Saturday, November 15, 2014

Vulnerable no more.

I never though I'd be  able to say that.  How glorious it is to be at peace.  How delicious it is to be at rest.  The kind of rest that only the Father can give.  The kind of joy that only His mercy can provide. Mercy that I don't deserve, but that He freely gives, even to a once broken child like myself.

This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace.  I've always felt so vulnerable in the world.  Like something was missing.  Something was missing, my Father was gone.  I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father.  Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.

Love for me, was a double edged sword.  It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful.  My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs.  I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed.  This stayed with me into adulthood.  I've been facing these issues.  I've been battling these issues my entire life.  Because of this - I couldn't fully trust - not people and especially not God.  This hurt me deeply.  It seemed impossible for me to overcome this.  I knew intrinsically she did not love me, despite what came out of her mouth.

How I became a person with such high hopes, I'll never know.   My father's unconditional love and constant praise saved me.  My grandmother and my father were the source of love that literally saved my life.  If not for them, I really would hate to ponder where I'd be -- if I'd be alive today.  I was a hull of a person up until my mid 20''s as it was - barren of personhood.  I had no goals, no real sense of who I was, nor any idea how to find myself.  I just existed.  My life was a series of negative, risky  behaviors to try to elevate pain or fill up the enormous hole in my gut.   I tried filling it with anything and everything that seemed like it might be better than the shame and devastation that I felt.  Life or I just did not matter.  How could it?  I'd not mattered to one of the most important people in my life, my mom.  The really sad part was that I loved her so.  All I ever wanted was her time, attention, love, and approval.

I know now that it was not my fault.                          She could not give what she did not have.

What a miracle it is for me to not need her.  What a miracle it is that I'm okay.  That I'm better than okay.  That I don't have to fill that hole with anything any longer.  That there is no hole anymore.  That I'm whole now.  Praise God.  I can be alone and not lonely.  I can be alone and enjoy it, enjoy my company.

It's okay that my journey has taken me thus far.  It's been an incredible journey.  God's been right here the whole time.  As I look back, God and only God has gotten me through.  It's okay that I need God. This is a reliance that is healthy.  I've a healthy relationship with God.

I knew God at an early age.  I knew Him but not like I know Him now.  I need Him now.  It is okay to need Him.  He is everything to me.  He has taught me how to love even when I don't want to, because He did.  He has healed my heart.  I know that if I hadn't been through what I did, I'd never have needed Him so.  I praise Him for this. It has made me who I am.  I like me.  I no longer have lack.  I no longer feel empty.  I no longer feel broken.  I'm no longer vulnerable in this world.  Thank God for His mercy, His precious grace - for while we were yet sinners, He died for us....  There is nothing more beautiful than that....<3

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