Showing posts from April, 2015

Dying light of the ego unveiling the presence of God.

I met Jesus again today.  I meet Him quite often these days.  It is a glorious, inexplicable encounter --- first brought on by deep feelings of separation and loneliness.  I actually had the thought today - 'who does God have to talk to?'

I ponder lots of things as I spend hours in my own mind.  I battle with this thought and that --- fighting off the ones that are negative and don't serve me.  I'm going through another preening process amidst some other changes, and man do I ever feel it.  Lots of tears today.  Tears are so healing.  The Holy Spirit revealed much to me this morning, as I made the gamut.

I began in that desolate place, that empty place that is so familiar ... where there is no one.  There is no one out there who knows what I go through, what I feel, how I ache, to be known.  A dark vast place that always comes up empty.  However today -  TODAY - I realized I don't belong in this place.  I never did.  It was the voices, that voice, my voice that p…

Boundless Hope

I watched a moving last night that has struck me so hard.  It is as if I can't move past the feeling that has resonated.  Nor do I want to.  It is an excellent feeling that I have - one of beauty and awe.  I have not felt like this I don't believe ever after watching a film.  I am deeply moved.  
I realize it was a motion picture.  Yet I cannot move past it.  It's shaken me that hard.  The movie is 'Seven Pounds', with Will Smith.  Smith is a man that seems to be fairly normal, an internal revenue man -- a daunting task by any means necessary.  He tracks down people that are behind (seriously) on there taxes.  At least this is what it seems. I'll not spoil it for you....  
What I am actually struck by is what this has driven up in my spirit.  It's awakened something inside my spirit man.  I've awakened to a urgency for what I don't know.  All I know is that I feel incredibly grateful for my life.  All of my experiences that have brought me to where I …

Through It All

Lots of idle time give one loads to think about.  I've battled a lot.  More than most (and I mean MOST).  Many tell me to write my story, but alas, I wouldn't even know where to begin.  I don't even remember my childhood.  I have huge gaps of time that I can't recall.

Pain has no memory.  Praise God.  Can you imagine what that would be like if it did?  We'd have horrific memories of such painful times.  I would, anyway.

My addiction has taken me down many roads.  I had many, many regrets.  Before I completely understood the Finished work of Jesus, I was full of shame and anguish over some of the places that my life had taken me in my use.  Now that isn't to say that I was a horrible person, because I was not - but for me, it was excruciatingly painful what I'd done to my family - my friends and the people that love me.  An then there is myself.  The times that I'd gone against my own values and honor.  I'm a very altruistic person, and a person o…


As a people we're most likely to judge things by how they look.  I don't fault folks, it's mostly how we've been programmed.  It is the way of the world.  You cannot meet someone without them having to tell you who they "are" by what they "do" in the world.  I think this is a shame.  I've often written about our really not being meant to be "human doings" but human-beings.

I praise God today that He looks at our hearts.  It  (nothing)  is dependent upon our pocket books, our education, our standing in the world -- our privilege - nor any of those things, because if it were, I'd fail miserably.  Yet the heart can be a deceiver too.  Because we lust after the wrong things.  It's a ball of confusion living in this day and age if one doesn't know Jesus.  Especially if one doesn't know that everything that He offers is in the Finished Work of Jesus Christ - it's bought and paid for -- in the precious gift of His death, …

Immeasurable Grace

I do not know where to start today - as I collect my thoughts.  My heart hurts.  I've had several  people tell me "not to feel" the way that I'm feeling - which I don't particularly care for, because they're my feelings - and I have a right to them.  I understand their sentiments, yet, they are not me.  They have not endured what I've endured - or walked my beaten path.  I feel that until someone truly understands one's path -- they don't really have a right to tell you how to feel, especially when it comes to the grieving process.  And this is what I've been going through as of late, a grieving process.

My beloved pastor of the last four years will preach his final sermon this Sunday at my church.  It's Easter Sunday on top of this - as well as communion Sunday.  A triple whammy.  Three really emotional things for me.  I'm sort of without words, but I know that on some level  I need to get this out of me, and on to some sort of mediu…