" which to us Grace christians means "change your mind" - because of some of my behaviors. I'm forever thinking as I stated above, alas - this time I want to make lasting changes. I'm weary of going back to the same old behaviors in times of duress.
I've realized that I'm trying to do everything by myself. I know that God is the one that does the work -- I just have to be willing - and in my case stand still. I don't do this very well. For some reason, when things go wrong, and they do, I always feel like I have to do something - albeit positive or negative. Being that I have the tendencies to grab or reach for addictive types of coping skills --- it usually ends up with me in a mess. How is it that we can learn the same life lesson over and over and over? I guess we go through it until it sinks in, and we choose different behaviors.
I'm realizing that this is difficult for me - and it all begins (and ends) with trust. When the people that were supposed to mean everything to you, fail you --- it leaves an indelible scar. A scar so deep that only Jesus can heal. On some level I've only had myself to depend upon - since I was a child. My Dad was there - but even he left for work for two weeks at a time. I was alone with my Mom who at the time was angry, resentful, jealous, demanding, spiteful -- and downright mean. She could not be trusted. I remember this from a very young age. Living in my home was scary. I adapted to fear. I learned to rely on myself, and chemicals to soothe the fear, anxiety, loneliness, abandonment, anger, etc. Chemicals were the one thing that I could count on. How very, very sad - on one hand - but on the other, I coped. My personality didn't split, nor did many of the other horrendous things that could have happened, happen. Trust me, enough did happen, right under her watch.
It might seem odd today - but I'm so grateful. So enormously grateful. I'm still learning, growing and processing through. Jesus's is alive inside of me, and showing me things that I'd never had the courage to face before. I can be alone, and it not be so devastating. I can monitor my behavior and learn from it -- and watch as God changes me. I have that willingness today. My trust is growing. It takes a lot to recognize that trust is the issue. It takes a lot to admit it and not worry what others will think about my struggle to trust God. I can say today that I have a great desire to trust the Lord. I know how insane that must sound, but it's MY truth. It doesn't make me love God any less - for He alone knows what I've been through!
I'm growing. The holy spirit is revealing things to me everyday as I can assimilate it. Grace is so amazing and so far reaching that it takes time, study and MUCH contemplation. I make mistakes, daily. So does everyone else. This helps me how? My perfectionism.... I don't like mistakes. However, just because I make them doesn't mean I am one. Everyone fails from time to time. I know that I'm breaking free (me and Jesus)..... free from the bondage I've been in my whole life. God has and is showing me so much. I know now that nothing can separate me from God's love and protection - ever. Even when I fail. This is a miracle for me - and yet there is so much more. Seasons come and seasons go - but the steadfast love of Christ Jesus - is eternal.