Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Trials of this Life

I've been in a deep depression.  There's multiple factors - changing some medication and life events - the loss of my pastor and the month of May itself.  I don't attribute depressions ebb and flow to events, it is a condition one has alas, events can certainly affect it.  This has been the longest time that I've been unable to write.  I'm still not 100% however I feel the need to express myself.

Today is my Father's birthday.  He would have been 80.  I miss that man with every fiber of my being.  Having been his caregiver for eight years, we grew to be the strongest of confidants.  That period of time in my life is today, one of the most precious.  I treasure it like few know.  It afforded us time and opportunity to do and express everything that a father and daughter ever dream.  This time was also difficult for when I lost him, I lost a part of myself.  I never felt so vulnerable in the world for so long as I did when I lost my Dad.  It has taken me years to overcome this loss -- and trust me, time has had nothing to do with it --it's taken an active participation in my own grief.  I can honestly say that today - I have lived through having had my heart broken in two.  Just split, busted open.  There were plenty of days when I just could not function in the beginning -- the grief so intense.  Never, ever belittle anyone's grieving process by thinking you have a clue what they are going through, because you do not.  Each and everyone of us had a unique experience with our loved ones -- and our grief is the same.  The journey through healing is a personal journey.  Alway honor that.  Each and everyone of us experience it differently - because our hearts are broken in different ways.  That is what grief is, adjusting to life without that persons presence - and a broken heart.  We always wish we'd said more and did more.  So don't wait for tomorrow, or some day -- do what your heart speaks for you to do now, and you'll have no regret.  You'll have no "if only's".

I'm trying to emerge out of a space in which my heart has felt numb.  I've been void of feelings.  Basically dead inside.  If you know my blog that is major for me.  I've lost touch with Father God, and life itself.  Nothing has mattered.  I've simply been going through what "motions" I could bring myself to.  That has been no easy feat.  When you feel dead inside, life feels like a chore.  Sleeping is really all that one wants to do, for it is relief.  Relief from the ever knowing that your  insides aren't right.  For the days when life feels like nails on a chalkboard.  When everything is excruciatingly painful... but you can't even feel that pain all you feel is heavy.  Weighted.  Drowning. Barely breathing.  Hopeless.  Like your mind is collapsing in upon itself.  These are the days of clinical depression.

Many people don't understand this.  This is why I write.  I'm getting better gradually else I would not be able to write at all.  I actually was able to pray today.  I'm beginning to decipher some things.  I will choose to grow from this, because that is who I am.  I'll peel back the layers and see what's underneath.

God hasn't gone anywhere -- It is the absence of feeling that makes it seem or perceive that there is separation.  Pain makes us feel separate.  We do this.  God is always there.  My hope is returning.  Sometimes blessing come through painful times - and this has been such a time.  I know on the other side of this "nothingness" is pain.  It is probably what drove me so deep into despair.  I do not know, but I do know that my Jesus will see me through, He aways has, and He always will.  Even in the depths, I know this.  I understand that although things feel as if they aren't progressing, or changing, they still are.  Life does not stand still. not for anyone.  I'm comforted by one of my favorite scriptures:

Corinthians 4:16-18 (NKJV)
"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet our inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working exceeding and eternal weight in glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things that are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Praise God.