Showing posts from February, 2015

Hope Now.

My life changed yesterday.  I got a call, and so it goes.  It's okay -- I felt it coming.  The sad part is that I'd tried to protect someone that I loved, and it did not work.  Sometimes darkness wins over light.  Sometimes manipulative people do achieve what they set out to least for the moment.  It saddens me, but alas - I spoke the truth.   I will not back down from the truth that the Lord placed in me.  I cannot help seeing what I see.  I will continue to fight injustice, even if I do not succeed.

I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I know that what I see in others that really riles me, is often an aspect of myself that needs to change.  I have defects.  I also know that I am an evolved person.  I work at being mindful of my challenges, assets, and liabilities.  Some folks don't and wouldn't know nor begin to know how.  I often get accused of being to self focused.. and I've even entertained that thought.  However, I want to be alive.  I want to be pr…

Faith and the ego.

I trust the Lord explicitly.  I have great faith.  I've been through many a trial - and I feel fully alive.  I'm a very grateful person - and know that I'm truly blessed - Yet a statement hit me last night, like a ton of bricks.  There was so much truth to it, I was utterly speechless.  As I sit here now, the thoughts flow - however, last night - it resonated with the very core of my being.

I live mostly in my head.  This is not to say that I'm not a feeling person, because I really am.  I'm in touch with both.  Some has said that I'm "moody", and they wouldn't be wrong at times.  I know my past and I realize the patterns for this.  I've just never actually know if thought produces feelings, or feelings produces thought.  I tend to concur with the first - but I believe it could be either.

The quote that hit me was: "When you work for less than you're worth it is because you're afraid of who you are."  I cannot recall the lo…

Just start here....

I'm ever aware that life, and myself, are a work in progress.  I know too, that things take time.  My Pastor teaches us that everything has a season, and that "my time has not yet come."  I take these things to heart when I think of life, and my growth - and try and give myself a break.  I make mistakes, and I hope that I learn from them, lest the just be mistakes.

Learning is something that I love.  I love it even when it is hard, and it hurts.  Most people don't, and I understand this, yet sometimes I push.  I am not certain why I am this way.  I explore my need for "rightness", my ego needs and the like.  The best answer that I can attain is my inner thrust for need of truth.  God has planted this inside of me, for God is Truth.  Yet and still, He didn't place it inside of me, to hurt others with it.  At this, I fail Him.

If I am anything, I am kind.  Yet there is a brutal side to me.  I detest this entity.  This duality.  It is akin to an evil twi…

Born Again.

I don't know what I'll write today - but I know that my heart is full.  Despite the fact that I've a little world, my heart bursts with joy.  Joy for the little things that most folks take for granted.  I guess it is who I am, for I know people that don't even consider the things that I do - and am grateful for -- oh so grateful.

My pain has been great as of late.  I did not even intend for that to rhyme.  It is my own fault -- to a degree, I've been smoking.  Nicotine makes my neuropathy worse.  Yet, there are things in my life that are going on, and my love of the Father that just makes my heart so full.

My morning reading was about Jesus leaning over our shoulders and knowing our thoughts.  I find that endearing.  For in the closest tense that I know -- with one human exception - He is my closest confidante.  I may not talk to Him all the time, but I know without one single doubt, He is always there.  To a girl who's life has been riddled with inconsistenc…

Accepting loss and allowing grief.

Grief.  I'm no stranger to it.  I wouldn't say that I like it, but I do know that it's transformative.  Grief in and of itself can only leave you a better person, if you allow it's ebb and flow of emotionality.

My beloved pastor is leaving in a few short weeks.  Even as I write this, I feel the pain inside of my heart.

This man who if so dear to me is not only leaving our church, but he is quite possibly leaving the country -- and although I have accepted the facts, I am still heartbroken.  Part of me doesn't know yet what emotions I will feel or experience.  I've been to him several times for counsel, and hold him so dear to my heart - for I've shared some deep things of my heart with him, things that had held me hostage for many years.  Releasing those secrets set me free.

Secrets keep us sick and stuck.  Secrets never mean as much to others as they do us.  Revealing dark and heavy truths about oneself can only bring new life and entrap false fears, re…

Humility in an answered prayer.

I've been very angry as of late.  An angry depression - I'm guessing.  It's so unnatural for me.  It feels very foreign.  I am not the angry type of person, not at all.  It's robbing me of my peace - or rather as I've learned, I'm allowing it.  I've felt much like a run away train on a path of destruction.  My feelings have felt so completely out of control, and it has seemed to get worse by the day.  I've had to cut down my consumption to caffeine - for that just makes me fly into a rage.  Yes, me -- rage.  My friends are concerned, my closest, flowered.  I am in the midst of so much emotional change.  I really dislike it, but God has shown me this morning that there is something that I can do about it....   I'm praying that this is the answer.  
I've been on a pride run.  I've been overly consumed with big ole me.  God revealed to me, kind of woke me up this morning and I stumbled upon a sermon by Andrew Wommack about humility.  He defined …