Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Stark Reality.

It sort of shakes inside my frame.  This unsteady place that I've reached.  It's very uncomfortable to be here, matter of fact it feels quite unsafe.  Unstable.  A bit akin a cliff, an edge to some foreign place for me emotionally -- a state that I do not yet know.  It feels sharp, yet fresh because it is new but not without a great deal of fear.

As I delve deeper into the book, I am having all sorts of memories flood back from my childhood.  Things that I do not necessarily want to remember.  The times that I would hide.  I'd hide for hours on end, under the table, in the closet.  I was frightened, horribly by my own mother.  Mom was a Jekyll  and Hyde most of the time... I just never knew when was which, and who was going to show up.  I lived most of my childhood in terror.  I tried to anticipate her every mood -- staying astutely attuned to her as I possibly could as to not set her off.  Still one never knew.

It takes a great deal of courage, guts, and truth accepting to come to grips with the fact that your own mother was mentally ill.  I know that now.  I cannot tell you how this helps or doesn't?  And for whomever might stumble upon this and wonder why a person would even address such an issue?  Because I bleed when I'm cut, and this crap is hurting me.  The damage that this has done to my life -has formed patterns and adaptations which are controlling my life.  It's like a bad root.  I've got to get it out.

Insecurely (disorganized) attachment.  That's what this book is calling my relationship with my mother.

"Attachment:  A system of the inner brain that evolved to keep human children safe because of the length of time that it takes to reach maturity.  Attachment has three affects, first, it enables the child to seek proximity to the parent; second, to go to the parent for comfort in times of distress; third, to internalize the relationship with the mother as an internal model of a secure base."
Daniel J Siegel, M.D. , Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., Peg Streep, Mean Mothers - Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.

So it's no wonder that I don't remember - these connections begin at birth.  This astounds me.  I literally do not know how to feel, or how to try and comprehend this.  All that I do know folks is that I've spent $1400.00 in two weeks.  Every addictive behavior that I have is screaming.  I do not want to accept this.  I've replicated these relationships over and over.  It's basically how my mind is hard wired.  I had a friend of mine breakdown the other night, sitting right here in the other chair in my office.  I had hurt her with  my disapproval/intolerance.  My internal "nail people to the wall",  because I can - had gotten the best of her.  It is a new friendship and I stay on her all the time.  I was somewhat aware of it, but I had no idea that I'd hurt her so.  Of course it makes me fell horrible.  It is as if I cannot control myself -- I have something akin to an inner Hitler - at times.  I think I have worked so hard to become my own person (too hard) that I push people so far away from me when they begin to get close..... To be transparently honest -- I don't think I  even know how deep this junk runs.  Sometimes, often times, it doesn't feel safe inside my own mind.... alone.  It just makes me wonder --- if anyone else has ever felt like this.

God Help me if I  make it out of this alive.  That's what my brain/heart thinks but I know that this is a lie.  I'll survive, and surpass it.  If I weren't up for this task, God would not have brought me here.  I don't know where this comes from inside me, but recent prayer - but it's in my mind.

Insecurity attached is anxious, ambivalent, and disorganized in nature -- but mine goes further than that -- since I had to reach for my mother and she as the abuser emotionally - I had to  go the the very thing that was the source of my terror to attempt (but not achieve) resolution.  I just thank God that she didn't physically abuse me, for this I'm grateful.  

My actual status is disorganized attachment - which is the worst of the three different categories.  It is difficult, especially with all that is going on in my emotions to try and explain what all is being communicated in Ms. Streep's book.  Please bear with me.  I'm trying my best right now to get this outside of me and make some sense of it.  I'll be real glad when I reach the part where we get into the recovery section instead of the depth of the destruction.

Yes, I am in therapy -- never to fear.  I'd never attempt to do something like this alone.  The other six days a week are what's hard.... because I have such an inner defiant  little girl.  I will do what I'm going to  do at all costs.  I'll shop until I have 3$ in my account.  Spend every penny.   The totally sad part is that part of me doesn't care, but a larger part does.... so the damn struggle begins.   Of course Ive discovered that you cannot just talk to anyone about this kind of work.  Some people wouldn't do  it if they were drowning.  I cannot keep from doing it...I'm so miserable.  I've always been a search and seek person - I guess those of us that felt like we were unloved, out of place, different, and strange just do that.  Chemicals have always been the only thing that has ever made me feel normal when I was younger -- and they (even though they don't work) still are old coping mechanisms.  Even the shopping gives me brain chemicals - it's an avoidance behavior.  So is sex, sleep -- eating.  The brain doesn't fail us - we get the goodies.

Ok now here is where I have to end this thing and find a solution to how I feel and this is going to be a difficult accusation this time people.  Well if I had to start with what first emerged from my mind, it's that I will make it through this - victorious.  I did not post that image for grins and giggles.  My track record with the Father is 100%.  I've so-far made it through every single nasty ordeal that life has presented me.  I have facts of this. I should not even be here people.  I've caught myself on fire.  This is just ONE debacle that I'be been through with my addictions. I lost quite a bit of hair, but otherwise I was okay - I woke up.  Talk about being humiliated. People laughed at me, literally.  I've fell asleep (nodded) absolutely everywhere... even in church.  When you do it, you don't realize what you're doing.  It's mortified me the very day when I watched Intervention, and I saw a woman strung out on Percocette - and she nodded too.  I cried like a baby -- full well knowing that this was me.   It was like God holding up a mirror to my face, and it changed my life.  I'll write more about what pain will do to you at another time, but it is relentless- some types and it will eat you alive.  Emotional and physical if you do not deal with it.  That has been the experience of my life.

So - I forge ahead.  So I'm the worst of the three attachments.  Oh well.  For some reason - it made me think that I had or must have a wonderful crown coming.  Don't ask me where that came from.  I feel more hopeful getting this outside of my head.  My mind and my body want to heal.  Healing is the most natural and perfect process of the body.  It is abnormal to not evolve.  It takes work.  We, man -- were designed to adapt, change, metamorphosis -- learn - and grow.  This is what I SEEK.  I've stated it before as I believe in conjunction with Marianne Williamson --- a miracle can purely be a change in perception.  I believe in miracles, I have witnessed them in my own life on more than one occasion.  I fully believe that I am being directed by the Holy Spirit, through this healing.  This is only but a season.

Thank You merciful Father for life.  Father help us live it more abundantly -- as the children that You would have us to be.  Help us be equally yoked with You, and let these earthly shackles fall from our hearts and minds.  Mend our hearts so that we may see and know ourselves as You see and know us.  Help us love each other with brotherly love and be joyful in our daily walk.  Thank You for our grace,  blessings, and favor.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.  

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

The Relentless Journey.....from head to heart.

This is the picture of my current quest.  These two books my mates.  My first reading of the day is: "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young.  I read this one first for it's inspiration and strength building in the Lord..... and it's wonderful messages, just as if Jesus himself were speaking to you.  I personally, find it quite uplifting and heartfelt.  I read the ascribed scriptures, in which I find much comfort.

The second book is: " Mean Mothers"- Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt.  I suppose the name pretty much says it all.  For those that are faint of heart - and that have a hard time imagining a mother as anything other than the virgin Mary --- take heed, because this is going to get hairy.  I've written previously about some of the issues that I had with my mom, but I'm now on a mission to HEAL.  I'm dedicated to break the power that this relationship had/has over me and my relationships ( and with  myself).  I would be honored if whomever would follow along with me in this process - but if you just cannot, I fully understand.  All that I ask is that if you know of a woman or a man that this rings true with --- Please, PLEASE inform them of my writing.  I am not only doing this for my own therapeutic benefit, I do this in high hopes that this might help someone else heal as well.  All of my writing is for hope's sake, of being beneficial to someone else.....  So please be kind enough to pass on my link.

Reading "Mean Mothers", is enormously difficult.  I have had to make myself read it.  Ms. Streep's experience is so similar to my own that it is frightening.  As per our culture -- we think/believe/affirm that motherhood is like a reflex.  We in America just annotate that a woman has a baby and everything that she needs to know just shows up "poof", after she has the baby - like magic.  This is such as misnomer.  Mothers are human too, they have feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, and struggle just like everyone, every human.  It takes skill, enormous patience, kindness, gentleness, selflessness, and extreme effort to be a good mother.  Some woman have what it takes, and some don't.  It's not a promised skill.....maternity.  It certainly isn't magical.  Trust me, I know.  I've been on the receiving end of one of the ones that didn't get a good dose of fairy dust.

As I really process this content - or even approach this book and all of it's emotionality - I feel a bit like I've a touch of PTSD.  I do not say this lightly.  I've shared that I do not remember much of my childhood - what I do remember is as if I were looking at a child that I do not know..... from outside of her.  I know that this is a very intimate thing to admit - but if I am going to do this, you're going to have to see inside of me. ( I just pray that God will protect me, and grant me the blessing with the knowledge that the sole purpose of this is to enlighten, and inform.)  This is what intimacy is -- "in to me see. "  This little girl is hollow, and she is afraid.

What I know as of now - having had a parent that stiffens when you approach them for love, all the while knowing intrinsically that they do not love you (I knew by the tine that I was 4) makes for horrific feelings of self-doubt.  One tries to figure out who's at fault, that is what children do --- and looking at your mother who from all intensive purposes, looks perfect - without a hair out of place, you conclude that the problem must be with you.  And so you swallow that inside yourself.  Thus is I believe the beginning of my memory loss.

How could I want to remember that she has no desire to comfort me?  How could I want to remember when she would scold me for being in pain?  I can remember bits and pieces of lying in the bed sobbing (I was ill as a child with reoccurring bladder/kidney infections) because I hurt.... and the shaking of the bed would wake her up --- and she'd scold me.  Not really for being in pain, but that I'd not woken her earlier - and she'd attempt to sooth me, but I was so afraid of her.  My mom did not respond well to fear.  Fear made my mother angry.  That was a combo.  Of course my little mind didn't comprehend that she was angry because I'd not woken her - all I felt was her anger.  Being such a sensitive child, I was already riddled with so much fear -- and he yelling at me, did not help - it broke my heart.  Her attempts to soothe me, fell on a wounded heart.  Then came the shame of it all....."if you would have just told Mommy"....  Yeah right.  Like I'm going to trust you.....

This just one experience -- out of many hospitalizations of which she never attended..... it was always my dad.

So as I'm understanding all of this, and beginning to dig into the feelings associated -- therein lies the years of self doubt, fear, and self loathing.  Does anyone fully understand now why I've been in therapy for 25+ years?  Make sense?  I have  chrome around my heart.  It started forming when I was a child.  I've tried to remove it, but I didn't have the right tools.  I believe --- now I do.  All things come in God's timing.  For everything there is a season.

This, this is why my life is empty and I have addictive behavior jumping like crazy.  Wounds.  We all have them, some more, some less, some people never attend to them and they run their whole lives.  I refuse to be prey to this junk my whole life.  I deserve SO much more!!!  Lord Jesus Christ I will heal.  I did not deserve the things that were during my childhood, nor the affect that it's had on my adulthood either.  These mother/daughter issues have prevented me from having fulfilling relationships for half my life and although it is not going to be an easy endeavor - I will heal.

Merciful Father,
Thank you Lord for this branch to healing.  Thank you Lord for my life, shelter, food, and sustenance.     As I have prayed for my head and my heart to converge, Lord mend my emotions - and guide my relationships.  I thank you for the precious people in my life, and I continue to ask you to bless, keep, guide, and direct each and everyone of them.  Lord let my life be a reflection of You- and use me for Your honor.  As always Lord, thank you immensely for your grace - Your precious gift of redemption, and love.  I pray for Your precious will in my life - today and alway.  In Jesus sweet name, Amen.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Precious Timing.

What a difference a few days can make.  While my life is still in flux - and I am still struggling with my coping skills, (and or addictive behaviors) I received some wonderful news.  A new beginning is in process for me, something that I've been working towards for a few months now.  I have been wanting to return to school to acquire a skill so that the job search dare not seem so daunting.  

Prior to loosing my job, I had been investigating the possibility of going back to school to become a nail technician.  It's not a glamours job - but it would be fun and a creative outlet.  My problem has been centered around funding.  The educational portion is only 400 hours so there is no option for a Pell grant or student loans --- but with my being disabled, I qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation.  What I had been struggling with was that I was being tested (at least it felt like it) to gather information, shadow other nail techs, and ask prospective employers about possible employ after college and the like.  It seemed like every time that I finished one task, she (my counselor) would put another upon me.  I grew frustrated, definitely.  The last time that I spoke with her, I was somewhat terse, and ended up telling her that I felt like she was making me jump through flying "hoops" --- and it was not a pretty conversation....... 

Needless to say, I felt pressure, especially after loosing my job.  Being so depressed and unable to really look for work -- and knowing that even thought I am a counselor and I have all the experience that I do -- it's useless.  I am not certified, and it would take me two (or more) years (with four years already) of more school under my belt, to gain the credentials that would be needed to even begin to counsel again.  Albeit, this is my first love --- this is a heck of a commitment.   With my physical issues, and the like, I just don't see that happening.  However, 400 hours is something that I feel like I can handle... and a trade that I would really enjoy.  

Long story short... I finally met with my counselor and I got the "GO AHEAD" to pick a college.  This was not long after going to church on Sunday and leaving because I (being the person that I am, and believing in the Finished Work of Christ) could not sit under preaching of condemnation and works....  I was very disappointed - to say the least because I needed church that day (and in my life period.)  However, I had been avidly praying, and really concentrating on my relationship with God -- and I knew that  I was in serious need of nothing short of a miracle.  God still does this, I'm living proof.... I've said it before -- and I'll say it again.  

God never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is impeccable.  Even as I prepare to work through some of the toughest and most painful issues of my life -- my ever so difficult relationship with my mother, and I still am battling with some addictive behaviors, I walked toward God, and He ran towards me.  I knew that He would, but this is the beauty of the Lord - He answers prayer in such creative and unimaginable ways.  If I allow myself to feel badly, I can beat myself up for not trusting Him, but I'm not going there, I'm not going to blame myself for something that right now, I cannot control.  I know as I work through the issues that I have, my trust will increase.  My childhood was not my fault.  Jesus knows this.  He counts my tears.  He always has.  Always will.  

We have difficulties in this lifetime, some more, some less.  I don't regret what I've been through - it has given me a tremendous heart, with a huge capacity for compassion and love for my fellow man.  This is why I write.  Maybe someone somewhere can relate to my struggles.  On the same page, I pray that they find inspiration in my spirit and hope.  God will make a way when there is NO way.  I've lived it, over and over, and I'm alive to tell.  

I've used this video before but I love it --- please listen to it, so powerful -- and so much meaning for me.  God has been there "Through All of It".....

Praise God!!!!     

Monday, February 1, 2016

The Edge.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  For me, her words so profound - it's like reading in velvet.  She has been such a part of my self-discovery and inner journey that I hold her in such high esteem.  I just recently purchased a book of her prayers - and I'm not sure why I did, I cannot seem to find the mindfulness to read it.  I am in an odd, odd place as of late.  One that I don't quite know that I've been before.

I am so tired of battling fear and the emptiness in my life - that this feels like a jumping off place.  I called my best friend this morning in tears - and all it seems that I can see is loss.  My distrust has my life barren.  It isn't as if I don't know why.  My Mom passed a few weeks ago - and I have been unable to grieve.  I've lost my job and have been so stuck that I cannot even look for work. My coping behaviors have me imprisoned.  I lost my job because I wasn't paying attention, and was somewhere I shouldn't have been anyway - with someone I shouldn't have been - doing things I shouldn't have been doing!  I missed a shift.  I was "out of pocket."  Attempting to fill the void.  The void that has allowed me to gain 30 pounds.  Mostly because I haven't been caring for myself.  Oh, I profess - but I don't do anything.  I "know", but I don't really do anything about it.

The definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  I don't know that I expect different results, but I hope that things will get better. basically without my having to change anything --- which is insane.  Don't we do that though???

I know that it's fear that has me paralyzed.  Just dead stuck.

I lean to much on my own understanding.  My own mind.  It betrays me.  I betray myself.  I let my inner defenses have their way.  I suppose it better than feeling what is under it.

Ever since my mentor left, I have been so lost.  It isn't if I don't know the way -- isn't as if he did not teach me.  With all that I have to deal with - I cave too easily.  It's almost as if I'm not in the drivers seat - and I'm on auto pilot.  I just am along for the ride.  I know that I can change, I have done it before.  I need a miracle.  Once again.  And I know from where it needs to come.  Jesus has never failed me.  He won't fail me now.

I'm grateful for my path, but it is mine alone.  I know this.  For those of you few, thank you for taking it with me. This pain, this emptiness, my addictions, and the lot --- is hard to manage -- but I'll rise again.  I've always heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I'm banking on just that.

From bar to church --- Lord please help me.  I need an intervention of some kind, into my life.  On so many levels.  I've got to stop professing and get down to the nitty gritty.  I've let my character defects run amuck and I'm sick of myself.  Life is what we get when we're not paying attention, and when we don't consciously choose.  I've not been choosing, but just letting it ride.  That isn't going to get it.  Momma's gone, and I've got to deal with the damages.  The tally's quite high.  An the bodies keep piling up.  So high that it is overshadowing my life.  It's like the Sahara desert up in here.  It's my own damn fault.

My friend, my precious friend says, "Trust God and do good."  That's my mantra.  One damn foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  This too shall pass.  One thing I know if I know nothing else.... the only thing that stays the same, IS change.  I suppose when I get really ready -- which for me today is church.  It's a giant hole in my life.  Today that stops.  I hope it's a good fit.  Please God.  I need it so badly.  That's the amazing thing about God, if you step out for Him, He will always reach out to you - He'll come running to you.  I'm counting on just that.  I don't know why it is taking me all of my life to accept and comprehend that God is a constant --- I suppose because I did not bond with my Mother.  This chrome that is surrounding my heart.  Barbed wire more like it.  Not that I don't feel anything -- because I do -- feel so much.  But God isn't about feeling - it's about knowing and believing.  I have so much doubt in myself, and life.  At least right now.  God knows me, and He knows my heart.  I've never had that kind of permanence - I don't know how to trust something that I've never had.  I'm trying to comprehend however.  I was almost there once.  It was so beautiful.... I'm so glad that I wrote...

Thank you Jesus for keeping me safe in my own selfishness.  Your grace is immeasurable.  It truly blows my mind.  Settle my heart, and my mind.  Lead me home.