At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent. I want to make that loud and clear. However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now. I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month. It feels ugly, sick, and awful. I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself up - but boy is it easy to do - it comes first hand for me. My Mom taught me how to be an expert at it. All and all, I want people to know that the Grace of God still stands strong in my life. This is what I've come to in these past few days. If I never pay another credit card bill, and I forgo everything ---- God still will love me more than I can EVER comprehend. I'm the one that isn't able to conceptualize His love for me. I'm the one that is at the loss here. If I were able to accept, engulf, become, participate, in who I actually am to God - I'd never make another compulsive decision (if it's really a decision) again. An I know this in the bottom of my heart. I'm the one at fault here. I am unable to conceive of the depth of God's love for me, and who I am (in all actuality) in Christ Jesus. I've been taught, and I've studied for myself - but for reasons unbeknown to me completely - I have not accepted, digested, or put on the new man I am in Christ.
If I were able to, I would listen to the Holy Spirit inside of me. I'd be led by it's promptings. I'd not make an inaccurate decision - with the acceptation of a mistake here or there out of being human --- . Now, you may ask yourself if I know this... why am I living the manner in which I am living? Well, this is the $24,000.00 question. I believe I know the answer _ and I believe that I know what Doc would say... WORTHINESS. I don't feel worthy of this bounty. Worthy of this incredible love. Even after four mind-blowing years of Pastor Paul White, glorious grace pastoral care, I was unable to take ownership. He probably knew. Even with all my scars removed, my shame eliminated, my sin erased, I still could not take that final completion step. An I am at a loss as to what to do now. These are hard wired issues, ones that have been with me for decades. Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I do not think God able --- oh no, He is MORE than able. It is I that is deficient. It is I that is failing as the recipient. And I do not mean that to sound like Nancy negative. I'm merely being honest. As an anxious avoidant type - because of my lack of relationship with my mother --- it's only quite normal. But there I go again, limiting the Almighty. My intellect is my undoing. An I wish I knew how to stop. Sometimes I wish I weren't so brave. I wish I weren't so self-sufficient. I just push God right out the window. It is my undoing.
Only God has these answers. I'm fooling myself attempting to figure this out. I try and figure every last blasted thing out. That is my greatest weakness. Surrender is the answer. I need to let go of the answers. Somehow I have to let God show me. I've gotten myself - by the power of my own will, in one hell of a mess. I've been running away from grief, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc. I don't like to feel and I don't know too many addictive type humans that do. If I don't take care of these core issues - they are going to eat me alive. I'm trying. I am attempting to. I've somehow got to stop beating myself so mercilessly. It serves no purpose. There is no such thing as a perfect person. I struggle so much to grow - because who I am, isn't good enough. That is the never-ending message. An somehow it's got to be erased. Only God can do that.
Hell yeah, I'm scared. I'm not perfect. That's some crap that my mother tried to instill in me, and it's insane. Fear is a liar. And anxiety breeds untruth. Today I'm okay. I have faith that I'll receive everything that I need. Jesus has my answers. His grace has always been the way. His mercy is so precious. Just because I don't believe in myself has nothing to do with Him believing in me. He can and will answer my prayers in exceeding abundance, and glorious grace.
Father God, I submit to you my intellect. I humbly ask for your wisdom in it's place. I've been exceedingly willful Father, and I have become too invested in the things of this world. Please help me Father, to seek Your will, with all my heart - and to do as You would have me do. Father please bless and keep those that read about my life, I pray abundance and mighty favor over their lives. In Jesus holy name, Amen.
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