Faith and the ego.

I trust the Lord explicitly.  I have great faith.  I've been through many a trial - and I feel fully alive.  I'm a very grateful person - and know that I'm truly blessed - Yet a statement hit me last night, like a ton of bricks.  There was so much truth to it, I was utterly speechless.  As I sit here now, the thoughts flow - however, last night - it resonated with the very core of my being.

I live mostly in my head.  This is not to say that I'm not a feeling person, because I really am.  I'm in touch with both.  Some has said that I'm "moody", and they wouldn't be wrong at times.  I know my past and I realize the patterns for this.  I've just never actually know if thought produces feelings, or feelings produces thought.  I tend to concur with the first - but I believe it could be either.

The quote that hit me was: "When you work for less than you're worth it is because you're afraid of who you are."  I cannot recall the lovely Scottish woman with the heavy accent who said it, but man did it hit heart center.  It hit me sort of like a confrontation.  It was a shock.  An illuminating shock.  It woke me up.

I've been praying about several things as of late.  My experience with the Holy Spirit inside of me just grows and grows, and I adore it.  As I delve into the scriptures and feed on God's word -- I find nuggets of truth and God's own heartbeat.  I pray for different things I suppose than most, but I want to know God...this is my highest aim.  To portray Him in my walk in life.  I cannot do this if I do not know Him.  The more I find out, the more absolutely amazed I am.  The more I read, it is like quenching a thirst I never knew I had.  That is the best way that I know how to explain it.  It's beautiful.  Amazingly beautiful.

My life is changing.  I can feel it.  I will not say that there isn't any fear attached.  I have the same fears as anyone else - and a big one that I have is fear of failure.  I also have fear of success.  I think a lot of us have this.  It keeps us in bondage.  We stay stuck in a lot of situations where we don't belong.  Sometimes for lifetimes.  We stay stuck when we could be growing by leaps and bounds.  It takes a thing called guts.  In reality it's the same thing as faith.  It's just packaged a little different.  WE think that the fear is different, but in reality, it's not.  Trusting our Savior -- is all encompassing.  If I am going to fully trust Him, He has to have the power over my career -- my fears -- and my failures which are tied to my self-esteem.  It's interesting that (for me) when it comes to the ego stuff, I want to be in control.  This is exactly when I need to have the MOST faith.  Yet, somehow I think that I need to do that stuff by myself.  It's sort of an oxymoron.  God made me!  In His likeness.  How in the world do I think I can handle this particular project on my own???  And why, oh why do I doubt myself?  I'm wonderfully, and perfectly made!!!  There is not another person like me, so who is there out there to compare me to?  It's just ridiculous.

I in truth, have had faith, to a point.  That's hard to admit.  I'm learning.  I'm growing.  I see now!!!  It's hitting my heart.  It's a revelation.

Thank you Jesus for opening my mind to this truth.  For making me uncomfortable and challenging me.  Thank you Father for answering prayers in awesome ways.  Your mind and heart never cease to amaze me.  Father - let not my heart be troubled, but find rest always in you.  Increase my faith and my knowledge of you.  Expand my heart, that I may entrust you in all things, and my daily walk be pleasing to you.  Most of all Father, for loving me, always loving me the way that you do - and showing me beauty the way that you do.  If it be pleasing Father, let my life be used to help others.   In Jesus name, Amen.