I'm struggling still. It is difficult too because it makes the pain that I have harder to manage -- and my anxiety has been through the roof. As I attempt to learn and function at this new job, it feels impossible some days. I vacillate between feeling like I'm going to get fired one day - to "maybe I got this", the next. I'm just damned unstable at this particular time in my life -- and I abhor it. The effects of the depression make everything harder --- EVERYTHING. I'd just as soon give up - but it's just not in me. Besides the fact that I'm no quitter. I mean we don't really have that option, now do we? I've never seen it listed!
1. Keep going
2. Give up
Thank God I haven't lost (completely) my sense of humor.....
I have many that wonder (or will) where my faith is at a time like this. All I know to say is, I don't know. When you can't feel anything, and you grapple for every little morsel of stimulus from life - all the while feeling much akin to a dead stump... it's kind of difficult to access your faith. I know in my head that God is still there. I even know in my heart as much -- and I have brief moments when I can emotionally grasp something close. However there's the void. The void that I'm living in. Trust me - I full well know that faith isn't about feelings. Albeit -- depression wipes everything out. Alas, I'm sure that this is exactly how satan likes it. For I know that my current mental state is and does lie to me. What I mean by that is that is it tells me things about myself that aren't true. Awful things. It's a horrible illness.
I will forge on. I have some things on the horizon. I know that God is with me, ever step of the way. I also know that there are people with a whole lot worse problems than I have and that this is temporary. A large part of what is going on with me is about not having many humans in my life. I've prayed for this to change. I believe in prayer -- and I believe that this will change. Isn't that faith?
My pastor once told me that the Word was inside me. I have awful problems with memory. I cannot recall scripture like most people. I can remember it when someone starts to recite it - but as far as knowing it by heart - I don't. It isn't because I haven't read it. I have. I know that He has a plan for a future for me and that it is good. I just have to believe this.
I guess I've just lost my purpose. This goes back to loosing my ability to counsel. I know that this is the gift that I was given by God. It was/is what I excel at. It is where I feel I'm the most useful. It is simply what I do best and what I love. Helping others makes me feel alive. It is my purpose in life. I have to find a way to utilize my gifts in my present life and I will because.... Jesus knows my every need. He hears my every prayer -- even when I cannot pray. And I know that I am not alone.....