Friday, February 5, 2016

Precious Timing.

What a difference a few days can make.  While my life is still in flux - and I am still struggling with my coping skills, (and or addictive behaviors) I received some wonderful news.  A new beginning is in process for me, something that I've been working towards for a few months now.  I have been wanting to return to school to acquire a skill so that the job search dare not seem so daunting.  

Prior to loosing my job, I had been investigating the possibility of going back to school to become a nail technician.  It's not a glamours job - but it would be fun and a creative outlet.  My problem has been centered around funding.  The educational portion is only 400 hours so there is no option for a Pell grant or student loans --- but with my being disabled, I qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation.  What I had been struggling with was that I was being tested (at least it felt like it) to gather information, shadow other nail techs, and ask prospective employers about possible employ after college and the like.  It seemed like every time that I finished one task, she (my counselor) would put another upon me.  I grew frustrated, definitely.  The last time that I spoke with her, I was somewhat terse, and ended up telling her that I felt like she was making me jump through flying "hoops" --- and it was not a pretty conversation....... 

Needless to say, I felt pressure, especially after loosing my job.  Being so depressed and unable to really look for work -- and knowing that even thought I am a counselor and I have all the experience that I do -- it's useless.  I am not certified, and it would take me two (or more) years (with four years already) of more school under my belt, to gain the credentials that would be needed to even begin to counsel again.  Albeit, this is my first love --- this is a heck of a commitment.   With my physical issues, and the like, I just don't see that happening.  However, 400 hours is something that I feel like I can handle... and a trade that I would really enjoy.  

Long story short... I finally met with my counselor and I got the "GO AHEAD" to pick a college.  This was not long after going to church on Sunday and leaving because I (being the person that I am, and believing in the Finished Work of Christ) could not sit under preaching of condemnation and works....  I was very disappointed - to say the least because I needed church that day (and in my life period.)  However, I had been avidly praying, and really concentrating on my relationship with God -- and I knew that  I was in serious need of nothing short of a miracle.  God still does this, I'm living proof.... I've said it before -- and I'll say it again.  

God never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is impeccable.  Even as I prepare to work through some of the toughest and most painful issues of my life -- my ever so difficult relationship with my mother, and I still am battling with some addictive behaviors, I walked toward God, and He ran towards me.  I knew that He would, but this is the beauty of the Lord - He answers prayer in such creative and unimaginable ways.  If I allow myself to feel badly, I can beat myself up for not trusting Him, but I'm not going there, I'm not going to blame myself for something that right now, I cannot control.  I know as I work through the issues that I have, my trust will increase.  My childhood was not my fault.  Jesus knows this.  He counts my tears.  He always has.  Always will.  

We have difficulties in this lifetime, some more, some less.  I don't regret what I've been through - it has given me a tremendous heart, with a huge capacity for compassion and love for my fellow man.  This is why I write.  Maybe someone somewhere can relate to my struggles.  On the same page, I pray that they find inspiration in my spirit and hope.  God will make a way when there is NO way.  I've lived it, over and over, and I'm alive to tell.  

I've used this video before but I love it --- please listen to it, so powerful -- and so much meaning for me.  God has been there "Through All of It".....

Praise God!!!!     

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