Honesty with Self and a giving heart.
It's been some time since I've written. Even though I'm on meds, depression has my creative voice. I'm attempting to manage some unmanageable things -- go to therapy and emotionally deal with life the best way that I know how at this time. Most days it seems that I don't feel, despite the fact that I try. I detest this about medication, it makes life really seem like it's not worth living, especially when your a feelings based person such as I am. Most of what I do feel is surrounded by negative self-worth and berating myself. I know that this is the depression talking - and the voices of my past. The "old-tapes" if you will. That triggers more depreciation because I wonder to myself if I'll ever break free of my past with my mother. I suppose after 25+ years of therapy -- the answer might just be, uh, no. It's okay - I know that I'm a much different person today than I've ever been, and I do catch myself when the negative beatings erupt. I do stop myself, I do the best I can to feel the emotion that spurred it on, and move on from it. This is my way of moving beyond it. I honestly do not know if our core issues every completely heal over. That's just me, others may differ --- no bonding with your mother is a pretty serious issue ... and I know that it marred me.
I have been muddling along. I tried to help someone out of the kindness of my heart. Despite the hesitancy of my mind - I took someone in. I couldn't bare thinking of this person sleeping in an abandoned house. This is a female for goodness sake. Now this is her bed that she's made, a bed made from gambling, addiction, and reoccurring homelessness because of her behavior. She has the canny ability to get money -- but when she does she gambles it away quicker than she can get it again. Yes I believe that gambling is an addiction. However, there is help. Just like with anything else. People either choose help, or they don't. They want to get well, or they're busy staying sick. Yes, that sounds cruel, but I believe that one either makes up their mind or they don't. Anyway ...
I let her stay with me for a few days. She was supposedly sober for a few weeks, but alas, all she did was sleep... for hours on end. No looking for a job, no different behavior, just irresponsibility. Basically, same shit, different day. She left one evening (for the second time) to be with a man that I know is still using -- and I'd had enough. She stayed out all night, did not communicate with me, and I put her out. Oh but I'm the one talking to her crazy. The truth is crazy. Funny how people who aren't living life by life's rules think the truth is crazy. But I know that she is a Queen of manipulation. It's what she does. It's how she gets her money... and she is very good at it. The tough part is that I do care for and about her. I know that she is possibly facing four years in jail. She has a great deal of pain inside of her. I don't know exactly how long it's been since she's drawn a sober breath. Not a real one. Not where she is dealing mentally, emotionally, and physically with her real emotions? She may have never! Perhaps I was expecting too much... particularly where this man is concerned. She is as addicted to him as she is the drugs, and gambling. At the very least she is people dependent. At any rate, I did what I felt I had to do. There was one thing ...she had access to my home. Yeah, that was stupid on my part. So I had to act fast.... and I did...
Live and learn. The hard part for me is the fall out. The emotions that I had that spilled over from doing what I had to do and the dealings with her. She did everything in her power to try and make me "feel" like I was a horrible person. I was the one that had the problems, not her. Now I know that the is what addicts do -- well because I am one, however let me tell you when the tables are turned and the focus or the brunt of the emotion is at you, it's a different story. It does make you (make being the operative word here) wonder if you've made the right decision, ultimately questioning yourself. I knew this was coming. Yet and still, I experienced the emotions. I know now (being past it) that I felt this because I've put people through it. It's not fun being on the other side of the coin.
Life has an uncanny way of showing us things. Sometimes it's simple things, and sometimes much more complicated. A few things that I know - I am a caring and kind human. I often reach my hand out to help, and draw back a stump. But this is okay with me. At the very least, I tried. Nothing ever worth having came without a price. We never know. I'd not want to live my life in a bubble of super heavy duty wrap that no one could penetrate. I'd rather be open to hope, Jesus and His healing powers, and the potential for change. Some might call me stupid, vulnerable, and risky - but that's okay. For me to live is to give. It's just who I am. Yes at times there's consequences - but for the most part, if chosen wisely, they're's joy. That's what I'm seeking are those times, when joy is involved. I know that my faith will lead me there one of these days. I cannot quit believing. Unfortunately this usually involves other people, and it subjects me to being hurt at times. Suffering behind it is .......optional. I don't have to suffer, I just give it right back to God. She is in His more than capable hands, once again. I still took the risk, no matter that it didn't turn out as I'd liked for it too. She's got a long way to go yet I think to reach bottom, and I hate this for her. Deep bottoms are hard to come up out of, I know, I've been there.
The really difficult part is lying to ourselves about who and what we really are. Herein lies the challenge, the task of being brutally honest with self. Some people run from it their entire lives, while others relish in who they are. It's a major part of who society is. Vastly divergent we all are, especially those that are ego driven. I can't say that I am not at all, however I do try and keep mine in check. It takes attention, focus, and practice. Most folks don't even bother. It's pretty much what makes life worthwhile for me... my clarity of mind, motivation, and purpose in life. I realize that there are plenty others that could care less. For me, however it is my life force. It's been brought about by multiple trips to ground zero (if you will allow me) and starting over with nothing, time, and time again. It humbles you - tremendously. A person takes very little for granted when facing those kind of new starts. I'm not here to say that I'm perfect by any means, but I try and stay aware, and focused - and alive to life. I think used very lightly it's called: BEING PRESENT. It's such a much more focused way to live as an anxiety driven sufferer, and very grounding. It's for me all the way back to the word... Grace. The grace of a new day, a new experience, a new hope. As we live "expectantly" - anything is possible in this wonderland that we call life. If I can do it with these pain levels, and my demons -- anyone can. All you have to do is start where you are. Watch for miracles - they happen everyday, only if we're open to them. Be open.
This is a new day filled with new adventures! Get out there and see what Jesus has in store for you!!!