Thinking about thinking.....

I actually wonder how many of us do this?  Are we aware that we have resistance to our forward thinking thoughts, our positive energy motivating behaviors, the new intentions that form in our minds?  We do!  It's that nagging voice that pops up and tells you why you can't or shouldn't do what you've just so wonderfully welcomed doing.  It's a instant lash of negative, a knife blade of death to the creative voice in your head.  Do you hear yourself thinking?  Do or have you ever even thought about it?

There are so many times that I just wish I could stop the thoughts that run through my head.  I can intercede upon them, but I've yet to conquer them.  Of course with anything, the first step is awareness... we have to stop and think about our thinking... we have to examine it.  Most people aren't comfortable with this.  It takes guts sometimes.  It really takes an enlightened person, one that can stand outside there own mind.  Yes there can be judgement, it's difficult not to, but eventually (it's taken me years) there becomes an understanding that our thought patterns just are.  It is within my power to correct and modify them, but I don't know that I can ever completely change the ebb of the original flow.  This has led me now to Buddhism.  I'm very interested in the culture, and the mindset.  I like the compassionate way.  I like the peaceful way.  I realize that at 53 this might not be the easiest thing to try to incorporate into my life, but I've ordered a book called, "The Mind and The Way".  I am very tired of living life vulnerable to life's little bumps and bruises, and being attached to this and that.  It is not that I do not want to care.  It is not this, at all.  I want to care at a deep level, but I want to make the best of possible decisions for everyone involved.  I want to be in my higher mind.  I believe this is possible in great moments of peace.

Being attached to things emotionally is pretty much how we are wired.  This is how we 'take things personally' - and have adverse reactions to events that happen in our lives, only to wish we'd responded differently later on.  We just care about stuff.  It's perfectly normal.  However there is a state of being that removes that gut reaction.  It doesn't come over night, and it takes practice as well as much thought.  It will come natural after practice.  I'm talking meditation and mindfulness.  I used to meditate, I did so for three years.  It changed my life.  I don't know to this day why I stopped.  Life is strange that way - and how we can just quit doing something that is producing excellent results in our lives.  It completely transformed me from the inside out.  I no longer reacted to things the same way in life, and evidentially I even looked a bit differently on the outside, according to friends.  Attachments are like burdens, they weigh us down.  We aren't really aware of it, until something happens.  Then we get all bent out of shape.  This is one of the single most telling ways to know that our attachments are out of sink.

I know that this is not going to be easy.  I have new ideas all the time that I don't follow through with.  I am very curious about this however and I have been most of my life.  As my life gets more stressful and I'm handling is less productively -- this seems to be the best possible answer for me.  As much as I detest becoming angry and blasting people, and as opposite as it is of who I earnestly am, this feels like more of a way of life for me.  I am a very calm, collected, and at peace individual -- and it is up to me to make my insides mirror my outsides.  I'm so tremendously tired of wearing the weight of my past, and I want to live in the present.  At least as much as I can.  I am in hopes that this discipline will hone the edges off my sometimes jagged life.  This is my hope.

This doesn't intercede upon my relationship with Jesus Christ, in any size, shape, nor form.  It for me is just a manner of living.  I still and always will be a Christian first and foremost.  Buddhism is for me a way to be a better Christian.  A better human.

I am an avid watcher of Super Soul Sunday of the OWN channel of Oprah Winfrey's station.  I love it.  It is one of the most thought provoking programs on television.  I soak it up like a little child on Sunday mornings.  I watched reruns last Sunday and Thich Nhat Hanh was on her program.  He is a very well know Buddhist monk, and  he's written  several books.  I have one called, "Living Buddha, Living Christ".   I'm just becoming familiar with it.  It is inspiring, and quite deep.  One has to think about their thinking, literally.

I think I've turned a corner with my depression, it feels that way.   I so hope so and that my creative intelligence has returned.  I hope that I once again can be captain of this ship instead of being a captive.  It is so much more refreshing.  It feels much less like being stuck in a mire of incidental life, where you have very little control over what happens to you because you don't have the creative energy nor the energy period.  My fibro is bad enough and what it does to my brain.  Being a prisoner to the depression is hell on earth.  It is a gift to be able to write, even if no one reads it.  It is a passion that I have, that allows me to indulge my higher thought life through a larger vision.  If that makes any sort of sense for anyone.  I get to think about my thinking.  I hope I'm on a shift change here....  one with truly lasting value.   I know that it will challenge me.  Everything worth having really does -- if it's worth anything of value in your life.  I guess as most of us do I'm still searching for meaning at 50+.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Being the kind of person with few personal relationships, no real family-- I have to work harder than most to feel alive.  It's either that or be busy feeling alone.  I don't want to feel alone.  I've done plenty of that.  It's time to get busy with the business of life.

God bless, and constant grace.....  may you find your way of peace and internal bliss in everyday life.