I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I know that what I see in others that really riles me, is often an aspect of myself that needs to change. I have defects. I also know that I am an evolved person. I work at being mindful of my challenges, assets, and liabilities. Some folks don't and wouldn't know nor begin to know how. I often get accused of being to self focused.. and I've even entertained that thought. However, I want to be alive. I want to be present. I truly believe this is the way that the Lord made me. The path that God has brought me through has led me here - and as much as I love the Lord -- and I know unequivocally that I am a new creation --- some would say that I don't look to Him as my source. The funny thing about this is that He is my only source, my height, my depth, my desire, and my inspiration. Everything that I am, is from Him. I suppose what the point is - being an intellectual, and individual, on a path with the Lord as my Godhead -- is different than simple faith. It doesn't mean that I don't have simple faith... whatever that means... I just have a challenging mind. It does not make me that much different - I just utilize my faith in a different manner.
I say all of this because I question myself. I'm just a person (like many I expect) that thinks. Maybe I don't do blind faith. Perhaps this is a short coming of mine. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just too complex a person. The bible says that we've all been given a 'measure' of faith. It doesn't say that we have to have it blindly. I don't want to be blind. I want eyes that see the light that the Lord placed inside of me. How can I be or have use to others if I do not know myself? I think this is a good question.
At any rate, those are things that have been on my mind. I have to now pick myself up and get up and out and begin now. My life has to begin a new chapter, whether or not it be school or something else.
Everything that we do has consequences. Even when your motives are good, there are consequences. I know that I don't always (for lack of a more evolved word!) go about things in the most eloquent manner -- sometimes I'm brutally honest and people find this harsh. Especially when people don't have the right motives and are trying to cover up their true intentions. People blaze a trail through our lives, and some people reek havoc. I've been party to someone that has ulterior motives, and is playing a nasty part. The worst of all is that someone's love and loyalty is involved. Nothing will get my blood boiling more that when someone is trying to manipulate someone for the sake of self gain. Especially all the while calling themselves a child of God and "acting as if." Now I have tried, prayed, and even talked to my Pastor about my perception -- and my not wanting to judge -- however blatant behavioral evidence is just that. Evidence. This doesn't need to be judged -- it speaks for itself.
Ugliness comes to the surface, liars will get caught. I trust in this. I trust my Savior. What I've seen and know will work itself to it's own end. I don't have to do a thing. That's hope, that's faith. I regret that this is negative, and that it's regarding abuse. There are just things in this world that aren't pretty sometimes. And this is fact.
I got to close to a nasty truth. That's okay. I'm thankful for the release. I can start over from any given point with my head held high. People who are doing wrong always call the truth seeker "crazy". I'll be the "crazy". I'm woman enough to stand it. Reputation is nothing more that what people "think" of you. I know who I am, and I'm the righteousness of God in Christ. I need no other validation from people.
Be a voice for God. Listen to the holy spirit inside you. It will tell you what you need to know. If something doesn't look right, doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. God gave us instincts for a reason. I have learned to listen to mine. It rarely fails me. I'm assured by this. There will be fallout. This is okay, as my bible says: No weapon forged against me shall prosper... and I believe this.