Thursday, October 9, 2014

A valiant quest.

I began a journey today.  One I've taken before.  One of which there seems to be no end.  I'm okay with this -- for it is life, for some.  Few actually, when I really think about it.  Few face the fear and delve into the inner recesses.  I liken it to a hero's journey.  For it takes great courage.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She was a quiet, shy little girl, that needed much love.  Although she needed it, she did not get it.  Not from the one person that she needed it from the most.  She did not understand this, and it made her quite weary, afraid, and she felt very much alone in the world.  Alone, afraid and different - she like to hide from people an pretend that she was invisible.  She felt as if she were anyway.  She'd hide for hours on end, but no one came to look for her, and it just made her feel that much more insecure.  For life is uncertain, when you are not loved.

People don't understand when I say or explain that it was my mother that didn't love me.  I've had this confirmed by her.  My mother told me that she hated me when I was a child.  I don't know how to respond to this.  I know what my childhood was like, and it makes sense.  I was broken even back then, and I knew it.  I knew that she did not love me.  No one had to tell me, I intrinsically knew it.  It was palpable.  The distain that she had for me.  Her own child.  Her only daughter.

So she dressed me up in pretty clothes, and paraded me around.  I guess that's all she knew to do with me.  She certainly did not know how to love me.  What I can remember was a succession of memories of where I was either a manipulative tool or a show piece to the world.  Brutal as this may sound, I don't care anymore.  My mother was narcissistic, and could not see beyond her own selfish desires.  If there were anything being done with me, on any level it was to her advantage.  It was to glorify her.  How does a child respond to this?  They don't develop a sense of self.  Without a mirror -- there is no formation of personhood.  I felt like a nonentity.

If it had not been for my father and grandmother's love, I do not know.  I feel it in the pit of my stomach now.  That emptiness.  That void.  That lack of consistency that I know in my head a mother must provide.  The enormity now that grace provides me.  Oh how I know that the Father has led me here, with intent.  To the inexplicable love of the Father.  It's boundless... unending.

My journey has taken me into her past, and helped me understand what she went through.  WE CANNOT GIVE WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE.  This has screamed at me, since I was in my twenties. The Hand of God has directed me into this truth.  He has guided me, protected me, nurtured me, held me, enlightened me, and endured with me.  Mine has been a hero's journey.  One with a huge loss but a immeasurable gain... and I stand whole, loved and tethered.  His love never fails.  I've had to learn this.  Never gives up on me.  No matter the mistakes I make, and I've made huge ones.  It's the one thing that I've never understood from my mother or many humans... CONSTANT.  My emotions waver, they falter - but not my Father's love!

So, I dig again and I aim to remove all residue of belief that I am unloveable.  I remove all resolve that I didn't deserve to be nurtured.  I delve into the emotional recesses of my mind and heart that I was ever a burden.  If it takes another disillusion of beliefs and illusion - I delve.  This will be the final internment.  I will not do this again.  I will arise the creation that my Father intended for me to be!!!!  I face whatever pain that may be waiting.  I embrace it.  I will be what my Father created me to be, despite the damage done by my mother, assorted relationships, my addictions, etc.  I have done as much damage to myself as anyone.  For it is I who have tried to fill that huge crevasse with things, substances, people, and food.  Empty is painful when you don't understand how you got that way.  When you yearn for fulness.

And so the journey begins.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Let Grace cover the earth!

http://nearsay.com/c/23946/23617/grace-encounter

The link above is to one of the most amazingly anointed, men of God I've ever known.  I have  no words to explain how what it is to be in this man's presence, little alone to study under his teachings.   It is ineffable.  

His teaching is that which of I write....of Grace.  Of precious Jesus.  For many, unlike anything you've ever heard before.  You just might find yourself as I did, set free.  It's transformed my life, and nothing would make my heart leap with joy more than to pass this on and have the message of grace touch souls.  Let it pull you home.  From where ever you are.  God is not mad, and He's especially not mad at you.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  He is the what set love into motion, and you think he does not know how to love you??  He created love!  He created us to love!  Yet we look to people to fulfill this, and they cannot.  Then we blame God.  Interesting concept really.  He did not make us perfect... but we forget, and ache for it, that connection --- when we need to be looking to our Father for that.  He is the only One that can fulfill that need.  He was, He is, and He will always BE!  Past, present, and perfect tense!  Perfection!  

Of course Pastor Paul White is always available at Midland Church or Paulwhiteministries.com.  All of the sermons are archived and are free for the download or lifestream.  Hallelujah!! If you get a chance to see this man, do not pass it up.  You WILL be blessed.  I promise you.  You will not be the same.  Grace.  What a precious gift.  

Grace and Peace to you.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Learning/trusting/growing...Grace 101 again.

Faith is an amazing thing.  Mine has been growing by leaps and bounds.  I've had a bad experience, yet I know that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  

We had a different Pastor Wed. night at or church - and he was amazing.  He preached on what it meant for him to be "in grace."  It was so beautiful.  He inspired me so.  I've been struggling quite a bit, as of late.  As those of you know that read my blog - I'm trying to let go of the old dreams and beliefs if you will - of marriage.  This is not an easy feat.  However, I've not given it much thought as of late.  I know that I need to, I need to do that inner work, and I will - I guess I've identified it, but just not all the way ready.  I have a chance to do some grief work, and I'm going to take it if it fully comes to fruition.  

I've had several eye opening things happen the past week.  Several blessings, and some sad events.  Yet, I'm more and more convinced that the less that I focus on my circumstances, the better off that I am.  I so feel reborn everyday, in grace.  I could write about it for what seems lifetimes.  I had the grand blessing of having lunch with a friend, just off the cuff today - and we discussed just that - and she's just learning about grace. As I witnessed to her (praise God for the opportunity) I found myself with chills twice.  Oh how I wish that everyone knew of the joy, the ineffible joy of that which I speak.  

Having the knowledge that I'm not under the law of sin and death any longer - has given me a freedom from shame, worry, anxiety, fear, angst, ETC!  I used to live under such condemnation.  And all the while the bible told me "there is therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus."  But no one ever taught me this.  No one ever really taught me that I have the mind of Christ.  Or that I or now have been adopted into His family.  That He calls me friend.  I knew that He laid down His life for me, but I never really understood what this meant.  I never knew that the handwriting of ordinances was nailed to the cross with Him.  Nor did I have any idea what that meant! It was the law of sin and death!  I had not had it explained to me that we were no longer under the old covenant.  How sad this is.  How burdened I was.  How horribly burdened I was, and how "do good to get good", I tried to live my life.  I was a sinner.  Period, saved by grace and that was all that I knew -- and that wasn't even safe, because when I sinned, God turned His face from me.  No wonder people turn there backs on God, they think He turns His face from them!!!

I'm free today.  Free because my Savior Finished the work!  There is nothing that I can do, or need to do that can add anything to that -- and how arrogant, and ridiculous to thing (for me) that we could help God?  How much power do we really think that we have?  Ah, but we do have power.  Just not to add to what Jesus did! 

Now you might as what does that have to do with my growing?  EVERYTHING!!  Because my hope is in Him.  My life, everlasting.  I have Christ inside of me in the form of the holy spirit - all of us do -- the moment that we accepted Christ - and He is changing me.  He is changing me from the inside out.  AS only He can do.  I so used to believe that it was up to me to do the changing but I've since learned that it is Christ that does the evolving.  My sprit man grows because of Christ inside of me, the hope of glory.  I'd share the gospel with anyone that would listen and by gospel - I mean "good news."  I've repented - changed my mind  about who I am, what I have, and what I can do.  Christ answers prayer. The bible say's, all that we have to do is to but ask.  

Now I can take the time to go back and prop all of this up with scripture, but I write this for inspiration - hope, faith, it is not  written to sway nor convince anyone of anything.  It is of my experience.  I hope it enlightens, and the main thing for me is that I write that of what the holy spirit puts on my heart - from the heart.  I truly believe what is written of the heart, is heard with the heart.  I do not have to "prove" anything today.  It just isn't about this for me.  The statement, "It Is Finished!" - is in perfect tense, it was, it is, and it will always be!  Praise God!  If one knows what that means, hallelujah!!!  Then intent is to witness straight out of my heart, and I do that each and every time I write.  

The word intent has hit me as of late. Intentions.  My mind swirls with thought on this....to be continued....

        I have this image in my desktop.  I meditate on it.  It is mindful to me as beautiful as it is, that one might just join Christ on the water as Peter did hand in hand with Jesus.  My mind gravitates to when Jesus lets go.  Can I find rest in my faith alone?  Can if find solace with my spirit man?  Will there be more rain, or is the storm breaking?  Am I on solid rock?  Knowing what I know must merge with my heart, or I only protest.  Can I walk this out?  My mind and my heart, resoundingly say - yes, I can.  I will trust as I wait for new doors and pathways to emerge - and for my Lord to reveal answers that I seek.  I will hold fast for the glory of God.  As sure as the sun rises in the east, and the birds beacon the new day before the sun's rise - God will unveil the promises in my life.  I proclaim this with joy in my heart!!!  With gratitude in my soul.  Tenderness and new mercies arise on my heart...  I love my Lord.  What a journey I have been on, and how immeasurably I am blessed.  Praise God!!!  I thank God in advance for all that He is doing that I have not the foresight to see, but know in my heart, and trust.  My heart burst with expectation because of the love of my Lord!!! 

My Savior is at rest, how can I not be?  One would think with all of these questions I'm not at rest.  It is just not so.  I am naturally inquisitive.  I suppose it a childlike quality that I have.  I bubble with energy mentally at times - I wish it were physical!  Albeit, I like who I am in Christ, and that is all one could really hope for.  I know that people don't get me, however, I'm content in my world.  I praise God for this mind, evolving as it is.... 
may the Lord of my life, my Beloved continue to refine me, and hone me according to His will.  Amen.