Posts

Showing posts from 2016

Intellect's Betrayal

Image
I see my Doctor today and I've much on my mind.  He dropped the bomb on me last week, and I've got several decisions to make.  I've since discovered that I'm pretty sure I am a victim of identity theft.  I cannot even get into my own credit report.  It was asking me about a mortgage - and I don't own a house? So I'm pretty freaked out.  I was extremely anxious yesterday, not sure what to do - I tried to contact equifax, to no avail. I'll figure something out, still but man does my stomach hurt.  I could totally use prayer right  now.  

At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent.  I want to make that loud and clear.  However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now.  I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month.  It feels ugly, sick, and awful.  I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself u…

As Reality Sets In

Image
On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind.  I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life.  Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.  
I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose.  I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work.  I loved most everything that I did.  I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes.  That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life.  When I lost this, I lost my purpose.  Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift.  I grieve.  
When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist.  My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you&…

Addiction, Denial & Hope.

I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start.  Sorry it has been so long between posts.  I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions.  It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess.  We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering.  I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal.  The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy.  Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict.  Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas.  It's all or nothing.  This is not reality -- because life is full of cho…

On My Mind

Addendum  I'm going to publish this mainly because I truly believe in it's content --- even though it's a post from last week.  Things have transpired and I did get some help from some dear friends --- that I cherish.  However, I've had much thought, and I've processed things almost incessantly.  My depression has somewhat subsided, I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  When you feel so alone in the world  - a world that feels cold, detached, and uncaring, it's a devastating feeling.  I know some of you can relate.  Missing loved ones, spending holidays by yourself, and being broke to boot - feels like hitting a bottom where hope is concerned.  I made it through, of course  but not without pain.  I don't like emotional pain.  Who does?  But I had to ask myself many questions, and I did not like some of them.  I did not like it because some of them were in regards to my being angry with myself.  Those kinds of queries are never easy to ad…

Unexpected Answers......

It's been a while since I've written.  I've had several new things develop.  I've began a new therapy, and I'm ever so excited (and hopeful) about it.  I had decided to change therapist's because of a multitude of inappropriate things that were taking place, the main thing was that I was not being heard.  Knowing from my own background -- a good therapist listens, whereas what I was experiencing was being told that what I felt was inaccurate.  That's a huge red flag.  My self-esteem might not be stellar but it isn't the lowest of low.... and I kept having that shoved down my throat.  If I know anything I am a survivor, and a damn good one at that - I may not have the greatest of coping skills, however they've gotten me through many a trauma.  Besides, I got very tired of hearing stories about other clients (no names were used of course) as if these stories were somehow useful to me.  Take it from me, if you feel like you're not being heard by yo…

A matter of faith

Image
This is today's reading from Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling."  In my current state of mind, it resonated with me deeply.  In doing so, I then realize that I cannot be alone.

Intellect, logic, ego - all the mindsets that we use to solve (and devise) and or problem solve, are ways in which I know for myself, that I ease God out.  'I got this one God' - I'll ask for help for the really heavy stuff...  This is oft times my line of thinking.  Yet - I want to tell myself I'm at peace, trusting the Father.  In truth, I'm only allowing Him to have access to certain parts of my life.  Then I wonder why I end up in some of the scrapes like I do.  I have more trust in my car than I'm allowing God.  That's scary and extremely hard to admit --- to myself and out loud.  Oh it's not a conscious thing, most of the time, it's more of an automatic thing.  More often than not, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it until I take the time to comm…

Silencing the inner critic.

Image
I've ran across these cool video's - from "The school of Life." There is everything you could possibly want to know from Philosophy greats to 'how to do drugs,' which I didn't watch but thought to myself - I probably could teach them a thing or two....

I chose this one because I believe that we all have inner voices that we contend with daily that wreak havoc on our lives.  I know that I do, and I battle with this daily.   For me, there are several different "types" of voices, some good, some brutal.  The most devastating ones, are self-hatred.  They tell me that I'm unworthy - unloveable- ugly - fat - disgusting - and a nobody.  I know who's voice this is.  I imagine if you have these kinds of voices, you too know who's voice it is.  It was whomever was your worst critic in your life.

I've pondered many an hour as to how to stop these voices.  I've put up mental barriers and imagined stop signs in my head.  I've even …

In Search of Acceptance.

So much thought this a.m.  I've been up since 2.  My mind has pretty much been ablaze since I saw my therapist last week.  I know what needs to be done - yet I am not certain how.  I suppose if I am brutally honest, along with not being certain as to the how - I'm afraid of what follows.  I'm not even fully certain what I mean by this.  All that I know is that we as humans maintain identities for ourselves throughout life.  We think of ourselves in various ways, and we become quite attached to these manifestations in our minds.  I am the survivor (from multiple things) of a mentally ill mother, along with various other things, which hindered my life in devastating ways.  I'm a survivor of trauma, and this is how it has  it has been for many years.  It has affected every aspect of my  life.  As  deeply as I regret, I believe that this has become my identity.  Actually I know that I've identified with it, because I've prided myself as becoming an overcomer.  But …

Layers

I've been in much thought about my childhood as of late.  Not a subject that I particularly enjoy - but one that must be endured, especially as I work thru this current addictive process that I an incurring.  I gave up my credit cards - only to open up another charge account.  I'm not certain what I was thinking.  Oh I know what I was thinking - I want a new coffee table and a new rug for my new apartment - but how ridiculous?  It is so sneaky and pervasive.  I lie to myself - the denial is so strong.  I don't want to be accountable - and I want to have what I want, when I want it.   I want the control.  And that is it.  Control.

My recent session with my therapist was about the feelings associated with where I am at with my mom.  She's past now and I've not shed a single tear.  I know that this isn't normal.  However, I'm so conflicted.  I do miss her, but not the relationship that we had.  We had no relationship.  It was a facade.  A superficial facade. …

Surrendering Out Loud

Anxiety.  In a word - it's fear.  Fear amped up.  I feel this more today that what I'd like, more as of late than I usually do.  Mostly it's because I have to give something that I truly enjoy -- up.   I have to give something up that I will still have to continue to do ----in a controlled fashion.   Having to do things that you are addicted to in a different way is damn hard.  I suppose it's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling today... sort of lost and out of sorts.  I really don't know where to begin to attempt to surrender this.  It isn't as if I've not been here before, because I have- with food, alcohol, drugs, and other negative behaviors.  Yet this sure feels different.  I'm not certain as to why.  The feelings of powerlessness are just difficult - I don't care how one slices it.  Powerlessness feels like defeat, like weakness, like the end of the line, and void of choices.  I just wonder how much of that vein of thought is my disease tal…

Elements of Change.

Image
As much as I welcome change in some areas of my life - there are those certain elements that I just want to fight with everything in me.  I've known for months that this change had/has to come about, however I'm having a great deal of difficulty surrendering to it.  Despite the fact that it has reeked havoc in my life, the consequences are great ---I just do not want to have to do this work.  It isn't that I cannot overcome this - because I know that I'm capable.  The fact of the matter is..... I don't want to, and I suppose if truth be told, I'm struggling with willingness.  This is really insane, and it's multilayered with emotions, behavior, as well as full well knowing that my life is not going to get better if I do not submit to how powerless I truly am with this mixed mass of issues.

Change is hard, no matter how we approach it.  Some people resolve themselves to never change - and man, am I grateful that I'm not one of them.  Depending upon the …

God is so good.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks since moving in, we've gotten through almost all of the boxes - my oh my how much stuff a person accumulates in a few years time.  I got nicknacks that I don't know what to do with, and don't want to discard, everywhere.  I had almost unlimited shelf space at the other apartment, thus creating lots of collecting of trinkets - and now that I've downsized, there just isn't a place to set them.  Oh well, I've got storage this time round, and I suppose that is where they'll land.  It's just that sometimes it's hard to part with the things that you love, especially the things that your used to seeing everyday...even if it is just to put them away for a while.  I'm a sentimental old fool I suppose - things remind me of events and people, and I like this.  I'm fully aware that people take priority over things, but for me they are connected at least in this life.

I'm going through medical stuff again…

Hello and welcome to my new home!!!

Hello!!!! I apologize for taking such a long hiatus from writing!  Much has transpired.  Obviously I am now in a new home.  A miracle has taken place...a much prayed for miracle.  Despite my failings, (and I fail daily) God in is ineffable mercy has blessed me beyond measure.  I am in a brand new apartment - with much lower rent.  It will take a little time, but financially things will be much, much, better.

I have been ill.  My right kidney and my liver has some spots on it... and I'm getting that checked out but I had a few months of mind-blowing pain.  I had great difficulty with the medical community - and I find that many other's at this time are having problems with medical things also.... so at least I don't feel alone.  I had one physician never call about the results of a test that he ordered... which to me is just unacceptable.  I find our medical community is really substandard at best these days.  They want high dollar, but don't give the same in service. …

Blessings beyond the pain.

Image
It's been quite awhile since I've written.  Many things have transpired.  My stent has been removed from my kidney - and there's some post pain - but nothing like I've had.  I thing all together I had six ER visits throughout the ordeal.  Plus, my boss politely, (and I say that kindly) as I got my nails done, let me go...stating that I just wasn't able to do the job.  This was a total switch from his telling me to completely heal 100% prior to returning to work, as though he was actually concerned for my wellbeing.  I'd went in to retrieve my very small pay, and get my nails done - and although my nail services had been being free..... he charged me, leaving me with a whopping $12.00.  How kind of him.....  I was really shocked, and somewhat dismayed.  I suppose - such is life.  So here I am, on the mend with no employment and so little money it is actually funny.  Yet, I'm feeling so much better emotionally - I have faith that everything will be just dandy…

Lost lives.

I have mixed emotions today.  This has always been a difficult day for me -- having had the childhood that I had.  I realize that I won't be anyone's favorite when I admit that I really dislike Mother's day.  For me, it evokes much distain.  Having had a mother that was mentally ill, cruel, and with such a duality - as much as I wish it hadn't; my mother affected my life quite adversely.  I've never liked Mother's day.  I'd search for hours sometimes trying to find a damn card that said anything near the truth to our flimsy relationship - in all reality it was a love - hate one at best.  Hallmark doesn't really make cards that requite those feelings.  "Dear Mom, I love you --- despite the fact that I have HUGE amounts of time that I can't recall or remember due to your demonic character......"  Those aren't sold on the shelves.  It was a complex relationship at best, I did love her, it was just "scary" love.  Love filled with…