Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Present Pain.

I'm at a place that I don't know that I've been.  In attempting to deal with the issues of my childhood (my mother), my recent break-up, abandonment, silencing, my friends (so called) ignoring me, and the disrespect at my job.... I'm just about to snap.  I've been through many, many an ordeal in my life -- but how and why things are piling up quite the way that they are now is just almost more than I can effectively manage emotionally.  The amount of sheer will that it is taking to just get up and function is about to do me in.  It's taking a tole on me physically - I'm passing kidney stones, I have a sinus infection, and the fatigue with my fibromyalgia is horrific.  My depression is real fun too.  I must be right on the edge of major change, for all of this has brought a plethora of emotional pain.  There's anger too, which is even harder to control.  This is what frightens me, for I know I have rage.  Untapped rage.  I believe a lot of us do --- if we're honest.

The loss of this relationship has affected me deeply.  I have been unable to separate it from my thought for many weeks.  It's been consuming.  Even when I don't want to think about it, I do.  My mind steadily attempts to try and figure out what I don't understand... over and over.  It's getting better, but not with out increasing some of my medications.  The only way that I know how to explain this is that one some level, my soul knew this man's soul.  We just sinked.  Plus, for whatever reason, my intuition tells me that this isn't over yet.  Perhaps that is because it never ended... He did not end the relationship he just left.  He ran.  I asked for what I needed from him and he ran.  How validating is that?!  I was in shock for a few days, until the reality set in, only to find that he'd blocked me from his phone.  And he wasn't calling like he said he would -- typical male behavior, except I was deeply in love with this man.  Deeply.  I did not even realize how much until he left me.  There were days that I cried so hard I could not breathe.  The pain was horrific.  Although this wasn't a long term relationship I sensed something about this man the very first time that I saw him - before I actually met him.  My spirit knew his spirit.  Perhaps this is why he left, I will never know.  I do not know if he had another woman waiting, or if it was fear that made him run.  I do believe that he is in a relationship now though, however -- which to me is actually quite sad, but typical of men who don't deal with their issues.  He said that he couldn't give me what I needed, but (ahem) how about an attempt prior to running like mad?  I suppose some men just can't handle women that know what they need?

I thank God for my job, but it's been challenging as well.  I work for people from a different country.  For the most part it's ok.  My boss is very respectful and kind.  I don't know much about their culture and I suppose I might want to look into that so as not to offend anyone, but as of late, it seems that one of them certainly hasn't cared if she offended me.  She piles work on me, and wants all of it done in an impossible time frame.  Her husband is the "working" manager and my regular boss is on vacation... I'm sensing that she is upset with me about something.  She speaks very little english, so it is impossible to communicate with her.  She has been very rude to me on several occasions.  I almost walked out yesterday -- but I know that I need my job, so I bit my tongue.  However, I will not tolerate it much longer.  My boss will be back today.  Thank goodness.  It's interesting working with people of a different culture, most of them are really kind - but language is a huge barrier.  I just know that disrespect is universal... or at least it should be.

My friends, well they seem to think that it's perfectly fine to just ignore me when I try to communicate with them.  Several of them don't bother to answer their cell phones, don't reply to texts, for days!  I'm sorry, that's just plain rude.  If it had just been one person it might not be so bad, but 4-5 is just too much.  People are just damn rude nowadays.  People are so self-centered.  It's becoming a nasty world.  Even the people that you think care --- don't really.  I can count like two people in all of this earth that really give a crap.  That is sad.  Most folks care about as much as what they can get from you.

So - I've been in a awful depression.  I've been on autopilot most of the time because to be "live" is just too damn painful.  When I do get in touch with my pain, well it isn't pretty.  It's as if I'm getting a lot of evidence that I really don't matter.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe this is where I'm lost.  I've been lost ever since I lost Midland.  My church.  And again I'm at the presuppose that I'm not supposed to be "of this world".  This world only brings heartache.  Man am I there.  The worst?  I know better.  People will treat you however they like.  There's not really too much you can do about how they act.  But, I can overcome, and overcome is what I will do.  So what if people are being jerks, I don't have to be one.  This is what I love about writing - getting things outside of yourself helps you process... THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Jesus overcame the world, He was betrayed - beyond anything we could ever imagine.  We will never actually know that kind of suffering.  I know what I need to do, I've been under so much stress and emotional baggage that I've not been willing to make the effort to go to church.  The Sunday that I did, I felt better.  It wasn't Midland, but I was still there to worship.  It is hard when everything requires EFFORT.  I am beginning to see however, that the depth of this pain is going to bring me to an awesome place.  Immense pain always does.  I welcome it.  I embrace it.  I'm so ready for change. Yet, I know that change requires my participation.  I cannot sit and wallow in this murk, and hope it will get better.  I have to be a participating force in my own life.  Pain pulls me away from God and I know it... I call out to Him - but the pain pulls me back to it.  Pain is a definite faith tester.  Knowing it doesn't change how it feels either.  I'm doing what I usually do --- battling with my own intellect.  My greatest demon.  It cancels out everything Godly.  What a struggle, and humbly I admit --- how prideful.  It makes me feel just awful.  I've had to rely upon myself so much that I've just learned to set God to the side when the going gets really rough.  It's all about trust.  Man, that's hard to admit.  I know I'm not alone.  It helps me to know that my Savior understands and His mercy covers me.  He just knows.  He just understands.  For this, and so much more, I'm immensely grateful - even in this pain, for my life.  There's always beauty here.  If we can rise above our struggles and learn from them.  This isn't going to break me, even though it may feel like it - feelings are just feelings ... I'm securely in the palm of my Father's hand.

"The only real failure is the failure to grow from what we go through."  Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change.

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