This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace. I've always felt so vulnerable in the world. Like something was missing. Something was missing, my Father was gone. I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father. Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.
Love for me, was a double edged sword. It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful. My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs. I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed. This stayed with me into adulthood. I've been facing these issues. I've been battling these issues my entire life. Because of this - I couldn't fully trust - not people and especially not God. This hurt me deeply. It seemed impossible for me to overcome this. I knew intrinsically she did not love me, despite what came out of her mouth.
How I became a person with such high hopes, I'll never know. My father's unconditional love and constant praise saved me. My grandmother and my father were the source of love that literally saved my life. If not for them, I really would hate to ponder where I'd be -- if I'd be alive today. I was a hull of a person up until my mid 20''s as it was - barren of personhood. I had no goals, no real sense of who I was, nor any idea how to find myself. I just existed. My life was a series of negative, risky behaviors to try to elevate pain or fill up the enormous hole in my gut. I tried filling it with anything and everything that seemed like it might be better than the shame and devastation that I felt. Life or I just did not matter. How could it? I'd not mattered to one of the most important people in my life, my mom. The really sad part was that I loved her so. All I ever wanted was her time, attention, love, and approval.
What a miracle it is for me to not need her. What a miracle it is that I'm okay. That I'm better than okay. That I don't have to fill that hole with anything any longer. That there is no hole anymore. That I'm whole now. Praise God. I can be alone and not lonely. I can be alone and enjoy it, enjoy my company.
It's okay that my journey has taken me thus far. It's been an incredible journey. God's been right here the whole time. As I look back, God and only God has gotten me through. It's okay that I need God. This is a reliance that is healthy. I've a healthy relationship with God.